by Henry Louis Mencken and George Jean Nathan

“ Gentlemen, let us all drink to Rome, the one perfect and immortal Empire—^the model and despair of
other states—the mother of justice—the guardian of civilization! Rome cannot die! Rome forever!
GUESTS
Rome forever!
[They drink stupendous drafts, some of them coming up quite out of breath
[heliogabalus sits down, and offers a sip from his goblet to DACIA. As the others tumble into their places,
there is a turmoil to the left, and CAIus' voice is heard]
CAIUS
[In a hoarse voice, without] Oh, come on, dearie! Don't be afraid! ”

“ But this is no talk for a banquet. If I told you my symptoms you would
fall into faints, with screams of horror. [One of the guests struggles to his feet and makes as if to speak]
Yes, Senator, I have tried that Armenian lithia water. I don't doubt it cured your ringing in the ears, but it
has only made my stomach-ache worse. No more water! I have got down enough water of late to float
Caius' whole fleet. To the sewers with water! What have we here? [He lifts up a goblet and sniffs at it]
Aha! Good red Terentum! Gentlemen, I pledge you! ”

“ DACIA
[Half a whisper] No.
[There ensues a long kiss. The arm of coincidence
provides a dreamy tune from the band behind
the hangings]
HELIOGABALUS
Let us cut the banquet! To hell with the banquet! What do you say?
DACIA
[Like a naughty child] To hell with the banquet!
HELIOGABALUS
[Half to himself] Imagine that Christian— [taking her arm] Come on! [They sneak half-way across the
stage. His eyes feast upon her. He halts a moment] What wonderful hair! ”

“ An intelligent girl, Dacia. And how her nose puckers
when she is a bit—squiffed. Somehow, I— [He empties the goblet and composes himself. The regular
breathing of LUCIA can be heard] This Christianity may be all right in the daytime, but at night—
[Suddenly, from somewhere below the window there comes the soft, low sound of a girl's voice, raised in
song. It is a song of love and passion, and heliogabalus sits up in bed to listen. Toward the end he glances
at LUCIA, scarcely concealing a rising aversion. The song ended, he settles himself, wets his lips, and smiles
amorously] ”

“ I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why don't you go to sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
[Wearily] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble used to be that I didn't get sleep enough.
But now—! [He composes himself heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in bed and
fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and whining] I've got a stomach-ache.
LUCIA
[Raising herself and gazing at him] Are you cold, Caesar?
HELIOGABALUS
[Bitterly] Who'd care if I froze to death? . . . And why do you persist in always calling me Caesar? ”

“ PISO
Do you think the moral movement is really over?
POLORUS
If it isn't, then why this good old-fashioned banquet? Why all the old crowd? Why all the old girls? I
suspect that Paula arranged the whole thing. Have you seen the list of guests?
PISO
No.
POLORUS
Well, not a tank is missing. Every zinc-lined stomach and copper-plated kidney in Rome is here. By the
way, have we got enough stomach-pumps?
PISO
[Indicating them] Here are six. ”

“ DACIA
I think so. But how much?
HELIOGABALUS
That much. [An enormous kiss. Then — helio-GABALUS straightens up, glances at the banquet-room
entrance, and gives a weary sigh] Well, I suppose I must go in. It's really important—a very serious affair
—the first in months. You know why there has been none. I made a lamentable error. I hate bloodshed,
but I really think I'd be justified in—
[SIMON peeps from behind the hangings, his eyes popping]
DACIA
But I'll see you soon? ”

“ PISO
[Irascibly] You? Do you ever cure patients? Oh, my word! It's those infernal powders of yours that
counteract the pills. No wonder he gets worse. I can never give him enough of my pills to catch up with
your powders. If you—
[He is interrupted by the sudden appearance of
SIMON, the Christian giant, from the right. Simon's eyes are staring, and he is evidently labouring under much excitement]
SIMON
[In a sepulchral voice] God be with you!
PISO
[Startled] The same to you. Reverend. But what are you doing here? ”

