“ Hail, as aforesaid, coming Spring!
Life, we are told, is a trial, but the worst of it is there is no Court of Appeal we can go to in the event of our not being satisfied with the result of it. For myself, I should like uncommonly to move for a new trial.
Briefless Barrister.
Wit at a Disadvantage.—“Well, Jackson, you are always here for being drunk, so I shall fine you five shillings.”
“Not got a penny, your worshup.”
“Not a penny, sir!” ”

“ A solicitor who does not strive to appear coram populo on terms of quite unnecessarily familiar intercourse with his leading counsel.
An articled clerk who does not dress beyond his thirty shillings a-week, and think that the whole court is lost in speculation as to the identity of that distinguished-looking young man.
An associate who does not go into ecstasies of merriment over every joke or obiter dictum from the Bench. ”

“ Anybody who does not give loud expression to the opinion, at the nearest bar when the court rises, that he could have managed the case for either or both sides infinitely better than the counsel engaged. ”

“ I confess I am no saint, and if I have murdered, why in the name of my innocent babe I beg of you to stretch out your hands to me and save me from the scaffold. I wish to return to the world to watch by the side of a cradle! ”

“ Many a muddle makes a muckle for the lawyers.
No suit lasts longer than a suit in Chancery.
A conveyancer is never afraid of drafts.
A brief in the hand is worth two in a solicitor’s office.
’Tis better to have fought and lost than to have had no case at all.
Little plaintiffs have large fears.
The good solicitor is known by his good deeds.
Two heads, a leader and a junior, are better than one.
Law for Ladies.—Why ought every lady nowadays to learn the legal doctrine concerning “wrong to the person”?
Ans. They ought to learn it because it’s tort. (Ask any barrister!) ”

“ To defend, in the best and most costly manner, all persons who, being assured in the projected society, shall be afflicted by prosecutions.
To supply, with the aid of practised writers, sensation articles to such newspapers as can be induced to accept them, such articles being framed in favour of convicted persons, and designed to produce a popular impression in their favour, by attacking the witnesses against them, vilifying hostile counsel, and ridiculing jurymen. ”

“ To the objection of the prejudiced, that such a system is unconstitutional, and tends to the subversion of the rules by which society is now protected, the promoters would reply, that the march of intellect, the spirit of the age, and the principles of progress, render such a cavil futile in the extremest degree. ”

“ James’s Gazette, dealing with the subject of the Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision of the code, which he strongly advocates, “women should be placed on the same footing with men.” Such a pestilent heresy of course provoked correspondence, and, as I have made a careful study of the subject, I beg to submit to you, sir, a few reasonable grounds for divorce, which this reformer will, I hope, include in his precious revised code.
A man should be allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all or any of the following grounds:—
1. If he sees anyone he likes better than his wife. ”

“ Counsel for the Prosecution (smiling) . I am afraid not, my lord.
Judge. Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the prisoner to be taken back to——
Prisoner. To the place I was in last night? No thankee!—not me! Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don’t we? Well, just to oblige you—as Dartmoor ain’t ’arf bad in the summer, and as in course I did do it—I plead guilty!
Judge (with a sigh of relief) . Prisoner at the bar; we are infinitely beholden to you! ”

“ MY FIRST CLIENT (By A. Briefless, Junior)
“Here is something for you, sir,” said a sharp-looking youth, suddenly thrusting into my hand a document.
I quietly put the paper into my pocket without comment (I had no wish to bandy words with the process-server) , and reflected that some half-forgotten tailor, or too-long-neglected hatter, was a person of no real delicacy of feeling.
“And will you see to the matter at once?” continued the sharp-looking youth, “as they can’t wait.” ”

“ Oh dear no! Why, it’s the practice of the whole profession!
Curtain.
A Rising Junior.—Old Lady (at the Law Courts) . “Could you kindly direct me, sir, to——”
Young Briefless. “My dear madam, I’m a perfect stranger myself—don’t think I’ve been in a court for the last twenty years!”
His First!—Constable (suspiciously) . “That bag, sir—does it contain——?”
Little Barrister. “My brief!”
LAW OF DIVORCE
Sir,—A “Barrister” who lately wrote to the Times, in order to draw public attention to the existing anomalies in the Law of Divorce, omitted all mention of one of its most glaring absurdities. ”

