Arthur Wing Pinero

“ Lukyn and Vale.
What!
Agatha Posket and Charlotte.
Oh!
Messiter.
Your own fault, gentlemen; it’s my duty.
Lukyn.
And it is my duty to save these helpless women from the protecting laws of my confounded country! Vale!
Vale.
[Putting his coat on the sofa.] Active!
Lukyn.
[To Harris.] Let these ladies pass! [He takes Harris by the collar and flings him over to Vale, who throws him over towards the ladies, who push him away. Messiter puts a whistle to his mouth and blows; there is an immediate answer from without.] More of your fellows outside?
Messiter.
Yes, sir, at your service. ”

“ Agatha Posket.
Ah, thank you! May I ask you to see us to our cab?
Lukyn.
Certainly! Thank heaven, they’re going!
Agatha Posket.
[To Charlotte.] It’s all right; come along!
Charlotte.
[To Agatha Posket.] Oh, those oysters look so nice.
Lukyn.
[To himself.] Stop! In my trouble, I am forgetting even the commonest courtesies to these ladies. [To Agatha Posket.] You have a long journey before you. I am sure your husband would not forgive me for letting you face such weather unprepared. Let me recommend an oyster or two and a thimbleful of champagne. ”

“ Cis.
But my friends do. When I was at Brighton I was in with the best set—hope I always shall be. I left Brighton—nice hole I was in. You see, Guv, I didn’t want my friends to make free with your house.
Mr. Posket.
Oh, didn’t you?
Cis.
So I took a room at the Hotel des Princes—when I want to put a man up he goes there. You see, Guv, it’s you I’ve been considering more than myself.
Mr. Posket.
But you are a mere child.
Cis.
A fellow is just as old as he feels. I feel no end of a man. Hush, they’re coming down! I’m off to tell Wyke about the rickety four-wheeler.
Mr. Posket. ”

“ Lukyn.
Certainly! H’m! You know, of course, that I am not alone in this affair?
Mr. Posket.
[Referring to charge sheet.] Three persons appear to be charged with you.
Lukyn.
Yes. Two others got away. Cowards! If ever I find them, I’ll destroy them!
Mr. Posket.
Lukyn!
Lukyn.
I will! Another job for you, Posket.
Mr. Posket.
[With dignity.] I beg your pardon, in the event of such a deplorable occurrence, I should not occupy my present position. Go on, sir.
Lukyn.
Horace Vale and I are prepared to stand the brunt of our misdeeds. But, Posket, there are ladies in the case. ”

“ Lukyn.
Madam, I will repay your candour as it deserves. I am.
Agatha Posket.
My husband knows of your acquaintance with the circumstances of my first marriage. I know what men are. When the women leave the dinner-table, men become retrospective. ”

“ Agatha Posket.
Yes, that’s what I mean. Five-and-thirty is a very delicate age to find yourself single. You’re neither one thing nor the other. You’re not exactly a two-year-old, and you don’t care to pull a hansom. However, I soon met Mr. Posket at Spa—bless him!
Charlotte.
And you nominated yourself for the Matrimonial Stakes. Mr. Farringdon’s The Widow, by Bereavement, out of Mourning, ten pounds extra.
Agatha Posket.
Yes, Charley, and in less than a month I went triumphantly over the course. But, Charley dear, I didn’t carry the fair weight for age—and that’s my trouble. ”

“ Agatha Posket.
No, I mean years, months, days, dates connected with my marriage with Mr. Farringdon.
Lukyn.
Dear me, sore subject!
Agatha Posket.
I will be more than candid with you. My present husband, having a very short vacation in the discharge of his public duties, wooed me but for three weeks; you, who have in your time courted and married, know the material of which that happy period is made up. The future is all-engrossing to the man; the presents—I mean the present, a joyous dream to the woman. But in dealing with my past I met with more than ordinary difficulties.
Lukyn. ”

“ Lukyn.
Your game is up, sir!
Mr. Bullamy.
You have brought a stain upon a spotless police court!
Lukyn.
And lectured me upon propriety and decorum.
Mr. Posket.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, when you have heard my story you will pity me.
Lukyn and Mr. Bullamy.
[Laughing ironically.] Ha! ha!
Mr. Posket.
You will find your old friend a Man, a Martyr, and a Magistrate!
Cis enters, pulling Beatie after him.
[Pg 163]
Cis.
Come on, Beatie! Guv—mater! here’s news! Beatie and I have made up our minds to be married.
Agatha Posket.
Oh!
Popham enters with champagne and glasses.
Mr. Posket. ”

“ Æneas; men always think they are marrying angels, and women would be angels if they never had to grow old. That warps their dispositions. I have deceived you, Æneas.
Mr. Posket.
Ah! Lukyn!
Agatha Posket.
No—no—you don’t understand! Lukyn was my boy’s godfather in eighteen sixty-six.
Mr. Posket.
1866?
Cis.
1886?
[Pg 159]
Cis and Mr. Posket.
[Together, reckoning rapidly upon their fingers.] 1886.
Agatha Posket.
S-s-s-h! Don’t count! Cis, go away! [To Mr. Posket.] When you proposed to me in the “Pantheon” at Spa, you particularly remarked, “Mrs. Farringdon, I love you for yourself alone.” ”

