Keith Laumer

“ A Groacian bartender was dispensing clay pots of alcoholic drink from the bar-pit at the center of the room. He looked at Retief and froze in mid-motion, a metal tube poised over a waiting pot.
"To enjoy a cooling drink," Retief said in Groacian, squatting down at the edge of the pit. "To sample a true Groacian beverage."
"To not enjoy my poor offerings," the Groacian mumbled. "A pain in the digestive sacs; to express regret."
"To not worry," Retief said, irritated. "To pour it out and let me decide whether I like it."
"To be grappled in by peace-keepers for poisoning of—foreigners." ”

“ Miss Meuhl stood up, quivering with indignation. "You're like a ... a...."
"You and I are in a tight spot, Miss Meuhl. The logical next move for the Groaci is to dispose of both of us. We're the only ones who know what happened. Fith almost did the job this afternoon, but I bluffed him out—for the moment."
Miss Meuhl emitted a shrill laugh. "Your fantasies are getting the better of you," she gasped. "In danger, indeed! Disposing of me! I've never heard anything so ridiculous."
"Stay in this office. Close and safe-lock the door. You've got food and water in the dispenser. ”

“ Retief rose, went to the communicator, assisted Miss Meuhl aside.
"Listen carefully, Fith," he said. "Your bluff has been called. You don't come in and we don't come out. Your camouflage worked for nine years, but it's all over now. I suggest you keep your heads and resist the temptation to make matters worse than they are."
"Miss Meuhl," Fith said, "a peace squad waits outside your consulate. It is clear you are in the hands of a dangerous lunatic. As always, the Groaci wish only friendship with the Terrestrials, but—"
"Don't bother," Retief said. ”

“ The barkeep whispered something, and two customers came up to the drunk, took his arms and helped him to the door.
"To get a cage!" the drunk shrilled. "To keep the animals in their own stinking place."
"I've changed my mind," Retief said to the bartender. "To be grateful as hell, but to have to hurry off now." He followed the drunk out the door. The other Groaci released him, hurried back inside. Retief looked at the weaving alien.
"To begone, freak," the Groacian whispered.
"To be pals," Retief said. "To be kind to dumb animals." ”

“ A crowd of crested Groaci pressed into the room, pushed Miss Meuhl back, aimed scatter guns at Retief. Police Chief Shluh pushed forward.
"Attempt no violence, Terrestrial," he said. "I cannot promise to restrain my men."
"You're violating Terrestrial territory, Shluh," Retief said steadily. "I suggest you move back out the same way you came in."
"I invited them here," Miss Meuhl spoke up. "They are here at my express wish."
"Are they? Are you sure you meant to go this far, Miss Meuhl? A squad of armed Groaci in the consulate?"
"You are the consul, Miss Yolanda Meuhl," Shluh said. ”

“ Miss Meuhl said, eyeing Retief over her lenses. "There are two gentlemen waiting to see you. Groacian gentlemen."
"Government men, I imagine. Word travels fast." Retief pulled off his cape. "This saves me the trouble of paying another call at the Foreign Ministry."
"What have you been doing? They seem very upset, I don't mind telling you."
"I'm sure you don't. Come along. And bring an official recorder."
Two Groaci wearing heavy eye-shields and elaborate crest ornaments indicative of rank rose as Retief entered the room. Neither offered a courteous snap of the mandibles, Retief noted. ”

“ The Groacian shuddered, eye stalks retracted.
"I will do it," he said faintly.
"Right," Retief said. "Captain, if you'll have your men bring in the transmitter from the shuttle, I'll place a call to a fellow named Fith at the foreign office." He turned to Shluh. "And when I get him, Shluh, you'll do everything exactly as I've told you—or have terrestrial monitors dictating in Groac City."
"Quite candidly, Retief," Counsellor Pardy said, "I'm rather nonplussed. Mr. Fith of the foreign office seemed almost painfully lavish in your praise. He seems most eager to please you. ”

“ She looked at Retief, rose and snapped on a light, turned to stare.
"What in the world—Where have you been? What's happened to your clothing?"
"I got a little dirty. Don't worry about it." Retief went to his desk, opened a drawer and replaced the needler.
"Where have you been?" Miss Meuhl demanded. "I stayed here—"
"I'm glad you did," Retief said. "I hope you piled up a supply of food and water from the dispenser, too. We'll be holed up here for a week, at least." He jotted figures on a pad. "Warm up the official sender. I have a long transmission for Regional Headquarters." ”

“ Shluh said. The car rocked and jounced, rounded a corner, puffed along between ornamented pastel facades.
"To have a trial and then to have a bit of sport," the cop said.
"To suck the eggs in your own hill," Retief said. "To make another stupid mistake."
Shluh raised his short ceremonial club and cracked Retief across the temple. Retief shook his head, tensed—
The cop in the front seat beside the driver turned and rammed the barrel of his scatter-gun against Retief's ribs.
"To make no move, outworlder," he said. Shluh raised his club and carefully struck Retief again. He slumped. ”

