Molière

“ Since it is a fact that we cannot cure any disease without first knowing it perfectly, and that we cannot know it perfectly without first establishing its exact nature and its true species by its diagnosis and prognosis, you will give me leave, you, my senior, to enter upon the consideration of the disease that is in question, before we think of the therapeutics and the remedies that we must decide upon in order to effect a perfect cure. ”

“ On the other hand, however, here is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good faith to marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom he has never seen. A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts his confidence in me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake. (To Mr. de Pourceaugnac) Yes, I think that I can tell you how things are without wounding my conscience. ”

“ But, before all things, I think it desirable to enliven him by pleasant conversations, by vocal and instrumental music, to which it will not be amiss to add dancers, that their movements, figures, and agility may stir up and awaken the sluggishness of his spirits, which occasions the thickness of his blood from whence the disease proceeds. These are the remedies I propose, to which may be added many better ones by you, Sir, my master and senior, according to the experience, judgment, knowledge and sufficiency that you have acquired in our art. ”

“ It is a thing in which a neighbour's honour is concerned.
Mr. Pour. That I may oblige you to treat me like a friend, here is a small ring I beg of you to keep for my sake.
Sbri. Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it. (Goes away a small distance from Mr. de Pourceaugnac.) He is a man who looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody. It is true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to a man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal of one's neighbour. ”

“ Nothing can be more learnedly, judiciously, and ingeniously conceived, thought, imagined, than what you have delivered on the subject of this disease, either as regards the diagnostic, the prognostic, or the therapeutic; and nothing remains for me to do but to congratulate this gentleman upon falling into your hands, and to tell him that he is but too fortunate to be mad, in order to experience the gentle efficacy of the remedies you have so judiciously proposed. ”

“ SCENE V.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.
Mr. Pour. (turning to the side he came from, and speaking to the people who are following him) . Well, what is it? What is the matter? What do you want? Deuce take this stupid town, and the people who live in it! Nobody can walk a step without meeting a lot of asses staring and laughing like fools at one. You boobies, mind your business; and let folk pass without grinning in their faces. Deuce take me if I don't knock down the first man I see laughing. ”

“ This is telling you that we have many schemes in hand for the occasion, and that our clever Nérine and the dexterous Sbrigani have undertaken to bring the affair to a successful issue.
Ner. Yes, we have indeed. Is your father crazy to think of entangling you with his lawyer of Limoges; that Mr. de Pourceaugnac, whom he has never seen in his life, and who comes by the coach to take you away before our very eyes? Ought three or four thousand crowns, more or less—and that, too, upon the word of your uncle—to make him refuse a lover you like? Besides, are you made for a Limousin? ”

“ Heaven grant that these remedies, which are yours, Sir, may succeed with the patient according to our wish!
Mr. Pour. Gentlemen, I have been listening to you for the last hour. Are we acting a comedy here?
1st Phy. No, Sir; we are not acting a comedy.
Mr. Pour. What does it all mean? What are you about with this gibberish and nonsense of yours?
1st Phy. Ah! Insulting language! A diagnostic which was wanting for the confirmation of his disease. This may turn to mania. ”

“ Era. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac) . I shall expect you with great impatience.
Mr. Pour. (to Sbrigani) . I find an acquaintance when I little expected to meet with one.
Sbri. He looks like an honest man. (Exeunt.)
Era. (alone) . Ah! ah! Mr. de Pourceaugnac, you will get it hot! Everything is ready, and I have only to give the word. Soho! there.
SCENE VII.——ÉRASTE, AN APOTHECARY.
Era. I think, Sir, that you are the doctor to whom somebody went to speak in my name.
Apo. No, Sir. I am not the doctor; such an honour does not belong to me. I am only an unworthy apothecary; at your service. ”

“ I call it hypochondriac melancholy, to distinguish it from the other two; for the celebrated Galen establishes and decides in a most learned manner, as is usual with him, that there are three species of the disease which we call melancholy, so called, not only by the Latins, but also by the Greeks; which in this case is worthy of remark: the first, which arises from a direct disease of the brain; the second, which proceeds from the whole of the blood, made and rendered atrabilious ”

“ This wretch of a Limousin has run away with your daughter!
Oro. Run away with my daughter!
Sbri. Yes; she became so infatuated with him that she has left you to follow him. It is said that he has a charm to make all women fall in love with him.
Oro. Quick! Justice! Let the police be set after them!
SCENE IX.——ORONTE, ÉRASTE, JULIA, SBRIGANI.
Era. (to Julia) . Come along; you shall come in spite of yourself. I will put you in your father's hands. Sir, here is your daughter, whom I had to take by force from the man with whom she was running away ”

