F. W. Chambers

“ A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother! how could you say what was not the fact." "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."
"CAREFUL, NOW!" "How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter the kitchen I always find a man there?" enquired a mistress.
"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be them there soft shoes ye wears, that don't make no noise," replied Mary. ”

“ MODERN EDUCATION Two navvies were arguing on education of the present day.
One was of opinion that it was practically of little use, the other that it was of the greatest value. "Look at my boy Jack," he said, "he can answer any question you like to ask him. Here he comes, bringing my dinner. You ask him anything you like." ”

“ MERCY An old woman walking down the church aisle during service in a large red cloak, heard the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" then the clerk repeated, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" and then the whole congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" "Bless my heart!" cried she, stopping short, "did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak before."
A BULL "Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish 'bull'?" asked an inquiring tourist. "Well, if your honour has seen four cows lying down in a field, an' one of them standing up, that 'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat triumphantly. ”

“ THE OLD FARMER An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of recovery.
Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened his eyes, and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: "Mary, that's a nice smell, it's just like a ham cooking. I almost think I could eat a little, if it is cooked." ”

“ A COMMON DIFFICULTY A man who had a large family, and but very moderate means to support them, was lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a large fortune how difficult it was to make both ends meet. "We should not repine," replied his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends food." "That I do not deny," replied the other; "only permit me to observe, He has sent me the mouths, and you the food."
MARY JONES The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon service, was trying to interest the children in the Burial Service. ”

“ THE POOR IDIOT A dull preacher in a country church sent all the congregation to sleep, except an idiot, who sat with open mouth, listening. The parson became enraged, and, thumping the pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this poor idiot!" "Aye," replied the lad, "and if I had not been a poor idiot, I should have been asleep too."
A WELSH WIG-GING An Englishman and a Welshman were disputing in whose country was the best living. Said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner." ”

“ THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE A man once went to purchase a horse of a Quaker. "Will he draw well?" asked the buyer. "Thee wilt be pleased to see him draw." The bargain was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a step. He returned and said, "That horse will not draw an inch." "I did not tell thee that it would draw, friend, I only remarked that it would please thee to see him draw, so it would me, but he would never gratify me in that respect."
CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. ”

“ I went to night school all one winter." "An' what did you get to show for it, Pat?" "What did I get? I got four overcoats, three hats, and seven umbrellas. Don't you tell me that going to school is a waste of time."
A LONG GRACE A parish minister was in the habit of preaching two sermons on a Sunday morning to save his parishioners another journey to church. A young girl in the congregation became so tired and hungry that at the beginning of the second sermon she whispered to her grandmother, who accompanied her, "Come awa', granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace, and na meat." ”

“ In this disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door and inquired if he was at home. The housekeeper replied, "Yes." "Can I see him?" "Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see thee." The bailiff, confident of success, walked in, and after waiting nearly an hour, rung a bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said, "Thou promised me I should see friend Aminadab." "No, friend," answered the housekeeper, "I promised he should see thee. He hath seen thee, but he doth not like thee."
IMAGINATION A small boy walking across a common with his mother espied a bunny. ”

“ THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir Nicholas Bacon, who in the time of Elizabeth was importuned by a criminal to spare his life on account of kinship.
"How so?" demanded the judge.
"Because my name is Hog and yours is Bacon; and hog and bacon are so near akin that they cannot be separated."
"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but you and I cannot yet be kindred--for the hog is not bacon until it be well hanged."
UNION IS STRENGTH A country traveller was asked by the landlord of the inn at which he had put up how he had slept. ”

“ MULTIPLICATION The little boy was discovered in front of the rabbit-hutch with a perplexed frown on his forehead. "What's twice two?" he shouted. No response. "What's twice two?" he repeated. "There, I knew teacher was wrong when he said rabbits multiply quickly."
A BIBLICAL STORY A clergyman during his first curacy found the ladies of the parish too helpful. He soon left the place. Some while later he met his successor. "How are you getting on with the ladies?" asked the escaped curate. "Oh, very well," was the answer, "there's safety in numbers." ”

