G. A. T. Allan

“ Percy, the millionaire’s son and heir. He falls in love with Rebecca, daughter of a multi-millionaire. Percy’s father had once been in love with Rebecca’s mother. Percy’s mother had several times been in love with Rebecca’s father. Nobody knew this except the Press.
Percy tells his father of his love-affair. Father is furious. He sends for his lawyer, his will, his banker, and his tobacconist. He tells Percy that if he marries Rebecca, all his money shall go to the Home for Diseased and Incurable Kimonos. Percy asks to be allowed to think it over. ”

“ Each soldier has a drum, which he tries to beat with a duck’s drumstick. As soon as one soldier seizes a duck, another soldier pushes the duck away. The game is played with great fierceness, and causes much amusement, especially to the ducks. ”

“ Not a word in it but will be quite familiar to the youngest scholar: with two possible exceptions. “Expelled” (which means “driven out”) might be unfamiliar to a child of two; and “Apple” (at 9d. a lb.) might be a forbidden fruit to a child of one or one and a half.
Q.E.D., therefore. We may regard it as proven that the Kinematograph has come to stay. Hinc illae lacrimae: because, after all, it destroys eyesight and thus defeats its own purposes; for a blind person attending a Kinematograph performance must be a real enthusiast. ”

“ Tootsie Wootsie is about to sign when Medicine Man crumples into heap. Cowboys appear on galloping ponies. Much gun-play. Much cursing. Wild melée. Child seizes gollywog. Indian seizes Tootsie Wootsie, and hurls her over cliff. She falls approximately two miles, when—
(Film aborts.)
[59]
. . . Roaring Pete, struggling towards dropped flask. He reaches it. It is empty. He gets up in a rage. He feels himself. “What’s the good of being wounded when the flask’s empty?”
He dashes for pony and lights out for anywhere. As he passes foot of precipice, someone falls on his head. Falls off. ”

“ A bent elderly man seated at a table covered with chemical apparatus. Men stand round in gas-masks, for his breath is death.
As his men watch, Deathbreath drinks from a small bottle. He immediately vanishes. A crook rushes forward. Suddenly he throws up his arms and falls. Deathbreath reappears, with arm outstretched, as from punching someone.
“I have discovered the secret of invisibility.” He disappears again.
(Film continues for ten minutes, showing nothing.) ”

“ It becomes an old woman of garrulous type, who prettily thanks them for their courtesy, but appeals to police for protection. As friendly constable shepherds her through crowd, she incontinently becomes a steam-roller. ”

“ My head swelled immediately. Development had begun to commence starting already. I wrote a letter to the Daily Whale. It was not published. I knew myself upon the path to greatness. My horizon was enlarged.
I discarded my glasses and led from a singleton. While shaving I invented a lock for motor-cars and a solution of the Irish Problem; I unravelled the Russian tangle and elaborated a new Tango; I designed a rat-proof barn and went to breakfast.
Amongst my Fellows
An enormous crowd at the Tube Station. I read one sentence from Pamphlet 2, and I was seated in the train ”

“ He is tracked. He is sighted. (More sensation.) He eludes pursuit, and is never recaptured. He lives happily ever after, and still retains a warm spot in his heart for the lady who helped to teach him how to live. ”

“ The King picks one up, and begins to play. Many dogs come about him, and sit around howling.
5 A crowd arrives, kneeling, and praying him to desist. Not having a crown on, the King borrows half-a-crown from each member of the congregation. This is apt to confound a fellow kneeling, so they rise. ”

“ A rope is attached to the maintopgallant staysail, while the other end is fastened to Peter’s leg. The band plays “O for the wings of a dove,” and Peter is prodded with a marlin-spike till he flies.
3 Weighing the Lead. The cook brings his scales on to the bridge. The sailors swing the lead in turn, endeavouring to lodge it on the scales. Only the oldest sailors can do it properly, as it requires much knack. When it settles on the scales it is weighed by a waiter.
4 Splicing the Mainbrace. (This is one of the pair worn by the Captain, and often bursts under the strain of responsibility.) ”