“ It is only common sense which tells me that I shall always be admitted to be justified by facts, and that I could not be condemned upon a simple accusation, without witnesses, evidence, and confrontation with my adverse party. ”

“ He is quite right. A patient should not wish to be cured unless the faculty consents to it.
Apo. It is not because we are great friends that I speak so of him; but it is a pleasure to be his patient, and I had rather die by his medicines than be cured with those of another. For, whatever may happen, we know for certain that things are always in due order; and should we die under his care, our heirs have nothing to reproach us with.
Era. A great comfort to a dead man.
Apo. Certainly; it is pleasant to have died according to rules. Moreover, he is not one of those doctors who let a disease off. ”

“ Jul. Do what you will, we will be married in spite of everybody.
Oro. I shall know how to prevent it, I forewarn you. What madness has taken hold of her?
SCENE VII.——ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
Mr. Pour. I say, our intended father-in-law, don't give yourself so much trouble; I have no intention of running away with your daughter; and your pretence won't take at all. ”

“ All I should like to add is to let all his bleedings and purgings be of an odd number, numero deus impare gaudet, to take the whey before the bath, and to make him a forehead plaster, in the composition of which there should be salt—salt is a symbol of wisdom; to whitewash the walls of his room, to dissipate the gloominess of his mind; album est disgregativum visas; and to give him a little injection immediately, to serve as a prelude and introduction to those judicious remedies, from which, if he is curable, he must receive relief. ”

“ These words come into my head without my knowledge.
Sbri. It seems to me that the common sense of a gentleman may go so far as to understand what belongs to right and the order of justice, but not to know the very terms of chicane. ”

“ I have seen people of high standing in the world. The only thing that troubles me is that I have somewhat of a beard.
Sbri. Oh! it's not worth mentioning. There are many women who have as much. Now, let us just see how you will behave yourself. (Mr. de Pourceaugnac mimics a lady of rank.) ”

“ It is a bad sign when a patient does not feel his illness.
Mr. Pour. I tell you that I am quite well.
1st Phy. We know better than you how you are; we are physicians who see plainly into your constitution.
Mr. Pour. If you are physicians, I have nothing to do with you; and I snap my fingers at all your physic.
1st Phy. H'm! h'm! This man is madder than we thought.
Mr. Pour. My father and mother would never have anything to do with remedies; and they both died without the help of doctors. ”

“ All this being taken for granted, since a disease well-known is a disease half cured, for ignoti nulla est curatio morbis, it will not be difficult for you to conclude what are the remedies needed by our patient. ”

“ Sbri. You are a man to hear reason. Is there no way of adjusting this matter with the help of a few pistoles?
Off. (to his subordinates) . Go farther back.
SCENE VII.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, A POLICE OFFICER.
Sbri. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac ) . You must give him some money for him to let you go. Be quick.
Mr. Pour. (giving some money to Sbrigani) . Ah! cursed place. ”

“ Sbri. But it may not be so bad as people think; and after all, there are men who set themselves above such things, and who do not think that their honour depends upon....
Mr. Pour. I am your servant; I have no wish to adorn my person with such a head-dress, and the Pourceaugnacs are accustomed to walk with their heads free.
Sbri. Here is the father.
Mr. Pour. Who? this old man?
Sbri. Yes. Allow me to withdraw.
SCENE V.——ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
Mr. Pour. Good morning, Sir; good morning.
Oro. Your servant, Sir; your servant.
Mr. Pour. You are Mr. Oronte; are you not? ”

“ What do I want o' thee, yèu villun! Thee's mak wise neet to know me, disn? an' thee disn turn rid nuther, èempodent oseburd that thee art! What! thee witn turn colour vur to leuk me in the fae-as! (To Oronte) I baent sàaf, Maister, nif'tis yèu that they do zay 'ee weeshth vur to marry wi' the darter o'? but 'owsomever I zwear to yèu, I be the weiv o' un, an' that zeben yur agone when 'ee was a travellin' drue Pézenas, he made out, we' 'iz falseness, that 'ee knowth zo wul 'ow vur act vur to come over my 'art, an' zo by one way or tother vur to git me vur to gèe unmy 'an vur to marry un. ”

“ He is a man who understands medicine thoroughly, as well as I do my A B C;8 and who, were you to die for it, would not abate one iota of the rules of the ancients. Yes, he always follows the high-road—the high-road, Sir, and doesn't spend his time finding out mares' nests. ”