“ Maida Vale. Good gracious! A pious aunt of mine once lived in Hamilton Terrace; she never thought I should come to this. “Guv?” “Yes, my boy.” “Let’s get this kind-hearted coffee-stall keeper to hide us.” We apply. “Will you assist two unfortunate gentlemen?” “No, blowed if I will.” “Why not?” “ ’Cos I’m agoin’ to join in the chase after you.” Ah! Off again, along Maida Vale! On, on, heaven knows how or where, ’till at last, no sound of pursuit, no Cis, no breath, and the early Kilburn buses starting to town. ”

“ Lukyn.
I can explain. Don’t condemn till you’ve heard. I—I—— Damn it, sir, put these lemons down!
Charlotte.
He calls him “Sir”—it must be a man.
[Pg 82]
Lukyn.
It is a man. I am not in a position to deny that.
Agatha Posket.
Really, Colonel Lukyn!
Lukyn.
It is my friend. He—he—he’s merely waiting for his supper.
Agatha Posket.
Your friend. [To Charlotte.] Come home, dear.
Lukyn.
Do, do hear me! To avoid the embarrassment of your encountering a stranger, he retreated to the balcony.
Agatha Posket.
To the balcony? You have shamefully compromised two trusting women, Colonel Lukyn.
Lukyn. ”

“ But they’d like to know it. I mean they ought to know it! The other day I found my poor boy sitting on Lady Jenkins’s lap, and in the presence of Sir George. I have no right to compromise Lady Jenkins [Pg 27] in that way. And now, Charley, you see the whirlpool in which I am struggling—if you can throw me a rope, pray do.
Charlotte.
What sort of a man is Mr. Posket, Aggy?
Agatha Posket.
The best creature in the world. He’s a practical philanthropist.
Charlotte.
Um—he’s a Police Magistrate, too, isn’t he?
Agatha Posket.
Yes, but he pays out of his own pocket half the fines he inflicts. ”

“ They have put a man at the back. Keep away from the window. [They are all bustling, and everybody is talking in whispers; Lukyn places Agatha Posket under the table, where she is concealed by the cover; he gets behind the overcoats hanging from the pegs; Vale and Charlotte crouch down behind sofa.] Thank you very much. I am going to put Isidore to bed on the sofa. That will explain the light which has just gone out. [Isidore quietly places himself upon the sofa; Blond covering him with the rug.] ”

“ THE MAGISTRATE THE FIRST ACT The scene represents a well-furnished drawing-room in the house of Mr. Posket in Bloomsbury.
Beatie Tomlinson, a pretty, simply dressed little girl of about sixteen, is playing the piano, as Cis Farringdon, a manly youth wearing an Eton jacket, enters the room.
Cis.
Beatie!
Beatie.
Cis dear! Dinner isn’t over, surely?
Cis.
Not quite. I had one of my convenient headaches and cleared out. [Taking an apple and some cobnuts from his pocket and giving them to Beatie.] These are for you, dear, with my love. I sneaked ’em off the sideboard as I came out. ”

“ Lukyn.
Certainly not, sir.
Vale.
You’re afraid of the wet, Colonel Lukyn; you are no soldier.
Lukyn.
You know better, sir. As a matter of fact, that balcony can’t bear a man like me.
Vale.
Which shows that inanimate objects have a great deal of common-sense, sir.
Lukyn.
You don’t prove it in your own instance, Captain Vale.
[Pg 86]
Vale.
That’s a verbal quibble, sir.
[They talk angrily.
Agatha Posket.
[To Charlotte.] It’s frightfully late. Tell him to write to you.
Charlotte.
I must speak to him to-night; life is too short for letters. ”

“ Pinero went to New York to produce his work at Daly’s Theatre. Mr. Daly had suggested that Miss Ada Rehan should play the boy, Cis Farringdon, but to this the author objected, and Miss Rehan played Mrs. Posket, while Mr. Posket was represented by Mr. James Lewis, and Colonel Lukyn by Mr. John Drew. “The Magistrate” enjoyed an exceptionally long run in New York, as well as in Boston, and in the latter city it is now performed every year, being included in the regular season of classic English comedies at the Boston Museum. ”

“ Isidore.
You have ordered supper, sir?
Lukyn.
Yes, on the back of my note to Mr. Blond. Serve it at once.
Isidore.
I beg your pardon, sir, at once.
[He goes out.
[Pg 59]
Lukyn.
So, you’ve been badly treated by a woman, eh, Vale?
Vale.
Shockingly. Between man and man, a Miss Verrinder—Charlotte. [Turning away.] Excuse me, Lukyn.
[Produces a folded silk handkerchief, shakes it out, and gently blows his nose.
Lukyn.
[Lighting a cigarette.] Certainly—certainly—does you great credit. Pretty woman?
Vale.
Oh, lovely! A most magnificent set of teeth. All real, as far as I can ascertain.
Lukyn. ”

