Christabel R. Coleridge

“ I should not really be what mamma calls worthy if I gave it up, and told every one my father did wrong, when perhaps he did not. That’s my own judgment, uncle, my own conscience, but—but—I wish—I wish I did not feel so, with all my heart.”
“Then, my dear child, your own conscience is the light that you must follow. You are a good girl, Kate, and your mother’s own daughter after all. Keep your principle, even if in the future you change your conclusion. Let nothing tempt you to do what you think may be wrong, and in the end no doubt you will arrive at a right decision.” ”

“ Katharine was silent for a moment, then burst out again. “But Uncle James was wicked—ah, I forgot he is your father—oh it is all dreadful, every way.”
“You see, Kate,” said Emberance, “the way I have got to look on it is this. I expect that neither my father nor yours were exactly—good. Of course it would be much better and happier if we could look back on them as other girls do; but as we can’t, and as it isn’t our fault in any way, why should we let it spoil our lives altogether? We have got our mothers and—and other people to care about, and it’s not our fault.” ”

“ Katharine Kingsworth must owe to her long minority, or to her mother’s wealth, the means of supporting her inheritance.
These matters settled, and the sad double funeral over, Mrs James Kingsworth and her mother and child went away from Kingsworth, doubtless with much sense of injury and disappointment; while Mary was left, feeling as if a burden had been laid upon her, that would crush the brightness out of her life for ever—the brightness, not the energy nor the resolution. ”

“ Suddenly she felt how she might have been regarded by Emberance, and how pure and free and kind had been the love which Emberance had actually shown her.
“Don’t cry,” she said, “perhaps something will happen yet. And, Emmy, any way you will always know that you hadn’t any money when Mr Mackenzie loved you first.”
“Ah, no, but money does make things possible. I don’t love him less because he is poor. You don’t know life, Kitty.”
“Don’t I? You’ll never have to think he loved you because you were rich,” said Kate gravely. ”

“ She went on, her eyes kindling.
“Each soldier has his post, it is dishonour to desert it; we have a post in life, a special duty, if we shrink from it we are deserters, cowards, while the sense that we are at our guard is quite enough to atone for any amount of dulness as you call it, or, I should say, for any sacrifice.”
Kate made no answer, she was conscious of no such glow of self-satisfaction.
“But we cannot fight each other’s battles,” continued Mrs Kingsworth, “and sometimes a good soldier has to see the breach that he would have given his life to defend left open by another.” ”

“ The only reparation is to undo the wrong. Katharine and I cannot have masses said for my husband’s soul; but we can refuse to profit by the sin that he committed. We need not share it. I wish Katharine on the day she comes of age to give up the estate to the rightful heiress, her cousin Emberance. I have tried to show her in all my training the beauty of self-sacrifice, to make the right thing so good in her eyes that she should be ready to prefer it to selfish pleasure. ”

“ The new games, introduced by the Silthorpe cousins, in which drawing, verse-making, and odds and ends of knowledge came into play, proved old ones to Mrs Kingsworth. She was drawn into the circle of young people, and became a leading spirit; with twice as many ideas as Emberance, and four times as much faculty as Kate, she could laugh and argue and hold her own amid the merry clatter, and when Kate listened amazed she recollected that an attempt to teach her some of these little amusements had been scouted as “making play into lessons.” ”

“ There came to her a moment, when if Major Clare had been beside her and spoken tenderly to her again, she would not have cared about asking the reason, would not, could not have turned away,—a moment when all her scruples seemed utterly valueless, compared to the love that they had cost her. Kate could not know that the sick pain of that hour of ungratified yearning was a light price to pay for the inheritance of her mother’s honesty which had saved her from her mother’s fate. ”

“ It was just a year since the visit of Walter and Eva Kingsworth to Fanchester, which had done so much to open her eyes, when the Canon announced that he had invited Walter to come and see him again. Kate sparkled up eagerly. Now she could talk to Walter and tell him how it had all been, now he could tell her freely what he thought; she was not an ignorant child any more, but a wise, experienced woman, able to recognise the wisdom of his former silence. ”

