W. W. Jacobs

“ THE NEST EGG
"Artfulness," said the night-watch-man, smoking placidly, "is a gift; but it don't pay always. I've met some artful ones in my time—plenty of 'em; but I can't truthfully say as 'ow any of them was the better for meeting me." ”

“ Cook. "Don't you worry; it's in a safe place."
"Sailormen are always being robbed," ses George Smith, who 'ad been helping young Bill with 'is sums while they 'ad gone to look at the shop. "There's more sailormen robbed than all the rest put together."
"They won't rob Charlie," ses Mrs. Cook, pressing 'er lips together. "I'll take care o' that."
Charlie tried to laugh, but 'e made such a queer noise that young Bill made a large blot on 'is exercise-book, and old Cook, wot was lighting his pipe, burnt 'is fingers through not looking wot 'e was doing. ”

“ And I'd let 'em go on and on until I thought I had 'ad about enough, and then turn round on 'em. Nobody ever got the better o' me except my wife, and that was only before we was married. Two nights arterwards she found a fish-hook in my trouser-pocket, and arter that I could ha' left untold gold there—if I'd ha' had it. It spoilt wot some people call the honey-moon, but it paid in the long run.
One o' the worst things a man can do is to take up artfulness all of a sudden. ”

“ They walked back 'ome like a funeral procession, and Emma 'ad to keep saying "H's!" in w'ispers to 'er mother all the way.
"I don't know wot Charlie does want, I'm sure," ses Mrs. Cook, taking off 'er bonnet as soon as she got indoors and pitching it on the chair he was just going to set down on.
"It's so awk'ard," ses old Cook, rubbing his 'cad. "Fact is, Charlie, we pretty near gave 'em to understand as we'd buy it."
"It's as good as settled," ses Mrs. Cook, trembling all over with temper.
"They won't settle till they get the money," ses Charlie. ”

“ Cook, very sharp.
"I didn't expect to 'ave the pleasure o' seeing you 'ere, my lad," ses Jack, still staring at Charlie, and twisting 'is face up into awful scowls. "Which is Emma Cook?"
"Miss Cook is my name," ses Emma, very sharp. "Wot d'ye want?"
"Very good," ses Jack Bates, looking at Charlie agin; "then p'r'aps you'll do me the kindness of telling that lie o' yours agin afore this young lady."
"It's the truth," ses Charlie, looking down at 'is plate.
"If somebody don't tell me wot all this is about in two minutes, I shall do something desprit," ses Mrs. Cook, getting up. ”