Tom Masson

“ His manners are usually a cross between a custom-house officer and a Weber & Fields star, and he always hands you the pen with the third finger of the right hand upon which rests a superb Koh-i-nur that has had yellow fever.
The head-waiter sweeps the air for you as you enter the dining-room, and takes what you have left. ”

“ A SUMMER resort is a place where dressmakers display their goods.
The proper ingredients of a Summer resort are a blond beach, a delicate, rheumatic hotel, about one thousand victims and plenty of hot air. Summer resorts were originally invented for giving people a rest. Now their principal purpose is to make everybody tired. ”

“ Well, it's something to have a better half who can buy pearl necklaces every day in the year if he wishes to, even though he has to hire help to make his selection.
As the burglar picked up the candlestick once more, he turned and faced the bed. With her head on the lace pillow, a beautiful woman lay sleeping. It was rather an interesting situation. There was the burglar, with the mask over his face to conceal his identity, and the hundred-thousand-dollar necklace, that the woman's husband had given her, loosely thrown in his pocket. ”

“ Children exist in great numbers in Summer resorts, for some unknown reason these places being supposed to be good for the final recovery from measles, mumps, scarlet fever and other popular diseases. They romp in the corridors while you take your afternoon nap, and thoughtfully wake you up early enough in the morning to take the business man's train for town when you have foolishly planned to pound your adamantine mattress for another hour.
The only things that are not allowed at a Summer resort are dogs. ”

“ The curtain rose promptly, and the first actor came forward.
"I am a real, genuine, selfish man," said he. "I care for nobody but myself. My own interest is the main thing with me."
He retired, and another man came forward. ”

“ Peter Blanton made some fuss about accepting a hundred-thousand-dollar pearl necklace her hubby gave her the other day, because he had asked some other woman to select it for him. However that may be, I am authoritatively informed that she is to wear it at the Bellknobs' dinner next Wednesday evening.
Mrs. Peter, as every one knows, is a thoroughbred, and not the one to turn down a necklace just because her hubby got advice. ”

“ Her Father: “I’ve spent twenty thousand dollars on that girl since she was born.”
Her Mother: “She needs a tonic.”
Her Maid: “What a pity her clothes don't fit me.”
Her Enemy: “She never troubles me a bit. I never think of her.” ”

“ The longest-living author of this work died in 1942, so this work is in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 81 years or less. This work may be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works. ”