Samuel Ferguson

“ Not a word more he said nor what I tell you; and, you may believe it or not, but it's the blessed truth that the dog, afther jist tasting the salmon, and spitting it out again, lifted his nose out o' the plate, and stood wid his jaws wathering, and his tail wagging, looking up in his Riv'rence's face, as much as to say, "Give me your absolution, till I hide them temptations out o' my sight."
"There's a dog that knows his duty," says his Riv'rence; "there's a baste that knows how to conduct himself aither in the parlor or the field. ”

“ The dogmas of the Roman Catholic Church, and the folatreries of the philosophers of the high school of nature, differ so widely, that it is impossible for common sense to adopt either the one or the other—and the Greek Church on these points has given no decided opinion! ”

“ Oh, more power to your Grace every day you rise, 'tis you that has broken their Boord into shivers undher your feet! Sure, and isn't it a proud day for Ireland, this blessed feast ov the chair ov Saint Pether? ”

“ But the fact is, that it's the accidents ov the sperits too that's in it, and the reality's passed out through the cortical spacies as you say; for, you may have observed, we've both been in raal good sperits ever since the cork was dhrawn, and where else would the raal sperits come from if they would't come out ov the bottle?"
"Well, then," says the Pope, "since we've got the reality, there's no use throubling ourselves wid the accidents."
"Oh, begad," says his Riv'rence, "the accidents is very essential too ”

“ Divil be in me," says he, "but I'd prove black white as fast as a horse 'ud throt wid only a good stock ov superbaton."
"Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd need to have it backed, I judge, wid a small taste ov assurance."
"Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'rence, "I'll prove it widout aither one or other. [Pg 21] Black," says he, "is one thing and white is another thing. You don't conthravene that? But every thing is aither one thing or another thing; I defy the apostle Paul to get over that dilemma. Well! If any thing be one thing, well and good ”

“ May I never die if my head isn't as throughother as anything wid their ordinals and cardinals—and, begob, its all nothing to the econimy lecthir that I have got to go to at two o'clock. Howandiver, I mustn't forget that we left his Riv'rence and his Holiness sitting fornenst one another in the parlor ov the Vatican, jist afther mixing their second tumbler.
[Pg 17]
When they had got well down into the same, they fell, as I was telling you, into larned discourse. For, you see, the Pope was curious to find out whether Father Tom was the great theologinall that people said ”

“ So, not to be outdone altogether, he says to his Riv'rence, "You're a man that's fond ov the brute crayation, I hear, Misther Maguire?"
"I don't deny it," says his Riv'rence; "I've dogs that I'm willing to run agin any man's, ay, or to match them agin any other dogs in the world for genteel edication and polite manners," says he.
"I'll hould you a pound," says the Pope, "that I've a quadhruped in my possession that's a wiser baste nor any dog in your kennel." ”

“ You see what a bit ov desate will do wid the wisest, [Pg 36] your Holiness—sure it was joking I was, on purpose to aggravate you—all's fair, you know, in love, law, and conthravarsy. In troth if I'd thought you'd have taken it so much to heart, I'd have put my head into the fire afore I'd have said a word to offind you," says he, for he seen that the Pope was very vexed. "Sure, God forbid that I'd say anything agin your Holiness, barring it was in fun: for arn't you the father ov the faithful, and the thrue vicar ov God upon earth? ”

“ In the first, we're to understand that the exprission, 'Every sinsible man,' signifies simply, 'Every man that judges by his nath'ral sinses;' and we all know that nobody folleying them seven deludhers could ever find out the mysthery that's in it, if somebody didn't come in to his assistance wid an eighth sinse, which is the only sinse to be depended on, being the sinse ov the Church. ”

“ I ever and always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till now—and it's no lie I'm telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough enough morsel to break a man's fast upon—and geolidgy is middling and hard too—and hydherastatics is no joke; but ov all the books ov science that ever was opened and shut, that book upon Pilitical Econimy lifts the pins! Well, well, if they wait till they persuade me that taking a man's rints out ov the counthry, and spinding them in forrain parts isn't doing us out ov the [Pg 29] same, they'll wait a long time in troth. ”

“ Send up the housekeeper, I bid yez: I seen her presarving gooseberries in the panthry as I came up: she has eyes as black as a sloe," says he, "and cheeks like the rose in June; and sorra taste ov this celestial mixthir shall crass the lips ov man or mortial this blessed night till she stirs the same up wid her own delicate little finger."
"Misther Maguire," says the Pope, "it's very [Pg 41] unproper ov you to spake that way ov my housekeeper: I won't allow it, sir."
"Honor bright, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, laying his hand on his heart. ”

“ Spring was near a quarther ov a mile behind me, for the childher was delaying him wid bread and butther at the chapel door; when a lump ov a hare jumped out ov the plantations ov Grouse Lodge and ran acrass the road; so I gave the whilloo, and knowing that she'd take the rise ov the hill, I made over the ditch, and up through Mullagheashel as hard as I could pelt, still keeping her in view, but afore I had gone a perch, Spring seen her, and away the two went like the wind, up Drumrewry, and down Clooneen, and over the river, widout his being able ons't to turn her. ”

“ Howandiver he thried to pick a hole in it this way. "Granting," says he, "that there is the differ you say betuxt the reality ov the cork and them cortical accidents, and that it's quite possible, as you allidge, that the thrue cork is really prisint on the end ov the shcrew, while the accidents keep the mouth ov the bottle stopped—still," says he, "I can't undherstand, though willing to acquit you, how the dhrawing ov the real cork, that's onpalpable and widout accidents, could produce the accident ov that sinsible explosion I heard jist now." ”

“ God be wid them days, I say again, for its althered times wid me, I judge, since I got under Carlisle and Whately. Sich sthrictness! sich ordher! sich dhrilling, and lecthiring, and tuthoring as they do get on wid! I wisht to [Pg 39] gracious the one-half ov their rules and rigilations was sunk in the say. And they're getting so sthrict, too, about having fair play for the heretic childher! We've to have no more schools in the chapels, nor masses in the schools. Oh, by this and by that it'll never do at all! The ould plan was twenty times betther ”

“ Then Father Tom held the coal him [Pg 59] self till his Holiness had the pipe lit; and they sat widout saying anything worth mentioning for about five minutes.
At last the Pope says to his Riv'rence: "I dunna what gev me this plaguy hiccup," says he. "Dhrink about," says he—"Begorra," he says, "I think I'm getting merrier nor's good for me. Sing us a song, your Riv'rence," says he. ”

“ Them operations of the sinses," says he, "comprises only particular corporayal emotions, connected wid sartin confused perciptions called sinsations, and isn't to be depended upon at all. If we were to follow them blind guides, we might jist as well turn heretics at ons't. 'Pon my secret word, your Holiness, it's naither charitable nor orthodox ov [Pg 45] you to set up the testimony ov your eyes and ears agin the character ov a clergyman. And now, see how aisy it is to explain all them phwenomena that perplexed you. ”