John Cecil Clay

“ JUNE Depression in heart areas, relieved by brief storms which clear the air. A wave of tenderness over all the heart regions, followed by a general warm feeling and the glad ringing of church bells. If you are going to cultivate Matrimony this year, now is the time to begin. Flowery sentiments abound. Increasing warmth produces an atmosphere charged with restlessness in the thickly peopled heart centres. Unsettled weather and clouds, melting away in epistolary showers. ”

“ The higher one climbs the duller the thud. So with the traveller who has been dreaming across sweet meadow land and balmy wastes when suddenly confronted by a renewal of obstacles which his optimism had made him believe passed forever, and it is in a nervous and uncertain state of mind we find him groping his way through the mists that always fill Blue Valley. Here is a great danger, for with the steep mountains on three sides the traveller, if he once stumble from the road, is apt to follow the depression of the valley until morbid and benumbed he wander into the State of Indifference. ”

“ Whether sober or rough,
He’s always a sport,
And we’ll never stop toasting him
Till we’re in port.
A jolly old salt,
Though he smile or he frown.
So here’s to King Neptune!
Fill up! Drink her down! ”

“ To the lovers of Beauty no branch of science offers such varied delights as that of Hearticulture; at the same time no pursuit is so full of disappointments for the inexperienced and pitfalls for the unwary. It is the study of a lifetime; no one can say he is a master of Hearticulture. ”

“ In leaving the plateau one must have a care, for there are two paths quite similar in appearance—one leading up the mountain to nowhere and loneliness, and the other the commencement of the Path of True Love. The careful traveller need not mistake the path, for beside the entrance, at about the height of a man’s heart and nailed to a great Oak, is a crudely fashioned hand with finger pointing the way. ”

“ The Golf Plant (Crawlia Bragadosia) a dull though persistent creeper, related to the Gillieflower, thrives well in September, and indeed in all the Autumn months. It is much fancied by up-to-date gardeners. Like the poison ivy, it is quite innocuous to many people, but to some it is a powerful irritant, causing them to break out in the most violent manner. From the fruit of this plant is distilled a strong stimulant called Bogey, highly prized by its cultivators, but looked upon with contempt by outsiders, who regard the Golf Plant as the greatest pest in the vegetable kingdom. ”

“ A health to King Neptune,
The boss of the wave!
Who sits on the Ocean
And makes it behave.
Come fill up your bumpers
And take a long pull!
When he’s calm he’s not dry—
When he rolls, he’s not full. ”

“ So it seems, with Hope so long deferred, to that tired-eyed struggler upon Love’s Highway, often heartsick and oppressed by the vicissitudes of the way, for here he may rest and, gazing again out over the dear Valley of Dreams, rejuvenate the Yearning, the Ambition, and the Determination that have brought him through so much. ”

“ Enthusiasm is necessary but do not be too impetuous for many a failure has come from rushing ahead while yet conditions are too cold and many a Hope Vine has been killed by a late frost.
If you have started your work indoors do not be in too great haste to set out; young plants need a great deal of warmth and attention and can stand extremely high temperature, while very little cold is apt to be fatal. ”

“ To the Muses’ nine!
THOUGH the lovely Nin
All should pass away
Why should Woman pine,
If but Fashion stay?
THO’ the Muses’ lore
Molder on the shelf,
Still may She adore
In Fashion’s glass—Herself. ”

“ A great deal of time and money have been spent in perfecting this plant and many a sleepless night in raising it. Grows very large in pots, but the blossoms are sometimes slow in opening—sometimes opened by hand—not advisable, however, unless one has a very sure hand—otherwise it is apt to prove an expensive experiment. Grows in great variety. In fact, it is seldom a grower can produce three alike, and if an enthusiast can show four of a kind it is something to be remembered—sometimes with sorrow. ”

“ With its velvety slopes and shaded dells, its little silver rills tinkling down the mountain side, sounding like fairy laughter through the trees, the gently stirring air freighted with the perfume of myriads of fragrant blossoms, and over all a tender rose-colored glow reflected from the soft pinky clouds that forever tenderly rest upon the mountain’s top, it is indeed the most beautiful of nature’s jewels. ”