“ Mr. Posket.
[Beaming at Agatha Posket.] Ah, my darling!
Mr. Bullamy.
[Producing a small box from his waistcoat pocket.] All I take after dinner is a jujube—sometimes two. [Offering the box.] May I tempt Mrs. Posket?
Agatha Posket.
No, thank you. [Treading on one of the nuts which have been scattered over the room.] How provoking—who brings nuts into the drawing-room?
Mr. Posket.
Miss Tomlinson still here? [To Beatie.] Don’t go, don’t go. Glad to see Cis so fond of his music. Your sister Charlotte is behind her time, my darling. ”

“ Posket.
Besides, my darling, you know the interest I take in Miss Tomlinson; she is one of the brightest little spots on my hobby-horse. Like all our servants, like everybody in my employ, she has been brought to my notice through the unhappy medium of the Police Court over which it is my destiny to preside. Our servant, Wyke, a man with a beautiful nature, is the son of a person I committed for trial for marrying [Pg 14] three wives. To this day, Wyke is ignorant as to which of those three wives he is the son of! ”

“ Lukyn.
What finished it?
Vale.
She gave a man a pair of worked slippers three days after our engagement.
Lukyn.
No?
Vale.
Fact. You remember Bristow—Gordon Bristow?
Lukyn.
Perfectly. Best fellow in the world.
Vale.
He wears them.
Lukyn.
Villain! Will you begin with a light wine, or go right on to the champagne?
Vale.
By Jove, it’s broken my heart, old fellow. I’ll go right on to the champagne, please. Lukyn, I shall make you my executor.
Lukyn.
Pooh! You’ll outlive me! Why don’t they bring the supper? My heart has been broken like yours. [Pg 61] It was broken first in Ireland in ’55. ”

“ I cannot be influenced by private information in dealing with an offence which is, in my opinion, as black as—as my cravat! Ahem!
[Mr. Wormington and Mr. Posket look at each other’s necktie and turn up their collars hastily.
[Pg 132]
Lukyn.
[To himself.] There’s no help for it. [To Mr. Posket.] Then Posket, you must have the plain truth where you stand, by George! The two ladies who are my companions in this affair are——
Mr. Posket.
Sergeant! Colonel Lukyn will now join his party.
[Lugg steps up to Lukyn sharply.
Lukyn.
[Boiling with indignation.] What, sir? What?
Mr. Posket. ”

“ Agatha Posket.
My boy.
Isidore.
[Outside.] Gentlemen, come—come.
Agatha Posket.
[To herself.] Miserable deceiver! This, then, is the club, and the wretched man conspires to drag my boy down to his own awful level. What shall I do? I daren’t make myself known here. I know; I’ll hurry home, and if I reach there before Æneas, which I shall do, I’ll sit up for him.
Lukyn returns.
Agatha Posket.
Is the cab at the door?
Lukyn.
It is.
Agatha Posket.
Charlotte! Charlotte!
[Drawing her veil down.
Charlotte.
I’m ready, dear. [To Vale.] Married sisters are always a little thoughtless.
Vale. ”

“ Mr. Posket.
I shall take a turn round the Square, and then come home again! I will not be influenced by a mere child! A man of my responsible position—a magistrate—supping slily at the Hotel des Princes, in Meek Street—it’s horrible.
Cis.
Now, then—we’ll creep downstairs quietly so as not to bring Wyke from his pantry. [Giving Mr. Posket paper.] You stick that up prominently, while I blow out the candles.
[Cis blows out the candles on the piano.
Mr. Posket.
[Reading.] “Your master and Mr. Cecil Farringdon are going to bed. Don’t disturb them.” I will not be a partner to any written document. ”

“ They turn their collars down; Mr. Posket takes Mr. Wormington’s arm. They are going towards the curtains when Wyke enters hurriedly at the door.
Wyke.
Excuse me, sir.
Mr. Wormington.
Hush! hush! Mr. Posket is just going into Court.
Wyke.
Lady Jenkins has sent me back to tell you that she hasn’t seen the missis for the last week or more.
Mr. Posket.
Mrs. Posket went to Campden Hill with Miss Verrinder last night!
Wyke.
They haven’t arrived there, sir.
Mr. Posket.
Haven’t arrived!
Wyke.
No sir—and even a slow four-wheeler won’t account for that.
Mr. Posket.
Wormington! there’s something wrong! ”

“ Harris.
I held on till I nearly went off, sir.
Messiter.
[Giving him the bull’s-eye.] Don’t argue, but light up. There are half a dozen people concealed in this room. [There is a cry from the women. Charlotte and Vale rise; Lukyn steps from behind the coats.] I thought so. [As Messiter turns, Agatha Posket and Mr. Posket rise, Cis comes quickly, catches hold of Mr. Posket, and drags him across to the window.]
Cis.
[To Mr. Posket.] Come on, Guv. Come on! ”