Friedrich August Schulze

“ The truth is, our town-chest is miserably poor: and we would not wish to go to the expense of a new covering for the council-table upon a false alarm. Upon my honour, it was solely upon patriotic grounds that I sided with the sceptics.” The Commissioner scarcely gave himself the trouble of accepting his apologies. And indeed at this moment the burgomaster had reason himself to feel ashamed of his absurd scruples: for in rushed a breathless messenger to announce that the blue landau and the gentleman with the “superb whiskers” had just passed through the north gate. ”

“ Matters are at length come to a crisis. You have the audacity to pretend to keep a secret from your lawful wife. Hear then my fixed determination. At this moment there is a haunch of venison roasting for dinner. The cook is so ignorant that, without my directions, this haunch will be scorched to a cinder. Now I swear that, unless you instantly reveal to me this secret without any reservation whatever, I will resign the venison to its fate. ”

“ However, on recollecting himself, “no doubt,” said he, “in times of rebellion ink is not safe: no doubt some important intelligence is concealed in this sheet of white paper, which some mysterious chemical preparation must reveal.” So saying, he sealed up the despatch, sent it off by an estafette, and charged it in a supplementary note of expenses to the council.
Meantime the newspapers arrived from the capital, but they said not a word of the rebellion; in fact they were more than usually dull, not containing even a lie of much interest. ”

“ Agitated as the ladies were at this summons, they found all their alarms put to flight in a moment by the affability and gracious manners of the high personage. Nothing came amiss to him: every thing was right and delightful. ”

“ Vigour and well-timed lenity will do wonders. What most disturbs me however is the necessity of returning instantly to my capital: to-morrow I must be at the head of my troops, who have already taken the field: so that I shall be obliged to quit my beloved bride without a moment’s delay; for I would not have her exposed to the dangers of war, however transient.”
At this moment the carriage, which had been summoned by Von Hoax, rolled up to the door: the Count whispered a few tender words in the ear of his bride ”

“ Von Hoax. The carriage he will use on this occasion is a plain landau, the body painted dark blue: and for his Highness in particular, you will easily distinguish him by his superb whiskers. Of course we need scarcely suggest to you, that, if the principal hotel of your town should not be in comme-il-faut order, it will be proper to meet the illustrious traveller on his entrance with an offer of better accommodations in one of the best private mansions, amongst which your own is reputed to stand foremost. Your town is to have the honour of his first visit ”

“ With respect to the various petitioners, the bakers, the glaziers, the hair-dressers, &c., they all maintain, that though Fitz-Hum may have been a spurious prince, yet, undoubtedly the man had so much sense and political discernment that he well deserved to have been a true one. ”

“ The hair-dressers were modest, indeed too modest in their demands—confining themselves to the request that for the better encouragement of wigs a tax should be imposed on every man who wore his own hair, and that it should be felony for a gentleman to appear without powder. ”

“ First came the town-council with the chief burgomaster at their head: the recent order for the reduction of fees, &c., was naturally made the subject of a dutiful remonstrance; great was the joy with which the Count’s answer was received:—“On the word of a prince, he had never heard of it before: his signature must have been obtained by some court intrigue; but he could assure his faithful council that on his return to his capital his first care would be to punish the authors of so scandalous a measure ”

“ Men and musquets being alike veterans, the agility of youth was not to be expected of them; and the issue was—that only two guns did actually go off. “But in commercial cities,” as the good-natured Count observed to his host, “a large discount must always be made on prompt payment.” ”

“ The shoe-makers, in conjuction with the tanners and curriers, complained that providence had in vain endowed leather with the valuable property of perishableness—if the selfishness of the iron-trade were allowed to counteract this benign arrangement by driving nails into all men’s shoe-soles. ”

“ This agent bore the name of Von Hoax; and, by his report, the wager has been adjudged to Von Holster as brilliantly won. Thus far all was well; what follows however, is still better. Some time ago a young lady of large fortune, and still larger expectations, on a visit to the capital, had met with Mr. Von. ”