“ This is kind care indeed!
Apo. Here he is, here he is; here he is coming.
SCENE VIII.——ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY, COUNTRYMAN, COUNTRYWOMAN.
C. Man. Sir, he can hold out no longer; he says he feels the greatest pains imaginable in his head.
1st Phy. The patient is a fool; for in the disease by which he is attacked it is not his head, according to Galen, but the spleen, which must give pain. ”

“ And as the real source of all this mischief is either a foul and feculent humour or a black and gross vapour, which obscures, empoisons, and contaminates the animal spirits, it is proper afterwards that he should have a bath of pure and clean water, with abundance of whey ”

“ The very name of Pourceaugnac puts me in a frightful rage. I boil over with Mr. de Pourceaugnac. If it were only because of the name, I would do anything to prevent the match. No, you shall not be Mrs. de Pourceaugnac. Pourceaugnac! Was ever such a name heard of!1 No, I could never put up with Pourceaugnac; and we will abuse the man to such an extent, and play him so many tricks, that he will have to return to Limoges, Mr. de Pourceaugnac.
Era. Here is our cunning Neapolitan, who will give us news.
SCENE IV.——JULIA, ÉRASTE, SBRIGANI, NÉRINE.
Sbri. Our man has just come, Sir. ”

“ He pe one funny man, he pe; man says dat he married dree times hafe.
1st Swiss. Ze room fellow! he vant dree wifes all to himself! one fery much pe quite enough for him.
2nd Swiss. (perceiving Mr. de Pourceaugnac.) Ah! goot tay, missy.
1st Swiss. Vat do you zere all by self.
Mr. Pour. I am waiting for my servants, gentlemen.
2nd Swiss. You pe prooty, missy?
Mr. Pour. Gently, sirs.
1st Swiss. Missy, vill you come and amuse you on de market-place? Ve will make you zee one little hanging fery prooty. ”

“ I nivur sheudn abin abrought down vur to be the pour weesh thing that I be now—vur to zee my man, cruel like, mak a laughin' sport of all the love that I've a 'ad vorn, an' lef me athout one beet o' pity, vur the mortal pàin I've abeared, 'bout the shee'amful way 'eev asàrd me.
Oro. Really, I feel quite ready to weep. Go! you are a wicked man!
SCENE IX.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, NÉRINE, LUCETTE, ORONTE.
Ner. (pretending to be from Picardy) . 13 Oh! Aa can stand nowt more ”

“ What, yèu rogue, yèu don't mind poor leedle Franky an' poor leedle Jinny—they that be the outcomin's o' our marridge?
Ner. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel, owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith? ”

“ Oro. It is of no use to affect ignorance. I have seen the Flemish merchant who with other creditors obtained a decision against you eight months ago.
Mr. Pour. What Flemish merchant? What creditors? What decision obtained against me?
Oro. You know perfectly well what I mean.
SCENE VIII.——MR. DR POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE.
Luc. (pretending to be a woman from Languedoc) . 12 Oh, yèu be yur, be'e! an' I've avoun thee to làs, àrter all this yur tràepsin' vùrwurd an' backward. Cans thee now, yèu rascal; cans leuk me in the fae-as?
Mr. Pour. What is it this woman wants? ”

“ Oro. He is like any other man.
Sbri. I ask you, Sir, if he one man of money is?
Oro. Yes.
Sbri. But very mooch rich, Sir?
Oro. Yes.
Sbri. It does me mooch pleasure, Sir.
Oro. But why should it?
Sbri. It is, Sir, for one littel great reason for us.
Oro. But why?
Sbri. It is, Sir, dat dis Mr. Oronte his tauchter in marriage to a certain Mr. Pourgnac gifes.
Oro. Well!
Sbri. And dis Mr. Pourgnac, Sir, is one man vat owes mooch golt to ten or twelf Flemish marchants vat come here.
Oro. T his Mr. de Pourceaugnac owes a great deal to ten or twelve merchants? ”

“ Sbri. (aside, and going) . For my part, I will bring another battery into play; for the father-in-law is as much of a dupe as the son-in-law.
SCENE II.——ORONTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN.
1st Phy. A certain gentleman, Sir, a Mr. de Pourceaugnac, is to marry your daughter; is he not?
Oro. Yes; I expect him from Limoges, and he ought to have been here before now.
1st Phy. And he has come; he has run away from my house, after having been placed under my care ”