“ I was never jealous of you, Katie,—I always said it was nonsense. I won’t hear of it. There’s a law against it. When people have a thing for seven years it is theirs whoever comes back. People are dead after seven years, you can marry somebody else even?” cried Emberance, incoherently.
“Yes,” said Kate, “it is mine, I know, so I can give it away if I like. I am going to tell Uncle Kingsworth.”
“Katharine! Katharine!”
But Kate ran down stairs, Emberance pursued her, caught her up as she opened the study door, and got the first word as she flew to her uncle. ”

“ She sped along the lane, still in silence, and Emberance thought it better not to speak to her, though much at a loss to know what could have passed. Surely no happy emotion could take such a form as this, such bitter sobs could not come of any mere excitement and agitation.
“Kitty, my darling,” she said at length, “what has happened to you?”
Kate turned round on her, and said passionately and bitterly,—
“Nothing!”
“Nothing?”
“No—but oh! I hate myself, and despise myself! I wish I could drown myself,” cried Katharine in her agony. “Have you quarrelled with Major Clare?” ”

“ The tears gathered in Mrs Kingsworth’s dark eyes, she could hardly command her voice, her whole frame trembled as she felt how inadequate her carefully governed words were to describe the anguish that had come to the proud high-minded girl in the discovery that she had thrown away the love of her youth, the sense of stain and injury that had clung to her ever since, till in her lonely musings the offence against her sense of honour, her conscience had shut out all pity for the offender. ”

“ Katharine’s shocked, sobbing agitation could not be pitiful to her, it was so welcome as a sign of feeling.
“I don’t believe my father meant it. Oh, mamma, you shouldn’t have thought he meant it,” said the girl at last.
“Kate,” said Mrs Kingsworth, “love never blinded my eyes, and I cannot sacrifice principles to persons. The facts are as I have told you. This property is yours only through a dishonourable action. But for that Emberance would be the heiress of Kingsworth, and you, as my daughter, would still be far enough removed from any chance of poverty.” ”

“ There was no displeasure in her tone, but as Katharine stood silent, she said quietly, “Go and practise for an hour, I don’t like to see you doing nothing.”
“What can it matter what I do?” said Katharine impetuously, her quickly roused temper diverting her in a moment from her purpose.
“Only as rational occupation is rather a better thing than idleness,” said Mrs Kingsworth with a touch of satire in her voice.
“I mean—Mamma, I want to know whether we are to live at Applehurst for ever and ever?” cried Katharine, suddenly and without any warning. ”

“ The scene ended by such an outburst of violent and unrestrained passion from the girl, as prejudiced every one still further against her, and Mrs Kingsworth withdrew with her sobs and declarations that she would make them all suffer for falsely accusing her, still ringing in her ears. Mrs Kingsworth went down into the library, and before she left the room she had forgotten Alice and the earrings as completely as if they had never existed: for she heard her father-in-law’s will read, and in the reading of that will the whole face of life was changed to her. ”

“ Could self-sacrifice or high principle be expected from a girl who derived actual delight from finding herself with a pair of white kid gloves?
Emberance was a little overpowered by her, but she liked her, and better still, oddly enough, she liked the grave clear-eyed Aunt Mary, who looked so unjoyful, and behaved with such odd, cold graciousness towards herself. On the whole Katharine was sorry when the day came for their journey to Kingsworth, though the travelling charmed her. ”

“ Katharine turned away, and went back to Emberance, who was bathing her eyes and smoothing her hair, only anxious to obliterate the traces of her late agitation.
“Emmy,” said Kate, suddenly, “there is no need for you to be unhappy any more. Kingsworth ought to be yours, you know, and as soon as I am of age you will have it.”
Emberance, before whom the matter had of course never been discussed, and who was quite ignorant of Mrs Kingsworth’s long-cherished hope, and of all Kate’s recent perplexities, turned round and stared at her in utter amaze. “Why, Kate, are you crazy?” ”

