George M. Baker

“ No, ill Charley; a decidedly badly-used Charley. Do you know that photograph?
Nelly. It’s our Jenny.
Charles. Our Jenny! And it’s sent to my friend Dolby. I’ll murder him!
Nelly. Now, Charley, don’t be jealous. I’ve no doubt Jenny will explain matters to your entire satisfaction. (Persis knocks at door L.) Ah, who’s that?
Charles (moving to door L.) . It’s the cat. Scat, pussy, pussy, pussy!
Nelly, R. (changes photograph in note for another) . I’ll see if we cannot put a new face upon the matter. (Aloud) Here’s your note, Charley. Don’t be jealous; it doesn’t look well in a man at all. ”

“ O, it’s absurd!
(Dolby appears at door with a fishing-rod in case, a gun, and a scoop-net with handle, clumsily held in his arms; a game-bag swung one side, and a fishing-basket the other.)
Dolby. Ah, there you are, Charley. And here I am, armed and equipped as the law directs. (Attempts to enter; gun gets across the doorway. Backs and tries again; net gets across the doorway. Business repeated.) Well, well, this is getting interesting (enters) . Ah! here we are (drops everything on floor, and runs to Charles, hands extended) . How are you, old fellow? Alive and kicking? ”

“ Nelly. Dinner’s ready.
Charles (gives his wife his arm, C.) . Come, let’s to dinner. (Dolby and Nelly arm in arm, R.; Captain and Miss Persis arm in arm, L.) Are you ready, captain?
Bobstay. Ay, ay, Charley, with a rousing appetite. So heave ahead; we’ll follow in your wake. I’m happy. You are happy, widow. Yes, we’re all happy—for we’ve had a day’s sport, and all our troubles have—mysteriously disappeared. ”

“ She’s jest as purty as a pictur; and I kinder think she hankers arter me. I jest like her, you bet! Wish sometimes I could be a caterpillar, and crawl under her purty feet. I couldn’t be more smashed than I am now. Wal, I’ll go and hunt up Mr. Cleverly with the other letter (goes up C.) . Nothin’ wantin’, Miss Nelly?
Nelly. Nothing; thank you, Carlos.
Carlos (at door) . O, she’s a beauty. Takes such pains to call me Carlos. Mr. Cleverly he always calls me Careless, ’cause he says it’s my natur. ”

“ There’s a woman at the bottom.
Charles. At the bottom of the sea? Good gracious!
Bobstay. No. I wish she was, Charley. Put it there (shakes hands) . You’ve heard me speak of Spanker, skipper of the Venetian Red?
Charles. Many a time. He was a particular friend of yours, I believe.
Bobstay. Charley, listen to a tale that would make the marines blush. When I reached Valparaiso on my last run, I found the Venetian Red there before me; but I found that Spanker had “mysteriously disappeared.” [A] His hat and coat were found upon the pier, and he was supposed to be beneath the waves. ”

“ Cleverly with hat and shawl, door L. She looks over Nelly’s shoulder at picture.)
A girl might be happy with such a man. I’ve no doubt I shall blush when we meet. (To photograph.) You dear fellow, you are good-looking and smart—
Mrs. C. Indeed he is, Nelly.
Nelly (jumping up) . O, good gracious! you here?
Mrs. C. Have I disturbed your devotions? Who is he? When will it be?
Nelly (puts photograph in her bosom) . Nonsense; it’s only a slight acquaintance.
Mrs. C. You do not slight his picture. I should say he was a bosom-friend. Where’s Charley?
Nelly. Out on the farm, hilling corn, I believe. ”

“ Dolby. Now let’s see—what shall we do first? There’s fishing, hunting, and making love to a pretty girl. I’ve only a day, and we must crowd lots of fun into ten hours.
Charles. Well, what say you to lunch first?
Dolby. Nothing for me, save a glass of warm milk from the hands of a dairymaid. I’ve come down here to breathe the country air. Stop a moment. I forgot that (runs up to door C. and stands breathing hard, and striking his breast) . Ah, that’s the sort; the invigorating air of the country. Ah! (with a long breath) there’s the first dose.
(Enter Nelly, R. Dolby comes down L.)
Charles. ”

“ Dixon Dolby, Rosa Bean.
Dolby. Well, that’s clever (runs up to her, C.) . How do you do (shakes hands) . (They go to lounge and sit talking.)
Mrs. C. And you suspected me, Charley!
Charles. What could I do? Your aunt Bobstay brought me your picture, which somehow has mysteriously disappeared.
Bobstay (jumping up) . “Mysteriously disappeared.” Hark! listen! (reads.) “All friends of the supposed-to-be-drowned Sylvester Spanker, especially his widow, are hereby notified that he has returned to his ship, the Venetian Red, and will sail this day for Valparaiso.” Ha, ha! ho, ho! ”

“ Persis. Boliver—
Bobstay. O, I shall boil over if you are not silent (sits at table R., takes up paper; reads. Miss Persis moves about him, trying to get sight of his face; he keeps the paper before him) .
Charles. Now, Mrs. Cleverly, having cleared myself to your satisfaction, I hope— (sees Dolby) Hallo! Dolby, what are you doing there?
Dolby. Fact is, Charley, I’ve shot something!
(Carlos sticks his head into window.)
Carlos. Yes, darn you, you shot a calf! But Buffalo Bill, our black bull, tossed you over the fence in no time. Ho, ho, ho! You’re a sportsman, you are! ”

“ Bobstay (comes down R.) . All right, my hearty. When a messmate’s going down in the briny—for the last time, mind—what do we do? Why, we extends a helping hand, and grabs him by the hair of the head, don’t we? ”

“ Dolby. Not exactly. Pegoty is willing, but Barkis is not; for, Charley, I am in love with a phantom.
Charles. Then you’d better give up the ghost, and make Persis happy.
Dolby. No; I can never love but one, “Rosa Bean.” Isn’t that a pretty name? I’ll show you her face (hunts pockets) . Confound it, I’ve left her photograph under my pillow!
Persis. O, the wretch! I’ll never forgive him—never— (disappears into room L.) .
(Enter Nelly, R. with glass pitcher of milk and goblet.)
Nelly. Here’s the milk, Mr. Dolby.
Dolby. O, thank you (she fills goblet, standing behind table. Dolby drinks) . ”

“ Nelly (throwing brush on lounge) . That will do for to-day. It’s time Carlos were back from the post-office. I am anxious to obtain a letter from my invisible adorer, Dixon Dolby. How my good brother would open his eyes if he knew the extent of my wickedness. Three months ago, six of us girls at school, desirous of acquiring proficiency in correspondence, agreed to write to gentlemen whom we had never met, but whom we knew by reputation to be gentlemen. My choice was my brother’s chum before his marriage, Dixon Dolby. My plan succeeded admirably. He answered the note signed, Rosa Bean. ”

“ Well, don’t get sentimental over them, Careless. They’re not worth weeping over; no, Careless. I’ve set myself up for an independent farmer, and there’s no clause regarding hoeing in my declaration of independence. You shall have a holiday: you needn’t work to-day. You’re not very fond of it at any time; but this day we have a visitor.
Nelly. ”

“ C. Poor fellow! how his corns must ache! and his back. Ha, ha, ha! He works so hard to make a pleasure of what he does not enjoy. Nell, tell him, if he comes in, I’ve run over to Mrs. Young’s to borrow her pat. ”