P. G. Wodehouse

“ Kirk, having reached the top of the stairs, had to check the wild rush he was making for the bathroom in order not to collide with Steve, whom he found waiting for him with outstretched hand and sympathetic excitement writ large upon his face.
"Excuse me, squire," said Steve, "I've been playing the part of Rubberneck Rupert in that little drama you've just been starring in. I just couldn't help listening. Say, this mitt's for you. Shake it! So you're going to marry Bailey's sister, Ruth, are you? You're the lucky guy. She's a queen!" ”

“ It's the only thing to do, ma'am, when you're up against it. Get in the first wallop before the other guy can get himself set for his punch. 'Kirk,' I says, 'don't you wait for old man Bannister to tell you you can't marry Miss Ruth. Marry her before he can say it.' I wish you'd tell him the same thing, ma'am. You know the old man as well as I do—better, I guess—and you know that Kirk ain't got a chance in a million with him if he don't rush him. Ain't that right?"
"Mr. Dingle," said Mrs. Porter, "I should like to shake you by the hand. It is amazing to me to find such sound sense in a man. ”

“ You shall never marry my child!' come back at him by saying: 'Thanks very much, but I've just done it!'"
"Good heavens, Steve!"
"You'll never win out else. You don't know old man Bannister. I do."
"But——"
The door-bell rang.
"Who on earth's that?" said Kirk. "It can't be Bailey back again."
"Good morning, Pennicut," spoke the clear voice of Mrs. Lora Delane Porter. "I wish to see Mr. Winfield."
"Yes, ma'am. He's upstairs in 'is bath!"
"I will wait in the studio."
"Good Lord!" cried Kirk, bounding from his seat on the rail. "For Heaven's sake, Steve, go and talk to her while I dress. ”

“ Bailey suddenly remembered the speech he had framed in the cab.
"Aunt Lora," he said, "I am sorry to have to intrude upon you at so early an hour, but it is imperative that I see Ruth and ask her to explain the meaning of a most disturbing piece of news that has come to my ears."
Mrs. Porter did not appear to have heard him.
"A man of your height should weigh more," she said. "What is your weight?"
"My weight; beside the point——"
"Your weight is under a hundred and forty pounds, and it ought to be over a hundred and sixty. Eat more. Avoid alcohol. Keep regular hours." ”

“ I'm not fit to shine her shoes. My dear old man, if you hadn't come and told me this I never should have had the nerve to say a word to her.
"You're a corker. You've changed everything. You'll have to excuse me. ”