“ SEPTEMBER Somewhat cooler feeling, and petulent storms more prevalent. Engaging weather becomes unsettled and breaks up. General moistness, followed by downpours, clearing up in some quarters, but generally cloudy and depressed, and the landscape will wear a gloomy and lonely appearance. ”

“ The form of government is Home Rule, and to become a citizen, although born in the country, it is required that at least one complete journey be made from end to end of the country’s principal highway. This at first seems an odd requirement, but there is good reasoning behind it. First, as this great highway, known as the Path of True Love, in its devious windings touches practically every portion of the kingdom—the trip is likely to open the traveller’s eyes and teach him much of the resources and conditions of the country he wishes to call his own. ”

“ There is another variety of the Valentine Plant, much dreaded by Hearticulturists, and unfortunately only too common, known as Valentina Vulgaria. In well-kept gardens it is regarded as a weed and destroyed whenever it appears. The flower is gaudy in color and emits a most offensive odor. A powerful irritant to all the senses, it is to some people quite poisonous, though rarely fatal in its effects. ”

“ Quite a few do, however, begin the ascent, but almost without exception have not the strength to continue and turn back to the main highway, only to be shortly plunged again and again in the cold and caustic waters of the Quarrel River as the road crosses and recrosses it. There are no bridges here, and many a poor traveller becoming exhausted in the mad battle with the current hopelessly loses all self-control and is carried away to be lost in the Sea of Oblivion. ”

“ All but the hardiest plants must be given extreme attention, and many gardeners, to avoid the danger of a frost, sit up far into the night with their favorite plants during this month. But at the best it is apt to be chilly and unpleasant going. The month ends in calm, indifferent weather. ”

“ So faithful, indeed, is the Parasolia in this respect that a distinguished scientist, formerly superintendent of the National Weather Bureau, once confessed (in a private interview printed confidentially in the Evening Post) that his success in telling whether or no the sun were shining was entirely due to his watching the flowers of the Parasolia. ”

“ And rugs are revolving,
He meets us half-way.
Our stay and support,
When we can’t stand alone, [Pg 13]
With the floor for a backer,
We’ll never be thrown.
Here’s to our friend,
In life’s every stage! ”

“ DECEMBER Brighter. Very cold for those outside, but warm on the inside, where there is a tendency to Hot Air. The cheerful sounds of Kissing Larks are heard under the mistletoe branches. Bracing weather everywhere. Excellent for skates, and good slaying for Cupid. About the 25th of the month a terrific shower of gifts and good wishes may be looked for. The month will end in violent Brain Storms.
ADDENDA
NOTE For many years the question has been much discussed as to the value, to Hearticulturists, of Moonlight as a plant food. ”

“ The mountains passed, a smooth bit of road is reached and brighter weather, that, after the lowering clouds, the storms and many obstacles met with in the mountains, will likely mislead the traveller into thinking his troubles over. Light-hearted he will push forward hurriedly, taking little heed of the fast increasing cold. ”

“ In Formal Gardens, the Frillia is not encouraged. There is, however, a variety known as the Washia, or Monday Plant (Laundria Familiensis) , a weekly bloomer, common in Kitchen and Roof gardens. It is best started in tubs; but when ready to put out requires strong poles, supported by which it makes a brave show; but unlike the Hope Vine, it lasts only for a day or two before drying up.
THE WIND FLOWER Brezia Varia
Amoria Family.
THE OVERDUE BILLBERRY PLANT Creditoria Hauntia Epistolaria Family
A persistent and knoxious weed which should be stamped out as soon as it makes its appearance. ”

“ FEBRUARY Generally frigid airs, varied by storms and melting spells, with changing temperature until the Fourteenth, when a soft wave will sweep over the country accompanied by sentimental Mail Storms, resulting in a general rise of temperament and a happier atmosphere. Husbandmen who are cultivating matrimony will be much troubled through this month by the squally nights. ”

“ Fortunately, just at the edge of the map and just upon the longitude of Respect, the road takes a sudden sharp turn, but it is almost from bad to worse, for it plunges the traveller into the Forest of Misunderstanding, a dark and dismal place that will fill the strongest with misgivings. The only way is to stick close to the road. This is sometimes hard in the darkness as there are many by-paths. Travellers once off the correct road have been known to wander for years without once seeing the sunlight. About half way through the forest there is a road turning to the right ”