Mr Vanslyperken

“ Mr Vanslyperken walked up to where the corporal lay as quiet, but not quite so small, as a mouse. It occurred to Mr Vanslyperken that a little taste of punishment in esse would very much assist the threats of what might be received in posse; so he laid aside his speaking-trumpet, looked round, picked up a handspike, and raising it above his head, down it came, with all the force of the lieutenant's arm, upon Corporal Van Spitter, whose carcass resounded like a huge kettle-drum. ”

“ It was, to his imagination, unearthly, for he had been troubled with wild dreams about Smallbones, and his appearance to the corporal. It sounded like thunder, and Mr Vanslyperken thought that he could plainly make out, "Mortal man! mortal man!" and, at times, the other words of the supernatural intimation to the corporal. The mortal man was drawn out in lengthened cadence, and in a manner truly horrible. Vanslyperken called out, "Mor--tal--man," was the reply.
Again Vanslyperken almost shrieked in a perspiration of fear. ”

“ A beautiful widow with a handsome fortune--how could he ever have thought of throwing himself away upon such a bunch of deformity as the Frau Vandersloosh? Poor Mr Vanslyperken! Dinner put an end to his protestations. He fared sumptuously, and drank freely to please the widow. He drank death to the usurper, and restoration to the King James. What a delightful evening! The widow was so amiable, so gentle, so yielding, so, so, so--what with wine and love, and fifty guineas in his pocket, Mr Vanslyperken was so overcome with his feelings, that at last he felt but so so. ”

“ On his arrival on the quarter-deck Vanslyperken was received by the captain of the frigate, and then presented to King William of Nassau, who was standing on the other side of the deck, attended by the Duke of Portland, Lord Albemarle, and several others of his courtiers, not all of them quite so faithful as the two whom we have named.
When Mr Vanslyperken was brought forward to the presence of his majesty, he trembled almost as much as when he had beheld the supposed spirit of Smallbones; and well he might, for his conscience told him, as he bowed his knee, that he was a traitor. ”

“ Vanslyperken wiped the perspiration off his forehead, and made no reply.
"You call yourself a gentleman, and not drink the health of the lady of the house!" cried virago Mrs Slamkoe. "I'll hargue this point with you again."
The same never-failing argument was used, and Mr Vanslyperken drank Mrs Salisbury's health in a glass of the port wine which he was to have the pleasure of paying for.
"I must say, Mr Vanslyperken," said Moggy, "it was very hard for to wish to flog my poor Jemmy for singing a song which you have just now been singing yourself." ”

“ I can take mine piple oath of it," replied the corporal.
"Damnation!" cried Vanslyperken; "but stop--mortal man--perhaps he may be hurt by woman."
"Dat is quite anoder ting, mynheer."
"He shan't escape if I can help it," retorted Vanslyperken. "I must think about it." Vanslyperken poured out another glass of scheedam, and pushed the stone bottle to the corporal, who helped himself without ceremony. Mr Vanslyperken was now about two-thirds drunk, for he was not used to such a quantity of spirits. ”

“ Vanslyperken seized the letter as soon as it was produced, and passing by the woman, went into the dining-parlour, where, with feelings of anxiety, he sat down, brushed the perspiration from his forehead, and read as follows:
"My dear, dear, ever dear Mr Vanslyperken,
"Pity me, pity me, O pity me! Alas! how soon is the cup of bliss dashed from the lips of us poor mortals. I can hardly write, hardly hold my pen, or hold my head up. I cannot bear that, from my hand, you should be informed of the utter blight of all our hopes which blossomed so fully. Alas! alas! but it must be. ”

“ We will settle this matter by-and-bye," cried Vanslyperken, pouring down with indignation the proffered glass.
"Now, Susan, don't ill-treat Mr Vanslyperken: I purtest against all ill-treatment."
"Ill-treat, Mrs Salisbury! I am only giving him a lesson in purliteness."
"Now, Mr What-the-devil's-your-name, you must drink off a glass of my burnt brandy, or I shall be jealous," cried another; "and when I am jealous I always takes to red-hot pokers." Resistance was in vain, the poker was again taken from between the bars, and the burnt brandy went down. ”

