Henry James Moncreiff

“ Come! let me gently lead thee by the hand into yonder workshop, where, for the modest outlay of two shillings and sixpence, or at most of three shillings of the coin of this realm, thou mayest purchase the shortest of short spoons—there is nothing personal in the name, my friend, it is that of a short and stumpy club—and thus begin, though humbly, a career which cannot but end in a happy, a vigorous, and a contented old age. ”

“ Behold the ball is mounted upon a little pyramid of mud which rejoices in the name of a tee, to the end that the smiter may get the more cleanly at it. A ball is only teed at starting from each hole; after each first stroke the player must hit the ball as he finds it. What an ordeal this is. All that crowd we saw before, ladies, &c., &c., and all kinds of cads, are drawn up in two parallel rows, leaving a vista of certainly not more than five yards. ”

“ And then consider the unspeakable advantages of golf. No toiling, and running, and sweating in the heat of a summer’s day to the end that you may jerk your arms off returning the ball only that the batsman may hit it the harder, and that you may perspire and be sworn at again. ”

“ Unless you hit that ball there is not the remotest chance of its budging an inch of its own accord. At cricket the farther a ball goes (provided it goes not into a field’s hands) the better; may it run for ever, may it go down a well where it may be seen but not touched; may it go out of the ground into the next field. But at golf if you do hit the ball how are you to manage to make it stop when you wish it to do so? You have set the ball in motion, and roll it will, though it be making inevitably for a bunker. ”

“ This day is the medal-day; the day on which all the best gentlemen-players assemble to compete for the blue riband of the golf course. To-night there is going to be a large dinner of the Golf Club. To-morrow night a ball—hence the multitude of ladies and non-golfing gentlemen, this being the only time when the latter are tolerated here. All the houses in the neighbourhood are filled, and so the place is really rather gay. ”

“ There is the real attitude for you, knees together, toes turned in, club grasped firmly but not tightly, adjust it to the ball, bring it slowly up over your shoulder till the head appears, as the Scotch would say, west of your left ear, and then bring it down, shoulders, wrists, backbone, legs, and everything going into the blow. ”

“ He has missed his stroke, and takes five strokes after all to get into the hole. It can’t be helped; but do take care. How fiercely he is scowling at you. Please don’t laugh, or I shall have to take you home again.
I dare say you are not aware of the fact, but golf is one of the most nervous and fidgety games imaginable. Some men cannot hit a ball if any one near them is speaking or moving. And a story is on record regarding an enthusiastic lover of the game, who positively refused to play with a man who had the misfortune to have on a pair of light nankeen inexpressibles. ”

“ The natives usually have hold of something in the shape of a stick, whether it be golf-club, walking-cane, umbrella, hoe, hedge-bill, or spade; whatever it may be, they manipulate it gingerly, wagging it about, and now and then making it whistle through the air. These alarming symptoms are accompanied with a morbid swaying of the body, and wild tossing of the arms. A lamentable indifference is displayed as to the vicinity of their neighbour’s head, or anything that is his. ”

“ And for the benefit of ladies generally let me tell them, with all due deference, that there is no game which they are less qualified to understand than golf, and none at which their presence is so utterly obnoxious and discouraging to the gentlemen whom they deign to patronise. There, now! I have delivered myself of a speech which has long been rankling in my heart, and often hanging on the tip of my tongue. The large man has laid his ball dead in four strokes, and goes in in five. I expect little—shall we say M. for the little man, and B. for the large one?—little M. to hole his ball ”

“ The pair who are about to strike off now are two of the best players on the green. They have hit their balls clear and true, and they have both fallen some way over the road. With their second strokes, if they hit the balls fairly they ought to send them over the burn, into which if he gets, the traveller will have to return with the loss of a stroke. But the safer plan is to play the ball gently up to the edge of the burn with a short club, and then, with your third stroke, you can send it over with an easy blow, which if straight ought to land the ball within a few yards of the hole. ”

“ But one perpetual jubilee of hitting and whacking—the worse the player the more the hitting: a game, my Norman, where you are never put out except in temper, never run, never perspire, never sw—but enough, I see that I have touched you, you yield, you are a proselyte. ”

“ He would have had to strike a ball (anywhere—it did not matter where—probably into the legs of the mob) , and thereafter an entry would have been made in the books of the club to the effect that H.R.H. the Prince of Wales had won the Adelaide medal and the silver club by doing the round of the links in ninety strokes. This solemn announcement will doubtless be received by posterity a century after this with awe and wonder, but implicit belief; and men will sigh over the good old days when Great Britain had a prince athletic enough to thrash all his subjects at the game of golf ”

“ Then her husband is perpetually bringing some fellow-golfer home, without notice, to lunch or dinner, and the two sit talking about their eternal golf, and not a word on any other subject is to be got out of them. The place itself, with the exception of golf, is dull enough, but not through any fault of its own. ”

“ The ball may come against his bat and go off in the slip for three, even supposing that he never moves his bat. But at golf you have an inert lump of gutta-percha lying obstinately motionless in front of you. ”

“ The object of the game is to knock the ball from one hole to another in as few strokes as possible; and whoever goes the round of eighteen holes in fewest strokes wins the medal. The members of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews have just drawn for the order in which they are to play. They play in couples; each man counting the strokes of his immediate opponent and marking them on a card. ”

“ A foursome in which each man implicitly believes in his partner, and is not perpetually watching his adversaries’ proceedings with a critical and jealous eye, is only to be hoped for in a golfing millenium. ”

“ Crowded into a space of 100 yards square is a motley crowd—well-dressed ladies of all ages, badly ditto, old gentlemen, middle-aged gentlemen, young gentlemen, boys, professional players, cads, and blackguards of every description. ”

“ The most ominous sign of all is, when, after his partner has been making a series of mistakes, missing his balls, sending them into bunkers, whins, and burns, the face of the player, which has been previously gloomy and lowering, suddenly and spasmodically brightens up ”

“ Each pair of partners has only one ball between them, which they hit alternately. The game now is, not who will go round the course in the fewest strokes, but who will win most of the holes. That is, as far as strokes go, they start fresh at the beginning of each new hole. ”

“ But do not imagine that the young man is in the habit of travelling about with ten dozen of champagne all handy in the van. As captain of the club he is expected to provide champagne for the ball which you are going to to-morrow night. ”

“ The end and object of all that whacking of balls, swaying of bodies, and stretching of limbs, is to get that small ball into this hole after it has been at the bottom of seventeen other holes in succession. ”

“ Not equally dear is it in the ears of the Scottish gentleman’s spouse and daughters; and that for manifold good reasons. All that you can get them to say about it is, that the air is very bracing, &c. ”