Clarence Budington Kelland

“ Garrity in the capacity of political adviser—campaign-manager was the term he used.
"Understand," I said, firmly, "there are to be no undignified methods. There is to be no effort to inflame the people. I wish them to approach this election coolly, calmly, with their minds functioning without obstruction. It is my purpose," I continued, "to make of this an ideal election—an example for this whole country from coast to coast." ”

“ Where can I discover a person of proper qualification?"
"I know a feller," said he, "who knows politics from votes to grand juries. Garrity's his name—and maybe, being who you are, you could get him to take hold of things for you." ”

“ Wilson and McCarty leaped to their feet and started, with evident bellicose intent, in my direction. Instantly Mr. Garrity uttered a species of war-cry, and his twoscore barbarians stormed the stage. I found myself the center of a seething, battering, rioting mob of such creatures as must have accompanied the descent of Attila and his Huns. I caught one glimpse of Miss Edwina's face. It was, to put it mildly, forbidding. My hope reached a low level. Garrity, a man of some prowess, I admit, fought his way to my side.
"We'll make a road for you to beat it," says he. ”

“ I resolved to intervene in the interests of logical self-government, and to become sheriff myself—in short, to become what is called in the slang of the day a compromise candidate.
I called for my car and directed the chauffeur to drive me to the sheriff's office—McCarty, I understood his name to be—and assuming a bearing at once diplomatic and firm, I requested admittance. The outer room was full of individuals who sat in undignified postures, smoking cigars and pipes. ”

“ I can see no hope for a better day until our elections shall pass into the hands of men and women of culture and refinement—until some leader shall arise with powers and abilities to bring about a revolution. ”

“ He appeared a man of the greatest social limitations. However, I resolved to proceed as though he were one of my own class.
"I understand," said I, "that a person by the name of Wilson is about to contest the election with you."
"You can understand he's a person if you've a mind to, but I ain't admittin' it," said the sheriff.
"There exists, I am told, a certain modicum of acrimony between you." ”

“ As we drove toward the village I formulated the so-called platform, or statement of principles and purposes, which I should present to the people in the announcement of my candidacy. Hastily I entered it in my note-book. It read as follows:
In offering myself as a candidate for the shrievalty of this county I deem it not only seemly, but necessary, that I declare the purposes which move me, my political principles, and a part at least of my plans, to be put in effect upon my election. ”

“ This declaration, I fancied, would be sufficient to demonstrate to the voters what manner of man was requesting their suffrages.
I stopped at the office of an acquaintance to have his young woman stenographer make a number of copies of my platform to be sent to New York and Boston papers.
Outside I found my chauffeur with a man whom he called Garrity and to whom he was talking vehemently.
"It'll be just like pickin' it off a bush," said he. "Takin' candy off a baby would be a Chinese puzzle to this. Say, Garrity, he's got so much of it he walks lopsided—and easy! Man of man! ”

“ Small," said he, "bein' interested in your campaign, I take the liberty of introducing to you Mr. Garrity, a man who can give 'em all advice when it comes to politics."
"Indeed," said I, regarding Mr. Garrity with curiosity. "A specialist? Ah! Am I to understand it is your profession to act in an advisory capacity in the field of politics?" ”

“ She made it clear to me, in a brief but cogent argument, that a woman, possessed of degrees from two universities, a descendant of one of the individuals known to our annals as Pilgrim Fathers, and who monthly contributed articles to the Ethical and Cultural Review, was not less qualified to cast an intelligent vote than a Hungarian individual whose education extended no further than to a comprehension of the uses of a pick-ax. ”

“ As candidates for high public position they do not fall short of a blight—a sort of pestilential manifestation of pyramided evils; in short, in their present rude and uncultured state they are no more fitted to receive the suffrages of this community than the hairy, anthropophagus cave-dweller out of the mists of antiquity. ”

“ McCarty appeared. The former jeerers cheered him, and vice versa. Both gentlemen looked at me with unfriendly eyes, and permitted a curt nod to serve the place of more extended amenities.
I arose and advanced to the front of the platform. "The abysmal crudities of our local election methods," I began, "have—" Here a perfect tornado of sound made my voice inaudible.
"Adscititious excrescence!" somebody yelled. There was general laughter, which I took to be a hopeful sign, and I was permitted to proceed.
"As men," said I, "I have no charges to bring against my opponents ”

“ Simeon Small, Compromise Candidate
BY CLARENCE BUDINGTON KELLAND
AFTER spending an evening in the society of Miss Edwina Comerford, at the home of Cedric Comerford, whose sister and guest she was, I became convinced that a man should choose as his mate one approximating his own tale of years. I took Miss Edwina to be sufficiently distant from her romantic girlhood to make her a safe repository for my affections. Younger women, I am frank to admit, have proven undependable, not to say erratic, in their behavior toward myself. ”

“ I am in favor of the abolition of certain unimportant employments such as broom and chair making, etc., in our penal institutions, and the substitution therefor of various branches of higher education, to the end that the individuals therein incarcerated may upon their release be, by compulsion, possessed of a degree of culture which will insure against a repetition of their offensive conduct. ”

“ My chauffeur suggested we might gain free ingress through a rear entrance, and, happening upon Miss Edwina and her brother, I requested them to accompany me. As we entered I was greeted with a babel of sounds—a most encouraging welcome. Some individuals in their enthusiasm even attempted to imitate the meawing of cats.
The portion of the stage set aside for the friends of Messrs. McCarty and Wilson was filled to overflowing, but not with the gentler sex. Indeed, the occupants of the chairs seemed to me to be drawn from the ungentler portion of the male sex. Neither Mr. McCarty nor Mr. ”