Anonymous

“ Face to face with a world, I must accept death as a charm to enduring existence. You must know, dearest, that I love you, have always loved you and shall always love you. As I sit and look into the fire which from great red flames has sunk to an ember glow, I liken it to your love; for in the manliness of your youthfulness you loved me with a passion that was all consuming. I bathed your soul in the divine worship and devotion such as only a pure woman can pour out on a man whom she extols above all others. In your letter there appears not one allusion to love. ”

“ If you ever loved, you still love. The only question that remains unanswered is, ‘Am I the only one to whom your whole heart has gone out?’ Be that as it may, I have concluded that, wise or unwise, right or wrong, the same untiring love which has inspired me to worship you, day by day and the long night through, since first we met, must live on until the words, ‘Dust to dust’ have echoed through the tall pines and rolling mounds of our Southern city of the dead, while the clods fall heavily on the rough box that contains my casket. ”

“ Oh, the blackness of that night as it now appears to me, is only intensified and made more dismal, when I think of the lights, the gay music, the finely arrayed women and the entrancing wine; it was a long night of song and revelry, only to end in the beginning of a long day of miserable, torturing, painful existence. That fortress of purity, which is all a girl has upon which she can rely at all times, was stormed. The excitement, the glittering lights, and the enchanting environment added such argument as the man lacked in his make up. ”

“ Why can I not go away from you? Yes, little girl, I love you, I love you.’
“‘Kiss me, Lannie. There, dear; yes, that is right, Lannie! Hold me in your arms. Now, dearest, we are happy.’
“Then, while tears of joy dimmed my eyes, in the madness of passion, my future was molded. As the poisonous little reptile stings the lion, who is king of the forest, and causes him to writhe in death’s agony, so did the lecherous fangs of passion fasten themselves into poor Lannie’s pure, white soul, sending the venomous poison into a heretofore healthful system. ”

“ I can see no happiness in having for a husband a man who on the stroke of five in the morning rolls out of his bed, hurries into his clothes and rushes away to his stall, where he deals out potatoes and codfish to the dictation of those to whom he must humbly bow in order to retain their patronage; remaining away all day without his lunch and only arriving home in the evening in time to eat dinner, which has been spoiled by being kept warm, and then tired, cross and peevish, he goes off to seek the rest from the day’s toil and worry, only to rise and repeat the program as the days go by. ”

“ I feel, in fact, that I may be the means of saving some timid girl the embarrassment of assuming my place in the world. I am sure I can do more to satisfy the whims of humanity than can a novice, for I am a student of your school and your ideas are instilled within me until I feel that my efforts will avail more than the efforts of an inexperienced girl. Again, I am feeding and clothing myself and our baby, and I love you. The world will, in part, frown upon me for the part I am playing ”

“ Oh, the agony of it!
I went to him with her statement and he said it was true, but that he never loved her. I cannot believe him. I cannot believe anyone or anything now. I have no one I can tell. I must suffer all alone. Florence is the only one and I would die before I would tell her. My pride won’t allow me to admit his perfidy to anyone. I cannot bear to have the world think ill of him, even now. How can I live and bear it? I will not. I cannot. I will end it all. Goodbye, little diary, my only faithful friend. You, too, might have proved false had you the power. ”

“ If I sang better that night, if the roses seemed sweeter and the music more dreamy, if I at times imagined that the flitting forms on the stage were angels and that I, too, held a harp and chanted the songs of the seraphs, it was all because Leon had told me of his love. I did not act that night, I just lived my part in the ecstacy of my new found joy. When I went home, Leon went with me. We told my mother all; our whole life’s plans were changed. We quickly arranged for Leon and me to marry. ”

“ Now, if you mean that, you love me and you feel that every dollar I have comes without the soil of dishonor. I will tell you how I—we—live. [178] You have raved over my figure; you have worshipped my body as though the presence of my heart were an unheard of thing. Other men have evidently been schooled in the same house of learning as you, for they, too, admire my flesh and bone. Not a day passes but that I form some new acquaintance, and, as I take it, all on account of my shapely limbs, my slender waist and swelling bosoms. ”

