Olive Higgins Prouty

“ Sheilah felt a great comforting sense of satisfaction. Not only was she letting Felix out of the dark, but also she was discharging a debt she felt she owed him. He had been alone and neglected at college. He had failed at college. If she saw to it that he was not alone and neglected in Wallbridge, if she helped him to succeed in Wallbridge, then that strange hungry sense of obligation to him, always fumbling for food just over her heart, would be satisfied, perhaps; would become weaned in time, and she would be free again, and happy, seeing him prosper on the milk of others' kindness. ”

“ The telephone-booth was cheap and battered, lined with pressed tin, and smelling of stale tobacco. He felt the same old distaste that he used to, in receiving Sheilah's voice in such unlovely surroundings, but he was in too much of a hurry to seek a more fitting place. He also felt the same old eagerness and excitement, as he impatiently waited for his call to be completed, increased to-night, by uncertainty. Would she wish him to call her? Her loyalty to Felix would be burning just now with abnormal intensity, he felt sure. ”

“ Laetitia was three years older than Roddie, and Phillip was three years younger, and Esther (Esther, whom she mustn't think about) was three years younger than Phillip. Or would have been three years younger if she had lived.
Sheilah had given them the nicest names she knew. Rodney had been her favorite boy's name ever since she was a little girl. It stood for courage and honesty, straight shoulders and a clear eye; Laetitia for the sort of charm and delicacy one finds in fragile, slender-stemmed flowers; Phillip was the name of a young prince to her ”

“ Lying now on her hilltop (her hilltop because she sought it so often) , Sheilah rejoiced in the consciousness of being better, as another might rejoice in the consciousness of physical perfection. How good to lie upon a hilltop, day after day, and feel strength running back through one's finger-tips instead of out of them. It was one of her secret delights to imagine that the hill was holding her up, like some kind friend, as far as it could reach toward the healing qualities of sun and sky and wind. ”

“ Sparks had shaken generously underneath the blue waves.
It was equipped like the Canadian work-box too. Silently, fora moment Sheilah gazed upon the array before her. There were rows of needle-books of every size. There were bodkins; there were stilettos; there were crochet-hooks; there were knitting-needles; there were carpet needles; there were curious scythe-like-shaped needles.
Sheilah said finally, 'I don't believe there's a thing I shall ever want but what's here,' wondering the while in her heart if there was a thing there she would ever want. 'Who helped you, Felix? ”

“ If he made himself known to Nevin, perhaps he would give him a little advice, tell him what he should do to get into the college life, slipping by him—always slipping by him, like a moving sidewalk, while he stood stationary and watched. Timidity, and a pressing desire to become a good-fellow, like Nevin, fought for weeks in Felix's heart before he dared to approach Nevin. Nevin, always bent upon some urgent business, simply hadn't seen Felix.
'Why, hello there! If it isn't old Pastey,' he had exclaimed to Felix's shy 'Do you remember me?' 'Glad to see you, Pastey. ”

“ For six months now, Roger Dallinger had been running up to Wallbridge to see Cicely Morgan. As he sat staring out at the quiet, waiting hills, which all the week he had been picturing as a background to the most beautiful hour of his life, perhaps, it wasn't so much the immediate disappointment that the hills would wait in vain to-day that hurt him as the shocking possibility, that, instead of just barely having missed heaven, he may just barely have escaped a catastrophe. ”

“ On a certain morning in late June, Sheilah woke to the realization that she must somehow muster enough strength to go in town to do some necessary shopping for the children. It had been haunting her for a week. Every necessity haunted her lately, loomed ahead of her like a menacing calamity. She postponed the dreaded shopping-tour until after lunch, and then, after the children had gone back to school, sprang up from the couch, put on her hat, and plunged out into the midday sun and heat in desperate and unintelligent determination. ”

“ Not so with Cicely. A cold woman, people called her. Beautiful, brilliant, with a brain that had but to be touched to respond, but with feelings scarcely ever aroused.
But to-night Cicely's feelings had been aroused. Something tender and unfamiliarly maternal had stolen over her as she had sat on the couch beside Sheilah, and held her hand. Sheilah on her part had felt something tender for Cicely. A little of that nearly forgotten, young-girl infatuation for Cicely had swept over Sheilah, as Cicely had risen to say good-bye. ”

“ Roger, left alone, watched her flutter away from him like a moth, as she had come, or a butterfly which he had caught, held a moment, and then let go.
Sheilah hadn't seen him again till morning. In spite of her remonstrances several of the loyal survivors of the Outsiders rose at seven-thirty to wave her good-bye. She made her departure from the front porch of the hotel, with no word of apology for the overburdened little car, taking her proper place beside Felix, with a smile, gallantly waving, and calling a last bright, crisp 'good-bye,' as the car fussed and sputtered out of the drive. ”

