“ Punch is in the best of his humours. He makes merry over the weaknesses of those who follow the craft of Old Izaak, always with the slyest of genial manners. The angler's habit of exaggerating the size of his catch—his patience or his impatience when the fish won't bite—the conscious or unconscious ridicule he has to endure from onlookers when he is unsuccessful—the proverbial thirst that attacks the fisherman, whether he catches anything or not—Mr. ”

“ Such are our country contents, but woe befall the day when I took to salmon-fishing. The outfit is expensive, "half-crown flees" soon mount up, especially if you never go out without losing your fly-book. If you buy a light rod, say of fourteen feet, the chances are that it will not cover the water, and a longer rod requires in the fisherman the strength of a Sandow. You need wading-breeches, which come up nearly to the neck, and weigh a couple of stone. ”

“ Listen to old Smith—he's smashed his rod!"
[Pg 55]
Lambertson (who is nervous, and weighs about a cart-load of bricks, to Dapperton, who has just nipped across, and weighs about nine stone nothing) . "Oh, yes! All very fine for you to say, 'Don't dwell on it.' B—B—BUT——"
[Pg 56]
THE GENTLE CRAFT (By Our Own Trout)
How gentle is the fisherman who sits beside the brook,
And firmly puts the wriggling worm upon the pointed hook
How pleasant for the hapless trout to find, from some strange cause,
The fly conceals a something that makes havoc with its jaws! ”

“ The man who, being a bad shot, doesn't comfort himself by thinking he knows a worse.
13. The man who hasn't made a longer shot than anyone in the company.
14. The man who, having made it, doesn't tell the story.
15. And who, having told the story, doesn't tell it more than once.
Finally, Mr. Punch is never likely to meet the man who, having read the above, will not own that it is strictly true of those who pursue the pleasant pastime of shooting when, as the eminent Burton puts it, "they have leisure from public cares and business."
[Pg 115] ”

“ On changing my dress before lunch, I find my fly-book in my breast pocket, where I had not thought of looking for it somehow. Then the rain comes, and there is not another fishing day in my fortnight. Still, it decidedly was "one crowded hour of glorious life," while it lasted. The other men caught four or five salmon apiece; it is their red letter day. It is marked in black in my calendar.
To Well-Informed Piscatorials.—Query. What sort of fish is a Nod?
Note. A Nod is a sea-fish, and is, probably, of the limpet tribe. ”

“ And this is Jack (with a face of scorn) , thinking in wrath of "directions" torn from the parcel by railway borne, announced by the postman who knocked in the morn, awaking the gourmand all forlorn, who dreamed of the table where diners sat, served by the cooking-wench florid and fat of the dame with the crumpled hat, wife of the porter who "found" the "birds" in the Babel where lost was the label addressed to the friend who expected the Grouse that Jack shot! ”

“ Wild Sports.—The Sportsmen (from the wood) . "Hullo, Tonsonby! You've had a good place. We've heard you blazing away all the afternoon. How many have you bagged?"
Tonsonby (a town man) . "O, bother your tame pheasants. I've tree'd a magnificent tom cat here, and had splendid sport, but I can't hit him. You come and try!" ”

“ Is he spotted red and black?
Does he look a splendid fellow
When you turn him on his back?
Is there any fly can rise him,
Any hook can hold him tight?
Is one able to surprise him
Any time from morn to night?
Stranger, years I've passed in trying
Every artifice and lure,
Standing, crawling, wading, lying,
Casting clean and long and sure.
Empty yet remains my basket,
Cramped and weary grows my fist,
Stranger, in despair I ask it,
Does the trout in truth exist?
HAGIOLOGY.—Patron of a Fishmarket.—St. Polycarp.
[Pg 49]
Encouraging Prospect.—Piscator Juvenis. ”

“ Suppose also, a large presumption, that the Duffer does not leave any indispensable part of his equipment at home. He arrives at the stream, and as he detests a gillie, whose contempt for the Duffer breeds familiarity, he puts up his rod, selects a casting line, knots on the kind of fly which is locally recommended, and steps into the water. Oh, how cold it is! I begin casting at the top of the stream, and step from a big boulder into a hole.
[Pg 14]
Stagger, stumble, violent bob forwards, recovery, trip up, and here one is in a sitting position in the bed of the stream. ”

