George Colman

“ Mary. I must not tell, sir.
Pereg. Then whither do you come from?
Mary. No body must know, sir.
Pereg. Umph! Then your proceedings, child, are a secret?
Mary. Yes, sir.
Pereg. Yet you appear to need a friend to direct them. A heath is a rare place to find one: in the absence of a better, confide in me.
Mary. You forget that you are a stranger, sir.
Pereg. I always do—when the defenceless want my assistance.
Mary. But, perhaps you might betray me, sir.
Pereg. Never—by the honour of a man!
Mary. Pray don't swear by that, sir! for, then, you'll betray me, I'm certain. ”

“ Simon. Pshaw! you be a foolish old fellow.
Job. Why, that's true. Every now and then a jack-in-office, like you, provokes a man to forget his years. The cudgel is a stout one, and som'at like your master's justice;—'tis a good weapon in weak hands; and that's the way many a rogue escapes a dressing.—What! you are laughing at it?
Simon. Ees.
Job. Ees! you Cornish baboon, in a laced livery!—Here's something to make you grin more—here's half a crown. ”

“ Sir Simon. What! my son marry the daughter of a brazier!
Job. He has ruined the daughter of a brazier.—If the best lord in the land degrades himself by a crime, you can't call his atonement for it a condescension.
Sir Simon. Honest friend—I don't know in what quantities you may sell brass at your shop; but when you come abroad, and ask a baronet to marry his son to your daughter, damn me, if you ar'n't a wholesale dealer!
Job. And I can't tell, Sir Simon, how you may please to retail justice; but when a customer comes to deal largely with you, damn me if you don't shut up the shop windows! ”

“ Job. You are an honest man; so am I; so settle that account as you like.
Pereg. Come forth, then, injured simplicity;—of your own cause you shall be now the arbitress.
Mary. Do not make me speak, sir, I am so humbled—so abash'd——
Job. Nonsense! we are sticking up for right.
Pereg. Will you then speak, Mr. Rochdale?
Frank. My father is bereft of a fortune, sir; but I must hesitate till his fiat is obtained, as much as if he possess'd it.
Sir Simon. Nay, nay; follow your own inclinations now
Frank. May I, sir? Oh, then, let the libertine now make reparation, and claim a wife. ”

“ Sir Simon. Bless me! I've made it monstrous inconvenient!
Shuff. Not a bit—I give you my honour, I did'nt find it inconvenient at all. How is Frank Rochdale?
Sir Simon. Why, my son is'nt up yet; and before he's stirring, do let me talk to you, my dear Tom Shuffleton! I have something near my heart, that—
Shuff. Don't talk about your heart, Baronet;—feeling's quite out of fashion.
Sir Simon. Well, then, I'm interested in——
Shuff. Aye, stick to that. We make a joke of the heart, now-a-days; but when a man mentions his interest, we know he's in earnest.
Sir Simon. Zounds! I am in earnest. ”

“ Mary. Is the gentleman gone, sir?
Pereg. Let him go, child; and be thankful that you have escaped from a villain.
Mary. A villain, sir!
Pereg. The basest; for nothing can be baser than manly strength, in the specious form of protection, injuring an unhappy woman. When we should be props to the lily in the storm, 'tis damnable to spring up like vigorous weeds, and twine about the drooping flower, till we destroy it.
Mary. Then, where are friends to be found, sir? He seemed honest; so do you; but, perhaps, you may be as bad. ”

“ I can't afford an expensive lawsuit, Sir Simon:—and, begging your pardon, I think the law never intended that an injured man, in middling circumstances, should either go without redress, or starve himself to obtain it.
Sir Simon. Whatever advice I can give you, you shall have it for nothing; but I can't jump over justice's hedges and ditches. Courts of law are broad high roads, made for national convenience; if your way lie through them, 'tis but fair you should pay the turnpikes. Who is the offender?
Job. He lives on your estate, Sir Simon. ”

“ Shuff. Speak—but don't be in a passion. We are always cool at the clubs: the constant habit of ruining one another, teaches us temper. Explain.
Sir Simon. Well, I will. You know, my dear Tom, how much I admire your proficiency in the New school of breeding;—you are, what I call, one of the highest finished fellows of the present day.
Shuff. Psha! Baronet; you flatter.
Sir Simon. No, I don't; only in extolling the merits of the newest fashion'd manners and morals, I am sometimes puzzled, by the plain gentlemen, who listen to me, here in the country, most consumedly. ”

