Mark Ambient

“ O'Hara's got an Irish party on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so awfully quiet she can't stand the slightest noise, (reads) "It is my constant joy to know that you are devoting your days—and I daresay many of your nights—to the noble work of alleviating human suffering." ”

“ Plant. (aside to Ruby) And you too! (aside) I can get on better without you. (to Doctor. stroking their hair) Ah, Doctor. the man who would dare to rob me of my precious jewels, Ruby and Pearl. will have much to answer for.
Doctor. Don't distress yourself, no man would be so heartless, (looking through microscope)
Plant. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These girls are no match for him. I must get him alone. (aloud) Well, Doctor. we mustn't waste your precious time; I see you're busy. ”

“ I know—on my operating couch.
Flora. (shrieks) Ach! Operating!
(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C., followed by Doctor.)
Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! (takes up rug) I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical. She'll never suspect it's my blushing bride.
Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing bride? She's sure to find me here.
Doctor. No, no, she won't!
Flora. She will! I'm so conspicuous! (sits on sofa)
Doctor. The more conspicuous the better, when you want to hide anything. ”

“ I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, my dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with a book or something? (goes to couch at back, fetches "Quayle on Muscles," comes back quickly to Aunt, opens it) Here you are. (shuts it quickly and shies it down, aside) What do ladies read?
(Crosses quickly to Pearl. who is reading "Pink 'Un," snatches it from her.)
Thank you very much, (crosses quickly to Aunt) Here you are, aunt, this is a lady's paper! (gives it to her and runs to Flo at back—aside anxiously) I'll explain everything when they've gone! (loudly, holding her hand) Ah! ”

“ Aurora. Yes! She's chosen me to marry the dear doctor!
(Ruby and Pearl laugh.)
Let them laugh as wins. You tried your best, but I don't bear no h'ill-will. I said I'd struggle with yer, and I've done it. If you're good girls, I may ask you to be bridesmaids—it's better than nothing, (crosses L. C.)
Plant. (to Doctor under table) I say, Jack, is this true? You have my deepest sympathy—and if it should come to a breach of promise—look me up!
Doctor. (coming out) If ever I do look you and your precious jewels up, I'll bring a stick twice as big as yours. ”

“ Plant. I accept your explanation—without prejudice. (stands R. of couch) I say when a man gets to my time of life—the future happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, they neyer look outside the family. Living as we do, in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too —er—"tony" in such important matters. Now you are both—as I know, being your father—heart-free.
(Pearl digs Ruby hard in the ribs.) ”

“ The sunshine of my widowed home, Jack, a humble place, but when you come to visit us at Southsea, you will echo the words of the immortal bard, and join with us in singing, (sings) "Ours is a happy little home!"
(Exit Plant. Ruby and Pearl. all quarrelling loudly.)
Doctor. (alone) What a strange man! I wonder why he's pleaded my cause with Aunt Susannah? (looks at aunt's picture, sitting end of sofa) Poor Aunt Susie, when she was quite a girl she fell in love with a man who turned out all wrong; that's why she's lived such a lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! ”

“ Ruby. Your Jack? How dare you! (crosses to Flo and comes back) He's my Jack!
(Aurora gasps again.)
Aunt. (aside) Oh, he's her Jack now! It gets worse and worse!
Pearl. To be strictly accurate, Doctor Sheppard is our Jack!
Aunt. (aside) Our Jack! This is too much!
(Aurora gasps louder.)
Flora. What do you mean?
Pearl. It is my father's wish that one of us should marry him.
Aurora. (screams) Oh, 'Evvings! They're going to marry my Jack! (coming down—falls on her knees facing audience C.)
Aunt. (aside) Her Jack! That's four of them! They all love Jack! ”

“ There's a lady coming to-morrow who mustn't see you here for anything.
Flora. (by sofa C.) A lady! The first day of our honeymoon! Who is she? (pauses) A patient?
Doctor. (smiling and shaking his head) Better than a hundred patients.
Flora. What's she coming for? Tell me—tell me at once.
Doctor. (putting his arm round her assuredly) My dear little wifie, she's only my maiden aunt.
Flora. Oh, Jack, are you sure she's a maiden aunt?
Doctor. Quite! Here's her letter, (crosses to sofa, takes it from his pocket and gives it to her) Now are you satisfied, jealous little woman? ”

