“ A few phrases, such as "Erin go bragh," "Begorra ye spalpeen," "Acushla mavourneen," &c., are easily learnt, and the trouble involved is amply repaid in the simple joy of the natives on hearing a foreigner speak their own language.
English gold is accepted in Ireland, and the rate [Pg 137] of exchange works out at twenty shillings to the sovereign. Two sixpences will always be accepted in lieu of a shilling.
N.B.—To avoid disappointment to naturalists and others we think it right to mention that since the late raid of St. Patrick there are no snakes of first-rate quality in Ireland. ”

“ Ireland not able to compete with the foreigner! Perish the thought! A little technical education judiciously applied will soon teach the Irish fowl not to lay "shop 'uns."
Tantalus.—Irish Waiter (to Commercial Gent, who had done a good stroke of business already) . "Brikfast! Yessir. What'll ye have, yer honour—tay or coffee?" ”

“ Don't you see the mare is running away?" Paddy. "Hould tight, yer 'onor! For yer life don't touch the reins!—sure they're as rotten as pears! I'll turn her into the river at the bridge below here! Sure that'll stop her, the blagyard!"
[Pg 157]
Irish Waiter (to bow-legged traveller in the coffee-room) . "Big pardon, sor. Hadn't your honour better move a little further from the foire?" Traveller (fiercely) . "Eh? Wha' for? Wha'd ye mean!?" Irish Waiter. "Och shure, sor, yer legs is warpin'!—Och! phew! most turrible!"
[Pg 158]
Domestic Training.—District Visitor. ”

“ Wid yer plidges! Instid o' takin' plidges ye're always breakin', ye'd better make no promises at-all-at-all—and kape 'em!!"
[Pg 116]
The Wonders of Science.—The Principal (from the City, through the telephone, to the foreman at the "Works") . "How do you get on, Pat?" Irish Foreman (in great awe of the instrument) . "Very well, sir. The goods is sent off." The Principal (knowing Pat's failing) . "What have you got to drink there?" Pat (startled) . "Och! look at that now! It's me breath that done it!"
[Pg 117]
"Age cannot wither—nor custom stale
His infinite variety"! ”

“ You look all broken up!" "Well, yer 'anner, I wint to wan iv thim 'shtop-the-war' meetings lasht noight!"
[Pg 14]
IRISH PROVERBS
Every goose thinks his wife a duck.
No news in a newspaper isn't good news.
Manners make the gentleman, and the want of them drives him elsewhere for his shooting.
A miss is as good as a mile of old women.
Too many cooks spoil the broth of a boy.
It's foolish to spoil one's dinner for a ha'porth of tarts.
There are as fine bulls in Ireland as ever came out of it.
Necessity has no law, but an uncommon number of lawyers. ”

“ You see her body won't show, by rason o' the housin's, and I'll have to wash her clane ag'in for Miss McGinnety's weddin' on the morrow!!"
[Pg 164]
"Exclusive Dealing."—Irish Landlord (boycotted) . "Pat, my man, I'm in no end of a hurry. Put the pony to, and drive me to the station, and I'll give ye half a sovereign!" Pat (Nationalist, but needy) . "Och shure, it's more than me loife is worth to be seen droiving you, yer honour. But"—slily—"if yer honour would jist droive me, maybe it's meself that moight venture it!" ”

“ He makes the most of the Irishman's traditional weakness for "##bulls" whisky, fighting, and living with his pigs, but he gets an immense amount of variety out of these themes, and does not neglect to touch upon other typically Irish characteristics. If you have examples of the Irishman's blunderings, you have examples also of his ready wit and his amazing talent for blarney.
[Pg 6]
We have thus in the present volume a delightful collection of Irish wit and high spirits. The happy-go-lucky characteristic of Pat is especially prominent in many of the jokes, and interpreting Mr. ”

“ An Annual Budget shall be presented to the House once a quarter.
4. Shilelaghs, revolvers, and pikes, shall not be introduced into the House, except when accompanied by a Member.
5. A Member shall be bound to attend every debate. A Member, however, shall be excused if he gets up in his place in the House and announces [Pg 53] that he would be present were he not ill at home in bed.
Scene—An Irish Station. Fair Day
Porter. ”

“ Driver. "Shure, sorr, I haven't the heart to bate him." Traveller. "What's the matter with him? Is he sick?" Driver. "No, sor, he's not sick, but it's unlucky 'e is, sor, unlucky! You see, sor, every morning, afore I put 'im in the car, I tosses 'im whether 'ell have a feed of oats, or I'll have a dhrink of whisky, an' the poor baste has lost five mornings running!"
[Pg 155]
A SAFE WIN (?)
Pat (in corner, to chaffing friend, who knows him to have backed beaten horse) . "Goin' to lose, am Oi! Faith, an' Oi'm not! Shure, Oi've got a troifle on every blissed horse in the race!" ”

