George Ade

“ As for Bradford, although it is possible that he shall have combed up a little Currency, he will be a mere ordinary, sordid Business Man — not one-two-seven when he tries to stack up against one who has just been delivered of a Thesis on the Correlated Phenomena of Unconscious Cerebration.
While Brad was out in the back Townships shortchanging the Farmers and buying 8-percent Mortgages, Otis was working his way through College and living on Oatmeal except on Holidays, and then Prunes. ”

“ Every Morning when he arose he would throw kisses to himself in the Glass and exclaim: "Aha! The Head as clear as a Bell this A.M. I'll bet I'm the cleanest and nicest Young Fellow in this Town. Any Girl that picks out a Sober and Steady man such a I am will certainly be showing good Judgment."
As Narrated at the Beginning, for three weeks he worked hard at the Job of being an Abstainer. And at last he accumulated a Sense of Virtue that weighted over 200 Pounds. He knew that he was entitled to a Reward, so he decided to buy himself a little Present. ”

“ It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the Water Wagon he always lands in a Crowd. The full Stage Setting, the Light Effects and the Red Fire were already to make it a Spectacular Affair. Just after he had mowed away No. 2 and had stopped worrying about the Winter’s Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying of Thirst. Then the atmosphere began to be curdled with High Balls and Plymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a Shoe Drummer that a lot of People who had been knocking him would probably be working for him before the Year was out. ”

“ Professor Otis did the Dig Act year after year. At the age of 49 he was still M.A. and owned a House with a Mortgage on it. In the Meantime there had been revolutionary Changes in the World of Finance. Everything on Earth had been put into a Pool. Each Smooth Citizen who had something that was of no particular use to him went to work and Capitalized it. Brad closed out his Interests for so much Money that any one else would have been ashamed to take it. ”

“ I shall go right on through the High School, and then I shall attend College and get a Degree. When I have taken my Degree then I will be the human It. My scholarly Attainments and polished Manner will get me past the Door and into the Inner Circle of the Hot Potatoes. ”

“ So when the Case came up for Trial, the Runt led the august Jim into the Court Room and introduced him as Associate Counsel. A Murmur of admiration ran throughout the Assemblage when Jim showed his Commanding Figure, a Law Book under his Arm and a look of Heavy Responsibility on his Face. Old Atlas, who carries the Globe on his Shoulders, did not seem to be in it with this grand and gloomy Stranger. ”

“ Brad had a bulldog Jaw and large blood-shot Hands and a Neck-Band somewhat larger than his Hat-Band. He jumped the Stockade when they started to teach him Botany. He weighted 180, and he thought he was too large to sit around and count the Petals of the Ox-Eye Daisy when he might be out selling Lightning Rods to the Yaps and making jug-handled Contracts. Accordingly he Dug.
"Bradford is making a great Mistake," said Otis, as he saw his Friend tear from the Institution of Learning. "In order to get a few worldly Chattels right at the jump, he sacrifices his Diploma. I shall be more Foxy. ”

“ The Kind of Music That Is Too Good for Household Use One Evening a little Flock of Our Best People got together at the Home of a Lady who invariably was first over the Fence in the Mad Pursuit of Culture. ”

“ But the original Stand-by was as follows: "Resolved, that Education is better than Wealth."
The Corporate Interests got many a Whack here in the Knowledge Works. Most of the Children wanted to grow up and be like Galileo. They claimed that mere Wealth could not purchase Happiness. ”

“ They sang the hours 38 times and the Young Lady wore out both Wrists doing Rag-Time.
MORAL: It is proper to enjoy the Cheaper Grades of Art, but they should not be formally Indorsed.
The One or Two Points of Difference Between Learning and Learning How In a Red School-House back in the Web-Foot District, it was the Custom to have a Debate every Friday Afternoon. ”