“ Lady Gertrude seated at breakfast table. Eggs, ham, bacon, kidneys, kippers, etc. Lady Gertrude helps herself to all except the last.
Sir Anthony enters late. She glares at him while he seats himself. Butler offers him everything in turn, but each dish is waved away by Lady Gertrude. At last he seizes a kipper on his fork. He takes one bite. It is snatched away by Lady Gertrude and thrown at the cat. He takes a piece of toast, but is unable to secure margarine or marmalade. He breakfasts. ”

“ It is well known that diseases of various kinds are contracted by frequenting crowded theatres. Try our Scentrifugal Drops and stand alone. Powerful, effective. No one can approach our success. You score three for a clear board. ”

“ The object of this book is to show the educational possibilities of the Kinematograph, as applied to almost any subject. It does not pretend to exhaustiveness, though it will be found somewhat exhausting. ”

“ This sport requires much secrecy, and no soldier will tell you how he does it. The youngest recruit is sent for the key of the square. The older soldiers don special boots for the function. Mounted services wear special spurs, whose rowels sound like an harp. ”

“ They perform evolutions and involutions, till one is transformed by a duodenary ulcer. An escape of gas. They find the scenty meter, and measure it with a rule of three feet. They practice. They share stocks out of all proportion. ”

“ Finding, however, that trailer is certain to get unfastened by vibration, and that no one can possibly remain seated in sidecar, Edwin agrees to take passengers. They start. Trailer slips off backwards down long hill. Sidecar falls over precipice.
Edwin and Angelina reach their destination, but find that old birds are missing. Angelina suggests half-heartedly that Edwin should go back and search. Edwin declines. They enter hotel, and live happily ever afterwards. ”

“ A War Dance. Tootsie Wootsie lying bound. She is placed on a pile of faggots. Young brave with torch. Medicine Man, with sacrificial knife uplifted, addresses her: “Will you marry me?” Tootsie simpers: “This is so sudden.”
Medicine Man infuriated. He executes a primordial dance. He repeats: “Will you marry me?” Tootsie Wootsie breaks her bonds, throws her arms about him, and whispers “Yes, dear.” Howls of rage. Medicine Man steps back. His squaw hits him with blunt hatchet. Another young Chief steps forward, waving captured Gollywog. Medicine Man seizes it ”

“ One pussyfoot makes one rude.
6 Ascending in a paravane, he is assumed, as a balloonatic, to be incapable of managing his affairs, with costs on the High Court Scale, and the custody of the weights thereunto belonging. The Man in the Moon is deceitful upon the weights. He is altogether lighter than alimony. ”

“ Even Q. H. Flaccus opined that it was dulce to desipere in loco. Sometimes one feels the need of a lighter work, which makes a less severe tax on the cerebellular tissue. This is it.”—Daily Telegraph. ”

“ The timber is pinned to the running blocks. Carpenters remove their hose. Cold water is turned on to the timber from the hose. If the temperature is too high, it is almost impossible to make the timbers shiver. ”

“ He becomes tired of life.
“Shoots the salesman.”
2 He buys a revolver, and shoots the salesman. As he goes home he shoots two policemen and an apple woman. Too easy. He exchanges the revolver for Winchester Repeating Rifle.
3 He hires an aeroplane to circle above his house. As people watch it, from his bedroom window he picks off twenty-three. He tires. He purchases two pennyworth of rat-poison.
4 He visits the Kitchen of a large Hotel, and very unostentatiously drops the poison in the soup. 137 deaths due to misadventure. ”

“ Sir Anthony jerks thumb in direction of Lady Gertrude, and points to his trousers.
(Solution in next week’s local paper.)
II.—SHOULD THEY HAVE GONE?
Angelina elopes with Edwin. Angelina’s father pursues them, but fails to overtake them until they are married. Angelina’s mother arrives and bursts into tears. A snowstorm. No conveyance available except tandem bicycle with sidecar and trailer. Edwin has hired this, and proposes to start directly after lunch. Angelina’s father and mother implore. Edwin declines. Angelina is neutral. ”

“ Hammocks. Palanquins. Canoes. “Label everything Munchausen, and send to my hotel.” Twenty-seven pantechnicons convey the goods to hotel.
Street blocked. Hotel refuses to accept delivery. The Munchausens arrive. Goods dumped in doorway. People in hotel cannot get out. Mountaineering parties arranged. One party falls in road, and is run over by traction engine. Other parties entangled in ropes of yet other parties. Lucky blow of ice-pick catches Sapphira in rear.
The start. One small boy on otherwise deserted quay listens to speeches from the two different boats.
[71]
“The start.” ”