“ THE ANATOMY OF SHOOTING Men we Never Meet
1. The man who makes no excuses for shooting badly; such as—1. The light was in his eyes; 2. He was bilious; 3. There was something wrong with his cartridges; 4. Too many cigars the night before; 5. Some particular eatable or drinkable taken the night before; 6. Or that morning; 7. He was afraid of hitting that beater; 8. We were walking too fast; 9. He hadn't got his eye in; 10. Or his eye was out; 11. He didn't think it was his bird; 12. It was too far off; 13. He always thought there was something the matter with that gun. ”

“ Then I reel up the slack, and put on another fly, out of my cap—a Popham. Then I fish down the rest of the pool. Near the edge, in the slower part of the water, there is a long slow draw; before I can lift the point of the rod, a salmon jumps high out of the water at me,—and is gone! I never struck him, [Pg 24] was too much taken aback at the moment; did not expect him then. Thank goodness, the hook is not off this time.
The next stream is very deep, strong and narrow; the best chance is close in on my side. ”

“ The very best gun; 2. Cartridges; 3. Charges of powder and shot; 4. Best tipple to shoot on; 5. Best sort of boots; 6. Gaiters; 7. And equipment generally.
5. The man who doesn't change the said theory every season.
6. The man who hasn't sometimes said he couldn't shoot after lunch.
7. Or that he could shoot better after lunch.
8. The man who on your remarking that your friend George Lake is a good shot, doesn't answer that you should see Billy Mountain (or someone else) and then you would know what shooting really was.
9. The man who hasn't a friend who "can't hit a haystack." ”

“ Ketching lots o' salmon!"
Angler. "There! Tut-t-t-t—confound you! I should ha' settled that fish if you hadn't come bothering about! Three people coming to dinner without notice, and only chops in the house! You'd better go and tell my wife what you've done"
[Pg 73]
Piscatorial Politeness. (From a Yorkshire stream.) —Privileged Old Keeper (to member of fishing club, of profuse and ruddy locks, who is just about to try for the big trout, a very wary fish) . "Keep yer head doon, sir, keep yer head doon!" ”

“ I put one on, and begin again casting over where that fish rose. By George, there he came at me, at least I think it must have been at me, a great dark swirl, "the purple wave bowed over it like a hill," but he never touched me. Give him five minutes law, the hook is sure to be well fastened on, need not bother looking at that again. Five minutes take a long time in passing, when you are giving a salmon a rest. Good times and bad times and all times pass, so here goes. It is correct to begin a good way above him and come down to [Pg 20] him. ”

“ Giglamps (who has been caught by keeper with some fish in his basket under taking size) . "Oh—er—well, you see, fact is, my glasses—er—magnify a good deal. Make things look larger than they really are!"
Keeper (about to receive smaller tip than meets the occasion) . "Ah! makes yer put down a shillin' when yer means 'alf-a-crown, sometimes, I dessay, sir!"
[Pg 61]
Paying too dear for his Whistle.—Donald. "E—h, sir, yon's a gran' fesh ye've gotten a haud o'!"
The Laird. "Oo, aye, a gran' fesh enoo, but I'd be gay an' glad if I saw my twa-and-saxpenny flee weel oot o' his mooth!" ”

“ In fishing for conger eels, it is sometimes convenient to have a spare boat.
[Pg 64]
Returned Empty.—Old Mayfly (who had dropped his flask further down stream, and has just had it returned to him by honest rustic) . "Dear me! Thank you! Thank you!" (Gives him a shilling.) "Don't know what I should ha' done without it!" (Begins to unscrew top.) "May I offer you a——"
Honest Rustic. "Well, thank y', sir, but me and my mate, not seein' a howner about, we've ta'en what there were inside."
[Pg 65]
Hints to Beginners.—When casting with a fly rod, be sure to get your line well out behind you. ”

