John Kendrick Bangs

“ I've heard lots of poetry in my life, but it goes in one ear and out of the other."
"You must have a queer head," said the Poker, peering into Tom's ear. "How a poem poured into one ear can go out of the other I can't understand. There doesn't seem to be any opening there."
"In one ear and out of the other."
"His head isn't solid like ours," said Lefty. "It's too bad to be afflicted the way he is. He ought to do the way a boy I knew once did. He suffered just as Dormy does. ”

“ Tom's three companions roared with laughter.
"Absurd!" cried Righty. "The idea. The long jump the only thing left! Ha, ha, ha!"
"Perfect nonsense," laughed Lefty. "I never thought Dozy Pate could be so dull."
"Well, he isn't anything like as dull as I can be when I try," said the Poker. "He's pretty dull, though."
"I don't see where the joke comes in," snapped Tom, who did not at all like the way the Andirons and the Poker were behaving. "If there are only three things we can do and you won't do two of them there's only one left." ”

“ I'd blow it there myself, for I am a far better blower than the Bellows is—my, how I can blow! But I'm out of breath trying to push the cloud."
"I'll run back and get the Bellows," said Lefty.
"And I'll go with you," said Righty. "He may not come for one, but I'm sure he will for two."
"All right," said the Poker. "Dormy and I will wait here for you; and I'll tell him a story while you're gone. How will that suit you Dormy?"
"First rate," said Tom. "I like stories."
"We'll be back soon," said the Righthandiron, as he and the other started back after the Bellows. "So make your story short." ”

“ I'm not really so. I only will not admit that there is anything or anybody in the world who is more favored than I am. That is all. If I didn't do that I might sometime grow a little envious in spite of myself. As it is I never do and haven't had an unhappy hour since I became a contented Poker."
Tom was silent for a few minutes after the Poker had completed his story, and then he said:
"Don't you sometimes feel unhappy because you are not the boy you used to be?"
"No," said the Poker. "I am not because Rollo makes a better boy than I was. He is a contented boy and I was not." ”

“ For my part I love the Lobster shop. I can get something to eat anywhere. I can get a stake at any lumber yard in town. I can get a chop at any ax factory in the country, and if I want sweets I can find a Cakery—"
"Bakery, you mean?" said Tom.
"No, I don't at all," said the Bellows. "I mean Cakery. A Cakery is a place where they sell cake, and when I say Cakery I mean what I say. Just because you call it Bakery doesn't prove anything."
"We're out for pleasure, not for argument," growled the Lefthandiron. ”

“ Not a goat. Have you paid your fare?"
"Of course I haven't," returned the Conductor, "because—"
"That's it!" returned the Hippopotamus. "That's the whole point. He's the one that's shy, and because we won't consent to pay his fare out of our own pockets he's going to hold us up. I move we squash him."
"But I say," roared the Conductor.
"Oh, pay your fare and shut up," growled the Polar Bear, "You began the row. What's the use?"
"Hear 'em quoting my poem," whispered the Poker to Tom.
"I've taken his number," said the Flamingo. "It's eight billion and seven. He's trying to beat his way." ”

“ CHAPTER X. Home Again
"And now," said the Lefthandiron as the Flamingo flew off and left them to themselves, "it strikes me that it is time we set about having some supper. I'm getting hungry, what with the excitement of that ride, and the fact I haven't eaten anything but a bowlful of kindling wood since yesterday morning."
"I'm with you there," said Tom. "I've been hungry ever since we started and that snow on the moon whetted my appetite."
"Never knew a boy who wasn't hungry on all occasions," puffed the Bellows. "Fact is, a boy wouldn't be a real boy unless he was hungry. ”

“ The Poker stood erect and stiff, looking grimly ahead of him, as if resolved to meet his fate bravely; the Bellows threw himself flat upon the glacier and panted; while the two Andirons, standing guard on either side of Tom, peered anxiously [Pg 100] about for the rescuer of their little guest, nor did they look in vain, for in a few moments the huge figure of a St Bernard appeared below them, rushing with all his might and main to their side. For some reason or other, the St Bernard seemed to have something familiar about him, but Tom couldn't quite say what it was. ”

