active 1732 John Thomson

“ Those who have never minded an Accident that once happened to a spruce Mercer on Ludgate-Hill, have neglected a Scene of Life that is very entertaining. A genteel young Lady, very richly apparelled, made a full stop, in a Hackney-Coach, at the Door of this sharp-sighted Citizen; who, with his wonted Civility, conducted her into his Shop. ”

“ Some People, unacquainted with this Fellow-feeling at Taverns, often wonder how such a one does to hold it; that he spends a confounded deal of Money, is seldom out of a Tavern, and never in his Business: when, in reality, he is thus never out of his Business, and so helps to run away with the chief Profits of the House. ”

“ The greatest Advantage he has had over her, lies in the most material part of the Commerce between them, the Debate about the Price, which he knows to a Farthing, and she is wholly ignorant of: therefore he no where more egregiously imposes on her Understanding: and tho' here he has the liberty of telling what Lyes he pleases, as to the Prime-Cost, and the Money he has refused, yet he trusts not to them only; but attacking her Vanity, makes her believe the most incredible things in the World, concerning his own Weakness, and her superior Abilities. ”

“ Their intolerable Behaviour has rendered them so contemptible and odious in the Eyes of all Degrees of People whatever, that there is more Joy seen for one Hackney-Coachman's going to the Gallows, than for a Dozen Highway-men and Street-Robbers. ”

“ When two Persons are so well met, the Conversation must be very agreeable, as well as extremely mannerly, tho' they talk about Trifles. Whist she remains irresolute what to take, he seems to be the same in advising her, and is very cautious how to direct her Choice: but when once she has made it, and is fix'd, he immediately becomes positive that it is the best of the sort; extols her Fancy, and the more he looks upon it, the more he wonders he should not before have discovered the pre-eminence of it over any thing he has in his Shop. ”

“ A Coachmaker once assured me, that he seldom made a Coach or Chariot for any Person of great Quality, but that what with the chief of the Men-servants running after himself, and the Women-servants after his Wife, he has been put to such an Expence, as would have fairly bought a pair of Horses to have drawn the Equipage.
As many of our News-Papers are charged with playing Tricks with the Publick, I shall make bold to mention a few of them; and they are chiefly these, Falsity, Absurdity, and Trifling. We are frequently amused with the Lives and Actions of Persons that were never born ”

“ In this plunge of Affairs, we resolve to pick it up by Shillings, Crowns, Guineas, Moidores, &c. at home.
That the one half of this great over-grown Metropolis knows but little [2] how the other is truly supported, is a Maxim, I believe, older than the Walls themselves; that a considerable number of Persons are daily employed and kept in constant pay to go about damaging and destroying all manner of wearing Apparel, when they can find an Opportunity of doing it without any Inconveniences to themselves, is a Fact that will admit of no manner of Dispute. ”

“ A young Gentleman, that had made his Addresses for a long time to the only Daughter of a Widow-Lady, and every one looking upon the thing that it would one Day be a Match, they were permitted to be together frequently alone; to which Opportunity he joined those pressing and prevailing Importunities, that were too hard for a young innocent Creature to withstand. ”

“ The Mercer was carried in Custody to a Tavern, in order to go before a Magistrate, cursing and reviling all the Surgeons as he went along; saying, if those were their Tricks, [31] it was time to give over Trade; and what still vex'd him more, to have his poor innocent Wife call'd pocky B—ch, and himself all the debauch'd Villains into the Bargain. The Surgeon, on the other hand, cries out, A new piece of Villany, a Fellow brings a Whore, and a Bill of Parcels, to rob my House, and has withal the Impudence to boast of a Conversation he has truly had with my Wife in a Hackney-Coach. ”

“ I have been inform'd, that if a Coachman or Carter can decently dash a Gentleman or a Lady that are richly dress'd, when they are walking the Streets, over their Head and Ears, and make due Proof of the Fact, there is not a Draper or Mercer within half a Mile of the Place where the Exploit was perform'd, but who will readily tip the Man a Shilling for his Trouble. ”

