Much Ado About Nothing

“ I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviours to love, will, after he hath laugh'd at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love; and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabor and the pipe. I have known when he would have walk'd ten mile afoot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashion of a new doublet. ”

“ O! that I were a man for his sake, or that I had any friend would be a man for my sake! But manhood is melted into curtsies, valour into compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and trim ones too: he is now as valiant as Hercules, that only tells a lie and swears it. I cannot be a man with wishing, therefore I will die a woman with grieving.
BENEDICK.
Tarry, good Beatrice. By this hand, I love thee.
BEATRICE.
Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it.
BENEDICK.
Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath wronged Hero? ”

“ BEATRICE.
The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be not wooed in good time: if the Prince be too important, tell him there is measure in everything, and so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero: wooing, wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinquepace: the first suit is hot and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full as fantastical; the wedding, mannerly modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes Repentance, and with his bad legs, falls into the cinquepace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave. ”

“ The truth is that one must not make too much of anything in life, good or bad.” ”

“ ANTONIO.
[To Hero.] Well, niece, I trust you will be ruled by your father.
BEATRICE.
Yes, faith; it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy, and say, ‘Father, as it please you:’— but yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy, and say, ‘Father, as it please me.’
LEONATO.
Well, niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.
BEATRICE.
Not till God make men of some other metal than earth. Would it not grieve a woman to be over-mastered with a piece of valiant dust? to make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl? ”

“ LEONATO.
I would fain know what you have to say.
VERGES.
Marry, sir, our watch tonight, excepting your worship’s presence, ha’ ta’en a couple of as arrant knaves as any in Messina.
DOGBERRY.
A good old man, sir; he will be talking; as they say, ‘when the age is in, the wit is out.’ God help us! it is a world to see! Well said, i’ faith, neighbour Verges: well, God’s a good man; and two men ride of a horse, one must ride behind. An honest soul, i’ faith, sir; by my troth he is, as ever broke bread; but God is to be worshipped: all men are not alike ”

“ How dost thou, Benedick the married man?
Beat. I'll tell thee what, prince; a college of wit-crackers cannot flout me out of my humour: Dost thou think I care for a satire, or an epigram? No: if a man will be beaten with brains, he shall wear nothing handsome about him: In brief, since I do purpose to marry, I will think nothing to any purpose that the world can say against it; and therefore never flout at me for what I have said against it; for man is a giddy thing, and this is my conclusion.—For thy part, Claudio, I did think to have beaten thee ”

“ ANTONIO.
Content yourself. God knows I lov’d my niece;
And she is dead, slander’d to death by villains,
That dare as well answer a man indeed
As I dare take a serpent by the tongue.
Boys, apes, braggarts, Jacks, milksops!
LEONATO.
Brother Anthony,—
ANTONIO.
Hold you content. What, man! I know them, yea,
And what they weigh, even to the utmost scruple,
Scambling, out-facing, fashion-monging boys,
That lie and cog and flout, deprave and slander,
Go antickly, show outward hideousness,
And speak off half a dozen dangerous words,
How they might hurt their enemies, if they durst ”

“ And if, says he, thou wilt but observe it, great Part of our Life passes away while we are doing what is ill; the greatest Part, while we are doing nothing, and the whole of it while we are doing that which is to no Purpose. ”

“ HERO.
Good Margaret, run thee to the parlour;
There shalt thou find my cousin Beatrice
Proposing with the Prince and Claudio:
Whisper her ear, and tell her, I and Ursala
Walk in the orchard, and our whole discourse
Is all of her; say that thou overheard’st us,
And bid her steal into the pleached bower,
Where honey-suckles, ripen’d by the sun,
Forbid the sun to enter; like favourites,
Made proud by princes, that advance their pride
Against that power that bred it. There will she hide her,
To listen our propose. This is thy office ”

“ Hero. I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good husband.
D. Pedro. And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know: thus far can I praise him: he is of a noble strain, of approved valour, and confirm'd honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick:—and I, with your two helps, will so practise on Benedick, that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer; his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods. ”

“ Your loving friend, Benedick.
Bene. Nay, mock not, mock not: The body of your discourse is sometime guarded with fragments, and the guards are but slightly basted on neither: ere you flout old ends any further, examine your conscience; and so I leave you.
[Exit Benedick.]
Claud.
My liege, your highness now may do me good.
D. Pedro.
My love is thine to teach; teach it but how,
And thou shalt see how apt it is to learn
Any hard lesson that may do thee good.
Claud.
Hath Leonato any son, my lord?
D. Pedro.
No child but Hero, she's his only heir:
Dost thou affect her, Claudio? ”

“ LEONATO.
Where is but a humour or a worm?
BENEDICK.
Well, everyone can master a grief but he that has it.
CLAUDIO.
Yet say I, he is in love.
DON PEDRO.
There is no appearance of fancy in him, unless it be a fancy that he hath to strange disguises; as to be a Dutchman today, a Frenchman tomorrow; or in the shape of two countries at once, as a German from the waist downward, all slops, and a Spaniard from the hip upward, no doublet. Unless he have a fancy to this foolery, as it appears he hath, he is no fool for fancy, as you would have it appear he is. ”

“ I have attacks of virtue, I know not why,—moments, when suddenly everything overpowers me, my youth, my life of to-day, my life of to-morrow, and I feel only an infinite pity for myself, and nothing else. ”

