“ Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, he ordered him imperiously to get out of his way. Sir, said the other, I don’t understand this: I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have a right to walk. Do you know, sir, said Mr. Reynell, to whom you speak? I do not, indeed. Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh. Well, sir, but that certainly does not entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a humble pedestrian off it. Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road. If you are, you are a very bad one. You are a very impudent fellow—who are you, sir? I am John, Duke of Montague. ”

“ A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to ask pardon of the House of Commons on his knees, when he rose up, he brushed the knees of his breeches, saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life. ”

“ Penn, a young gentleman well known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, It was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. It is so, said her grace, but why don’t you advise him better? He seems to be a pen that everybody cuts, but nobody mends. ”

“ A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem more afraid now than before! ”

“ The next day the poor curate coming to know his destiny, my lord told him, That he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of it before. The curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness, and was going to withdraw, when my lord calling him back, said with a smile, Well, my friend, ’tis true, I have it not in my power to give you the curacy; but if you will accept of the living ’tis at your service. ”

“ Elliston had many friends and some relations in the church. Visiting one of the latter, who had some occasion to call upon his clerk, who was also the town crier, Elliston accompanied his friend; the crier was from home, and whilst the reverend gentleman explained to the man’s wife the nature of his visit, Elliston looked over two or three things that had been left to be cried that evening, amongst others, one was of a dog lost, who, amid his peculiar spots and blemishes, had “sore eyes;” Elliston always alive for a joke, altered the word sore to four. ”

“ Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her beauty, she answered, that beauty was incompatible with her age. To which Salezzo replied, We say, as beautiful as an angel; and yet the angels are, of all creatures, the most ancient. ”

“ A hero or a martyr dies—she gives one small toot and hangs up her horn. But some obscure person is hot with a jest, and her trumpet brays away in his honor for ages. Then, too, her mendacity—George of England is advertised as a saint, and Joe Miller as a wit. ”

“ An old roundhead in Oliver’s time, complaining of some heavy rain that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, What unreasonable fellows you roundheads are, who will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the king reigns. ”

“ The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, Arrah, an plase your honour, can anything be said to be lost, when you know where it is? ”

“ Flavia, be kind: the remedy’s as sure;
’Tis the most pleasant, and the quickest cure. [269] Under the Picture of a Beau.
This vain thing set up for a man,
But see what fate attends him;
The powdering barber first began,
The barber-surgeon ends him. On a Gentleman drinking the Health of an unkind Mistress.
Why dost thou wish that she may live,
Whose living beauties make thee grieve! ”

“ A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a hurry to finish any matter, used to say, Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner.
285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passionate man, who suppressed his anger, That he thought worse than he spoke; and of an angry man, that would vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse than he thought.
286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in an ill man was like the power of a witch—he could do harm, but no good; as the magicians, said he, could turn water into blood, but could not turn blood into water again. ”

“ It’s light enough, echoed the lad, what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier to make two men, than mend one such as you.
992. A fellow, walking down Holborn Hill on a sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, said the old man, an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run away with it: I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step farther. ”

“ A lady who had married a gentleman that was a tolerable poet, one day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my dear, you write upon other people, prithee write something for me; let me see what epitaph you’ll bestow upon me when I die. ”

“ The doctor called upon him one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of Madeira. Ah, doctor! exclaimed the patient, at the same time reaching out his hand to bid him welcome, I am glad to see you; you are just in time to taste the first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do—they are the cause of all your sufferings! Are they so? cried the patient, then fill your glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better. ”

“ Triboulet, the fool of Francis the First, was threatened with death by a man in power, of whom he had been speaking disrespectfully; and he applied to the king for protection. Be satisfied, said the king; if any man shall put you to death, I will order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour after. Ah, Sir! replied Triboulet, I should be much obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour before. ”

“ A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw him, exclaimed, I see a villain in your countenance. It is the first time, said the prisoner, very coolly, that I knew my countenance was a looking-glass.
1064. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. Ah! doctor, exclaimed his lordship, what brings you here, among these high bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass? ”

“ A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife’s pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he would for it. ”

“ A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, by the help of a tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, What pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to pass for an ass. ”

“ In the time of the Rump, two Rump parliament men being in a boat, said one of them, You watermen are hypocrites; for you row one way and look another. O sir, said one of the watermen, we have not plyed so long at Westminster, but we have learned something of our masters, that is, to pretend one thing and act another. ”

