“ Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: But now, said the Gentleman, If we should return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart, says Jack; Come, I'll wound you first; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro' the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes. ”

“ A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial, the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, I cry'd out, an please you my Lord, said she: Ay, said one of the Witnesses, but that was Nine Months after.
164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, What, my Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie a little longer and rest yourself. No, my Dear, reply'd the Husband, I'll get up and rest myself. ”

“ An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her, if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold her Husband? ”

“ At length disclosing herself to him, he then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before; Ay, replied he, most Men are more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one. ”

“ Topham was so very tall, that if he was living now, he might be shewn at Yeate's Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town, when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at Home. ”

“ Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in Company with Joe Miller and myself, who said, that being once in great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees, but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands to Prayers, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of the Ship I am but a Passenger. ”

“ Sir William Davenant, the Poet, had no Nose, who going along the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God preserve your Eye-Sight; Sir, the Lord preserve your Eye-Sight. Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my Eye-Sight? Ah! dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your Spectacles on.
34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies was set up in Westminster-Abbey, being ask'd whereabouts, he said in the same Monument with Squire Thyne's for he was his Coachman. ”

“ A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird with him, and having an Irish Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd the Irish Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little Thing would have died in the Fall. ”

“ The same Irishman being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well, now, faith, said he, of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw, this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead.
122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water, did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, 'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? ”

“ The famous Tom Thynn, who was remarkable for his good Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would give him a Mugg of his Small Beer: Why how now, said he, what Times are these! when Beggars must be Choosers. ”

“ I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you; not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, God, Sir, answered the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him, when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a great while, Master, sin I were made. ”

“ Colley, who, notwithstanding his Odes, has now and then said a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he expected to see him hang'd or beggar'd very soon, by G—d, said the Laureat, if I had your Grace's Politicks and Morals you might expect both.
21. Sir Thomas More, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a Boy, who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; thou prayedst so long for a Boy, said Sir Thomas to his Wife, that at last thou hast got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives. ”

“ A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of Tiperary, having attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window, at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by throwing Stones at him; Your Musick, my Friend, said one of his Companions, is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very Stones about you. ”

“ Dr. Sewel, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards Hampstead on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous Daniel Purcel, who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, to make Hay; Very well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season, the Country wants Rakes.
138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, I believe I command more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I must command him ten Times over. ”

“ A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would oftentimes shake his Head, there was nothing in it.
42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find he very punctually kept his Word with him ”

“ I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump of Beef at a Friend's House.
76. An English Gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with shooting, but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little Welch Justices, his Worship told him, that unless he could produce his Qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and he had two little Manors; yes, Sir, said the Englishman, every Body may perceive that, perceive what, cry'd the Welchman? ”

“ An Irishman whom King Charles II. had some Esteem for, being only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just before been cut for a Fistula in her Backside. I humbly thank your Majesty, replied Teague, she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says, it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives.
204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly. ”

“ A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, call'd to him with an insolent Air: Well, honest Fellow, says one of them, 'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, 'Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing Hemp. ”

“ In the great Dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.
231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their Words. One asking a Girl, if she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but you may have me if you will.
232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who had been an old Servant, and said, Ah! ”

“ A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when they went to Billingsgate to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked ”

“ A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at Temple-Bar, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for Forgery: Ay, says he, what is Forgery? They answered him, that Forgery was counterfeiting another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! ”

“ The Man at first Sight of her Face, drew back, and lifting up his Hands, O! Nothing! Madam, Nothing, cry'd he; I cannot say, said my Lady, but I like your Sincerity, tho' I hate your Manners.
60. Sir B—ch—r W——y, in the Beginning of Queen Anne's Reign, and three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the Fountain-Tavern in the Strand, on a Sunday Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars of the Church, no, by G—d, said a Whig, that happened to be in their Company, you can be but the Buttresses, for you never come on the Inside of it. ”

“ I heard it, Madam, reply'd the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every Thing you hear in this Place.
6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more crooked Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then Ram's Horns, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.
7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at Tunbridge, who had made a very large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters ”

“ A Mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient Times, being by his Office a Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where finding a Law against firing a Beacon, or causing any Beacon to be fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it frying of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed ”

“ A Mule! cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a Horse and an Ass.
167. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the House. ”

“ When Sir Cloudsly Shovel set out on his last Expedition, there was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky Expression, that he begged God would be a Rock of Defence to the Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the Monument, set up for him, in Westminster-Abbey, he being cast away in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the Bishop and his Clerks. ”

“ My Lord B——e, had married three Wives that were all his Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all Ladies in Time. ”

“ In Eighty-Eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple-Bar along Fleet-street, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, Do but observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law.
187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of Thyme, but had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw ”

“ A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to Prop-a-Gate. ”

“ Daniel Purcel, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of January, they went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holbourn-Hill, and finding the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they would please to have, why open your Door, said Daniel, and draw us a Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that Day, it was a Fast ”

“ A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one Day at the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the Englishman said, there was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a Kiboo was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass, that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day ”

“ Gun Jones, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a Rag to his A—. ”

“ George Ch——n, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker, asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him her Watch stood, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is so near your ——.
108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it, for Modesty's sake ”