“ CLAUDIO.
I had well hoped thou wouldst have denied Beatrice, that I might have cudgelled thee out of thy single life, to make thee a double-dealer; which, out of question, thou wilt be, if my cousin do not look exceeding narrowly to thee.
BENEDICK.
Come, come, we are friends. Let’s have a dance ere we are married, that we may lighten our own hearts and our wives’ heels.
LEONATO.
We’ll have dancing afterward.
BENEDICK.
First, of my word; therefore play, music! Prince, thou art sad; get thee a wife, get thee a wife: there is no staff more reverent than one tipped with horn. ”

“ BEATRICE.
You always end with a jade’s trick: I know you of old.
DON PEDRO.
That is the sum of all, Leonato: Signior Claudio, and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all. I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month, and he heartly prays some occasion may detain us longer: I dare swear he is no hypocrite, but prays from his heart.
LEONATO.
If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn. [To Don John] Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to the Prince your brother, I owe you all duty. ”

“ CLAUDIO.
Disloyal?
DON JOHN.
The word’s too good to paint out her wickedness; I could say, she were worse: think you of a worse title, and I will fit her to it. Wonder not till further warrant: go but with me tonight, you shall see her chamber window entered, even the night before her wedding-day: if you love her then, tomorrow wed her; but it would better fit your honour to change your mind.
CLAUDIO.
May this be so?
DON PEDRO.
I will not think it.
DON JOHN.
If you dare not trust that you see, confess not that you know. If you will follow me, I will show you enough ”

“ The world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.— Here comes Beatrice: By this day, she's a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love in her. ”

“ Signior Leonato, let the friar advise you;
And though you know my inwardness and love
Is very much unto the Prince and Claudio,
Yet, by mine honour, I will deal in this
As secretly and justly as your soul
Should with your body.
Leon.
Being that I flow in grief,
The smallest twine may lead me.
Friar.
'Tis well consented. Presently away;
For to strange sores strangely they strain the cure.
Come, lady, die to live. This wedding day
Perhaps is but prolong'd. Have patience and endure.
[Exeunt all but Benedick and Beatrice.]
Bene.
Lady Beatrice, have you wept all this while? ”

“ Enter Beatrice.
HERO.
Good morrow, coz.
BEATRICE.
Good morrow, sweet Hero.
HERO.
Why, how now? do you speak in the sick tune?
BEATRICE.
I am out of all other tune, methinks.
MARGARET.
Clap’s into ‘Light o’ love’; that goes without a burden: do you sing it, and I’ll dance it.
BEATRICE.
Ye, light o’ love with your heels! then, if your husband have stables enough, you’ll see he shall lack no barnes. ”

“ I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
DON PEDRO.
Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for out of question, you were born in a merry hour.
BEATRICE.
No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. Cousins, God give you joy!
LEONATO.
Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
BEATRICE.
I cry you mercy, uncle. By your Grace’s pardon.
[Exit.]
DON PEDRO.
By my troth, a pleasant spirited lady. ”

“ Lord! I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.
LEONATO.
You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
BEATRICE.
What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel and make him my waiting gentlewoman? He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man; and he that is more than a youth is not for me; and he that is less than a man, I am not for him: therefore I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his apes into hell. ”

“ But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
BORACHIO.
Not so neither; but know, that I have tonight wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress’ chamber window, bids me a thousand times good night,—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter. ”

“ Enter Don Pedro, Claudio and Attendants, with music and tapers.
CLAUDIO.
Is this the monument of Leonato?
A LORD.
It is, my lord.
CLAUDIO.
[Reads from a scroll.]
Epitaph.
Done to death by slanderous tongues
Was the Hero that here lies:
Death, in guerdon of her wrongs,
Gives her fame which never dies.
So the life that died with shame
Lives in death with glorious fame.
Hang thou there upon the tomb,
Praising her when I am dumb. ”

“ With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord; not with love. Prove that ever I lose more blood with love than I will get again with drinking, pick out mine eyes with a ballad-maker's pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel house for the sign of blind Cupid. ”

“ CONRADE.
Marry, sir, we say we are none.
DOGBERRY.
A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you; but I will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah; a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves.
BORACHIO.
Sir, I say to you we are none.
DOGBERRY.
Well, stand aside. Fore God, they are both in a tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?
SEXTON.
Master Constable, you go not the way to examine: you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.
DOGBERRY.
Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way. Let the watch come forth. ”

“ I pray you, tell Benedick of it, and hear what he will say.
LEONATO.
Were it good, think you?
CLAUDIO.
Hero thinks surely she will die; for she says she will die if he love her not, and she will die ere she make her love known, and she will die if he woo her, rather than she will bate one breath of her accustomed crossness.
DON PEDRO.
She doth well: if she should make tender of her love, ’tis very possible he’ll scorn it; for the man,—as you know all,—hath a contemptible spirit. ”

“ BENEDICK.
Good day, my lord.
DON PEDRO.
Welcome, signior: you are almost come to part almost a fray.
CLAUDIO.
We had like to have had our two noses snapped off with two old men without teeth.
DON PEDRO.
Leonato and his brother. What think’st thou? Had we fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.
BENEDICK.
In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came to seek you both.
CLAUDIO.
We have been up and down to seek thee; for we are high-proof melancholy, and would fain have it beaten away. Wilt thou use thy wit? ”