“ Justice is justice, Sir Simon. I am a respectable tradesman, your neighbour, and a freeholder.—Seduction is a heinous offence; a magistrate knows no distinction of persons; and a rascal musn't disgrace your estate four and twenty hours longer. ”

“ Sir Simon. I believe you are right. Yet there are but two reasons for not trusting an attorney with your money:—one is, when you don't know him very well; and the other is, when you do.—And now, since the marriage is concluded, as I may say, in the families, may I take the liberty to ask, my lord, what sort of a wife my son Frank may expect in Lady Caroline? Frank is rather of a grave, domestic turn: Lady Caroline, it seems, has passed the three last winters in London. Did her ladyship enter into all the spirit of the first circles? ”

“ When ages, indeed, are nearly equal, nature is prone to breathe so warmly on the blossoms of a friendship between the sexes, that the fruit is desire; but time, fair one, is scattering snow on my temples, while Hebe waves her freshest ringlets over yours. Rely, then, on one who has numbered years sufficient to correct his passions; who has encountered difficulties enough to teach him sympathy; and who would stretch forth his hand to a wandering female, and shelter her like a father.
Mary. Oh, sir! ”

“ Sir Simon. Not that I remember.
Job. I thought I had been telling you his behaviour.
Sir Simon. Umph!
Job. I reckon many of my neighbours honest men, though I can't call them gentlemen;—but I reckon no man a gentleman, that I can't call honest.
Sir Simon. Harkye, neighbour;—if he's a gentleman (and I have several giddy young tenants, with more money than thought) , let him give you a good round sum, and there's an end. ”

“ The irresistible broad humour, which is the predominant quality of this drama, is so exquisitely interspersed with touches of nature more refined, with occasional flashes of wit, and with events so interesting, that, if the production is not of that perfect kind which the most rigid critic demands, he must still acknowledge it as a bond, given under the author's own hand, that he can, if he pleases, produce, in all its various branches, a complete comedy. ”

“ I'll see you righted. Don't be terrified, child—damn it, you know I doat on you: but we are all equals in the eye of the law; and rot me, if I won't make a baronet's son shake in his shoes, for betraying a brazier's daughter. Come, love, come!
Exeunt Job and Mary.
Dennis. There'll be a big boderation at the Manor-house! My customers are all gone, that I was to entertain:—nobody's left but my lambkin, who don't entertain me: Sir Simon's butler gives good Madeira:—so, I'm off, after the rest; and the Red Cow and mother Brulgruddery may take care of one another. ”

“ Noah Starchington is a damn'd old twaddler.—But the fact is, Baronet, we improve. We have voted many qualities to be virtues, now, that they never thought of calling virtues formerly. The rising generation wants a new dictionary, damnably.
Sir Simon. Deplorably, indeed! You can't think, my dear Tom, what a scurvy figure you, and the dashing fellows of your kidney, make in the old ones. But you have great influence over my son Frank; and want you to exert it. ”

“ My daughter's seduction, Sir Simon;—and it has done my heart good to hear your worship say, 'tis your duty to discourage all such immorality.
Sir Simon. To be sure it is;—but men, like you, shou'dn't be too apt to lay hold of every sentiment justice drops, lest you misapply it. 'Tis like an officious footman snatching up his mistress's periwig, and clapping it on again, hind part before. What are you? ”

“ Yet nothing pleases an audience so much as a gift, let who will be the receiver. They should be broken of this vague propensity to give; and be taught, that charity without discrimination is a sensual enjoyment, and, like all sensuality, ought to be restrained: but that charity with discretion, is foremost amongst the virtues, and must not be contaminated with heedless profusion.—Still the author has shown such ingenuity in the event which arises from this incident, that those persons, who despise the silly generosity of Thornberry, are yet highly affected by the gratitude of Peregrine. ”

“ A ruffian, with a crape, puts a pistol to my breast, and robs me of forty shillings;—a scoundrel, with a smiling face, creeps to my fireside, and robs my daughter of her innocence. The judge can't allow restitution to spare the highwayman;—then, pray, Sir Simon,—I wish to speak humbly—pray don't insult the father, by calling money a reparation from the seducer.
Sir Simon. This fellow must be dealt with quietly I see—Justice, my honest friend, is——justice.—As a magistrate, I make no distinction of persons.—Seduction is a heinous offence: and, whatever is in my power, I——
Job. ”