“ Tootsie Wootsie walks off the screen in a huff.
THIRD PART
OF THIS THRILLING SERIAL,
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday,
NEXT WEEK.
[60]
RINGING THE CHANGES
1 Buncle spends a week-end in Mexico. He joins a Revolution. He wins. As a reward he is shown the ancient Aztec Temples. He enters the Cortes, and is initiated into the Mysteries. Poking the hontas. Mounting the Zuma.
2 An old priestess tells him a secret. He retires with a ruddy blush. An old priest gives him a phial, explaining that it contains the Liquor of Creation, enabling the owner to create what he wills. The yarn licks creation. ”

“ Simple Simon is proved to be an undischarged bankrupt. Discharged accordingly. Pieman bound over to keep the pies. He pleads for mercy.
7 The Pieman’s nightmare. Procession of dogs, cats, horses, and rats, headed by the Pied Piper. The Pieman’s coat-of-arms: On a field sanguinary semée de Melton Mowbray proper, a microbe vert, armed cap-à-pie.
SEE-SAW, MARGERY DAW
1 Miss Margery Daw’s home in Thibet. Her boudoir. With inimitable nonchalance she lights a cigarette. She turns pale. She dies. She disappears from history. ”

“ Tootsie Wootsie struggles madly to keep her dressing-gown round her.
THEIR ONE MISTAKE
Medicine Man reaches through window and collars a Gollywog. Child screams and appears at window. Indians vamoose with Tootsie Wootsie, mount their horses, and vanish into the dawn.
[58]
Child rushes out in nightshirt to Sheriff’s house. Shakes him. Fails to wake him. Seizes brandy bottle and puts it to his lips. Sheriff wakes at once. While he is taking a pull, child explains. “Indians taken my Golly.” As Sheriff leaps out of bed—
(Film aborts.) ”

“ As the officials approach, this becomes an aeroplane, which rises with soft purring as train bears Buncle away to Preston Park.
[62]
IN THE WOOLLY WEST
1 Ten cowboys rounding up cattle for branding into essence; one is used as the brand.
2 Nine cowboys cattle-punching; one is used as the punch.
3 Eight cowboys sitting round the camp-fire; one is used as fuel.
4 Seven cowboys putting on spurs; one is used to test them.
5 Six cowboys forming a settlement; one is used as the settlement.
6 Five cowboys squatting; one is used to squat upon. ”

“ He is in real pain. Mumm is not the word.
6 Action for assault and barratry, Thomas v. Pater. Judge rules that plaintiff has saved his bacon, and defendant is let off with a fine for being accessory after the fat.
[24]
OLD KING COLE
1 Exterior view of Royal Palace. Interior of same—Dining Hall, Piping Room, Bowling Alley, Fiddling Saloon. Queen Cole’s allotment. (Inset, a few vegetables grown by the Princess Anthracite.)
2 The King calls for his pipe. No reply. Boy in street is heard calling “Paiper.” Exit the King to buy one. ”

“ Indian Encampment. Medicine Man beating drum. Galloping ponies, firing Winchesters and automatics. Ring of stern faces. Background, ring of roses. Medicine Man harangues; shows boot; shows mark where it hit him. Excited execrations. Young chief advances, obviously saying “Wow!” Desperate attention secured at [57] this unusual beginning. He outlines his plan—a night raid to capture Paleface Squaw. Before he finishes, Indians dash for ponies and gallop into the night.
TOOTSIE WOOTSIE
discovered undressing. She removes her blouse. She removes her riding sk—
(Film aborts.) ”

“ As she leaves the sill—
(Film aborts.)
THE START
Dark figures stealing through the bushes. They appear to be searching for something. Chief stubs his toe. Mentions it. Tomahawked immediately by Medicine Man. Fierce rustle of excitement (heard in gallery) as they catch sight of Tootsie kneeling by Roaring Pete. Medicine Man says “Charge!” Tomahawks young Chief for asking “How much?”
CAPTURE OF TOOTSIE WOOTSIE
Proposal that she be allowed to dress is vetoed by unanimous tomahawk. ”