“ Christian wife. She'll never stand for an old-time banquet.
PISO
Then let us thank all the gods. If Christianity ever actually got on its legs, the doctoring business would go
to pot. All this praying and fasting and going to bed at ten o'clock is fatal to pathology. The aim of
medicine is to save a man from the just consequences of his own vices. If he gives up his vices, then—
POLORUS
But he never does. All he ever comes to is the exchange of one vice for another. This praying that you
mention is a vice. Fasting is a vice. Going to bed at ten o'clock is a vice. ”

“ LUCIA is
the only occupant of the other bed. She is lying near the middle of it, and is thus about 10 feet from
heliogabalus.
HELIOGABALUS, Still holding the scroll in one hand, reaches over, pours out a goblet of water, looks at
it sourly, makes a face, heaves a sigh, and drinks it.
HELIOGABALUS
What stuff! No wonder I've still got the stomachache. [Slowly rolling up the scroll as he gives it a final
scrutiny] Hm—hm—hm— . . .
LUCIA
[After a pause, sleepily] What have you been doing, Caesar? ”

“ HELIOGABALUS,
while this is in progress, sips his wine, and gradually grows very mellow in humour. Now and then he
laughs and claps his hands]
CAIUS
Her dark complexion, gentlemen, signifies death. Wash them, and they are almost white. People think Egyptians are niggers—all a mistake. I knew a girl in Memphis—her name was Saidee—almost as white as anybody. [The girl begins to shed veils] There it is, plain enough. The man is dying. Casting off this
mortal coil. Dying by inches. First his feet, then his arms, then his stomach, then his lungs, then his—and
so on. ”

“ Once and for all time, I have got
enough of it. I am Emperor here, and I must live like an Emperor, not like a slave. This praying shakes my
nerves; water has given me a terrible stomach-ache; I have chills at night.
LUCIA
[Rather weakly] The Word—
HELIOGABALUS
Maybe, but not for me! Damn water! Damn the Christian style of kissing! Damn going to bed at ten
o'clock! Damn—
LUCIA
[Her hands over her ears] Get thee behind me, Satan!
HELIOGABALUS
Satan! So Dacia is a scarlet woman, and I am Satan! And I thought I was Emperor of Rome! ”

“ When loves dies there is never any funeral: the corpse
remains in the house. [Another] A woman in love is less modest than a man: she has less to be ashamed
of. [A longish pause. He takes a deep draught] Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another,
[LUCIA is still silent. He lifts himself to his elbow and regards her contemplatively. He calls her softly]
Lucia! Sweet Lucia! . . . Asleep! [A sigh] Christianity is fatal to the—er— epigram. How Marcia used to
giggle! And little Dacia! Dacia has a sense of humour. ”

“ Perhaps a goblet of wine—
PAULA
[Promptly motioning to rufinius] And you, too.
Pardon me for forgetting. I am all worn out. You doctors have to be up all night, and——
PISO
[Reaching for his goblet] People simply will send for one. I seldom get out of my clothes. [The three drink]
POLORUS
And you were saying that the Emperor——
PAULA
Doctor, you'd hardly believe it. He's so changed I hardly know him——always complaining about his
stomach-aches, and taking pills and things. You know how lively he used to be—always up to some
pleasantry. ”

“ But, my dear! What has the spirit to do with the belly-ache? How can the spirit help a man when he is
doubled up? What could it do for me?
LUCIA
Even you, Caesar. Even you are not beyond the grace of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
[Growing more interested] Do you mean to say that I can be cured by this new magic, this so-called
Christianity?
LUCIA
By Christianity, Caesar, and by the spirit within. Even you may be healed.
HELIOGABALUS
Do you mean without swallowing any more pills?
LUCIA
I know nothing of pills. I know only the work of the Lord. ”

“ CAIUS
Oh, no. I've known that little one for years— sound as a gladiator. Maybe— [He winks] I'd better go and
and—
[He rises wobblingly]
HELIOGABALUS
[Cutting in] And fetch her?
CAIUS
That's it—and fetch her.
[He winks elaborately again and wobbles off, stumbling once or twice over his toga]
HELIOGABALUS
[Rising in his best imperial manner. As he gets to his legs the musicians repeat the massive chord of C
major] Gentlemen, my apologies for my tardiness. The fact is, I didn't know until the last minute if my
health would permit me to join you. ”