“ One of his patients had told Sheilah once that Dr. Evarts was like a shaft of sunlight in a sickroom. 'Perhaps,' sighed Sheilah despairingly, after one of his vivacious calls, 'but to aching eyes sunlight may sometimes be painful.'
She wished she could talk to Dr. Sheldon—quiet, grave, listening Dr. Sheldon. Never very merry. He never tried to make her smile. Dr. Sheldon was like a gently drawn curtain in a sick room when one is tired and would like to go to sleep. But it would mean a trip to Wallbridge. ”

“ Sheilah smiled. Only one whose heart is very calm and quiet can hear such little sounds. As she swung down the hill that led into the town she observed the various roadside signs and symbols of the New England autumn—piles of orange-colored pumpkins on the back porch of almost every house she passed, mounds of discarded apples beneath the bared branches of the orchards, Indian wigwams in place of the waving cornfields. ”

“ Why, of course she hadn't got to marry Felix Nawn! And she pressed down the loud pedal with all her strength, and struck the last chord confidently.
It was in the same mood an hour later that Sheilah kissed her mother and father good-bye before going to school—her mother tenderly on her cheek, yielding generously to her arms, her father lightly on his forehead, bare within an inch of the top of his head now.
'I am going to measure it with a tape-measure to-night,' gayly Sheilah warned him. 'It isn't disappearing half fast enough to suit me! I adore bald babies, and bald fathers. ”

“ There is no poison more deadly than jealousy, no emotion more devastating. Several of her women friends were jealous of her, and men used to be. How she despised them for it. How she despised herself for it. Strange coincidence, that she should have sent Sheilah into Roger's very arms. Any one could see there was something between them. How happy Sheilah had seemed, and glowing. And how she had flushed when she had jibed her about the man who had been nice to her at Avidon's. And later how elaborately at ease Roger had tried to appear ”

“ And,' she added with grim honesty in the same breath with her lie, 'T think it will.'
'Do you really?' eagerly, like a boy, Roger took her up. No, she hadn't suspected, nor expected, either. 'I want very much to make Sheilah happy,' he added.
'I know you do. I understand perfectly, Roger.'
'Oh, you're such a good friend of mine, Cicely,' he exclaimed.
Friend? Friend indeed!
Roger began pacing up and down the little room, plying Cicely with countless questions as to the details of Felix's death, to most of which she was forced to reply with forbearing patience. 'I don't know. I didn't ask. ”

“ III All the next day, rattling down over the dusty roads in the little car beside Felix, Sheilah lived over and over again her last five minutes alone with Roger—her last half-minute. She wasn't sorry. She regretted nothing. He hadn't kissed her. If her lips had been the petals of a flower he couldn't have been more careful not to crush them. Oh, had ever any woman before received such a strange, illusive, and provocative caress? ”

“ Besides, you're too big and important a man here, doing big and important things. If you should go away everybody would wonder and want to know why. But I—I'm nothing—nobody. If I should disappear no one would wonder, or want to know why. It's I who must go away, Roger.'
'Oh, Sheilah, in a little time, with a little patience I can arrange things so that what we feel for each other can be acknowledged. Why do you try to kill so beautiful a thing so insistent upon living?'
'Because other beautiful things would have to die to let it live,' promptly she replied, as she had often before. ”

“ So now Sheilah turned the key back, then tiptoed cautiously across the room to the light over her dressing-table (the electric button by the door would send off a report like a cap-pistol) , and pulled its tasselled cord. A warm pink effulgence flooded the room, flowed over Sheilah. She gazed at herself in the mirror.
Her cheeks were flaming. She pressed her hands against them hard. How hot they were! She hated hot cheeks. She hated feelings. What was the matter with her lately? Even happiness hurt her sometimes now. Even beauty. ”

“ Felix was a carpenter now, working daily in the box-factory near by. Phillip was always saying he wanted to be like his father, and following him closely about like a dog his master. Phillip's devotion to his father, like his smile, was deep and abiding. And Sheilah was as anxious to preserve it. It seemed to her as if Phillip's little hot coal of love for Felix must compensate a little for all she had failed to give him. ”

“ To a child, to a mere slip of a girl. Even, it seemed, if the mere slip of a girl chanced to be the cause of a quarrel with Roger. Even, moreover, if it required being very kind and generous to the mere slip of a girl, sharing with her praise and admiration that she had wanted all for herself. Oh, the irony of fate! That she, Cicely Morgan, who had always had more praise and admiration than she had wanted from men, should, from the only man who had ever touched her heart, want more than was offered!
'Do tell me, Cicely,' Sheilah was still urging. ”