“ Owner of this heart in fee,
Come and be my junior partner,
And in time we both may see,
Girls, fair copies of their mother,
Boys, the counterpart of me.
“A CLEAN BREAST OF IT”
The Magistrate. “Oh!—you admit making counterfeit money then?”
Prisoner (airily) . “Well, the fact is, your washup, the supply o’ the genuine article is so extremely limited, and things generally are so very tight commercially, that a poor fellow must do something these times to turn an honest penny!”
“Brief let it be”—as the barrister said in his conference with the attorney. ”

“ A more detailed prospectus will speedily be issued with assurance tables prepared for the information of those who, with a wise forethought, look forward to their probably coming into collision with conventional arrangements, but who, owing to the uncertainties of life, may not be aware whether such collision will be occasioned by murder, manslaughter, burglary, highway robbery, garrotting, embezzlement, theft, or any other departure from ordinary rules. ”

“ The jury, who were deeply affected, then retired, and, after two hours’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty.
The English Method, reported in a London Paper. End of the First Day.
The prisoner, who was ably represented by counsel, appeared to be deeply sensible of his position. He kept his eyes on the jury during the brief summing up.
His Lordship said that he trusted the jury would give the benefit of any doubt they might feel in the prisoner’s favour. In so serious a case they must not convict unless they were convinced of his guilt. ”

“ Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel.
Lady (solemnly) . “When you see a boy always loafing round street corners, what place in life do you suppose he is fitting himself for?”
Boy. “To be a policeman, mum!”
Tomkins looking too long at the cartes de visite of the lawyers in Chancery Lane, is seized with a sudden involuntary panic. “Don’t be alarmed, my boy,” said his friend Wigsby, who happened to be passing at the time, “Your coat pockets are quite safe; we don’t do it that way!” ”

“ Legal Intelligence.—A smart young articled clerk, hearing it stated by a lecturer that “man is merely a machine,” remarked, “Then I suppose an attorney may be said to be a suing machine.”
A Case to which a Barrister objects.—A fee-nominal one.
“A Bar Mess.”—Recent difficulties about latitude of counsel in cross-examination.
The real Nine Points of the Law.—Costs.
Open to Conviction.—A prisoner at the bar.
Definition of “Stuff and Nonsense.”—A junior urging a ridiculous plea. ”

“ Legal Mem.—A barrister is only invited to sit on the Bench when he has had some considerable amount of standing at the Bar.
“A Winding-up Case.”—A watch’s.
PROBABLY THE NEXT ABSURDITY
In ladies’ winter costumes.
HELPFUL HINTS TO YOUNG BARRISTERS
“Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the jury, even at the expense of the judge.”
(An opportunity often occurs after lunch.)
“Always laugh at the judge’s jokes. It is not upon such an occasion that his lordship observes that he will not have the court turned into a theatre.”
“Show no mercy to the police; they have few friends.” ”

“ It is believed, and experience warrants the belief, that by the irregular use of these and similar means a criminal trial will speedily be deprived of its antiquated solemnity and terror, and that the odds in favour of the ultimate escape of the assured will be very heavy indeed. ”

“ With men of my stamp, the only possible reply to a man of Jones’s, is the horsewhip, since it can no longer be the sword!”
LEGALISED PROVERBS
Where there’s a will there’s a law suit.
The successful lawyer is a man of actions.
Look before you leap into litigation.
The wise man keeps his own counsel, and the wise counsel keeps his own man. ”

“ Consult a solicitor.
Student.—Can only spare space for half your questions. “Aggravated assault” explains itself, an assault which aggravates or annoys you. “Damage fesant,” a badly shot pheasant. “Simple larceny,” taking an empty purse out of a pocket in which a sovereign is lying loose. “Misdemeanour” is of course the demeanour of an unmarried woman, or in plainer language, the airs she gives herself.
“Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his career in the past has not been free from blemish——”
A Brief Existence.—A barrister’s. ”

“ To procure other articles, in a graver tone, in which every mistake previously made by what is called justice shall be held up as an awful warning, and in which intimidation shall be freely directed against judges, Home Secretaries, and all who are charged with carrying the laws into effect. ”

“ To get up petitions in favour of the convicted persons, some of such petitions to be framed so as to command the approbation of those who object to the special form of punishment that may have been awarded, and without reference to the innocence or guilt of the convicted parties. ”

