P. G. Wodehouse

“ I was saying so to Roberts, the chauffeur, just as soon as I ’eard Miss Elsa was going out with Mr. Barstowe. I said: ‘Roberts, these hautomobiles is tricky. Break down when you’re twenty miles from hanywhere as soon as look at you Roberts,’ I said, slipping him a ten-dollar bill, ‘’ow awful it would be if the car should break down twenty miles from hanywhere to-day!’”
Marvin stared. “You bribed Roberts to——”
“Sir! I gave Roberts the ten dollars because I’m sorry for him. He is a poor man, and ’as a wife and family to support.” ”

“ Keggs bowed. “I think, sir, that possibly I may be hable to throw light on the matter.”
“What!” cried Mr. Keith. “Great Scott, man, then why didn’t you say so at the time? Where is she?”
“It was not my place, sir, to henter into the conversation of the dinner-table,” said the butler, with a touch of reproof. “If I might speak now, sir?”
Mr. Keith clutched at his forehead. “Heavens above! Do you want a signed permit to tell me where my daughter is? Get on, man, get on!”
“I think it ’ighly possible, sir, that Miss Elsa and Mr. Barstowe may be on the hisland in the lake, sir.” ”

“ Barstowe was reading to Miss Elsa on the hoccasion to which I ’ave halluded, you were sitting by, trying to engage her hattention. It’s not the way, sir. You should leave them alone together. Let ’er see so much of ’im, and nobody else but ’im, that she will grow tired of ’im. Fondness for poetry, sir, is very much like the whiskey ’abit. You can’t cure a man what ’as got that by hopposition. When I was butler to Lord Emsworth, sir, ’is heir, the Honorable Claude Havant, most unfortunately became haddicted to the ’abit. ”

“ Should Miss Elsa become engaged to any member of the party, the pool goes to the drawer of ’is name. Should no engagement hoccur the money remains in my charge until the following year, when it is hadded to the new pool. Of course, Miss Elsa might haccept some gentleman in town, whose name is not on the list of starters. In that case the money would be returned to the depositors. It is merely a little sporting flutter to relieve the hintense monotony of country life. ’Itherto I ’ave ’ad the misfortune to draw nothing but married gentlemen, but on this hoccasion I ’ave secured you, sir. ”

“ I believe that’s the only way he can get people to listen to it.”
“But you used to like it, darling. You said he had such a musical voice.”
“Musical voice!” The pillow became a shapeless heap. “Mother, it was like a nightmare! If I had seen him again, I should have had hysterics. It was awful. If he had been even the least bit upset himself I think I could have borne up. But he enjoyed it! ”

“ John a whiskey and soda hinstead of the barley-water what ’e ’ad ordered. Now, if you will permit me to offer a word of hadvice, sir, I say let Miss Elsa ’ave all the poetry she wants. Don’t let her ’ave no rest.”
Marvin was conscious of but one coherent feeling at the conclusion of this address, and that was one of amazed gratitude. A lesser man who had entered his room and begun to discuss his private affairs would have had reason to retire with some speed; but that Keggs should descend from his pedestal and interest himself in such lowly matters was a different thing altogether. ”

“ Mr. Keith could hardly have displayed more surprise if the butler had said he had been turning somersaults.
“I frequently row of a morning, sir, when there are no duties to detain me in the ’ouse. I find the hexercise hadmirable for the ’ealth. I walk briskly to the boat-’ouse, and——”
“Yes, yes. I don’t want a schedule of your daily exercises. Cut out the reminiscences of the training-camp and come to the point.”
“As I was rowing on the lake this morning, sir, I ’appened to see a boat itched up to a tree on the hisland. I think that possibly Miss Elsa and Mr. ”

“ Two days later ’er ladyship slips away to London early in the morning, and they’re married at a registry office. That is why I say that you are going the wrong way to work with Miss Elsa, sir. With certain types of ’igh-spirited young ladies hopposition is useless. ”