“ Miss Meuhl blinked behind thick lenses. "Whatever for?"
Retief looked thoughtfully at Miss Meuhl. "You've been here on Groac for four years, Miss Meuhl. What was behind the coup d'etat that put the present government in power?"
"I'm sure I haven't pried into—"
"What about that Terrestrial cruiser? The one that disappeared out this way about ten years back?"
"Mr. Retief, those are just the sort of questions we avoid with the Groaci. I certainly hope you're not thinking of openly intruding—"
"Why?"
"The Groaci are a very sensitive race. They don't welcome outworlders raking up things. ”

“ The cruiser itself must be somewhere near by. I want to know where!"
"The Groaci don't know. They're a very cultured, gentle people. You can do irreparable harm to the reputation of Terrestrials if you insist—"
"That's my decision," Retief said. "I have a job to do and we're wasting time." He crossed the room to his desk, opened a drawer and took out a slim-barreled needler.
"This office is being watched. Not very efficiently, if I know the Groaci. I think I can get past them all right."
"Where are you going with ... that?" Miss Meuhl stared at the needler. ”

“ I'd hate to see your carapace split and spill loveable you all over the pavement."
"To burst your throat sac, evil-smelling beast!" Shluh hissed.
"Sorry, I haven't got one." Retief put the gun under Shluh's ear. "Tell them, Shluh. I can drive myself, in a pinch."
"To do as the foreign one says; to stay hidden until dark," Shluh said. ”

“ Fith spoke to Shluh in rapid Groacian. The police chief gestured to his four armed constables. They moved to ring Retief in.
Retief eyed Fith. "Don't try it," he said. "You'll just get yourself in deeper."
Fith clacked his mandibles angrily, eye stalks canted aggressively toward the Terrestrial.
"Out of deference to your diplomatic status, Terrestrial, I shall ignore your insulting remarks," Fith said in his reedy voice. "Let us now return to the city."
Retief looked at the four policemen. "I see your point," he said.
Fith followed him into the car, sat rigidly at the far end of the seat. ”

“ Miss Meuhl said sharply. She looked at the blood on Retief's shirt.
"He told me nothing," she whispered. "I swear it."
"Let it lie, boys," Retief said. "Before you spoil that good impression."
Shluh looked at Miss Meuhl for a long moment. Then he turned.
"Let us go," he said. He turned back to Miss Meuhl. "Do not leave this building until further advice," he said.
"But ... I am the Terrestrial consul!"
"For your safety, madam. The people are aroused at the beating of Groacian nationals by an ... alien." ”

“ Don't add violation of the Consulate to the list of Groacian atrocities."
"Take the man," Shluh said.
Two tall Groaci came to Retief's side, guns aimed at his chest.
"Determined to hang yourselves, aren't you?" Retief said. "I hope you have sense enough not to lay a hand on this poor fool here." He jerked a thumb at Miss Meuhl. "She doesn't know anything. I hadn't had time to tell her yet. She thinks you're a band of angels."
The cop at Retief's side swung the butt of his scatter-gun, connected solidly with Retief's jaw. ”

“ The driver grabbed at the tiller and shrank against the window, watching Retief with one eye, driving with the other.
"To gun this thing," Retief said. "To keep moving."
Shluh stirred on the floor. Retief put a foot on him, pressed him back. The cop beside Retief moved. Retief pushed him off the seat onto the floor.
He held the scatter-gun with one hand and mopped at the blood on his face with the other. The car bounded over the irregular surface of the road, puffing furiously.
"Your death will not be an easy one, Terrestrial," Shluh said in Terran. ”

“ They are useful only for satellite runs."
"Never mind the details. Let's try the first in line."
Shluh let in the clutch and the steam car clanked and heaved, rolled off toward the line of boats.
"Not the first in line," Shluh said suddenly. "The last is the more likely to be fueled. But—"
"Smart grasshopper," Retief said. "Pull up to the entry port, hop out and go right up. I'll be right behind you." ”

“ Retief said. "That tune went over with my predecessors, but it hits a sour note with me."
"All our efforts," Miss Meuhl said, "to live down that terrible episode! And you—"
"Terrible? I understand that a Terrestrial task force stood off Groac and sent a delegation down to ask questions. They got some funny answers, and stayed on to dig around a little. After a week they left. Somewhat annoying to the Groaci, maybe—at the most. If they were innocent."
"IF!" Miss Meuhl burst out.
"If, indeed!" Fith said, his weak voice trembling. "I must protest your—"
"Save the protests, Fith. ”

“ We feared the strange creatures from the alien craft. We did not kill them, but we felt it was as well they ... did not survive. Then, when the warships came, we realized our error. But we feared to speak. ”

“ Miss Meuhl said. "Thank heaven I've already—"
"Get that sender going, woman!" Retief snapped. "This is important."
"I've already done so, Mr. Retief!" Miss Meuhl said harshly. "I've been waiting for you to come back here...." She turned to the communicator, flipped levers. The screen snapped aglow, and a wavering long-distance image appeared.
"He's here now," Miss Meuhl said to the screen. She looked at Retief triumphantly.
"That's good," Retief said. "I don't think the Groaci can knock us off the air, but—"
"I have done my duty, Mr. ”