“ Silvertongue might be a little offended. You know he is a personal friend of mine, and——
Mr. Kosts (promptly, with a bow) . I trust your Grace will not give the matter another thought—Mr. Silvertongue shall be instructed. (Preparing to go.) Of course, your Grace’s young relative, the Honourable Charles Needy, will act as junior?
The Duke. Certainly, Mr. Kosts. Give Charley as much of my work as possible. My wife’s cousin, I am afraid, is not overburdened with briefs.
Mr. Kosts. I am afraid not, your Grace. And yet Mr. Needy is a sharp and clever young gentleman. ”

“ A barrister may take a fee when he knows he cannot attend to the cause; but he may not return the money, for his doing so would be very unprofessional.
6th, and lastly. A barrister may be a very honourable man; but many things which professional etiquette allows him to do, would be thought disgraceful and dishonest among ordinary people.
A Delicate Distinction.—Cross-examining Counsel (to fair witness) . And is your name Aurelia Jessamine Jones?
Fair Witness (after a pause) . No, sir ”

“ Scamp and Vamp.—I hereby agree to purchase one copy of your ‘Pillars of the Law from the Earliest Ages,’ profusely illustrated, in one hundred and fifty-seven monthly parts, at seven shillings and sixpence a part. I further agree to pay for this work annually, at the rate of twelve parts in advance. ”

“ The magistrate said, that bearing in mind the public character of the business on which the defendant was engaged, he would discharge him on payment of half-a-crown and the funeral expenses.
The fine was at once paid.
THE MUZZLING REGULATIONS
Another culprit.
At the New Law Courts.—The cry of the solicitor who has to go to the top story to transact business is, “Please give us a lift.” The solicitor’s lift, if introduced, will be called a conveyancer.
A Very Bad Judge.—The man who tries his friends.
Motto for a Man Reprieved from the Gallows.—No noose is good news. ”

“ No one to be admitted unless they’re in wig an’—that is—beg pardon, m’m—barristers, m’m—only barristers!”
Sir Joshua Dogberry. “If you meet a ticket-of-leave man, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them the better for your honesty.”—Much Ado about Nothing.
NEWS FROM THE LAW COURTS
Cold but in-vig-orating.
CROSSED-EXAMINATION Old Style.—Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Counsel (sharply) . Now, sir, do know the value of an oath? ”

“ Q. What are “breaches of trust”?
A. Trousers procured on tick.
Offender (in the course of lengthy explanation) . “So I ses to the inspector as I were, as you might say, ill, ’an demanded to be examined by Doctor Jones, an’ the inspector ’e ses as ’ow I must see Doctor Smith, the police doctor. ‘No,’ I ses, ‘you may run me in,’ I ses, ‘but you ain’t goin’ to make me change my medical adviser!’”
Happy Thought.—Nervous Rider. ”

“ And death, whenever he comes to me,
Will find me most likely without a fee.
A Sore Point.—First Articled Clerk. “Well how did your private theatricals go off?”
Second Ditto. “Pre’y well. My moustache went off at once, but nothing would induce the pistol to go off in the duel scene!”— (Dropping the subject.) —“How’s your mother?”
Song for the Burglar to his “Pal” who “Peached.”—“Never again with you, Robbin’.”
Suitors’ Sufferings.—As law is to rheumatism, so is equity to gout. The fusion of law and equity may be said to form the counterpart of rheumatic gout.
“Behind the Scenes.”—First Judge. ”

“ Newly-appointed Magistrate. “Any previous convictions against the prisoner?”
What our Articled Clerk said.—The chief lawyer of Turkey can never be a weak man, since every new law there is established by a firman. ”

“ But they’ll dine with the housebreaker’s hireling to-morrow!
Then hurrah!—though his client be swindler or thief,—
For the barrister never in want of a brief.
Song for Detectives.—“Let us speak of a man when we find him.”
“Linked Sweetness long Drawn out.”—Country Lass (to policeman who takes them over the road at Oxford Street Circus) . “I’m so much obliged to you for taking the trouble——”
Gallant Constable. “Lor’ bless yer, miss, I wish the crossin’ was twice as long!”
THE LAY OF THE LITTLE BARRISTER
I’m a little barrister, taking little fees ”