“ I knew a Clerk to a Vestry, a Half-pay Officer, a Chancery Sollicitor, and a broken Apothecary, that made a tolerable good Livelihood, by calling into a Tavern all their Friends that passed by the Window in this manner. Their Custom was to sit with a Quart of White-Port before them in a Morning; every Person they decoy'd into their Company for a Minute or two, never threw down less than his Six-pence, and few drank more than one Gill; and if two or three Glasses, he seldom came off with less than one Shilling. The Master of the House constantly provided them with a plain Dinner, gratis. ”

“ One Fellow is professing his Astonishment at the low Prices the things go at, while a Hussey dress'd out for the Day, is bidding against a Woman of Quality, with no intention to buy, but to [37] bring up those that are come thither for no other Purpose to a Price far beyond the real Value. A third Person in the same Circumstance pretends to raise a Dispute, and rails at the Rostrum in behalf of the Company, as a Disguise that he may either decoy or postpone, as occasion shall require. ”

“ Here facing her, with a profound Reverence and modish Phrase, he begs the favour of knowing her Commands. Let her say and dislike what she pleases, she can never be directly contradicted. She deals with a Man in whom consummate Patience is one of the Mysteries of his Trade; and whatever Trouble she creates, she is sure to hear nothing but the most obliging Language; and has always before her a chearful Countenance, where Joy and Respect seem to be blended with Good-Humour, and all together make up an artificial Serenity, more ingaging than untaught Nature is able to produce. ”

“ For besides a Butcher, Poulterer, or Fishmonger's being at the constant beck of the Clerk to a Kitchin, or the Groom of a Chamber, to follow him to a Tavern in the Morning, and bring something that's pretty, to compose a Breakfast for two or three hungry Fellows out of Business, as he shall have in his Company, they must, I say, moreover learn the Art of Brewing, and keep constantly a Cup of good nappy Ale in their Houses, to entertain the Cook, and all the other Gentry of the Kitchen, when they shall please to make a Visit. ”

“ The Fellow receives a good Piece for his bad one, and not content with that alone, insists upon their publick acknowledging their Error, and begging his Pardon for the Affront; to which the People readily comply, and away he is gone in his Chair, to serve as many more Houses as he can in the same manner.
There are at least thirty People that I have my Eye upon every Day who dress in Pig-tail Perriwigs and Velvet Breeches, and appear at Plays and Operas, that have not a Shilling in the World but what they get by these Practices. ”

“ As to a Lady, what she would be at, is to please her Fancy, and buy cheaper by a Shilling or two in the Pound, than the Things she wants are commonly sold at. Upon the approach of her Chariot to one of these Magazines of Trifles, up steps a Gentleman-like Man, that has every thing clean and fashionable about him; who, in low [26] obeisance, pays her homage; and as soon as her pleasure is known that she has a mind to come in, hands her into the Shop ”

“ The Bankruptcies so frequently happening among the Sons of Bacchus, are doubtless to be attributed chiefly to such Leeches as I have been describing, lying so closely upon them; and then an innocent industrious Man is to be call'd forsworn Rogue, Villain, and what not; and to be told that he hath affected a Failure, to sink a dozen or fourteen Shillings in the Pound upon his Creditors, when, in reality, he hath not a single Shilling left in the World ”

“ If any Tradesman has been injuriously treated by the Steward or the House-keeper, who seldom stand high in the Esteem of these lower Domesticks, the Fees are then dispensed with, and they are admitted gratis, or more properly in forma Pauperis, because the Complaint may prove of such a nature, as to bring about a Change in the Ministry of the House, and be the Means of an insolent, haughty, over-bearing Spirit being dismiss'd the Family, and Te Deum sung in the Kitchen and the other lower Offices for a Revolution above-stairs. ”