“ Ven you hang, she and I vill all hang together; now you comprehend?"
"Yes," replied Vanslyperken, "I do now: but how could you trust such people?"
"Trust such people, Mr Vanslyperken? If you prove as true as those peoples, vy all de bitter; now go avay--go to bed--you have vaked up all the peoples here. Good night, Mr Leeftenant;" and the Jew led the way to the door, and let Vanslyperken out.
"So then," thought Vanslyperken, as he pursued his way down to the Point, "that woman and her husband are--damnation, but I've a great mind to discover all, if it's only to hang them." ”

“ It was the first time that he had been a murderer. He was pale as ashes. He felt sick, and he staggered to his cupboard, poured out a tumbler of scheedam, and drank it off at a draught. This recovered him, and he again felt brave. He returned on deck, and ordered his boat to be manned, which was presently done. Mr Vanslyperken would have given the world to have gone aft, and to have looked over the stern, but he dared not; so, pushing the men into the boat, he slipped in, and was pulled on shore. ”

“ His mother, too, attracted a share of his reminiscences; the old woman would soon die, and then he would have all that she had saved. Smallbones occasionally intruded himself, but that was but for a moment. And Mr Vanslyperken walked away very well satisfied, upon the whole, with his esse and posse. He wound up by flattering himself that he should wind up with the savings of his mother, his half-pay, the widow’s guilders, and his own property—altogether it would be pretty comfortable. But we leave him and return to Corporal Van Spitter. ”

“ Such were the different resolves and decisions which occupied the mind of Mr Vanslyperken until he dropped his anchor at Amsterdam, when he ordered his boat to go on shore, and gave positive directions to Dick Short that no one was to leave the cutter on any pretence, for he was determined that as the widow would not have his company, she should not have the profits arising from his men spending their money at her house. ”

“ The next day, Mr Vanslyperken went on shore, to put into his mother's charge the money which he had received from Ramsay, and narrated all that had passed--how Smallbones had swallowed two-pennyworth of arsenic with no more effect upon him than one twinge in his stomach, and how he now fully believed that nothing would kill the boy. ”

“ Mr Vanslyperken had been so much upset by the events of the day, that he had quite forgotten to deliver the letters entrusted to him to the care of the Jew Lazarus; weighty indeed must have been the events which could have prevented him from going to receive money.
He threw himself on his bed with combined feelings of rage and mortification, and slept a feverish sleep in his clothes. ”

“ I make no head or tail of do business,” said the corporal; as he walked forward “but I must know do truth soon; I not go to bed for two or three hours, and den I hear others.”
It is needless to say that Mr Vanslyperken passed a restless night, not only from the pain of his wound, but from the torments of conscience; for it is but by degrees that the greatest villain can drive away its stings, and then it is but for a short time, and when it does force itself back upon him, it is with redoubled power. ”

“ Mr Vanslyperken was transfixed—the parties were too busy with their amorous interchange to perceive his presence: at last the corporal thought that his lips required moistening with a little of the beer of the widow’s own brewing, for the honey of her lips had rather glued them together—he turned towards the table to take up his tumbler, and he beheld Mr Vanslyperken.
The corporal, for a moment, was equally transfixed; but on these occasions people act mechanically because they don’t know what to do. The corporal had been well drilled ”

“ Mr Vanslyperken gradually, and snapped his fingers: not content with that, he flew at him, and tore the shirt of his great-coat clean off, and also the hinder part of his trousers, for Mr Vanslyperken immediately turned tail, and the dog appeared resolved to have his tail as well as that of his darling cur. Satisfied with about half a yard of broadcloth as a trophy, the dog returned to his former situation, and remained with the tail of the coat and the tail of the cur before him, with his fierce eyes fixed upon Mr Vanslyperken, who had now retreated to a greater distance. ”

“ That the corporal's vision was no fiction, was evident--the lad was not to be hurt by mortal man; but although the widow's arsenic had failed, Mr Vanslyperken, in his superstition, accounted for it on the grounds that the woman was not the active agent on the occasion, having only prepared the herring, it not having been received from her hands by Smallbones. ”

