Various

“ The players at my Club are all good, one especially so, a retired Colonel of a West Indian regiment, of whom I stand in mortal dread. He has short shrift for any failings, even of players nearly as good as himself, whilst as for me! though he has never yet resorted to personal violence with a chair-leg, yet that would not surprise me; and my pestilent fate in defiance of all mathematical odds in such case made and provided, is to cut him as my partner three and four times in succession in an evening. ”

“ However, my partner accepted the situation with unexpected suavity, merely remarking pleasantly, as an item of general interest, "The only time my partner ever leads a trump is when the adversaries call." ”

“ On men who consciously deceive their taste;
Who cheating self are blindest when they've seen,
And call that Butter which is Margarine.
"Give me," 'tis thus their sentiments they utter,
"Firkins of Bosh, but label them as Butter.
Who cares for honest names? they're all my eye. ”

“ Remarkable how some parties do keep their 'air, Sir! Now yours— (with a disparaging glance at the Bald Customer's image in the mirror) —yours grows quite remarkable strong. Do you use anythink for it now?
The Gr. C. Not I. Leave that to those who are not so well protected!
The Loq. Ass. I was on'y wondering if you'd been applying our Rosicrucian Stimulant, Sir, that's all. There's the gentleman next door to here—a chemist, he is—and if you'll believe me, he was gettin' as bald as a robin, and he'd only tried it a fortnight when his 'ed come out all over brustles! ”

“ In the last hand of the next rubber, my partner had four trumps; so had I; he had, besides a very long suit; hence he extracted the trumps, and we were left with the last two between us, mine being the better. I got the lead, of course, exactly at the time I did not want it; although everyone else knew where the smaller trump was, I did not, so I drew it from my partner's hand, and then led him a card of which he had none in the suit; this card, as ill-luck would have it, belonged to an enormously long suit, of which one of the adversaries had entire control. ”

“ The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and instantly recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a defiant glare upon his rival, and walk out with dignity. The Grizzled Customer after prolonged self-inspection, follows. ”

“ And about the same time a person, wearing the garb of a convict, made his way to one of Her Majesty's Prisons, and requested an interview with the Governor. His garb obtained for him immediate admission to the precincts of the gaol.
"Well, my man," said the Governor, when his visitor appeared before him; "what do you want?"
"If you please, Sir," replied the person in the garb of a convict, "I shall be very much obliged if you will permit me to have an hour or so at oakum-picking." ”

“ The first, who is elderly, removes his hat and displays an abundance of strong grizzled hair, which he surveys complacently in a mirror. The second, a younger man, seems reluctant to uncover until absolutely obliged to do so. ”

“ The depths of my guilt may be guessed from the fact that many of my Mentor's explanations are Hittite to me. People talking of laying up a wretched old age by not playing, I should be laying it up for other people if I did play much. ”

“ As the Scene opens, its only occupants are a Loquacious Assistant and a Customer with a more than ordinarily sympathetic manner.
"You 'ave been losin' your 'air!"
The Loquacious Assistant. No, Sir, we're free to go the minute the clock strikes. We've no clearing up or anythink of that sort to do, not bein' required to pufform any duties of a menial nature, Sir. 'Ed a little more to the left, Sir.... Sundays I gen'ally go up the river. I'm a Member of a Piskytorial Association. ”

“ Young Father Dillwyn.
"That's not quite it," said Young Father DILLWYN, with hand to ear, listening from corner seat below Gangway he shares with that other eminent statesman, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "What we complain of is, that you have so managed matters that the door hasn't been opened."
"Ah, well," said JOKIM, wringing his hands, "it's no use my trying anything. Remember once seeing in dock of police-court at Lyons, a sailor brought up charged with some offence. ”

“ Your thoroughgoing Whist-player as such—admirable in private life as I personally know him to be—the moment he begins the daily business of his life, seems to cast his better nature to the winds. At another time and place he would lend a sympathetic ear to any tale of woe ”