“ The young Fellows are mostly sure to be their Followers and Admirers, as esteeming it a great Favour to be admitted amongst their Seniors and Betters, thinking to learn to know the World and themselves. ”

“ And if a Person is known to fail in this respect, the next time he comes to the House, he is sure to have the Look which a Court Table-keeper bestows upon a hungry Poet or an Officer in Half-pay, who shall be invited by any Gentleman-Waiter to Dinner, fix'd on him all the time he is eating. ”

“ A little Lottery of all Prizes and no Blanks, for disposing of a few Trifles, being put up by a Tradesman in the City, the highest Prize was a Pint Silver Mug: any one might become an Adventurer for Six-pence, and the Adventurers were to put their Hands in the Glass, and draw the Tickets themselves. ”

“ The Artificers who make a Livelihood by decoying these pretty Puppets away, for the sake of the Guineas and Half Guineas that are usually given for their recovery to the Owners, are fond to pay a close and diligent Attendance near the Doors of such Houses where they are held in the highest Estimation, and at the most proper Seasons. Four in the Afternoon is deem'd a good Hour for a Dog of Quality and Distinction: The dear pretty Soul has had a good Meal, and a thousand Kisses bestow'd on him ”

“ A Man stone-blind may as soon attempt to view the Sun, as a Tradesman or a Pauper to attempt the sight of a Great Man without paying the above Dues; for my Lord shall at one time be very ill, and at another just gone out: one Day he is indisposed, and rested badly, and another Day better, but sees no Company ”

“ What Person is there, of common Humanity amongst us, [6] but must look with the utmost Grief and Concern upon that intolerable number of Wheel-barrows, Stands, and Benches, which are so industriously ranged and disposed thro' all the Streets, Lanes, and Alleys of the Town, retailing various Kinds of damaged and unwholesome Fruits to the Passengers? all which manifestly tend to destroy the Healths of those who are weak enough to purchase them, and oftentimes are the Cause of epidemical Diseases. ”

“ Women of Quality and Fashion will perhaps think themselves no ways liable to any of these Mischances; but I shall convince them, that howsoever secure they may imagine themselves to be from them by their Coaches and Chairs, and other Accommodations, they are yet to be come at by some People they are not well aware of. ”

“ The Persons who fall into this Way of Life, I have observed, are for the most part of pretty voluble Tongues, and are generally well versed in the Politicks and Histories of their own Times, so as to be able to harangue a Company into a good opinion of their Parts and Capacity ”

“ Having pitch'd upon their Man, they [57] pursue him at a proper Distance, till they find an Opportunity to speak with him alone, and then tell him a Person has hired them to watch diligently the Route he shall take for that Day, and upon giving notice thereof, they are to be rewarded; but that, being an unfortunate Man himself, and owing much Money, he would not for his Right-hand set a Gentleman into the hands of a Bailiff. ”

“ The Man or Woman is answer'd by a Volley of Oaths, and the Words run vastly high, till the Chairmen, by peeping through the Windows, perceive their Master has the worst of the Dispute; and then come in bowing with their Heads as crooked as Dolphins, to know if his Honour has any Commands? ”

“ A most satyrical Pamphlet against some Persons in Power, having been ushered into the World by an unknown Hand, and being wrote with much Spirit and Vehemence, the Thing had a prodigious Run upon the Town, so that the Profits arising from the Sale were very considerable. A Bookseller in the City, who happened to be the Proprietor of this Lucky Hit, being at his Shop-door one Evening, a Gentleman pretty humbly habited accosted him, [61] and desired leave to exhibit to him a Copy upon a curious Subject, which, he said, was his own Performance, and which he believed wou'd do ”

“ There are few Women of any Fashion, that make a tolerable Figure in the Beau Monde, but what have a continual clatter of Manteaumakers, Milliners, and Sempstresses about their Ears; besides Tire-Women, and Fortune-Tellers by Coffee-Grounds; together with a Train of Chamber-maids, and old Housekeepers, who have got married, and are permitted to visit the Families they once lived in. ”