Nelson S. Bond

“ Even when Hank explained that the same effect would be visible to a man standing in the middle of the floor of a gigantic room while the walls receded, as would be visible to a man shrinking in the middle of a normal-sized room. They didn't get it, but they tried. They took it home to sleep on.
So grew the fame of Horse-sense Hank. And while all this was going on, another thing was happening, too. Hank was seeing Helen MacDowell, practically every night. And—well, if you've ever seen a supercharged carton of honey and dynamite like Helen, you know the inevitable results. ”

“ I deciphered, "you mean why am I here, sure! This is an unveiling. Take off your polysyllables, Doctor. You're in the presence of genius."
"Genius?" MacDowell stared distastefully at Hank's mail-order suit and bulldog shoes. "Genius?" ”

“ Then the ball stopped rolling and the attendant purred, "Twenty-one red, passé!" and raked to my little bet an equal number of chips.
I pointed at the neat, even rows of chips and bills stacked before the croupier.
"You see that stuff, my friend? That's money, not hay. You may be a genius at some things, but this is the old gambola. A risk any way you look at it. Lay off my bets!"
And this time I moved my entire bet to the black column. Why not? It was due.
But Hank said plaintively, "Shucks, Jim, it stands to reason—"
And once again he reached out and shifted my bet to the red. ”

“ All my life I've wanted to see what would happen when a man with plain, ordinary horse-sense crossed gray matter with a bunch of animated reference books. You're the party of the first part. Look, Hank—suppose you were out hunting with another guy. ”

“ But Tomkins, the astronomer, wasn't through yet.
"Our observations, Hank, also indicate that in this universe, every other galaxy is running away from ours as fast as it can. Why is this?"
Cleaver repeated unbelievingly, "Runnin' away?"
"Yes. Our spectroscopes show a 'red shift' in the apparent motion of all stars. This proves that the universe is expanding—"
"Why, no!" said Hank. "Gosh, no!"
"No?"
"Why, you got it all backward," explained Horse-sense Hank. "What you're sayin' ain't reasonable. Truth of the matter is, the universe ain't expandin' at all. It's just a-standin' still. ”

“ I said solemnly, "something tells me the discovery of that comet was peanuts. Just peanuts. I'm going to get you that subsidy, anyway. And tomorrow morning I'm going back to have another talk with the guy who earned it for you."
So I did. I found Horse-sense Hank poking around in his south forty and told him what I wanted. He didn't answer for so long that I thought maybe the shock had killed him.
I asked anxiously, "Well, Hank? What's the word?"
"Turnips," he said mournfully, "is hell. It don't matter where you plant 'em or how careful. They never do what you expect. ”

“ This man has studied physics. He knows—"
"Physics?" interrupted Hank eagerly. "Say, you're darn tootin' I've studied physics. An' take it from me, all these here now drugstore things ain't no good. You get you a batch of fresh wild-cherry saplings, bile 'em in water for a half hour, an' add—"
"Quiet," I pleaded, "is requested for the sake of those who are asleep. Dr. MacDowell, I give you my word of honor Hank is just what he appears to be. A man of the soil, gifted with great talents. Or rather, one great talent—that of common sense." ”

“ I report to the Advisory Council. Now, listen to me. This man is the greatest find since Pharoah's daughter went snipe hunting in the bulrushes. He knows stuff and things."
"Stuff?" wheezed the college president. "Things?"
"Ask him. Anything at all. He's got more answers than a quiz program."
MacDowell stiffened like a strychnine victim. "I refuse," he proclaimed stentoriously, "to lend myself to such a display. The dignity of my office—"
Helen MacDowell had been staring at Hank with frank curiosity.
Now she said, "Papa, why don't you follow Jim's suggestion? Ask Mr. Cleaver a question." ”

“ I reached Westville before dark, found the man I'd been sent out to interview, and told him who I was.
"I'm Jim Blakeson," I said. "There's a rumor that I'm the Public Relations Department for Midland University. It's a phony. Between you and me and the League of Nations, I'm really the third assistant errand boy for Culture, Inc. Now—about this new comet you discovered.
"Midland is all upsy-daisy to find such a promising young amateur astronomer in the state. ”

“ I groaned. The chips before Hank were a rainbow. At a rough estimate, he was about thirty grand to the pink. To stake all that on one roll—a 38-to-1 shot for a 35-to-1 return—
"No, Hank!" I tugged his coat sleeve. "Cash in! Don't take a crazy chance like that!"
He looked at me aggrievedly. "But it ain't what you might call a chance, Jim. 'Pears to me like it's a sure thing for number nineteen to come up. Way I see it—" He nodded to the manager. "Let 'er ride. The works on number nineteen."
The manager nodded to the croupier, the croupier set the tiny ball spinning. ”

“ Not without my Boy Scout axe. What am I going to do? I've got to get to Westville before dark, my car's on the squeegee, and so far as I'm concerned that thing under the hood is a deep, dark mystery."
He said, "Let's see," interestedly, and gangled over the fence. He lifted the hood and stared into the maw of my crate. His eyes darted from one piece of machinery to another; after a while he began to mumble to himself, and once he nodded.
Then he muttered, "'Pears like it oughta be this 'un here—" and reached in and touched something. It clinked. He tightened it. ”

“ Well, seems like everything in motion makes an equal motion like itself, an' it don't matter whether what it acts on is still or movin'. An' if there's anything else actin' along with it, both movements is goin' to have a say in the showdown. ”