W. C. Tuttle

“ We ties th’ badger to uh pole, which me and Magpie packs, and Mighty leads Abe and his bellyache with uh rope. Big Foot’s prospect ain’t been worked fer so long that it’s all grown up ag’in and looks like uh natcheral cave.
“Here’s th’ idea,” states Magpie. “We’ll put th’ bear and badger in th’ ol’ tunnel. Then we’ll git th’ perfessor and his outfit to come over and see us separate them. We’ll keep that alleged cub over to th’ cabin long enough to satisfy th’ perfessor. Sabe?” ”

“ Them animiles shore do admire to take yuh apart.”
I cooked supper that night. One thing in my favor was th’ fact that th’ perfessor’s wife is too hungry and tired to make any suggestions. I ain’t no dog-gone French cook, but I shore hates to have uh fe-male person tell me how to cook beans. We worries through supper without no casualties, and after we gits through, Mrs. Per-fessor goes to bed on my bunk, and th’ rest of us sets out in front of th’ cabin and smokes uh while.
“My man,” sez th’ perfessor to Magpie, “it is my desire to investigate the grizzly theory tomorrow morning. ”

“ It cures anything. Never knew anybody to ask fer uh second helpin’, but it shore is uh whole medicine chest fer uh prospector. It’s jist as good fer penumonia as it is fer uh busted leg, and I knowed uh feller oncet who kept th’ pack-rats out of his cabin by jist pastin’ th’ label off uh bottle on his front door. Achin’ teeth is jist uh vacation chore to that medicine.
Th’ next mornin’ me and Magpie goes over to do uh li’l work on th’ crick, and th’ doc goes off across th’ hills with his shotgun. Th’ perfessor and th’ badger gits busy watchin’ each, other ag’in. ”

“ They helps me hog-tie that badger, and then Mighty complains uh heap about his pet.
“Ike, yuh ought to be careful about Abe,” sez he. “There wa’n’t no sense in gittin’ him all excited thataway. Mebby he’ll have uh relapse, and I ain’t got uh liver pill left. He’s uh sick animile.”
“Th’ —— he is!” sez I. “He tore my pants off, and almost clears th’ cabin in one jump, so I don’t reckon he’s so danged bad off. We got female folks at our house, so I reckon yuh better loan me uh pair uh pants to go home in, Mighty.” ”

“ All th’ time we’re pilgrimin’ down to Mighty’s wickiup he’s ponderin’ on uh place to stake out that bear.
“Better git th’ cub and it’s mama before yuh rents uh bungaloo fer ’em,” I advises. “I feels that there’s liable to be many uh slip from th’ grizzly to th’ perfessor. I needs that two hundred, Magpie, but when it comes to gittin’ into trouble, Ike Harper is neutral.”
This here li’l ol’ goat-headed Jones party sticks his head out of his cabin door and stares at me and Magpie. He don’t look friendly a-tall. ”

“ Perfessor.
“Also set in his ways,” states th’ doc, lightin’ one uh them dude cigarets, which smells like th’ place where uh circus has jist moved away. “All I hope is that I get some good shooting.”
“If th’ perfessor interviews uh fe-male grizzly and fambly, yuh shore stand uh good chance uh gittin’ yore wish,” sez I. “Unpack them long-sufferin’ jackasses and make yoreself to home. Th’ hills is yours.”
“Unpack?” asks th’ perfessor. “Do you mean to remove the impedimenta from the backs of our beasts of burden?”
“Bein’ funny is a art,” states Magpie, “but art ain’t appreciated here in th’ hills. ”

“ When uh two hundred and fifty pound fe-male occupies yore three by six bunk, and fills th’ air with snores which resembles th’ grunts of uh hungry bear trying to coax uh fat grub out of uh rotten stump, it’s jist human nature to grab uh blanket and move out in th’ brush. Th’ doc crawls into his sleepin’-bag alongside th’ cabin, but me and Magpie holes up down near th’ crick. ”

