J. C. Snaith

“ At this Miss Grace looked keenly about her on every side. “It’s all serene, Father,” said she. “There’s none o’ the maids about. Don’t think they can possibly hear us.”
“Laura,” said the old gentleman, hiding the most significant part of his face in a tea-cup, “I want you to confine yourself in your spare time to learning to play with a perfectly straight bat. The way in which you pull everything blindly to leg is a reproach, a disgrace to the family. You boys ought to be really ashamed of it, and it grieves me to think that Laura’s self-respect allows her to do it. ”

“ The fielding was excellent. Miss Grace’s eye was on it, and all of us, whether we felt inclined that way or not, performed prodigies of valour. And if the handsomest girl in the county brings off a bewilderingly brilliant “caught and bowled” before one’s eyes, stops the hottest cracks one hand, and fields and returns smashing hits all in one action, any man, with the least pretensions to be a player, is certain to be a bit above himself. Therefore do not be surprised that my fielding in all positions was very good indeed, and won encomiums from men who were accustomed to the best. ”

“ And it was quite a coincidence that the Ancient and myself should choose a spot as near the wicket as the unwritten laws allowed, for the purpose of having a little practice.
The ground-man was lingering over the last touches to his masterpiece when the young person in brown holland actually set foot on the sacred earth that the general public is not even permitted to approach. The face of the ground-man was well worth looking at. When the feelings of a great artist are outraged it is a very painful sight. Alas, poor Wiggles! the agony of his countenance no pen could depict. ”

“ Through my ignorance of the ground I had the misfortune to be run out for a duck. Toddles, who succeeded, shaped beautifully, his wrist work and knife-like cutting being a theme for general admiration. After contributing three singles and a two, however, he lost his wicket in a somewhat humiliating way. Grace, fielding mid-off, had by no means forgiven him for his wonderful catch, and was evidently, to judge by her concentrated look, biding her time. Presently, the little parson smashed one right at her all along the carpet at a great pace. ”

“ True cricketers are the soul of kindness.
Carefully noting at which end the wicket-keeper was, I just as carefully went to the one at which he was not. The mighty H. C. Trentham was loosening his arm, and sending down a few preliminaries. I watched him as keenly as the black mists before my eyes allowed. He brought his long brown arm right over with a beautiful, easy, automatic swing. The ball slipped from his fingers at an ordinary pace, but as soon as it took the ground it spun off the pitch with an inward twist at three times the rate one would expect. ”

“ Therefore do not let the young think, as unhappily they do just now, that they must write a book to become immortal. Why will not a few thousands of these seekers after fame, these budding novelists and early poets, take to cricket? For is it not more honourable, and certainly more glorious, to make a century at Little Clumpton v. Hickory, and make half a shire shout your praise, than to translate Omar Kháyyám and become a nuisance to posterity? ”

“ It was wonderful how merry the room had suddenly become: the buzz of tongues, the whistling of the music of the music hall, the Humourist working at his pun, the General Nuisance veiling his satisfaction in gin and ginger beer, all testified that cricket was a noble sport, and that life was really excellent.
“I say, you men,” said the Captain, “remember that our game’s to keep in. No risks, mind; no hurry for runs, you know. We haven’t got a bit of bowling, and somebody’s told ’em so.” ”

“ What are the sins of their fathers that some men should be born bowlers?”
“Evolution teaches us,” said the little parson with resonant solemnity, “that when a man’s forbears have been for generations in the habit of fielding really bad, dropping catches, slow pick-up, stopping ’em with their boot, wild returns, fumbling, failing to back up, real downright infernal blood-coloured idleness, and so forth—that poor bloke is likely to be born a bowler. ”

“ The poor bowler had got about as much as he could bear. I think I never saw a grown man look more completely overborne. He began doggedly to munch another sandwich, and nearly choked himself by trying to whistle a jaunty music hall ditty expressive of heart-easing mirth with his mouth full. When he spoke, his voice was so subdued and melancholious that, as Miss Grace said, it reminded her of Toddles reading the marriage service.
“She’ll do it,” he said. “Rather a good joke for me, eh? He’s sure to show it to McGregor and O’Brien and that lot. They’ll simply die. ”

“ It was one of the liveliest cricket lunches at which I ever assisted; and I think the heartiest. Miss Grace’s sandwiches had certainly been designed for very punishing batsmen and terrific fast bowlers. Two great slices of bread with a succulent chunk of beef between went to the making of them. He who ate one had partaken of no inconsiderable meal; he who ate two must have had an appetite of which any man ought to have been proud. ”

“ I’ve been looking at Brightside, and I’m certain that he meditates making a silly ass of himself.”
“Do you, Brightside?” I cried, with deep feeling.
“Oh, damn,” said the Optimist coarsely. But his complexion was becoming a fine tawny.
“He’s going through with it to-night though, if it kills him,” said the wicked little parson.
“More likely to kill her,” said Carteret.
[214] “Matter of opinion,” said the little parson: “but one can’t help respecting Brightside. No earthly and all that, he knows, but I’m certain that he’s going to cause Grace to become a sister to him.” ”

“ One can’t say exactly what’s in one’s mind to a man who’s just made a score like that. Say you’re sorry, Toddles, and I’ll forgive you.”
“Oh, Grace! how magnanimous you are!” cried the little parson, in throbbing accents. “I can assure you that time only will assuage my sorrow!”
“If time don’t, stone-ginger will, and that’s a cert.,” said the irreverent Charlie. “Try one, old man”; and the best bowler in England poured out a Caley for the erring one.
The little parson tossed it off, and fell upon a massive sandwich with a vigour that was in disproportion to his inches. ”