“ Oh, the holy emotions, the rage of my love knew no master. I clung to him; he tried to free himself, but no, no! I would rather have died than give him up. Great, strong Lannie of Herculean strength, one who could have held a horse, or felled an ox by a blow of his strong right arm; one who could withstand the ravages of pestilence and disease; one on whom weak men looked with that feeling of admiration born of awe; one whose strength, broad judgment, and kindly temperament made him easily the master of any and all [50] situations. ”

“ And finds too late that men betray,
What charm can soothe her melancholy?
What art can wash her guilt away?
“The only art her guilt to cover,
To hide her shame from every eye,
To give repentance to her lover,
And wring his bosom, is—to die.” January 1.
I, Louise Montgomery, twenty-five years of age, and in full possession of all my faculties, do hereby affirm that I will herein chronicle all the noteworthy happenings of my life for the period of one year.
Little diary, I am surprised that I, having reached the mature age of twenty-five, should become so sentimental as to wish to keep a diary. ”

“ I had reached the stage of desperation, where I was ready to do anything but one thing, and that was to die. I wanted to live long enough to impress upon her mind who I was. It was while in this frame of mind that I met my husband. I had lost all respect for myself; I had reached that stage of degradation which is worse than to resolve to take one’s life. I had decided to sell my soul in order to have sufficient funds to at some time humiliate this woman who had refused to carry me in her carriage, which should have been mine. I went to a house of bad repute to apply for admission ”

“ A taste of the things in the outer world only made the fancies in my childish brain grow. I soon found myself planning how I could leave my father’s home and secure freedom for the only man I loved. I begged and pleaded with my father, but to no avail; finally he informed me that he would horsewhip me and lock me up if I ever mentioned the matter again. This was too much; all the pride within me bounded to the surface, my hot Southern blood tingled, my cheeks flamed in anger. ”

“ But with all his bravery and fortitude, all his battles, all his years of duration, he had never been called upon to wage war upon a woman whose soul was starving for the loving caress, which is so dear to a lonely heart. He was as wax in my hands, as I clutched him fiercely yet fondly. ‘Oh, Lannie, Lannie! say that you love me,’ I cried, all the time raining kisses on his dear face, while he acquiesced in mute silence. ”

“ Herself, the supreme type of vice, she is usually the most efficient guardian of virtue. But for her, the unchallenged purity of countless homes would be polluted, and not a few, who, in the pride of their untested chastity, think of her with an indignant shudder, would have known the agony of remorse and despair.
On that one degraded and ignoble form are concentrated the passions that might have filled the world with shame.
She remains while creeds and civilization rise [7] and fall, the eternal priestess of humanity, blasted for the sins of the world. ”

“ To whom shall she turn for the tender touch of Christian pity, the charity of a human undertaking half divine? Surely, not to the church that “Bows the knee to pomp that loves to varnish guilt;” not to the women of merciless hearts and useless lives who boast of chastity because of frozen veins; not to public charities who advertise her squalor and her shame; not to the worldly man, whose aid is; almost invariably extended in return for favors their families know not of, but she turns to the hell of the world’s lost souls when men no longer find her a convenience. ”

“ My earliest recollections were of my old black mammy, who used to croon to me, in a voice that was always soothing. I was taught to believe that the world was at my command; a mother’s care I never knew, for my advent into this world cost her her life. Ah, sir, I have often longed for a real mother, one to whom I could go and tell all my little secrets, one who could feel the love for me which my nature seems to crave.
[105]
“My father was a most indulgent parent, but I fear that in his great goodness he failed to conceive the emotions of a girl’s heart. ”

“ A grimy, smoking kerosene lamp in the hands of the child, led me to a coop of a bedroom and there, amid a pile of soiled and torn rubbish that had at some time been entitled to the name bed clothing, lay a half starved, pain-racked wretch, called woman, in filth too great for a beast, in pain too intense for a strong man to bear, burning with fever and shivering with chills, and at the same time moaning, tossing and suffering only as a neglected soul and body can suffer. ”