“ But Mr Vanslyperken was in no pleasant humour, and ordered the cutter to be hove-to.
“I tink de men have pull enough all night,” said Jansen, who had just been relieved at the wheel, to Obadiah Coble, who was standing by him on the forecastle.
“I think so too: but there’ll be a breeze, depend upon it—never mind, the devil will have his own all in good time.” ”

“ The ring at the bell particularly concerned two people, the two culprits, Smallbones and Corporal Van Spitter.
The latter made his appearance; but previous to his answering the bell, Mr Vanslyperken had time to reflect. "So they think my dog is supernatural," said he; "so much the better. I'll make them believe it still more." Mr Vanslyperken called the dog, and pointed to his bed. The dog, who was fond of a warm berth, and but seldom allowed to get on the bed, immediately jumped up into it when invited, and Mr Vanslyperken patted him, and covered him up with the bedclothes. ”

“ I went out to the Nab buoy, and a mile ayond it."
"The Nab buoy!" exclaimed Vanslyperken.
"Yes, and ayond it, afore the tide turned, and then I were swept back again, and came into harbour again, just half-an-hour afore you come aboard."
Mr Vanslyperken looked aghast; the lad must have had a charmed life. Nine miles at least out to sea, and nine miles back again.
"It's as true as I stand here, sir," continued Smallbones; "I never were so cold in all my life, a-floating about like a bit of duck-weed with the tide, this way and that way." ”

“ During the passage, which was very quick, Mr Vanslyperken amused himself as usual, in copying the letters to Ramsay, which contained the most important intelligence of the projects of the Jacobites, and, from the various communications between Ramsay and the conspirators, Vanslyperken had also been made acquainted with the circumstance hitherto unknown to him, of the existence of the caves above the cove, where he had been taken to by the informer, as mentioned in the early part of this work, and also of the names of the parties who visited it. ”

“ Since he had been appointed to the Yungfrau, he had been employed in carrying despatches to the States-General from King William, and had, during his repeated visits to the Hague, made acquaintance with the widow Vandersloosh, who kept a Lust Haus [1] , a place of resort for sailors, where they drank and danced. Discovering that the comfortably fat landlady was also very comfortably rich, Mr Vanslyperken had made advances, with the hope of obtaining her hand and handling her money. ”

“ As soon as they were in the room, Mr Vanslyperken said, "Here is the biscuit, good woman, and much good may it do you."
"It's very kind of you, sir, and many thanks. It's not often that people are charitable now-a-days, and this has been a hard winter for poor folk. Put the bag down there, my good little fellow," continued the old hypocrite, addressing Smallbones.
"And now, good woman, I shall leave my lad with you, till I come back. I have to call at a friend's, and I need not take him. Smallbones, stay here till I return; get the biscuit out of the bag, as we must take that on board again." ”

“ Yet one must be sacrificed. No, he could part with neither. "I have it," thought he; "I will make the widow believe that I have sacrificed the dog, and then, when I am once in possession, the dog shall come back again, and let her say a word if she dares; I'll tame her; and pay her off for old scores."
Such was the determination of Mr Vanslyperken, as he walked back to the boat. His reverie was, however, broken by his breaking his nose against a lamp-post, which did not contribute to his good-humour. "Yes, yes, Frau Vandersloosh, we will see," muttered Vanslyperken ”

“ At present, it is necessary that you sail for England as soon as our despatches are ready, which will be before midnight; you will then receive your orders from the admiral, at Portsmouth, and I have no doubt you will take the opportunity of affording us fresh proofs of your fidelity and attachment.”
Mr Vanslyperken bowed humbly and retired, delighted with the successful result of his manoeuvre, and with a gay heart he leaped into his calash, and drove off.
“Yes, yes,” thought he, “Madam Vandersloosh, you would betray me. We shall see. Yes, yes, we shall see, Madam Vandersloosh.” ”

“ The research involved is not profound, but the machinations of Jacobite conspirators provide appropriate material for the construction of an adventure plot and for the exhibition of a singularly despicable villain. Mr Vanslyperken and his acquaintances, male and female, at home and abroad, are all--except perhaps his witch-like mother--thoroughly life-like and convincing: their conduct is sufficiently probable to retain the reader's attention for a rapid and exciting narrative. ”