“ That herd of Rocky Mountain canaries cuts loose right over our recumbent forms and scares delirious delight out of our feelin’s fer uh minute. They jist orates one short, “Ha-a-aaw!” and then quits cold.
We stands erect in our blankets and sez things to them jacks, but they jist nods in th’ gloom, and wiggles their ears. They sorta surrounds us, and won’t go away. Not bein’ in need uh any more music, we gits peevish like.
“Let’s go over across th’ crick,” sez Magpie. “Them blasted animile Carusos is too friendly, and it’s uh cinch they’ll stay on this side of th’ crick.” ”

“ We shore could, only fer several reasons. Mighty’s animile happens to be uh brown bear and, bein’ as its name is Abe, it don’t stand to reason that its got any maternal instinct, much less uh cub. And what is uh heap more to th’ point, Magpie: Mighty would perforate anybody what bothered that brute. If Mighty had about twice as much sense as he’s got he’d be half-witted, and I argues that uh fool and uh shotgun is dangerous. Them’s my sentiments, Magpie. Th’ whole thing is crazy. Yore all crazy, Magpie. Th’ perfessor is loco, th’ doc is likewise afflicted and Mrs. ”

“ Every man in Piperock holds up their hands and swears that they ain’t competent, so what could I do? You and Ike shore must be. I reckon th’ perfessor can tell yuh what he wants, Magpie. I hates to deprive yuh of my company, but I’m uh right busy man. ”

“ We’ll stick Abe and his imitation cub inside an’ block th’ door. By th’ time we git back they’ll be friendly ag’in.”
“Abie’s bellyache—” begins Mighty, but Magpie shuts him up.
“Gosh A’mighty, you gives me uh pain! No wonder that pore bear’s got uh stummick ache. You’d give uh wooden Injun th’ pip, Mighty. Mebby if yuh quits givin’ him all them patent medicines he’d be uh heap better bear and last longer. That stuff’s causin’ all his hair to come out. If yuh don’t quit he won’t even make uh decent rug.” ”

“ Jist because we’re merely accessories to th’ fact don’t affect th’ gray matter in th’ skull of uh she-grizzly.
“All men looks alike to her. Mebby she’d shy at th’ perfessor, but I’m bettin’ that uh rear view of th’ ol’ boy goin’ up uh tree or doin’ th’ vanishin’ act over uh hill might fool uh mad grizzly into thinkin’ she was chasin’ uh real, honest-to-grandma man. Uh course she’d find out her mistake, but by that time it’s too late to rectify it. No self-respectin’ rattler’d bite him, either, but yuh got to figger that nobody ever met uh self-respectin’ rattler. ”

“ Better git back to bed before he mistakes yuh fer uh white owl.”
“Yeaus. Exactly,” agrees th’ ol’ coot, and he limps back. Magpie is uh bit damp, but th’ night is warm, so he states that he’d rather sleep thataway than to take uh chance on goin’ near th’ cabin.
We sleeps some late th’ next mornin’, and th’ first thing we hears is that blamed shotgun. Somewhere up th’ gulch th’ doc is tearin’ holes in th’ solitude. We ambles up to th’ cabin, and finds Mrs. Perfessor settin’ on th’ steps. Honest to grandma, she’s uh sight. ”

“ I has uh feelin’ that all our good works is ravelin’ out.”
We gits almost to th’ cabin when we sees th’ perfessor. He’s settin’ on th’ ground near where th’ badger was tied to uh tree, but there ain’t no sign of th’ badger, and Abe ain’t in sight. ”

“ Th’ doc ambles back to his bed, and we recovers Magpie’s blanket. It jist missed uh watery grave.
“Gosh,” sez Magpie. “Missed with both barrels at ninety feet. Let’s go over in th’ brush and sleep. Mebby them jacks will wail ag’in, and yuh can’t expect uh feller to miss every time with uh scatter-gun.”
“Was it uh female?” asks uh husky voice behind us, and there stands th’ perfessor in uh white nightie, on one foot, while he industriously picks cactus out of th’ other. He looks like th’ ghost of some hy-iu white crane. ”

“ He digs down in th’ pockets of his huntin’ coat, and dumps uh pile uh birds on th’ ground.
“Blue grouse,” he pronounces. “I found a fine flock of them up th’ gulch. Can we have them for breakfast, Mister Harper?” ”