“ Midway came a fearsome crash of crockery, the sound reverberating above the roar of the wind, and the thud of the water falling by tons on the deck, making the ship quiver like a spurred horse.
[Pg 84]
"I begin to understand now," said Sark, "how the walls of Jericho fell."
Much trouble with the Generalissimo. When he came aboard at Marseilles he suffused the ship with pleasing sense of the military supremacy of Great Britain. Has seen more than seventy summers, but still walks with sprightly step and head erect. ”

“ The rule of the river's a mystery quite, Other craft when you're steering among, If you starboard your helm, you ain't sure you are right, If you port, you may prove to be wrong.
[Pg 68]
"THE USUAL CHANNEL"
To what snug refuge do I fly
When glass is low, and billows high,
And goodness knows what fate is nigh?—
My Cabin!
Who soothes me when in sickness' grip,
Brings a consolatory "nip,"
And earns my blessing, and his tip?—
The Steward!
When persons blessed with fancy rich
Declare "she" does not roll, or pitch. ”

“ Be good, and mild and long-suffering. Rest satisfied with indifferently cooked food, damp sheets, and wearisome companions. And make the best of storms of rain and hurricanes of wind. In fact, bear everything, and grin when you can't laugh.
Another and a better way.—Put up at a comfortable riparian hotel, and when the weather is against you, run up to town and give a wide berth to the Thames and its miseries. ”

“ The harbour-master's boat is on the alert these mornings. The men-of-war send their boats to tow; the dandiest lieutenant goes in the barge; the senior captain offers his services. When such a yacht as that goes into the Golden Horn, the Sultan is shown to these yachters—like any curiosity in his capital—like any odd thing in his town! They are presented to him, as it is called, that he may be looked at.
"To this magnificent class I have not much to say. They don't snub their skipper—they are far too fine to do that. ”

“ George (intent on his own feelings) . "Don't ask me to, darling, I couldn't touch it!"
[Pg 150]
A REGATTA RHYME
On Board the "Athena," Henley-on-Thames
I like, it is true, in a basswood canoe
To lounge, with a weed incandescent:
To paddle about, there is not a doubt,
I find it uncommonly pleasant!
I love the fresh air, the lunch here and there,
To see pretty toilettes and faces;
But one thing I hate—allow me to state—
The fuss they make over the Races!
I don't care a rap for the Races!—
Mid all the Regatta embraces—
I'm that sort of chap, I don't care a rap,
A rap or a snap for the Races! ”

“ ON VIEW AT HENLEY
The most characteristic work of that important official, the clerk of the weather.
The young lady who has never been before, and wants to know the names of the eights who compete for the Diamond Sculls.
The enthusiastic boating man, who, however, prefers luncheon when the hour arrives, to watching the most exciting race imaginable.
The itinerant vendors of "coolers" and other delightful comestibles.
The troupes of niggers selected and not quite select.
The houseboat with decorations in odious taste, and company to match. ”

“ Best thing to do is to find our cabin, stow away our baggage, and walk on the quay, always keeping our eye on the boat lest she should suddenly slip her moorings and get off to sea without us. Look out for steward. Like the Spanish fleet, steward is not yet in sight. Roaming about below, come upon an elderly lady, with a lame leg, an alarming squint, and a waist [Pg 76] like a ship's. (Never saw a ship's waist, but fancy no mortal man could get his arm round it.) The elderly lady, who displayed signs of asthma, tells me she is the stewardess. Ask her where is our cabin. ”

“ England floats in a lump through the sea, like Delos used to do. As they say and do just the same as they have always said and done at home—see and mix with the same kind of people—I often wonder what they learn by it. ”

“ I have known very worthy men spend in trying to get into great society in London, sums which, judiciously invested in a yacht, would have taken them to dozens of great people's houses abroad. You will get asked to dinner; you will be feasted well, generally. Anything in the way of excitement—particularly good, rich, hospitable excitement—is heartily welcome in our colonial settlements and stations.
"But I am not now speaking only to those who yacht, because to have a yacht is a fine thing. ”