“ I must get a word with Ruby.
Ruby. (to Tupper) Ah, you hear what his grateful patients think of him.
Tupper. (comes down) Grateful patients? (shakes head sadly) No, miss, not yet.
Plant. You carry the medicine round, don't you?
Tupper. No, sir, not yet.
Pearl. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you?
Tupper. No, miss, not yet—only 'arf of me, the other 'arf belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf where the stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the missus—an' 'e shares the gal too.
Plant. (rises, coughs) Ahem! That will do! Is the room always so full of smoke?
Aurora. ”

“ Flora. Forgive me, Jack. I can't help being jealous of everybody and everything—I love you so much!
Doctor. (round on to sofa) I know you do—and see what luck you've brought me. (pointing to letter which she is reading) I told you we shouldn't go wrong if we followed Quayle's advice. Auntie's coming to-morrow, and she's going to do all that money can——
Flora. (reading letter) To-day, Jack—she's coming to-day. This letter was written yesterday.
Doctor. (suddenly) What a fool I am! Where's the Bradshaw? (crosses to table, turns over leaves of Bradshaw, hurriedly) Ambleside! A! Where's A! ”

“ Doctor. (laughing) Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those paste things to wear for her party?
Aurora. (disappointed) No, sir, they ain't for Mrs. O'Ara, and they ain't pastry things, (aside) 'E don't know diamonds when 'e sees 'em!
Doctor. They're like those in my aunt's picture.
Aurora. (joyfully) Is that your h'aunt, sir?
Doctor. Yes.
Aurora. Ho! I h'am glad! (aside) There's 'ope, there's 'ope!
Doctor. But those combs have gone out since that picture was painted; you're a long way behind the times—a long way. (bursts out laughing and rushes out) Ha! ha! ha! ”

“ I'm not the sort of fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever fell in love with me except Flo—dear jealous little Flo! Ah, well, I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, and only one.
(Exit R. I. E..)
(Enter Aurora. followed by Aunt.)
Aurora. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy.
Aunt. (aside) I'm calmer now! (her lips are set, and she looks anything but calm) And I'll make him explain his outrageous conduct, (crosses right round writing table)
Aurora. Will you take a chair, mum—and I'll tell the doctor——
Aunt. ”

“ Andrew. (to Waverly, neither having seen Aurora on sofa) Has he got 'em? Come on, we must tell him the good news.
(Exeunt Andrew and Waverly after Doctor R. I. E.)
Aurora. (alone, fondly) My love! Ain't he coy? I like a bashful lover. It's so gentlemanly, (sits at writing-table)
(Enter Tupper excitedly.)
Tupper. Please, sir— (sees Aurora. laughs) Well, you do look a guy! 'Oiler, boys, 'oiler, 'ere's another guy!
Aurora. You don't know who you're talking to. I shall be your missus soon—I'm going to marry the dear doctor! ”

“ Fancy setting up for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How can he earn bread and butter in Marmalade Street. No. 13, too!
Aurora. (to Tupper) 'Old yer row! They're lady patients. 'Appy girls! I wonder what they've got?
Tupper. Nuffiin'. They're a bit off all right! (laughs)
Aurora. (sadly) Are they, Tupper? Then why do they come 'ere?
Plant. (aside) What has he done to deserve a rich aunt who has instructed me to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on him? It's disgusting! (sits, head on hand)
Tupper. (sees Plant. head on hand—aside to Aurora) Oh, p'raps it's 'im! ”

“ And where are the patients Quayle said would flow In? Simply flow In! (waves teapot, tea, goes all over the stage) Hello! its flowing out.
(Enter Plant.)
(loudly) I say, where are my patients? (loudly, coming down stage, not seeing Plant)
Plant. (more loudly) And I say where are my daughters?
Doctor. (seeing him) My first! Quayle's right, after all. (comes to Plant teapot in hand, assumes professional air) Good afternoon, won't you sit down? (seats himself and writing table, puts teapot on blotter. He is always absent-minded when absorbed in his science)
Now! ”

“ I must pull myself together. I've got my work to do—my work, (picks up aunt's letter) "The noble work of alleviating human suffering!" Ah, that's what she said—before she had a bath— (looks at bathroom, sighs. To Aurora) Aurora. your case is deeply interesting.
Aurora. Oh, thank you, sir.
Doctor. It's complicated.
Aurora. It's 'oo, sir? (crosses C.)
Doctor. It's complicated!
Aurora. Oh, it is that, sir.
Doctor. Now tell me. (Bus. with scribbling block) Do you suffer from your heart?
Aurora. Oh, don't sir. (simpers) My 'eart, oh, don't I just! You 'ark at it, sir! ”