“ CHAPTER IV. The Poker Tells His Story
"I suppose," said the Poker, after the Andirons had passed out of hearing distance, "I suppose you think it a very extraordinary thing that I, who am nothing but a Poker, should be satisfied with my lot. Eh?"
"Oh, I don't know," said Tom, snuggling down on the cloud which he found to be deliciously soft and comfortable. "If you were a Poker who could only poke it might seem queer. But you can talk and sing and travel about. You don't have to do any work in summer time, and in winter you have a nice warm spot to stay in all the day long. ”

“ I'm hungrier in my mind than in my stomach, and I'd rather be fed just now on the jests of an oyster, the good stories of a clam and the anecdotes of a Lobster, than have the freedom of the richest marshmallow mine in creation."
"Well, I'm sure I don't know what to do," said Tom, very much perplexed. The Candydike was glorious, but the Lobster shop, too, had its attractions, for Tom was fond of witty jokes and good anecdotes. The idea of having them from the lips of lobsters and oysters was very appealing. ”

“ Tom was lying on the rug, as usual, and I am afraid was almost asleep. The logs were burning fiercely and at first Tom thought that the words he heard spoken were nothing but their crackling and hissing, but in a minute he changed his mind about that for the very good reason that the "Lefthandiron"—as Tom's uncle once called it—winked his eye at Tom and said:
"Hullo, Sleepyhead."
Tom only returned the wink. He was too much surprised to say anything.
"His name isn't Sleepyhead," said the Righthandiron, with a grin. "It's Thomas D. Pate." ”

“ No sir. Here I sit, firm as a rock. You might as well ask an elephant to dance a jig."
"We'll put you off if you don't get off of your own accord," roared the Polar Bear, bracing up, and removing the icicle from his nose he shook it angrily at the Hippopotamus.
"All right," said the Hippopotamus with a pleasant smile "All right. Has any gentleman brought a derrick along with him to assist in the operation? You don't happen to have a freight elevator in your pocket, do you, Mr. Kangaroo?"
"Pry him off, Poker," cried the Kangaroo. ”

“ What are the two things we can do?"
"Well," said the Lefthandiron, scratching his head softly, "we can fly up a little higher and sit down and watch the world go round; we can take the long jump, or we can visit Saturn."
"What was the first?" asked Tom.
"To fly up a little higher, where we can get a better view; to [Pg 26] sit down there and watch the world go round. It is an excellent way to travel. It's awfully easy—in fact, it isn't you that travels at all. It's the world that does the traveling, while all you've got to do is to sit down there and keep an eye on it. ”

“ And he was as good as his word, for, expanding himself to the utmost limit, he gave a tremendous wheeze, which nearly blew Tom from his perch, sent his cap flying off into space and smashed the cloud into four separate pieces, one of which, bearing the Poker, floated rapidly off to the north, while the other three sped south, east and west, respectively.
"HE GAVE A TREMENDOUS WHEEZE."
"Hi, there," cried Righty, as he perceived the damage done to their fleecy chariot. "What are you up to? We don't want to be blown to the four corners of the earth. ”

“ I'm a bellows, not a boy. I don't give dinners and I don't eat pie and cake. Plain air is good enough for me, and I wouldn't give a cent for all the other good eatables in the world except doughnuts. I like doughnuts because, after all, they are only bellows cakes. But come, let's hurry up with the cloud. I want to get back to my desk. I have a poem to finish before breakfast."
This statement interested Tom hugely. He had read many a book, but never before had he met a real author, and even if the Bellows had been a man, so long as he was a writer, Tom would have looked upon him with awe. ”