“ With thoughts of revenge and the anticipation of an increased bank account, I began the search for a candidate for the position of mistress to my enemy’s friend. It did not take me long. I was on the train one day, when I met a young girl, beautiful, graceful, fresh, but sad. My practical eye soon sized up the situation and I made friends with her. She explained to me that she was coming to Chicago to seek a position. Then, slowly, but as surely as the snake coils itself around the helpless, bleating kid, so did I spin my web of Hell around her. ”

“ I think as I now look back over a career that is not spotless, that the moment when the great wax figure with the big blue eyes and masses [239] of soft, fluffy hair, the kid body of which was clothed in the finest array imaginable, was placed in my arms, was the happiest moment of all my life. I knew I had sent in a story, but never dreamed of being the winner; my heart was full, my life complete. ”

“ I had given up hope of ever seeing Harry again, and cared little about him. He had willfully wronged and deserted me, he was a thing of the past to my frivolous mind. If I became blue and depressed, I would have the maid bring me a bottle of wine from the well stocked cellar. But all this must end. A change such as the frailties of humanity seek, is sure to come. I grew tired of the solitude that I had to contend with; I was a prisoner. One day I told my friend that I wanted to travel some. ”

“ When compared to the commodious home on the lake front, with its coils of pipes conducting steam into every nook and corner, making even the cellar a place of comfort, the rich rugs, the substantial furnishing of oak and mahogany, the bright lights, the dear little mother, the happy children, the music, pictures and flowers, the well filled larder and comfortable clothing we all enjoy, it is inclined to cause one to forget to complain. ”

“ When morning came I busied myself with the affairs of my aunt’s humble home, which I, too, had known as my only shelter for years. I moved with the spirit of love. I became mechanical in doing things while I drew on my imagination to such an extent, that at times I almost fancied that it was our home (Jamie’s and mine) , and that I was serving him. I planned and thought so much of how I would always have his slippers ready, and papers and cigars, for he smoked. Oh, all the dreams made me so happy and contented. ”

“ Is it possible that you do not love me? You who have held me so close while spasms of delight have shaken your stalwart frame, and the flame of passion has reddened your otherwise placid brow, while exclamations of joy poured forth from your lips between the spasmodic [177] kisses which held my lips as in a vice. You, a man of equal parts, do not mention love; you may remain silent on that subject, but if you tell yourself that you do not love you lie, and your heart bears witness to it. ”

“ Oh, the joy of this trip, the perfect contentment. Robert’s face has been radiant with happiness all day. When I see him in his strength, and manly beauty, enjoying God’s choicest gift, good health, and know that I am the cause, should I not rejoice?
October 16.
What an ideal spot! It beggars description. We are so happy. Sometimes we stroll together through the woods, where the warm tinted Autumn leaves make a soft carpet for our feet. When we tire, we sit down and he reads to me by the hour. What a beautiful world! ”

“ The girl had forgotten the “old guy,” and seemed only to remember the visions which floated through the air in the forms of tens and twenties. She would look at the man hopefully, then her eyes would fall on the vest pocket on the side furthest from her.
“How old are you?” asked the man, as he laid his arm along the back of her chair and gazed steadily into her face, after they had been enclosed in the wine room.
“No matter, you don’t care,” she returned, coyly.
“Yes, but I do. You see, I want you to tell me everything. How old are you; where were you born; when did you come to Chicago, all?” ”

“ Even the people are nicer. The men are kind and attentive but towering over and above them all, I can see the face of the one man I love. Yes, little diary, I love him now, he has woven himself into my very nature even in this short time. “I could not forget you, dear Robert, if all these men were kings and princes, for you are my prince and my king. Your dear letters are such a comfort to me, and I am so happy in your love, even though I know there is no future.” ”

“ I feel I could court even death while reveling in the sunshine of your beauteous love, and smilingly challenge the chords of life to snap and precipitate me into that unknown beyond, with the memory of your dear kisses on my cold, blue lips. ”