“ Plant., (aside) "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's own daughter—but I mustn't betray a professional confidence.
Tupper. (aside) Fine gels! (to Ruby) 'E'll be wonderful glad to see you, Miss.
Ruby. How do you know?
Tupper. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an' you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. (aside) Bar the tailor.
Ruby. The first? (to Pearl) He is starving!
Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. (crosses to Plant) He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit an' all. ”

“ Flora. (watching her) The forward minx! (shuts Bradshaw with a bang) I won't go back to Lowestoft. A wife's place is by her husband's side, (takes her hat off and sits twisting Bradshaw, viciously)
Doctor. Give the boy this.
Aurora. Yes, sir. (takes note, crosses to Flo) Can I show you your place—
(Flo indignant.)
—in the Bradshaw, miss? P'raps you ain't beyond the A. B. C.
Flora. (haughtily, snatching it back) No, thank you—I can manage myself.
Aurora. (aside) Can yer? I'll struggle with yer—I've learnt 'er symptoms, (as she goes out) Impudent 'ussy!—kissing the dear doctor. ”

“ Aurora. (aside) Oh, when I 'ave servants of my own, won't I give 'em O'Hara!
(Exeunt Aurora and Mrs. O'Hara L. U. E.)
(Enter Doctor. Andrew and Waverly R. I. E.)
Plant. Yes, there is time, just time. My dear Jack, there's not a moment to lose, (takes him to fireplace) The Old girl has cut you off without a penny.
(Doctor falls into his arms.)
Don't give way! (holds him up) There's still hope. My daughters love you—
(Doctor falls in a heap on the stage.)
—and will marry you without a penny.
Doctor. (sitting on stage) Both of 'em!
Plant. No, sir, either of 'em. ”

“ I got the hair-dresser to touch out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called me a fright, and began asking some damned awkward questions about my late wife's trust money. ”

“ No! No time to change, (snatches his frock coat off chair, and buttons it over his pyjamas) Remember! This is the supreme moment of my life. Whatever I say to you—whatever I do to you—you mustn't mind.
Ruby and Pearl. We won't, (stifling a laugh)
Doctor. Hush!
(Enter Andrew dressed as Aunt, followed by Waverly.)
(to Andrew) My dear aunt, I'm so glad to see you. Won't you sit down? (leads him down to sofa)
(Pearl runs to Waverly, and drags him down O. P. corner.)
Pearl. Come and sit here! Pretend to be a patient! Waver. Why? ”

“ Take your seats, please! (motions girls to sit)
(Ruby sits r. of Pearl.)
Make yourselves quite at home—and don't be frightened.
(Girls turn round and stare at her.)
'E'll treat yer kindly—'e's got sich a sorft 'and! (soothingly to Ruby) Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, to buck yer up? Ruby. No, thank you.
Aurora. (to Ruby) Oh, the doctor allus gives 'is ladies tea.
(Tupper, sitting on couch, bursts out laughing and shoves his handkerchief in his mouth.)
Pearl. No, thank you.
Plant. (looking round) Is the doctor out?
Aurora. (bustling about dusting) Yes, sir. ”

“ The Lady and the Water Cure? That's me. (jumping up) I forbid Doctor Sheppard to tell that story!
Mrs. O'H. (seeing her for the first time) And who are you when you're at home? I took you for the doctor. 'Ow dare you come to my 'ouse, dressed in that indecent way? (crosses C.) We're respectable in Marmalade Street—I'm ashamed of my lodger for lettin' you in—'e just shall tell that story now, or pay 'is rint.
Aunt. There is my lawyer—he'll pay your rent.
Plant. Certainly. Come with me, old fireworks!
Mrs. O'H. Thank you, sir—you're a gentleman!
(Exeunt Plant and Mrs. O'Hara.) ”

“ O'Hara.)
Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you wait on lodgers as can't pay their rint? (by sofa) Go h'upstairs and wait on my lady friends.
(Exit Aurora.)
(leans on back of sofa, to Doctor) Pardon me for callin' when you're so busy, (with sarcasm)
Doctor. (absent-minded) Don't mention it. Won't you sit down? Now, what can I—oh, it's the landlady!
Mrs. O'H. Quite a stream of patients!
Doctor. (absently) Oh, yes! Flowing in—simply flowing in!
Mrs. O'H. I'm glad to 'ear it. If a man can't h'earn a honest livin' at your time of life, 'e may as lief— (hiccough) —drown 'isself.
Doctor. ”