“ I believe that it is no injustice to the Optimist to state that he was trying to prolong my pain.
“Was it very clever of me?” said Grace. “Do you know it makes me laugh awfully to see the way you men try to dodge and hedge and that sort o’ thing. You’re that horribly clumsy. There was old Dimmy’s face saying as plain as print, ‘Don’t look, please, till I’ve put it away, will you?’ But let’s have that ball, old chap, and I’ll see if I can’t lick you into shape a bit. I do mean to do the right thing by you, you know.” ”

“ How I could see the ball, and how absurdly simple did the bowling look! It always does when you’ve been in and got out for a few. If you’ve been in and made a score, it is usual to advise your successors to play a watchful game, as [83] the bowling is by no means so easy as it seems. Why didn’t the Ancient cut that ball for four, instead of pecking at it? Why didn’t the Captain jump into those ridiculous donkey-drops and hit ’em to the moon, instead of playing back and contenting himself with singles? It was this pottering, afternoon-tea kind of cricket that was ruining the game. ”

“ Grace went in first for Gloucestershire, of course.
“One leg, Biffin, if you please,” said she, bending her brown face over her bat handle. “Toddles, will you have the goodness to come from behind the bowler’s arm? Oh, and Biffin, you must not forget that according to Rule Nine anything above medium is a no-ball. Fast bowling’s dangerous here, you know, tempts one to hit so hard. Do you hear that, Charlie?—nothing above medium.” ”

“ He knows the game, his eyesight’s good, his decisions are as prompt as possible, and his judgment’s wonderful. Can’t expect more of an umpire, can you? Of course, he might be better looking, but that’s his misfortune, poor man! Besides, I never think it’s wise to have an umpire who’s too good-looking. One’s liable to watch him, instead of the ball, don’t you see.”
“Dimsdale, don’t you be bluffed,” said Charlie. “She’s a regular Arthur Roberts at the game of bluff. She knows as well as anybody that Biffin’s umpiring is worth about five hundred runs a year to her. ”

“ She was so tall and trim and strong, there was such a decision in her curves that her brown holland with white cuffs and collar, her Zingari tie, [39] and hat-band of the same red and yellow brilliance round a straw, with heavy coils of hair of a proper country fawn-colour beneath, lent her that look of candid capability that nature generally reserves for cricketers of the highest order. I never gave the cracks from Hickory a second thought. ”

“ Verily cricket is a cheerful pastime! The perfect wicket, the glorious day, the appreciative crowd, the chance of fame, and then l.b.w. 7.
“Of course, the ball did a lot,” said the Pessimist. “’Wouldn’t have hit the wicket by a mile. Your leg couldn’t possibly have been in front, and, of course in your humble opinion the blithering umpire is either drunk or delirious.”
“Grimston,” said the Humourist, “you appear to suffer from a deficient sympathy. It is very unkind of you to make remarks of this sort, when you can see that the poor fellow is in pain. It is not humour and it is not humanity.” ”

“ How far back in antiquity the Ancient had first enjoyed his being, history never could determine. In the Little Clumpton v. Hickory of twenty years ago, when the Ancient made 64 not out, and pulled the match out of the fire, tradition said that he looked even older than he looked to-day; and his manner was so perennially youthful, too, that it was not until he took his cap off, that one would have guessed he was a patriarch. Men might come and men might go, but he went on for ever.
“Hundred and ten up,” called Miss Grace.
“How many’s Oldknow got?” the Optimist inquired. ”

“ It is never exactly kind, however, to wish luck to the keenly sensitive, as it leads them to think that they’ll certainly need luck, and plenty of it, if they’re going to stay long. From the Artistic Standpoint (capital letters, please, Mr. Printer!) , it is a thousand pities that I cannot say that when I stepped from the pavilion on this great occasion to open the innings with my Captain, a man whose name had penetrated to the remotest corners of the cricket world, I held my head up with an air of conscious power. ”

“ We all know that. You’re far too good a sportsman—I mean sportswoman.”
“Stick to the man,” said Grace. “Sounds so much primer, somehow.”
“What’s Toddles up to now?” said Charlie suspiciously. “Whenever he talks to Grace in that kind of way there’s something behind it. Does he want to smoke in the drawing-room, or is it breakfast in bed? Grace, distrust that man. Last time he was allowed to put sugar in his tea with his fingers, instead of the tongs.”
“I like that,” said Grace. “Why, that’s what you all do, you horrible creatures! Even Dimmy does.”
“‘Even Dimmy does!’” repeated Archie. ”

“ Judging by the one over of his that I had had the privilege of witnessing, he appeared to combine the pace of a Kortright with the wiles of a Spofforth. Taking him altogether, he did not seem to be the nicest bowler in the world for a man of small experience and ordinary ability to oppose. But I remembered vaguely that the wicket was perfection, and that a straight bat would take a lot of beating. Besides, the black mists had lifted somewhat from my eyes, and the beastly funk had considerably decreased, as it often does when one is actually at work. ”

“ Elphinstone, who was engaged in shinning the Optimist on the off-chance that the Optimist’s mind might be invaded by some much-needed solemnity, “Toddles, your behaviour is positively low. But Charlie, now, don’t you think, as Stoddy must have overlooked you, it would be doing the right thing by him to write and tell him so before it is too late? No good for him to know it, would it, when Sid Gregory and Clem Hill and that lot are knocking the cover off the ball as they did before?” ”

“ I had merely to press my heel once into that billiard-table to nip some of their prospective centuries in the bud. And who shall say whether human frailty had prevailed against the wiles of evil had it not remembered that Hickory were not obliged to go in first.
I went home to breakfast trying to restrain my excess of “fitness.” For cricket is cussedness incarnate. You rise in the morning like a giant refreshed: your blood is jumping, the ball looks as big as a balloon, and you have a go at one you [24] ought to let alone, and spoon it up to cover. ”