Anonymous

“ The clergyman of a village, a few miles south from Edinburgh, (which is almost entirely surrounded by colliers,) being one day engaged in examining his parishioners on the principles of the Christian religion, and finding them extremely deficient in their knowledge of these divine truths, felt it his duty to display, in pretty strong terms, the punishment that awaited the wicked in a future world; observing, that they would be cast into a place of utter darkness, where there would be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth. ”

“ An Irish servant being struck by his master, cried out, Devil take me, if I am certain whether he has killed me or not, but if I am dead it will afford me great satisfaction to hear the old rogue was hanged for killing me. ”

“ The holy man warmly exhorted the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and black catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise he would have a tremendous account to give at the great day of retribution, when all the crimes he had committed in this world would appear in dreadful array, as evidence of his guilt.—Och! Sir, cries the dying man, and will a' the sheeps, the cows, and ilka thing Donald has help herself to be there. Undoubtedly, replied the parson.—Then let ilka shentleman tak' her nain, and Donald will be an honest man again. ”

“ Hold up your head, said the officer, elevating the chin of the Irishman with the end of his cane, to an angle of nearly forty degrees, hold up your head so.—And must I always do so, captain? asked the recruit. Yes, always, answered the officer. Then fare you well, my dear little fellow, rejoined Paddy, for I shall never see you more.
A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress, as he thought, begged of her to tell him what she called it. The lady, a little surprised at the question, called him an impertinent fellow. ”

“ An Irishman, who was a prisoner for stealing a gun, hearing this successful defence, prevailed on a fellow countryman of his, to swear that he remembered the gun in his possession ever since it was a pistol. ”

“ A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air, "Well, honest fellow, (said he) 'tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, "'Tis very likely you may for I am sowing hemp."
A country fellow, just come up to London, and peeping into every shop as he passed by, at last looked into a scrivener's; where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, could not imagine what was sold there, and calling to the clerk, said, pray sir, what do you sell? ”

“ An Irishman in the late General Washington's army, being separated from his companions, was met by five Hessian soldiers, Pat seeing his danger, ordered them to surrender.—They, suspecting him to be backed by numbers, immediately obeyed. Pat shouldered their arms and marched them to the General's tent, when being asked how a single man durst encounter five. ”

“ Barrymore happening to come late to the theatre, and having to dress for his part, was driven to the last moment, when, to heighten his perplexity, the key of his drawer was amissing.—'D—n it," said he, "I must have swallowed it." 'Never mind," says Jack Bannister, "if you have, it will serve to open your chest." ”

“ The waggoner knowing them, answered, that his fore horse was a lawyer, and the rest were his clients.
An Irishman, a short time since, bade an extraordinary price for an alarm clock, and gave as a reason, that, as he loved to rise early, he had now nothing to do but pull the string, and he would wake himself.
A countryman, at Burry assizes, was indicted and arraigned for stealing a goose ”

“ Gill once preaching on human inability, a gentleman present was much offended, and took him to task for degrading human nature—The doctor said, pray, sir, what do you think men can contribute to their own conversion? ”

“ A Highlander having gone with his master into the church of Notre-Dame at Paris to hear high mass, was very much delighted with the magnificence of the edifice, the splendour of the clergymen's dresses, and the divine harmony of the music. On leaving church, his master asked him how he liked the performance? Oh, Sir, 'twas wondrous fine,' replied Donald, 'God is served here like a shentleman ”

“ That's well, (said Lord S.) we lawyers have occasion for long heads! The barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last declared, that he could not possibly contain himself, when he discovered that his Lordship's head was just as thick as it was long!
A certain Bishop had a Biscayan man-servant, whom he ordered one festival to go to a butcher, who was called David, for a piece of meat, and then come to the church, where the Bishop was to preach. ”

“ Being a new face, and extremely elegant, he attracted the attention of the whole company. A general murmur prevailed in the room, to know what he was? Lady W——— instantly made answer, loud enough to be heard, Oh, don't you know him? It is young Bible, bound in calf, and gilt, but not lettered!
An Irishman, one day was walking on the streets of Belfast, found a light Guinea, and got 18s. for it ”

“ Only a shilling a-piece, sir. Why then, quoth the doctor, you have earned a great deal of money in a little time.—Yes, yes, sir, says John, throwing his bag of soot over his shoulder, we black coats get our money easy enough.
A countryman going into the office of the Commons where the wills are kept, and gazing on the huge volumes on the shelves, asked if these were all bibles? No, Sir, answered one of the clerks, they are testaments.
A countryman very much marked with the small pox, applied to a justice of peace for redress in an affair where one of his neighbours had ill-treated him ”

“ An't plaise your honour, says Pat, making the due obeisance, it is becaus the Colonel and the regiment are not on spaiking terms
During the high price of coals, a gentleman meeting his coal merchant, inquired whether it was proper to lay in a stock. The knight of the black diamond shook his head, observing, Coals are Coals now, Sir! ”