“ Irish Vaccination.—Professor Gamgee says that, owing to the vagrant cur nuisance, "Hydrophobia in man is increasing in Ireland." This fact is one which homœopathy may suggest some reason for not altogether deploring. The canine virus and the vaccine may be somewhat analogous; and, if like cures like, many a happy cure may be effected by a mad dog biting a rabid Irishman.
[Pg 37]
Irishman (whose mate has just fallen overboard with the bucket while swabbing decks) . "Plaze, captin, do ye rimimber that Scotchie ye tuk aboard the same toime as ye did me? ”

“ Money makes the gentleman, the want of it the blackguard.
When wise men fall out, then rogues come by what is not their own.
A Bitter Bad Fruit.—A patriotic Irishman, expatiating eloquently upon the Lodge disturbances that were so repeatedly taking place in his country, exclaimed wildly: "By Jove, sir, you may call the Orange the Apple of Discord of Ireland."
[Pg 17]
Irate Station-master. "What the divil are ye waitin' for?"
Engine-driver. "Can't ye see the signals is against me?"
Station-master. "Is it the signals? Sure now, ye're gettin' mighty particular!"
[Pg 18]
Paddy. ”

“ The information must be authentic, for there is no authority like an Irish Member where the "speech limit" is concerned.
An Irish Bull on the Line.—"The directors of the Dublin, Wicklow and Wexford Railway Company are prepared to receive tenders for the purchase of about 750 tons of old steel rails and permanent way scrap. The directors do not bind themselves to accept the lowest or any tender."— [Italics by Mr. Punch.]
[Pg 149]
FROM ERIN
Restaurant Waiter. ”

“ Rider (Irish) . "Faith, me boy, that dimonstrates the advantage of a big horse; for, if ye saw the tail of him a thrifle behind, shure the other end of him was a wee bit in front?"
Confession in Confusion.—Priest. "Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to chapel?"
Pat. "Will, now, shure, oi'll till yer riv'rince the trut'. Faix, I go as often as I can avoid!" ”

“ The principal exports are emigrants, M.P.s, shamrocks, Dublin Fusiliers, Field Marshals, real lace, and cigars.
A full list of "Previous Royal Visits to Ireland and other Countries" will be found in another column of some other paper.
[Pg 135]
Irish Chambermaid (indignantly, to gay Lothario who has tried to snatch a kiss and been foiled) . "Ye dare! If it wasn't for soilin' me hands wid ye I'd kick ye downstairs!"
[Pg 136]
Dublin is the capital of the country, and is pronounced very much like the English word "doubling," with the final "g" omitted.
PROOF
Master. ”

“ The cabin positively isn't fit to live in! Why, you're ankle-deep in——" Pat. "Och sure, sor, it's a mighty convanient house, an' that's an iligant spring in the flure, sor. No throuble to go outside for watter whatever!!"
[Pg 60]
Rather too Literal.—Country Gentleman (in a rage) . "Why, what have you been up to, you idiot? You've let him down, and——" New Groom. "Yes, yer honner, ye tould me to break him; an' bruk he is, knees an' all, worse luck!"
[Pg 61]
"Ready, aye Ready!" Officer "Royal Irish." "Why were you late in barracks last night, Private Atkins?" Private Atkins. ”

“ Irish Gentleman (who has vainly endeavoured to execute a jig to the fitful music of the telegraph wires) . "Shure! whoiver y'are ye can't play a bit! How can a jintleman dance— (hic!) —iv ye don't kape thime?"!!
[Pg 32]
The Cockney who said he valued Switzerland for its mountain hair has a supporter in a writer in the Irish Independent, who remarks: "There are many mountains in the country now bare and desolate, whose brows, if whiskered with forests, would present a striking appearance."
Geographical Catechism.—Q. What do we now call the Isle of Patmos?
A. Ireland. ”

“ The Foreign Office will be presided over by a patriotic editor who has travelled in New South Wales and is thoroughly conversant with its language.
Instead of bulwarks, the island will be fortified by Irish bulls; our military engineers being of opinion that no other horn-works are so efficient or necessary.
[Pg 69]
The Triumphs of Temper.—Fare (out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a mile) . "Hi, this won't do! I shall get out!" Cabby (through the trap, in a whisper) . "Ah thin, sor, niver mind her! Sit still! Don't give her the satisfaction av knowin' she's got rid av ye!!" ”