“ I'm losing my grip on my job. I was worse than no mother when you were so sick. I'm not thinking about anything in the world but you. I'm not caring about anything in the world but you. And that's wrong. That's wasted thought, wasted caring, because I can't have you. At least I won't have you,' she brought out savagely.
She had become savage now. Her gentleness had disappeared, even her wistfulness. There were no similes any more, no play any more. ”

“ There was a group of birches at the further end of the meadow where the brook spilled over into a marsh. Roger stopped to-day and remarked upon the birches.
'They're like young girls in green chiffon in wading,' he said to Sheilah, as he had to Cicely years ago.
Sheilah flashed him one of her brightest smiles and then turned meditatively toward the birches. 'No, not young girls—little girls. Their legs are so spindly and straight.'
How different from Cicely! Oh, really she was too good to be true, too absolutely satisfying to be made of flesh and blood. ”

“ Well, she was glad Esther hadn't lived now. Poor little alien here.
Sheilah managed with the help of a wet dish-cloth and a charred iron-holder to lift the beef onto the top of the stove. It was nearly enough done, she guessed. Then she sat down, and leaning her head on her hand, supported by her elbow resting on the kitchen table, she closed her eyes. She wished she could cry. Ever since Esther had died all her eyes ever did was just to smart. All her heart ever did, too! Esther had died nearly a year ago, now. She ought to be getting used to it by this time. ”

“ The skaters in the cove on the pond below were indistinguishable to the casual observer—like so many water-bugs, darting back and forth on the surface of a glassy pool. But not to Sheilah. Sheilah could always pick out Felix Nawn, from the top of Sabin's Hill, in a crowd of skaters below. Thick and bulky in outline. Long-overcoated. Slow, swooping glides. Usually to be found on the outskirts of a group. Usually alone. ”

“ The space between them disappeared as if some invisible gossamer thread had been spun between their eyes and the chasm spanned.
'Sheilah, tell me,' Roger said afterward. 'I want to know. I must know. Are you happy?'
'Why, of course,' she quavered, 'of course I'm happy. It's a woman's job to be happy, isn't it?'
'That's Baird's idea. That it's every one's job to be happy. Can't I help you in your job a little? ”

“ Unless you think——Is it a nervous breakdown, John?'
'Not yet.'
'If it's a nervous breakdown, what's the cause of it?' demanded Dora.
'It isn't a nervous breakdown, and I don't know what is troubling her. She may not know herself. She told me about a queer dream that keeps recurring, but it is beyond me to interpret it. I'm not a neurologist, Dora. I can send you to one, though, and possibly he can put his finger on the cause of Sheilah's unhappiness immediately. But whatever the cause, it's results we're after, isn't it? ”

“ We got a telephone, Mother. I got a medal at camp, Mother. You going to stay at home now, Mother?'
Her heart swelled with something she had been too tired to feel for a long while. She hugged them to her tight—each in turn, Roddie, Laetitia, Phillip——her children! She had forgotten they were so dear to her—that she was so dear to them. ”

“ IV 'I've come to talk to you about Sheilah. We're worried about her,' said Dora.
John Sheldon sat down.
'Tell me about it,' he replied, and leaned back in his chair, and folded his hands. He didn't even twiddle a pencil.
'Well, she isn't eating and she isn't sleeping,' Dora went on, 'and she is losing weight. And I've caught her crying several times. When I ask her what is the matter she just says, "Nothing. Please leave me alone." So unlike her. We've always been the closest mother and daughter in the world. ”

“ The suggestion from Roger that he help her financially to renounce him, was unthinkable to Sheilah.
'No,' she replied instantly, firmly. 'So long as we care for each other in the way we do, anything mercenary would spoil the beauty.'
And not only was the financial problem a difficulty. Old vines whose roots have become deeply embedded in the soil, and twisted around the various rocks and difficulties in the paths they have tunneled, do not thrive well when transplanted. Felix even in his youth was never adaptable to new scenes, new people, new demands. ”

“ II At first Roger had combated the increasing consolation he found himself feeling in the nearness of a woman who was not Sheilah. But finally he concluded it was but another proof of the intensity of his love for her. Before Sheilah's advent his desires, as far as women were concerned, were well under control. She awoke them, excited them, and then went away, and left them unsatisfied. It was the absent and forever-forbidden Sheilah he groped for in Cicely, when he placed his hand upon her wrist and felt the warm, smooth, feminine flesh beneath his fingers. ”