“ Mighty pretty handsel for the Red Cow, my lambkin!
Mrs. Brul. A couple of guineas! Lord, sir! if I thought you had been such a gentleman!—Pray, miss, walk in! your poor dear, little feet must be quite wet with our nasty roads. I beg pardon, sir; but character's every thing in our business; and I never lose sight of my own credit.
Dennis. That you don't—till you see other people's ready money.
Pereg. Go in, child. I shall soon be with you again.
Mary. You will return, then, sir?
Pereg. Speedily. Rely on me.
Mary. I shall, sir;—I am sure I may. Heaven bless you, sir! ”

“ Frank. Take back this letter of recommendation, you wrote for Mary, as a friend. When you assume that name with me, Mr. Shuffleton, for myself I laugh; for you I blush; but for sacred friendship's profanation I grieve.
[Turns from him.
Shuff. That all happens from living so much out of town.
Enter Peregrine, Job Thornberry, and Mary.
Pereg. Now, Sir Simon, as accident seems to have thwarted a design, which probity could never applaud, you may, perhaps, be inclined to do justice here.
Job. Justice is all I come for—damn their favours! Cheer up, Mary!
Sir Simon. [To Pereg.] ”

“ Job. A tradesman, Sir Simon. I have been a freeholder, in this district, for many a year.
Sir Simon. A freeholder!—Zounds! one of Frank's voters, perhaps, and of consequence at his election. [Aside.] Won't you, my good friend, take a chair?
Job. Thank you, Sir Simon, I know my proper place. I didn't come here to sit down with Sir Simon Rochdale, because I am a freeholder; I come to demand my right, because you are a justice.
Sir Simon. A man of respectability, a tradesman, and a freeholder, in such a serious case as yours, had better have recourse to a court of law. ”

“ Sir Simon. Why, Frank! I thought you were walking with Lady Caroline.
Frank. No, sir.
Sir Simon. Ha! I wish you would learn some of the gallantries of the present day from your friend, Tom Shuffleton:—but from being careless of coming up to the fashion, damn it, you go beyond it? for you neglect a woman three days before marriage, as much as half the Tom Shuffletons three months after it.
Frank. As by entering into this marriage, sir, I shall perform the duties of a son, I hope you will do me the justice to suppose I shall not be basely negligent as a husband,
Sir Simon. Frank, you're a fool ”

“ Sir Simon. A hack, Lady Caroline, that the knowing ones have warranted sound.
Lady Car. But what do you think of those that have had such a run lately?
Sir Simon. Why, I think most of them have run too much, and want firing.
[Exeunt Sir Simon, and Lord Fitz Balaam.
Lady Car. I shall die of ennui, in this moping manor house!—Shall I read to-day?—no, I'll walk.—No, I'll——Yes, I'll read first, and walk afterwards. [Rings the Bell, and takes a Book.] —Pope.—Come, as there are no novels, this may be tolerable. This is the most triste house I ever saw! ”

“ Scandal is an ugly, trumpeting devil. Let 'em talk;—a man loses little by parting with a herd of neighbours, who are busiest in publishing his family misfortunes; for they are just the sort of cattle who would never stir over the threshold to prevent 'em.
Dennis. Troth, and that's true;—and some will only sarve you, because you're convenient to 'em, for the time present; just as my customers come to the Red Cow. ”

“ Frank. To discover, that your aim is to torture me, for relinquishing a beloved object, whom you are, at this moment, attaching to yourself;—to know, that a diabolical disposition, for which I cannot account, prompts you to come here, without the probability of benefiting any party, to injure me, and throw a whole family into confusion, on the eve of a marriage. But, in tearing myself from the poor, wronged, Mary, I almost tear my very heart by its fibres from the seat;——but 'tis a sacrifice to a father's repose; and—
Pereg. Hold, sir! ”

“ That you have, my lambkin! You have had one these fifty years, I'll bound for you.
Mrs. Brul. Fifty years! you are the greatest brute that ever dug potatoes.
Re-enter Peregrine, supporting Mary.
Pereg. This way. Cheer your spirits; the ruffian with whom I saw you struggling, has fled across the Heath; but his speed prevented my saving your property. Was your money, too, in the parcel with your clothes?
Mary. All I possessed in the world, sir;—and he has so frighten'd me!—Indeed. I thank you, sir; indeed I do!
Pereg. Come, come, compose yourself. Whither are you going, pretty one? ”