P. G. Wodehouse

“ That was the way Bream looked at it. And very sensible of him, too, I consider.
“We'd better go downstairs,” said Jane. “Bring the candle. Not you, Eustace, darling. Don't you stir out of bed!”
“I won't,” said Eustace obediently.
§ 3
Of all the leisured pursuits, there are few less attractive to the thinking man than sitting in a dark cupboard waiting for a house-party to go to bed: and Sam, who had established himself in the one behind the piano at a quarter to eight, soon began to feel as if he had been there for an eternity. ”

“ Billie cast a glance of contempt at him out of the corner of her eyes. She hardly knew why she had spoken to him except that, as all automobilists are aware, the impulse to say rude things about their battery is almost irresistible. To an automobilist the art of conversation consists in rapping out scathing remarks either about the battery or the oiling-system.
Billie switched on the head-lights and turned the car down the dark drive. She was feeling thoroughly upset. Her idealistic nature had received a painful shock on the discovery of the yellow streak in Bream. ”

“ He mused for a moment. “Yes, you're quite right,” he said. “A church is the thing. It'll please Webster.”
“Webster?”
“Yes, he's rather keen on the church bells never having rung out so blithe a peal before. And we must consider Webster's feelings. After all, he brought us together.”
“Webster? How?”
“Oh, I'll tell you all about that some other time,” said Sam. “Just for the moment I want to sit quite still and think. Are you comfortable? Fine! Then off we go.”
The birds in the trees fringing the road stirred and twittered grumpily as the noise of the engine disturbed their slumbers. ”

“ She had a vision of Eustace and the daughter of J. Rufus Bennett strolling together on moonlit decks, leaning over rails damp with sea-spray, and, in short, generally starting the whole trouble over again.
In the height of the tourist season it is not always possible for one who wishes to leave America to spring on to the next boat. A long morning's telephoning to the offices of the Cunard and the White Star brought Mrs. Hignett the depressing information that it would be a full week before she could sail for England. ”

“ Hignett, who had been a chafing auditor of this interchange of courtesies, “is beside the point. Why did you dance in the hall, Samuel, and play the orchestrion?”
“Yes,” said Mr. Bennett, reminded of his grievance, “waking people up.”
“Scaring us all to death!” complained Mr. Mortimer.
“I remember you as a boy, Samuel,” said Mrs. Hignett, “lamentably lacking in consideration for others and concentrated only on your selfish pleasures. You seem to have altered very little.”
“Don't ballyrag the poor man,” said Jane Hubbard. “Be human! Lend him a can-opener!” ”

“ Will you marry me?”
“Oh, don't talk like a parrot,” cried Billie. “It reminds me of Bream.”
“But will you?”
“Yes,” said Billie.
Sam brought the car to a standstill with a jerk, probably very bad for the tires.
“Did you say 'yes'?”
“Yes!”
“Darling!” said Sam, leaning towards her, “Oh, curse this helmet!”
“Why?”
“Well, I rather wanted to kiss you and it hampers me,”
“Let me try and get it off. Bend down!”
“Ouch!” said Sam.
“It's coming. There! How helpless men are!”
“We need a woman's tender care,” said Sam depositing the helmet on the floor of the car, and rubbing his smarting ears. “Billie!” ”

“ He followed Billie in a docile manner out through the front door, and they made their way to the garage at the back of the house, both silent. The only difference between their respective silences was that Billie's was thoughtful, while Bream's was just the silence of a man who has unhitched his brain and is getting along as well as he can without it.
In the hall they had left, Jane Hubbard once more took command of affairs.
“Well, that's something done,” she said, scratching Smith's broad back with the muzzle of her weapon. “Something accomplished, something done, has earned a night's repose. ”

“ It was too dark to see anything distinctly, but, in the instant before it turned and fled, she caught sight of a shadowy male figure, and knew that her worst fears had been realised. The figure was too tall to be Eustace, and Eustace, she knew, was the only man in the house. Male figures, therefore, that went flitting about Windles, must be the figures of burglars. ”

“ It rolled over to Cherbourg, dallied at that picturesque port for some hours, then sauntered across the Channel and strolled into Southampton Water in the evening of the day on which Samuel Marlowe had sat in the lane plotting with Webster, the valet. At almost the exact moment when Sam, sidling through the windows of the drawing-room, slid into the cupboard behind the piano, Mrs. Hignett was standing at the Customs barrier telling the officials that she had nothing to declare.
Mrs. Hignett was a general who believed in forced marches. ”

“ Billie, meanwhile, with Bream trotting docilely at her heels, had reached the garage and started the car. Like all cars which have been spending a considerable time in secluded inaction, it did not start readily. At each application of Billie's foot on the self-starter, it emitted a tinny and reproachful sound and then seemed to go to sleep again. Eventually, however, the engines began to revolve and the machine moved reluctantly out into the drive. ”

“ Jane Hubbard had practically every noble quality which a woman can possess with the exception of patience. A patient woman would have stood by, shrinking from interrupting the dialogue. Jane Hubbard's robuster course was to raise the elephant-gun, point it at the front door, and pull the trigger. ”

“ Into the glare of the head-lights there stepped a strange figure, strange, that is to say, in these tame modern times. In the Middle Ages he would have excited no comment at all. Passers-by would simply have said to themselves, “Ah, another of those knights off after the dragons!” and would have gone on their way with a civil greeting. But in the present age it is always somewhat startling to see a helmeted head pop up in front of your automobile. At any rate, it startled Bream. I will go further. It gave Bream the shock of a lifetime. ”

“ He remembered that Webster had promised to come and knock an all-clear signal on the door. It would be safer to wait for that.
But the moments went by, and there was no knock. Sam began to grow impatient. The last few minutes of waiting in a cupboard are always the hardest. Time seemed to stretch out again interminably. ”

“ Of course, it's all right now while it's dark. But have you considered what is going to happen when the sun gets up? We shall have a sort of triumphal procession. How the small boys will laugh when they see a man in a helmet go by in a car! I shan't notice them myself because it's a little difficult to notice anything from inside this thing, but I'm afraid it will be rather unpleasant for you ... I know what we'll do. We'll go to London and drive up and down Piccadilly! That will be fun!”
There was a long silence.
“Is my helmet on straight?” said Sam.
Billie made no reply. ”

“ The house isn't on the 'phone, and nobody else can drive the car.”
“That's true,” said Mr. Bennett, wavering.
“I'm going,” said Billie resolutely. It occurred to her, as it has occurred to so many women before her, how helpless men are in a crisis. The temporary withdrawal of Jane Hubbard had had the effect which the removal of a rudder has on a boat. “It's the only thing to do. I shall be back in no time.”
She stepped firmly to the coat-rack, and began to put on her motoring-cloak. And just then Jane Hubbard came downstairs, shepherding before her a pale and glassy-eyed Bream. ”

“ So he is hoping—we are both hoping—that you will accept it as a present when we are married. We really shan't want it, you know. We are going to live in London. So you will take it, won't you—to please us? ”

“ Look at the way he had dived overboard that time in the harbour at New York! Billie found herself thinking hard about Samuel Marlowe.
There are only a few makes of car in which you can think hard about anything except the actual driving without stalling the engines, and Mr. ”