“ ENVY A drunken man was found by the roadside in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had perceived him to be merely intoxicated; "by the powers, I wish I had just half his disease!"
A HAT FOR NOTHING An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a hat, for which fifteen shillings were demanded. He offered twelve shillings. "As I live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford to give it thee at that price." "As you live!" ”

“ MANNERS A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied by a farm lad, who was eating his bread and bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt to allow his reverence to pass, was told that he seemed to be "better fed than taught." "Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye teaches Oi, but Oi feeds meself."
SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. ”

“ A NEW TEXT A man having been to church and slept through the greater part of the service was asked by his wife on reaching home what text had been used for the sermon. The husband, confused at the question and unwilling to show his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth it a man if he lose the whole world and gain his own soul."
AN AUCTION Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following: "The highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman bids more."
A REAL SPORT A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could not get any sport. ”

“ SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT The late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his Lordship, "you are a very great rogue." "Not so great a rogue as you, my lord, t-t-t-takes me to be."
THE UNWELCOME GUEST A man who was fond of visiting his friends and outstaying his welcome had been cordially received by a Quaker who treated him with attention and politeness for some days. ”

“ DEAD AS A DOORNAIL An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord if the report of his intended second marriage was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner." "But your first wife has only been dead a week, Pat," said the landlord. "An' shure," retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever will be, yer honner."
FAITH A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a candidate for a vacant see in the gift of the Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lordship to present his application. Said the Chancellor, "What influence do you possess?" "None," said the candidate, "except faith. ”

“ I wouldn't care about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honour."
THE CHURCH ORGAN "Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou hast got such a fine organ in thy church." "But," said the clergyman, "I thought you were strongly opposed to having an organ in a church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, "but then if thou wilt worship the Lord by machinery, I would like thee to have a first-rate instrument."
COMMON PRAYER A little boy had been brought up with much care. On his eighth birthday he was given a nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt. ”

“ Perhaps you may think I will be an advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell of all your wicked actions." Upon this one of the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed, "Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey; the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence." ”

“ A WARM PROSPECT A well-known judge was credited with being parsimonious. A friend once asked him, "What are you going to do with your money? You cannot take it with you, and if you could it would melt!"
A SOPORIFIC STORY The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove that he had not offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. ”

“ THE PRAYER MEETING A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute habits. "I was surprised but very glad to see you at the prayer meeting last evening," he said. "So that's where I was!" replied the man.
TAKING TIME An old negro was taken ill, and called in a physician of his own race. After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man's pulse, and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked. ”

“ Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk home."
A SMART BOY A boy of only nine years old was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, "I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is." "My Lord," replied the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell me where He is not."
WEARING ROUGE There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who was a saint and yet had a good deal of wit. A lady went to consult him whether she might wear rouge ”

“ A FRIEND OF SATAN A clergyman who was an enthusiastic geologist always carried his specimens about in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry their dinners in. One day, as he was returning home with the handkerchief full of specimens, he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well swearing vigorously because he could not make the windlass work. ”

“ HOW TO GET WARM A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage with a fashionable lady decked with a profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the cold. Shivering in her lace bonnet and shawl, as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed, "What shall I do to get warm?" "I really don't know," replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put on another breast-pin."
NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock ”

“ BRIGHT AND SHARP A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versa. ”

“ CUT AND COME AGAIN A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"
THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit a sick man. ”

“ PIGS The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and, seeing the small son of the farmer outside, asks the youngster where his father is, and gets the following reply: "Father is in yonder field with the pigs. You'll know him--he's got a 'at on!"
BACON AND THE DEVIL A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse which proved to be unsound. Meeting the seller shortly after he taxed him with bad faith and asked him to take the horse back again. ”

“ THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN An Englishman being doubtful of his way inquired if he were on the right road to Dunkeld. With the national inquisitiveness about strangers the countryman asked his inquirer where he came from. Offended at the liberty as he considered it, the traveller reminded the man that where he came from was nothing to him, but all the reply he got was the quiet rejoinder. "Indeed, it's just as little to me whar ye'r gaen."
A VIOLENT PARTNER A gentleman well-known for the violence of his temper had occasion to escort a lady down to dinner one evening. ”