“ Joe Miller sitting one day in the window at the Sun Tavern in Clare Street, a fishwoman and her maid passing by, the woman cried, “Buy my souls, buy my maids.” Ah! you wicked old creature, said honest Joe, what are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid’s too?
4. A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, If she spoke one more crooked word, he’d beat her brains out. ”

“ During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from having fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous varlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, a respectable apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded, in the king’s name, that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon immediately produced them, adding, that as they were useless without the pestles, those also were at his majesty’s service. ”

“ Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, May I pass to my seat, O Giant? When the doctor, politely making way, replied, Pass, O Pigmy! Oh, sir, said the baronet, my expression alluded to the size of your intellect. And my expression, sir, said the doctor, to the size of your’s.
938. An apothecary, who used to value himself on his knowledge of drugs, asserted that all bitter things were [191] hot. No, said a gentleman present, there is one of a very different quality—a bitter cold day. ”

“ Old G——, the rich miser of Gloucestershire, going home one day, between Wickivarr and Badminton, the way being greasy, after a shower of rain, his foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch, where he was almost smothered; a countryman, who knew his character, coming by, he begged him, for God’s sake, to help him. ”

“ A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last.
889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant—the only good belonging to him is under ground. ”

“ The duke asked him, Why he, that eat mostly at other people’s tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in livery only to laugh at him? ’Tis true, answered the poet, he kept but one to laugh at him; but his grace had the honour to keep a dozen.
260. An Irish fellow, vaunting of his birth and family, affirmed, That when he came first to England, he made such a figure, that the bells rang through all the towns he passed to London: Ay, said a gentleman in company, I suppose that was because you came up in a waggon with a bell-team. ”

“ Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conversation is your fighting fool, and your opiniated wit; the one is always talking to show his parts, and the other always quarrelling to show his valour.
294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the folio of himself, bound up in his own calf’s leather, and gilt about the edges.
295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had been a servant, to borrow money of him, received a very scurvy answer, concluding in the following words: Pray, sir, what do you trouble me for? I’ve no money to lend. ”

“ Whilst John, a caustic wag,
Says, it is wonderful to see
How thoroughly their tastes agree,
For, that his wife, as well as he,
Most dearly loves a (k) nag. On the Gout.
Venus and Bacchus both combine
To weaken man with love and wine;
But worse than them we find, no doubt,
Their still more weakening son, the gout. To a Man with a long Nose. ”

“ A young curate, with more pertness than wit or learning, being asked in company, How he came to take it into his head to enter into the ministry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That may be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read the Lord had once need of an ass. ”

“ When king Charles the First was in great anxiety about signing the warrant for the Earl of Strafford’s execution, saying, it was next to death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject; a certain favorite of the king’s standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by telling him, that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his crutch than his leg. ”

“ He’ll lose his pains and verses too;
For if these praises fit not you,
They’ll fit no man alive. On an old Miser.
Here lies father Sparges,
Who died to save charges. On a Grave-stone in Cirencester Church-Yard.
God takes the good, too good on earth to stay,
And leaves the bad, too bad to take away. Dean Swift being sent for by the Lord Carteret, then Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, and being made to wait in the Council Chamber alone, wrote with a Diamond on the Window—
My very good lord, ’tis a very hard task
For a man to wait here who has nothing to ask. ”

“ An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national feeling, was praising Ireland for the cheapness of provisions; a salmon, he said, might be bought for sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir, how came you to leave so cheap a country? Arrah, my dear honey! exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were no sixpences and twopences to be got.
637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical compliments, but one of their admired writers, speaking of a lady’s black eyes, said, That they were in mourning for the murders they had committed. ”

“ A gentleman having written an epitaph on a deceased friend, showed it to Mr. Derrick for his opinion: Sir, said he, I never read anything better suited to the mournful occasion—they are the saddest verses that ever were penned.
1137. A lady of fashion and beauty inveighing against smugglers, Mr. Derrick interrupted her: Hold, madam, be not too severe; I believe it will be found that the blackness of your crimes far exceeds theirs: the people you are railing against, smuggle only a few common goods, for which, they run the risk of losing their lives ”

“ An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying on the street. No, no, said he, I’ll have nothing to do with you; I lost three shillings by your brother yesterday.
[115]
559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician and apothecary he made use of, to look so well at his time of life. Sire, replied the gentleman, my physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass. ”