“ I won't kill him. All I want to do is to cripple him. [Gets out of bed, but before he can find a
missile, there is yet another knock, this time very urgent, and he gives it up] Come in!
[The door opens ever so little, rufinius thrusts his hand through the crack. When nothing strikes it, he
follows with his head, very warily. As he comes in paula draws in her head]
rufinius Your Majesty's pardon! I ask pardon! ”

“ As PAULA slinks into the peristyle, heliogabalus enters from the triclinium, with dacia on his arm. He is
tall, sallow and apparently somewhat liquored; his bad humour is obvious. He stalks across the stage to
the solium without at word, hands up dacia, and takes his seat beside her with a scowl. He wears a
magnificent toga of imperial purple, with a wide band of cloth-of-gold at the bottom. ”

“ He wears, of course, no toga,
but there are chevrons of imperial purple on the short left sleeve of his tunic, piso and polorus wear the
paenula — a long, plain cape, with a hood not unlike a monk's cowl. Piso's paenula is black, but polorus'
shows the florid colours of a modern bathrobe. PISO is an old man and wears a long white beard; polorus
is younger and wears his clipped, almost in the Van Dyke manner.
RUFINIUS, as soon as the two doctors have come to anchor by the pool, offers them a salver on which
stand two goblets of wine and a dish of peanuts. ”

“ HELIOGABALUS
Calm? How can I be calm with that dog-fight going on in my tummy? My sweet birdie, you underestimate
the effects of matter on mind. I ought to have kissed you an hour ago. It was my duty. ”

“ It's a scheme to get that Christian hussy in—and then keep us out!
HELIOGABALUS
[Darkly, rolling his eye over the group of wivesl. The Christian girl will not be the first. She must take her turn.
CAELESTIS
See! She remains. What did I tell you? [The other wives babble]
HELIOGABALUS
If you are my lawful wives, then she is my lawful wife. I must be just. As Pontifex Maximus I am the incarnation of justice.
PAULA
I am against justice for Christians!
HELIOGABALUS
[Humorously] Exactly. There is always some one that justice doesn't apply to. ”

“ She couldn't even cure my stomach-ache. . . . And now, off with you. I have important
business. I am entertaining the Supreme Bench.
PAULA
[Defiantly] It is your duty to turn her out.
CAELESTIS
It is your duty to—
ANOTHER WIFE
It is your duty—
HELIOGABALUS
[Irritably] Duty! Duty! Always my duty! Well, it is my duty to—
PAULA
Do your duty and you'll be happy.
HELIOGABALUS
A fallacy, my dill pickle. Duty may make a man able to stand a thing, but it never makes him enjoy it. Now
good-night.
[He shoos them toward the door, left]
PAULA
I object! I protest! ”

“ This is the regular size for elephants and gladiators. Now—there you are—down with it!
[He hands CAius the beaker. CAius downs it at a fearful gulp, and comes up spluttering and rolling his
eyes]
CAIUS
[Faintly] Is there a chaser?
PISO
No. Let it alone. The fire will go out of itself. [ CAIUS attempts to speak, but achieves only an un-
intelligible whisper]
POLORUS
[Elbowing him toward the left] Go out in the atrium, Commander, and stick your head in the pool. [cAius
again attempts to speak, but cannot, and waddles off]
PISO
[Calling after him] Don't forget the professor! ”

“ What do they want? ... I thought they were all sound asleep over in the North Wing. .
. . She isn't? What! A riot—and Paula not in it? Then where is she? . . . Go find her. I know she's behind it.
. . . And get the rest to bed. Drunk or sober, get them to bed. ”

“ Too late! He's getting over it. Besides, [indicating the banquet room] what barrels there are, are in there.
[cAius sits up and gazes about him weakly. Catching sight of PAULA, he waves his hand at her feebly. He
has forgotten where he is, and doesn't know that she is the Empress]
CAIUS
[Thickly] Ah there, fair one! How about a little drink!
PISO
[Horrified] Sacrilege!
PAULA
[Flattered by his apparent admiration] Oh, let the poor commander alone. He's feeling badly. [She
approaches him, with a goblet] There, that will make you better. ”