active 1635-1671 Humphrey Crouch

“ Tom watched where she flung them, and when he took his leave of his hostess, it was at such a time when she was busy setting bread into the oven, so that he was sure she could not look after him. So he goes and wraps the turkeys in his coat, and away he runs; but finding his two turkeys [Pg 6] heavy, he sees a man that sold tobacco up and down the country, at the foot of a hill, when he alighted to lead his horse down the hill, at the bottom of which he falls down, and lies crying as if he had broke one of his legs, and makes to the man a most piteous lamentation ”

“ Tom heard of a company of women that would meet at the place a house-warming, to welcome one of the house. These women had formerly abused Tom, and now he thought to be even with them, so he goes to an apothecary's shop, buys a pound of purging comfits, and puts them in a cake with other spices, and dresses himself in women's apparel, and gets a horse and a pannel, and to the house he comes, knocks at the door, and asked the maid, whether there were many women, came a house-warming? ”

“ When he came again, seeing all the ale and spice gone, he says, Gentlemen, will you know why my horse carried me to the gallows? Yes, says one of them, Well, says Tom, it was to fetch you some spice to your ale, and if you want I have more for you; and with that shewed them the chips out of his pocket, and away he runs, leaving the gentlemen to look one upon another, studying how they should be revenged on him. ”

“ The man knowing the knight, and thinking Tom's leg had really been broken, with much ado lifted him upon the horse. Tom was mounted, he prayed the man to give him his master's turkeys. Tom made the horse to gallop away, crying out, I shall be killed! I shall be killed! ”

“ So Tom went and gave the man five shillings for the hire of the horse, and spends the other five shillings freely upon him: by that time the day was very nigh spent, so that the man could get no further that night, but Tom and his companions took their leaves and returned home and the man went his way to bed little suspecting the trick Tom had put upon him. In the morning, the man rising betimes, thinking to be gone, could have but one horse, unless he paid ten shillings, for Tom had left word with his host, that paying the money, he should have both horses. ”

“ Tom told him, That he should hear that he would amend his life, if he would pardon his fault. The mayor said that for their misdemeaners, they should be that night in prison, and upon amendment, being neighbours, he would release them in the morning. They thanked the mayor, and Tom Tram prevailed so far with a friend of his that he borrowed three shillings; which three shillings he spent upon his fellow prisoners, which made the poor men be ruled by him, and do what he enjoined them to do ”

“ Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country fellow on the highway, and would needs tell him his fortune: amongst other things, they bad him assure himself his worst misfortunes were past, and that he would not be troubled with crosses as he had been: so coming home, and having [Pg 22] sold the cow at the market, he look'd in his purse for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he found not so much as one cross in his purse ”

“ But Tom whispered to his consorts, and wished them [Pg 8] to ply the man with drink; whilst he, in the mean time, went to the host, and told him. They came to be merry, and money was short with him and desired he would lend him ten shillings upon his horse. ”

“ I pray says Tom, take this cake, and if I come not at the meeting, let them eat it and be merry; for I must go to a woman that is ready [Pg 11] to lie down, and away he goes. The women came, and wondered what woman it should be that left that cake ”

“ O mother, quoth he, you told me it was proclaimed, That all those that would not work, must be whipp'd; and I have often seen our pots work so hard, that they have foamed so much at the mouth, that they befouled all the house where they stood ”