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Woody Allen quotes

English (21)

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“Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“It is impossible to experience one’s own death objectively and still carry a tune.” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“Morale still seems reasonably high and, while the desertion rate has risen, it is still limited to those who can walk.” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“Students achieving oneness will move ahead to twoness.” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“God is silent . . . now if we can only get Man to shut up.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind—a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“UFOs are back in the news, and it is high time we took a serious look at this phenomenon. (Actually, the time is ten past eight, so not only are we a few minutes late but I'm hungry).” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“No thanks, I already own a penguin.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, Cloquet thought, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything?” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“The Government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under five-seven, it is impossible to get your Congressman on the phone.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“Put in its simplest form, the problem is: How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world given my waist and shirt size?” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“True, it has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of eighty is left in a room with two eighteen-year-old cocktail waitresses nothing happens.” Woody Allen, Side Effects
“Can we actually “know” the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.” Woody Allen, Getting Even
“Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.” Woody Allen, Side Effects

Related topics

God knowledge death universe cost letters man mankind morale wisdom time light world reality experience government good age speed silence

Related sources

Side Effects (11)
Getting Even (10)