“ You nearly shot my father then!"
Tom. "Sh! Don't say anything, there's a good fellow! Take a shot at mine!!"
[Pg 98]
THE FOOL WITH A GUN (To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Anthony")
A LITTLE CHECK
There are many fools that worry this world,
Fools old, and fools who're young;
Fools with fortunes, and fools without,
Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt,
Fools who snigger, and fools who shout,
Fools who never know what they're about,
And fools all cheek and tongue;
Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads,
Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads ”

“ HINTS TO BEGINNERS. GROUSE DRIVING
Birds coming straight towards you sometimes offer a very unsatisfactory shot.
[Pg 154]
Over the Stubble.—Mr. Winchester Poppit (at the luncheon by the coppice) . I must say that I like to see partridges driven.
Captain Treadfoot Trotter (who believes in shooting over dogs) . No doubt, Mr. Poppit, you'd like to see the poor birds driven in a coach, or a tandem, or a curricle ”

“ Old Hand. "Now, for the last time, for goodness' sake don't shoot any of us, or the dogs, or yourself."
Novice (sarcastically) . "What about the birds?"
Old Hand. "Oh, you won't hit them!"
[Pg 147]
MR. MUGGS' GROUSE MOOR
Mr. Muggs leaves for the north. Mr. M. as he appeared, half a minute before the train started, minus half of his luggage, and with the guard shouting to him to take his seat!
[Pg 148]
"Pheasant-shooting in some districts will suffer through lack of birds. ”

“ Renting a well-stocked moor
A shooting party
A Zoological Conundrum.—Intending Tenant (to Lord Battusnatch's Head Keeper) . And how about the birds? Are they plentiful, Gaskins?
Gaskins. Well, sir, if the foxes of our two neighbours was able to lay pheasants' eggs, I should say there'd be no better shooting south o' the Trent.
Sad Fatality to one of a Shooting Party on the Moors.—On returning home, after a most successful day's sport, just as he entered the garden he was taken from life by a snap-shot.
[Pg 113]
A Blank Day.—First Friend. ”

“ But if you was to aim at his lordship the next time, I think he'd feel more comforbler, sir!"
[Pg 128]
LOVE AMONG THE PARTRIDGES
September's first, the day was fair,
We sought the pleasant stubble,
The birds were rising everywhere,
The old dog gave no trouble.
And still my friend missed every shot,
While I ne'er fired in vain.
I said, "Perchance the day's too hot?"
He cried, "Amelia Jane!"
We shot throughout the livelong day,
We always shoot together,
And yet in a disgraceful way,
He never touched a feather. ”

“ Lady Visitor (who has been listening to Piscator's story) . "I didn't know that trout grew as large as that!"
Piscator's Wife. "Oh, yes, they do—after the story has been told a few times!"
A Reflection by an Angler.—Nature's aristocracy. Mortal man being but a worm, is therefore by nature of gentle birth.
Net Profit.—A fisherman's.
PISCATORIAL.—Shakespearian angler's song to his bait: "Sleep, gentle, sleep."
[Pg 53]
Our Friend Briggs contemplates a Day's Fishing.—He is here supposed to be getting his tackle in order, and trying the management of his running line. ”

“ Beater. "Ar doan't rightly know; but ar think they calls it serdlitz pooder!"
[Pg 167]
Disgusted Keeper (who has just beaten up a brace or so of pheasants, which young Snookson has missed "clane and clever"—to dog, which has been "going seek" and "going find" from force of habit) . "Ah, Ruby, Ruby, bad dog! T' heel, Ruby, t' heel! Ah must apologise for Ruby, sir. You see, Ruby's been accustomed to pick 'em up!"
An extended tract of moor
A second laying
Heavy bags are difficult to secure
[Pg 169]
Extract from a private letter. ”

“ Old Gent (who has recently purchased the property) . "Now, don't you boys know that nobody can catch fish in this stream except with my—er—a—special permit?"
Youthful Angler. "Get away! Why, me and this 'ere kid's catched scores of 'em wi' a worrum!"
[Pg 17]
Angler (after landing his tenth—reading notice) . "The man who wrote that sign couldn't have been using the right bait!"
[Pg 19]
Misplaced Sympathy.—"Well? ”