“ Now I shall never know where he is—and it just means that all chance is over.”
“If you could only go out and surprise him,” said Kate.
“Oh, that is folly! If he can’t keep himself he can’t keep me. And mamma would not consent—so how could I get there? Oh, dear, the years are so long, and he will be so disappointed. It is so far away!” sobbed Emberance incoherently, feeling, poor girl, that the trial demanded of her was almost more than she was capable of enduring.
Katharine stood silent, with her hand on Emberance’s shoulder. ”

“ Nothing turns out well for mamma and me.”
Indeed, when Emberance, reluctantly enough, went home for Christmas, Katharine felt as if all the unsatisfactoriness of the old Applehurst life had returned, added to the new dreariness that hung over Kingsworth.
Strange puzzle, while the mother sat longing and praying that her child might have strength to sacrifice her worldly prospects to her sense of truth, the daughter felt that the sacrifice had all been made already, and that to push the burden away would be likely to come in the light of a relief. ”

“ Mamma thinks it is yours, and so does Aunt Ellen, and Uncle Kingsworth said I was to make up my own mind. So I have made it up, and now you will have enough money to do whatever you please. Oh, Emmy, I wouldn’t keep it and leave you to want it, for all the world.”
“I won’t agree to such a thing,” cried Emberance, bursting into another flood of tears. “Nothing will persuade me! It is perfectly ridiculous! I hate rights and wrongs. You don’t know what you are saying.” ”

“ She was quite enough to be pitied, poor little thing, under the weight of her troubles, even if her heart was only three quarters broken.
“I think, Katie,” said her mother, one morning when she had been for some time watching her listless attitude, “that you find it as possible to be dull at Kingsworth as at Applehurst.”
“I suppose,” said Kate, “that one may be dull anywhere? Aren’t you ever dull, mamma?”
“No,” said Mrs Kingsworth, “I don’t think I am ever quite what you call dull. Of course I don’t mean to say that I find life always enjoyable.” ”

“ You’ll teach me all that other girls do, and we will be friends.”
And suddenly the kitten sprang, and throwing her arms round Emberance, hugged her, and kissed her with irresistible warmth.
All the kindliness of Emberance’s nature awoke at the appeal, and all lurking sense of their relative positions yielded at the clasp of Katharine’s hands, and then at the warm touch of her lips.
“I will love you, Katharine,” she said, earnestly, “and friends we will be, I promise.” ”

“ On this occasion as the two girls came back to the house together, Emberance said,—
“You should not be so vehement about gaieties in talking to Aunt Mary, Kitty; she thinks you care for nothing else.”
“But how can I help being vehement when I feel so?” said Katharine, opening her round eyes; “and I do care immensely about the ball.”
“So do I; but still one ought not to be frivolous, and you might show a little more interest in other things.”
“But Emmy,” said Kate, “I don’t think I have found out yet what sort of things I do like.” ”

“ Mrs Kingsworth, when the circumstances had been explained to her, felt a curious sense of perplexity at the discovery of an elder heir. She was obliged to repeat the story over again mentally to divest herself of the feeling that his appearance had in some way rendered the contention futile between the rights of Emberance and Katharine. She recollected a saying of the Canon’s which at the time had given her great umbrage.
“After all, Mary, one girl is much the same as another, it is not as if there were a boy in the case.”
“Right is right for girl or boy,” she had answered truly enough. ”

“ Major Clare laughed.
“Miss Kingsworth,” he said, “I am talking a great deal of nonsense to you. I do like picking blackberries—sometimes even now.”
“Of course,” said Kate, “my mother does not enjoy things as I do. But then she is unhappy because my father was drowned.”
“I hope with all my heart,” said the Major, “that you will never have cause to be unhappy. And I hardly think experience will show you the way to be always bored.”
“Why no,” said Kate, “because I think if people can’t take an interest in something they must be very stupid themselves.” ”

“ Kingsworth was a moderate-sized old-fashioned house, standing amid bare undulating downs above a low line of chalky cliffs and looking over the sea. It was enclosed in a piece of barren down, which young half-grown trees were struggling to turn into a park—trees that the wind blew all in one direction, and forced into strange shapes and attitudes. Almost on the edge of the cliff was a bit of ruined tower, and down below the slope or the park and sheltered by the hill from the wind was a little village, untidy rather than picturesque. ”