“ Our Army costs more, and could do less than any in the world. Curious to find statement like this gravely made in presence of twenty-eight Members, all told, including the SPEAKER. Suppose it's true, Empire on verge of precipice, into which, on slightest impulse, it may totter and disappear. Hon. Members, in the main, care so little that they busy themselves [pg 144] writing letters, chatting in Lobby, gossipping in Smoke-room; the few present admirably succeed in disguising terror that must possess them as HANBURY, in solemn voice, utters his lamentation. ”

“ At half-past seven, time to dress for dinner. Still, Members think they'll just wait and see business commenced. "Instead of which," as the Judge said, up gets SWIFT MACNEILL, asking permission to move Adjournment of House in order to discuss famine in India, and shortcomings of Indian Government. SPEAKER invites those who support application to rise in their places. Gentlemen below the Gangway, with hearts bleeding for famished fellow-creatures in far-off Ind (subject reminds them, by the way, that dinner is nearly ready) , leap to their feet. ”

“ No, Sir, you've an uncommon thick 'ed—of 'air, I mean, of course!
The S.A. If you'll take my advice, you'll 'ave yours singed, Sir.
The B.C. (dejectedly) . Why, think it's any use?
The S.A. No doubt of that, Sir. Look at the way they singe a 'orse's legs. [The Bald Customer yields, convinced by this argument.
The Gr. C. No singeing or any nonsense of that sort for me, mind!
[They are shampooed simultaneously.
The B.C. (piteously, from his basin) . Th—that's c-cold enough, thanks!
[pg 137]
The Gr. C. (aggressively from his) . Here, colder than that—as cold as you can make it—I don't care! ”

“ I sometimes have glimmerings of sense, and in hands presenting no particular difficulty, if they contain plenty of good cards—can manage to scrape along in a way I think fairly satisfactory even—to him, though he never encourages me by saying so. ”

“ I will become a soldier, you can appear as a convict, and subsequently we might make a further alteration, and allow our friend of the Admiralty to try some oakum-picking." But both the First Lord and the Secretary of State raised objections. ”

“ Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, eh? Notice how I tumbled to him?
The S.A. (with superiority) . I heard you, o' course, but, as I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it delicate enough! When you've been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much of human nature, you'll begin to understand how important it is to 'ave tact. ”

“ The S.A. Well, you may as well keep what little you 'ave got, Sir. Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital thing, Sir. Known it answer in the most desprit cases. Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny sizes. Can I 'ave the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny one, Sir? (The Bald Customer musters up moral courage to decline, at which the Assistant appears disgusted with him.) No, Sir? Much obliged, Sir. Let me see— (with a touch of sarcasm) —you part your 'air a one side, I think, Sir? ”

“ Members will now withdraw." So they strode forth, clothed with innocence. PULESTON first, with ghastly smile on his face; BURDETT-COUTTS next, wondering what they would think of this in Stratton Street; PELLY bringing up the rear, the forlornest file that ever passed between ranks of jeering spectators, slowly making their way from So-on to So-forth. Business done.—None. ”

“ Committee of Supply accordingly postponed, and Members begin chatting about Gresham College, admitting in course of conversation that there is nothing to talk about, since Government have adopted suggestion of objectors to scheme.
Business done.—None.
Friday.—MACNEILL the Avenger to the front again, with his Motion about the Siberian Exiles. "JEMMY" LOWTHER, in most judicial manner, supports Motion, that votes of PELLY, PULESTON and BURDETT-COUTTS on Mombasa Affair shall be struck out. Prince ARTHUR argues on other side; Mr. G. throws weight of his authority into scale against the Exiles ”

“ The Bald Customer feebly declines this meretricious adornment.
The Loq. Ass. (to his subject) . Know Mr. PARIS PATTERTON of the Proscenium Theatre, Sir? 'E's 'ad to call in our Guv'nor, Sir. 'Is 'air's comin, off, Sir, dreadful, Sir. The Guv'nor's been tryin' a noo wash on his 'ed. ”

“ The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage descends and resolutely steps upon the Blackbeetle. Curtain.
ENTÊTEMENT BRITANNIQUE. RONDEAU.
Mal à la tête, ennui, migraine,
We risk in trying to explain
Why, though the Income-tax is high,
This country never can supply
Such galleries as line the Seine. ”