“ HINTS FOR HENLEY
(At the Service of Visitors wishing to be comfortable)
Take care to be invited to the best situated houseboat.
If you can, get permission to ask a few friends to join your host's party at luncheon.
Be sure to secure the pleasantest seat, the most amusing neighbour, and all the periodicals.
If you are conversationally inclined, monopolise the talk, and if you are not, plead a headache for keeping every one silent.
Mind that "No. 1" is your particular numerical distinction, and that the happiness of the rest of the world is a negligible quantity. ”

“ Acclimatise yourself to mists and fogs and rainy days, and grow accustomed to reading papers four days old and the advertisements of out-of-date railway guides.
Try to love the pleasures of a regatta. Do not quarrel with the riparian owners or the possessors of other houseboats. Enjoy the pleasantries of masked musicians, and take an intelligent interest in the racing. Illuminate freely, and do your best to avoid a fire or an explosion. And if you have fireworks, don't sort them out with the light of a [Pg 41] blazing squib or some illuminant of a similar character. ”

“ It will be the effort of Punch's Naval Songster to do for the Thames what Dibdin did for the Sea, and to inspire with courage those honest-hearted fellows who man the steamers on the river. If we can infuse a little spirit into them—which, by the bye, they greatly want—our aim will be fully answered. ”

“ Lanterns, music, and fireworks are extremely pretty things, but night air on the river is sometimes an introduction to sciatica, rheumatism, and chills.
In the selection of a costume, a lady should remember that it is good to be "smart," but better still to be well.
Finally, it is desirable to bear in mind that, pleasant as riparian life may be, Henley is, after all, a regatta, and that consequently some sort of attention should be paid to the racing. ”

“ A lovely day in Marseilles; not a breath of wind stirred the blue water that laved the white [Pg 82] cliffs on which Château d'If stands. Shall have a lovely passage. Make ourselves comfortable on deck with cushions and books. Scarcely outside the harbour when a wind sprang up from S.E. dead ahead of us. The sea rose with amazing rapidity; banks of leaden-hued clouds obscured the sun-light; then the rain swished down; saloon deck cleared; passengers congregated under shelter in the saloon ”

“ HINTS FOR HENLEY
Flannels in moderation are pardonable, but they are slightly out of place if you can't row and it rains.
The cuisine of a houseboat is not always limitless, so "chance" visitors are sometimes more numerous than welcome.
The humours of burnt-cork minstrelsy must be tolerated during an aquatic carnival, but it is as well to give street singers as wide a berth as possible. ”

“ Remember always, that you are the owner—high-spirited gentlemen do. Surely a man may sail his own yacht, if anybody may! It is as much his property as his horse is. To be sure, when the weather is very bad, I would let the fellow take charge then. There is a very odd difference between the Bay of Biscay and the water inside the Isle of Wight, when it blows. And a skipper too much snubbed gets rusty at awkward times.
[Pg 120]
"Your conduct in harbour will be regulated by circumstances—which means, dinners. Generally speaking, the fact of having a yacht will carry you everywhere. ”

“ If you are a man, keep smoking cigars and sipping refreshing beverages until it is time to eat and drink seriously; if you are of the other sex, flirt, chatter, or sleep, as the impulse moves you.
And when you are quite, quite sure that you have nothing better to do, give a glance to the racing! ”

“ Saturday.—The day of the race! Everybody in great spirits, and looking their best. Even Henrietta was nice. Our picture-hats were perfectly beautiful. Fanny came out with additional feathers, which wasn't quite fair. But she said, as she was "stroke" she ought to be different from the rest. And as it was too late to have the hat altered we submitted. We started, and got on beautifully. I saw lots of people I knew on the towing-path, and waved to them. And just because I dropped hold of my oar as we got within ten yards of the winning-post they all said it was my fault we lost! ”

“ All right — here we are — quite the waterman — jolly — young — white flannels — straw hat — canvas shoes — umbrella — mackintosh — provide against a rainy day! Finest reach for rowing in England — best regatta in the Eastern Hemisphere — finest pic-nic in the world! ”

