Everett Elliott

“ O’Rourke sneezes and fumbles in his pocket for a handkerchief. Gussie takes it from him and wipes his nose for him. Footman and Coachman retire to C.
O’Rourke. Begorra, Oi’ve a notion to swipe yez for that, so Oi have.
Gus. Pardon me, your majesty, but it is one of the privileges of my exalted office to perform all little services of that kind for our king. As I told you, a monarch is never permitted to do anything for himself. ”

“ I’ve a question momentous I wish to propound To matrons and maidens alike: If you lived in a land where men are not found, Don’t you think you would go on a strike? What’s the use of fine features, of bright eyes and curls, When no one is by to admire? ”

“ The man would die of cold and hunger. You seem to forget, Gussie, that we are surrounded with ice and snow, piled mountain-high. How many brave explorers from the land of mortals have lost their lives in the attempt to penetrate the mysteries of the North Pole. ”

“ Thank the Fates that you have never been permitted to meet a less worthy specimen of the race than your papa.
Gus. (Gussie giggles) Speaking of men, how about me?
(swaggers with thumbs in arm holes of vest
Omnes. Oh! you don’t count; you’re a dude.
(Gussie retires discomfited
Kitty. Papa, are men as scarce in the land of mortals as they are here?
Santa. No, my child, no indeed; there are not enough to go around to be sure; and under the present system, old maids seem to be a compulsory blessing; still they are numerous, quite so.
Kitty. (rapturously) Oh! papa, let’s move! ”

“ Chorus. We fulfill a mission too, As every one should do; Who have a mission worthy of the name, From our home in Northern clime, Come we forth at Christmas time A quiet share in Christmas joys to claim. ”

“ Dupraillon’s absence from the city Dupraillon accidently meets a lady—a supper at Clerbois’—an accident as he leaves the house causes him to stumble against some gentlemen whose hats are knocked off; during the scuffle the cry of “police” is heard, and he picks up, as he supposes, his own hat, but on arriving at home he discovers he has a hat with M. Durand’s card, while his hat has his own card in—His wife returns and he is afraid she will discover his adventure and supper at Clerbois’ with the lady. ”

“ Footman and Coachman exit C., and return with a large crown and a feather duster.
Gus. Your majesty, in investing you with these symbols of royalty I feel that I am conferring an unique distinction upon this people by giving them for a ruler a man the like of whom has never before escaped captivity.
Omnes. Hear! Hear!
Footman places crown on O’Rourke’s head, he having been led to the throne and seated thereon by Gussie, who takes feather duster from Coachman and brushes it across O’Rourke’s face. ”

“ And if you must marry, why not marry Gussie? He is certainly a far handsomer and more suitable husband than this Irishman.
Gus. Oh! I say now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah. I am agreeable and leave the matter entirely with Miss Kitty, doncherno.
Kitty. Bah! A dude lacks five points of being equal to no husband. I’ll marry a man or never wed. (sadly) Shall I go or stay? I can divide my love, but not myself, and—
TABLEAU.—Scene opens at back, showing O’Rourke dressed as in first act, with grip and cane in hand. Erin tries to lead him away. ”

“ Kitty. What are you doing there?
O’Rourke. (still dancing and not looking around) Kaping warrum to be coorse. Did yez think Oi was saying moi prayers?
Kitty. Are you a man?
O’Rourke. Av coorse Oi’m a man. Phwat did yez take me for, a statty of Venus?
(strokes his chin whiskers
Kitty. Then you must be the man my papa was to bring me.
O’Rourke. Yis, Oi’m yer man. (stops dancing and looks at her) Why, begorra it’s a girrul! How do you do, Miss Cleveland?
Kitty. My name is not Cleveland, sir: My name is Kitty Claus; I am the daughter of Santa Claus. ”

“ Let me advise you to keep a good thing while you have it.
Kitty. Yes, papa is a good man; at least, I suppose he is a good man. Good is a relative term, and men are so scarce in this kingdom of the North Pole, that I cannot judge by comparison. ”

“ It is the only book of its kind that gives a complete list of the most practical business forms.
9. It is the only book of its kind that gives the laws of etiquette in social and business life; these rules alone are worth the price of Speller.
10. This Speller is bound in two qualities of leather and its price brings it within the reach of all, being 50 cents, bound with American Russia leather, Gilt edge and indexed. Bound with imitation Seal, red edge and not indexed, 25 cents. On receipt of Post Office Order, (for quality desired) the Speller will be prepaid to any address. ”

“ He stretches one hand imploringly toward Kitty, who moves slowly toward him and extends both her hands, one of which O’Rourke takes. Mrs. Claus rushes forward and seizes the other and tries to lead her back. Santa Claus makes a gesture commanding O’Rourke to begone.
CURTAIN.
THE END.
THEATRICAL
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“ Kitty and Santa. But if he would go, he could not do so,
Becoming an iceberg is not quite his style.
(O’Rourke falls asleep during the song
Santa. Well I declare, the fellow has actually fallen asleep!
(exit, Fairies, R. U. E.
O’Rourke. (starting suddenly) No Oi’m not asleep naythur. Who said Oi was asleep, eh? (yawns; starts to raise his hand to his mouth; Gussie places his own hand over O’Rourke’s mouth) By the powers now, Oi’ve a notion to knock a quart of stars out av yez eyes for that. ”

“ Do you wish to know The effects of the drama on the mind? Do you wish to know How to assign parts successfully? Do you wish to know The duties of the property man? Do you wish to know How to arrange music for plays? ”

“ Thin, biz—whiz—siz—again, and here Oi am in a lodging house where they don’t have no foire and don’t feel the could. Oh moi, oh moi, Oi’ll have to keep circulatin’ around or Oi’ll be an oiceberg, so I will. ”

“ ACT. II.—Return of Santa Claus, with an Irish Paddy. Santa Claus and Gussie witness unseen, the meeting of Kitty and “her man.” “Do yez chew gum, and play on the type-writer.” Song by Kitty, “The Pleasure of Catching a Man.” The proposal. “The could weather will make yez a widdy before yez married, so it will.” Santa Claus’ despair at Kitty’s acceptance of O’Rourke. Gussie has an idea. O’Rourke declared King of the North Pole. Coronation song. March by Fairies and Holidays. “The last ton of coal which broke the camels back.” O’Rourke ascends the throne. ”

“ Santa Claus.—Complete suit of furs; peaked cap, great-coat, top-boots. Gussie DeSmythe.—First dress, smoking jacket, light pantaloons, slippers. Second dress, dark morning suit. Dennis O’Rourke.—First dress, battered plug hat, red wig, linen duster, gaiters, worn-out shoes. Second dress, full-dress suit, ancient cut, striped shirt, exaggerated jewelry. Footman and Coachman.—Eccentric and exaggerated livery. Mrs. Santa Claus.—Modern dress. Kitty Claus.—Modern dress. Queen of Snow-fairies.—White dress, spangles, crown and wand. Snow-fairies.—Same as Queen, except that they wear no crowns. ”

“ Kitty resolves to reform O’Rourke. Tableau. Erin appears. Her appeal in behalf of the Irish girls, beats the world and Kitty isn’t in it. Kitty undecided whether to go with O’Rourke or remain. Tableau. ”

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[Pg 1]
Santa Claus’ Daughter. ”