“ Paddy. "Well, yer honour, countin' the rabbits, there is nine distinct spaycies o' birds!"
"THE FINEST PLEASANTRY IN THE WORLD"
[" ... the Court was in an uproar from the moment the magistrates took their seats.... Counsel for the Crown was rudely interrupted by the defendants ... much to the delight of the crowd.... After some particularly riotous scenes the police were called on to clear the court.... One of the defendants was supplied with meat and bread in court."—Globe.] ”

“ Pat. "Phwat for ud Oi be wantin' a returrn ticket when Oi'm here already?"
[Pg 68]
Every man shall be qualified to sit in Congress that is a 10 lb. pig-holder, provided that the pig and the member sleep under the same roof.
Members of Congress will be remunerated for their public services. Gentlemen wearing gloves only to have the privilege of shaking the president's hand. The unwashed to be paid at the door.
Pipes will not be allowed on the Opposition benches, nor may any member take whiskey until challenged by the president. ”

“ Pat. "Yes, yer honnor. I'm just listenin' to them impenitent boys drinking inside!"
[Pg 106]
EXTRACTS FROM THE IRISH HUE AND CRY
Tony Gowan is advertised of having lost "a pig with a very long tail, and a black spot on the tip of its snout that curls up behind."
A cow is described as "very difficult to milk, and of no use to anyone but the owner, with one horn much longer than the other." ”

“ Scene—Cottage in West of Ireland during a rainstorm.
Tourist. "Why don't you mend those big holes in the roof?" Pat. "Wud your honour have me go out an' mend it in all this rain?" Tourist. "No. But you could do it when it is fine." Pat. "Shure, your honour, there's no need to do it thin!"
[Pg 98]
"Not Kilt, but Spacheless"—At Clonakilty Sessions the other day, the following evidence was given:—
"Patrick Feen was examined, and stated he resided at Dunnycove, parish of Ardfield.... ”

“ The O'Pummel. "'The chair' had betther not, onless he loikes to stip out, and take his coat off!!" [Confusion—exeunt fighting.
[Pg 24]
The Headless Man again.—Stock-jobber (to new Irish clerk, who is working out the Bull and Bear list) . "Hullo, why do you write "B" against your results?"
Clerk. "Shure, sir, that's for "Bull," to distinguish them from "Bear.""
Very Irish Rendering of an Old Song.—"'Tis my daylight on a shiny night!"
A Taste of the Times.—Mr. Molony, Irish Farmer (to Mr. Flynn, the Agent) . ”

“ Dooley. "What's the matter wid ye anyhow, Mick—all tattered an' torrun an' bitten an' scratched all over?"
Mick. "Ay, an' me own dog done it! I want home sober last noight, an' the baste didn't know me!"
[Pg 153]
Pat (who has been acting as guide, and has been pointing out the devil's this and the devil's that for the last two hours) . "An' that's the devil's puch-bowl, yer anner." Tourist. "The devil seems to own a good deal of property about here, Pat!" Pat. "Ye're roight, yer anner. But, loike most av the other landlords, he spinds most av his toime in London!"
[Pg 154]
Traveller. ”

“ Generally Applicable.— (Scene—Irish Land Court) . Sub-Commissioner. "Now, Murphy, have you effected any improvement in this farm?" Tenant. "I have, yer honour! Iver since I got it I've been improvin' it. But, by jabers, it's that sort o' land, the more ye 'mprove 'it the worrse it gets!!"
[Court reduces the rent 25 per cent.!
[Pg 166]
"A Pleasant Prospect."—Car-Driver (to new agent) . "Begorra, the wondher is he wasn't shot long before—but, shure, they say, what's iverybody's business is nobody's business!"
[Pg 167]
Life in Leitrim.—Saxon Angler. ”

“ Irish Dealer. "Ach, begorra, would ye run over the cushtomers? Sure, it's scarce enough they are!"
[Pg 63]
Supererogation.—Humanitarian. "Couldn't you manage to put a little more flesh on your poor horses' bones? He's frightfully thin!" Car-driver. "Bedad, surr, what's the use o' that? The poor baste can hardly carry what he's got a'ready!"
[Pg 64]
Mrs. ”

“ It's foive-and-sixpence including the cigyar, and that makes six shillings, sorr!"
[Pg 150]
"A Word and a Blow!"—First Gent (Celt) . "Ye met'm at me brother's, the mimber, I think?" Second Gent (Saxon) . "Yes, but I haven't any favourable impression of him—'n fact—um—he struck me as a liar." First Gent. "Did he, thin?! I hope ye hit'm back, surr!"
[Pg 151]
Boys at play (after an execution) .—First Kilkenny "Boy." "Did ye see the cock-fightin' at Pat Daly's lasst night?" Second Kilkenny "Boy." "I did not." First Kilkenny "Boy." "Did ye see the 'boys' 'suffer-r,' this mornin'?" ”