“ MORE HINTS FOR HENLEY
(For the use of Visitors, Male and Female)
Take an umbrella to keep off the rain—unopened.
Beware of encouraging burnt-cork minstrels, or incurring their resentment.
Remember, it is not every houseboat that is sufficiently hospitable to afford lunch.
After all, a travel down from town in the train is better than the discomforts of dawn on the river in a houseboat.
Six hours of enforced company is a strong order for the best of friends, sometimes leading to incipient enmity. ”

“ Thermopylæ or Marathon, it is with a lot of tents, donkeys, camp-stools, travelling-cases, guides, and servants—such as Xerxes might have had. They encumber the ruins of temples with the multitude of their baggage. The position seems so unnatural, that I can't fancy their getting any moral or intellectual profit from it. They are too well off for that—like a fellow who cannot see for fat. ”

“ Red Lion crammed from cellar to garret — not a bed to be had in the town — comfortable trees all booked a fortnight in advance — well-aired meadows at a premium! Lion Gardens crammed with gay toilettes — Grand Stand like a flower-show [Pg 154] — band inspiriting — church-bells distracting — sober grey old bridge crammed with carriages — towing-path blocked up with spectators — meadows alive with pic-nic parties! Flags flying everywhere — music — singers — niggers — conjurers — fortune-tellers! ”

“ Afloat or ashore, Mr. Punch is never "at sea," and while his jokes have always their point, that point is never barbed, as these pages illustrative of the humours of boating and sailing—with Mr. Punch at the helm—may be left safely to bear witness.
[Pg 7]
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT 'ARRY ON THE RIVER
Dear Charlie,
'Ot weather at last! Wot a bloomin' old slusher it's bin,
This season! But now it do look as though Summer was goin' to begin.
Up to now it's bin muck and no error, fit only for fishes and frogs,
And has not give a chap arf a chance like of sporting 'is 'oliday togs. ”

“ Here we had about four hours in which to watch the natives (one of them a one-armed boy) diving for our spare coppers, to breakfast on shore, to do the sights of Funchal, to buy deck-chairs, if not whole drawing-room suites, of wickerwork, to visit Santa Clara and the other suburban resorts, and, most necessary of all, to ascend by the new mountain railway to the church of Nossa Senhora de Monte, and then to descend two thousand feet by carro, or toboggan over the cobble-stone [Pg 178] pathway. It was a lot to do, but we did it on our heads—especially the last-named athletic performance. ”

“ A canoe for two is a pleasant distraction if the man is equal to keeping from an upset in the water.
Flirting is a not unpleasant accompaniment to an alfresco lunch with well-iced liquids.
If you really wish to make a favourable impression upon everyone, be cheery, contented, good-natured, and, above all, slightly interested in the racing.
[Pg 189]
Enthusiastic Skipper. ”

“ The "very best view of the river" from a dozen points of the compass.
Neglected maidens, bored matrons, and odd men out.
Quite the prettiest toilettes in the world.
The Thames Conservancy in many branches.
Launches: steam, electric, accommodating and the reverse.
Men in flannels who don't boat, and men in tweeds who do.
A vast multitude residential, and a vaster come per rail from town.
Three glorious days of excellent racing, at once national and unique. ”

“ Wearing a chignon is preposterous enough, but when a man is told that he must wear a ship, he would next expect to hear that he must eat the Monument.
Boxing the Compass.—Assume a fighting attitude, [Pg 44] and hit the compass a "smart stinger on the dial-plate," as the sporting papers call it. But before you do so, you had best take care to have your boxing-gloves on, or you may hurt your fingers.
Whistling for a Wind.—When you whistle for a wind, you should choose an air appropriate, such as "Blow, gentle gales," or "Winds, gently whisper." ”

“ Watch a man below in the hold trying to fit in a bicycle with a [Pg 78] four-hundredweight bale, a quarter-ton case, and a barrel of cement. Evidently piqued at resistance offered by the apparently frail, defenceless contrivance. Tries to bend the fore wheel so as to accommodate the cask; that failing, endeavours to wind the hind wheel round the case; failing in both efforts, he just lays the bicycle loose on the top of the miscellaneous baggage and the hatch is battened down. ”