“ The worst that can happen to him is to have the wind knocked out of him. But—"
"It's Tom we're bothered about," said the Righthandiron, with an anxious glance at Lefty. "You see, we invited him to come off here with us, and—"
"Who is he, anyhow?" demanded the Flamingo, glancing at Tom in such a way that the youngster began to feel very uncomfortable.
"I'm a Dormouse," said Tom, remembering the agreement.
"Not for this occasion," put in the Poker. "This time you're a boy, and we've got to save you somehow or other and we'll do it, Tom, so don't be afraid." ”

“ Didn't you, Kangy?"
"Only once," said the Kangaroo, "and that was the second time."
"Let's get away from this crowd," said the Bellows. "They're not honest."
"Right you are," said the Polar Bear. "They're a very bad lot. Come along; let's get aboard this toboggan, and leave 'em behind."
Whereupon Tom and his companions, accompanied by the Polar Bear, stepped aboard the waiting Oscycle, and were soon speeding down the upper incline of the Crescent Moon. ”

“ I could get all the corks I wanted, but no boy, and so I had to give it up," replied Lefty, with a sigh. "I'd have been a rich Andiron today if I could have had that idea patented. I shouldn't [Pg 36] be surprised if I'd have had enough to have Righty and the Poker and myself goldplated."
"Oh, well, I wouldn't feel bad about that," said the Poker. "What's the use? You're bright as any gold that ever shined and you are quite as useful. Gold may be worth more than you are, but what of it? The people who bought you are willing to change their gold for you, so that really puts you ahead. ”

“ They were a dishonest lot."
"So am I," came a voice from behind him, that made the Bear jump nervously, for it was none other than the Flamingo.
"So are the rest of us," added a lot of voices in chorus, and Tom, turning to see who beside himself and his companions had got aboard, was hugely amused to see the Kangaroo, the Monkey, the Hippopotamus and all the other creatures from the Trolley, save only the conductor and motorman, seated there behind, as happy as you please.
"It doesn't pay to associate with conductors," said the Flamingo. ”

“ The Polar Bear opened his eyes and leaning forward glared at the Flamingo. [Pg 73]
"You don't seem to be over-anxious about yourself," he growled. "Why don't you give up your seat to the imaginary lady?"
"Because, Mr. Bear," the Flamingo returned, "it would not be polite. The seat I occupy is extremely uncomfortable, thanks to the crowding of the Hippopotamus on my left and the indulgence in peanuts of the Monkey on my right. By sitting down where I am, I am making a personal sacrifice."
"There'll be a free fight in a minute," said the Poker, anxiously. "I think we'd better get out." ”

“ It is better that there should be twenty-one lawsuits for a total damage of $1.25 than that this company should lose a nickel. Juries disagree. Fares, please."
"I decline to pay a second time," cried the Monkey.
"And I—and I," came from all parts of the car; from Lefty and Righty, from Tom, the Flamingo, the Hippopotamus and Polar Bear.
"Very well," said the Conductor, calmly. "I don't care. It isn't my money that's lost, but I'll tell you one thing, this car doesn't stop until you've all paid up!"
"What!" cried the Polar Bear. "I want to get off at the Toboggan slide." ”

“ Many's the time when I've heard of men and women devouring their favorite authors. Tom couldn't better show his liking for the lobster than by eating him. On the other hand, if he goes there and turns his back on the Candydike he'll miss the most wonderful sight in all creation, and that is the Nesselrode Cataract on the Soda Water river. It is located at the point where the Vanilla glacier comes down from the Cream mountains on the one side, and the famous Marrons orchards line the other bank for a distance of seven miles. ”

“ It's all very beautiful to think about, but being an eagle is entirely different from what thinking about it is. I was that eagle for one whole month, and the life of a Scotch terrier is bliss alongside of it. ”

“ What's the use of Delawares that haven't any peaches?
What's the use—"
"O, shut up Wheezy," interrupted the Poker angrily. "Of course you can go on like that forever, once somebody gives you the idea, but to have the idea in the beginning was the big thing. Columbus was a great man for coming to America, but every foreigner who has come over since isn't, not by a long shot. As I say in my celebrated rhyme on "Greatness":
The greatest man in all the world, by far the greatest one,
Is he who goes ahead and does what no one else has done. ”