Anonymous

“ When they awoke that morning Pat related his dream.
“I dreamt that angels carried me up to heaven.”
“You’re right,” chimed Mike. “I saw you going up and thought you would never come back, so I got up, cooked the fowls and ate them.”
[42]
IN IRELAND.
“We never needed any of them new-fangled scales in Ireland,” said O’Hara. “There’s an aisy way to weigh a pig without scales. You get a plank and put it across a stool. Then you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end of the plank and the stone on the other end, and shift the plank until they balance. ”

“ Mike O’Mulligan (In hospital operating room, just recovering from effects of chloroform) —“Och, be the powers, where am I? Where is it I am, at all, at all?”
Surgeon Sawbones (with a wink to his assistant) —“In Heaven.”
Mulligan (looking around) —“Thin I’d like to know phwat the pair of yez is doin’ here?”
GOOD LOGIC
Pat—“I say, Mick, I’m very hard up. Can you lind me the loan of a dollar?”
Mick—“Begorro, Pat, to tell yer the thruth, I haven’t a dime on me. Every penny I get I give to my poor old mother.” ”

“ Pat got angry at this, and, turning to the lady, said:
“Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn’t use your bloomin’ ould telephone at all!”
Pat had just arrived from Ireland when Mike, who had been in America for some years, spied him.
“Faith, Pat!” exclaimed Mike, “what are you doing over here?”
“I’ve come over,” answered Pat, “to try if I can make an honest living.”
“Begorra, Mike, me boy, that’s dead aisy over here, for it’s dommed little competition you’ll have in this country.”
[45]
In the court-house an Irishman stood charged with stealing a watch from a fellow citizen. ”

“ During some building operations it was necessary for the workmen to walk across a single plank some distance from the ground. Whenever it came to Pat’s turn, the foreman noticed that he walked across on all fours. So he went up to Pat and asked contemptuously:
“What’s the trouble, man? Are you afraid of walking on the plank?”
“No, begorra,” said Pat, “but I’m afraid of walking off it.”
“What do we need for dinner, Bridget?” asked the lady of the house.
“Shure, mum, Oi tripped over th’ cat an’ we nade a complete new set av dishes.” ”

“ Mick—“Oh, well, Pat if I don’t give my poor old mother a cent, what sort of a chance have you got of getting any?”
[59]
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“ People that take all things literally are apt to tread on other people’s toes. The Irishman who walked in where he saw a sign, “Walk in,” and who was ordered out by the lawyer was a literal man, and so was the man that went into a pawnbroker’s shop and demanded ten dollars because there was a placard in the window that read,“Look at this watch for ten dollars.” ”

“ Pat—“That McGinty is a fine fellow.”
Mick—“Is he?”
Pat—“He is, indeed. Great friend of mine. Did you notice how heartily he shook hands with me?”
Mick—“I did.”
Pat—“Great friend of mine. He wasn’t satisfied with shaking one hand, but he grabbed hold of both.”
Mick—“I suppose he thought his watch and chain would be safer that way.”
EASY FOR PADDY.
At a political meeting an Irishman watched closely the trombone player in the band. Presently the man laid down his instrument and went out for a beer. Paddy investigated, and promptly pulled the horn to pieces. The player returned. ”

“ A traveler finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they narrowly escaped several collisions.
“What’s the matter?” demanded the passenger. “Why are you driving so recklessly? I’m in no hurry.”
“Ah, g’wan wid yez,” retorted the cabby. “D’ye think thot I’m goin’ to put in me whole day drivin’ ye around for two hours? Gitap!” ”

“ Casey, it is bad news I have to bring you. Your husband, Mike, has turned an A. P. A.”
“Mike turned A. P. A.! The scoundrel, I hope he is dead.”
“He is,” answered Pat.
THEIR USE.
“What good are the figures set down in these railway time-tables?” asked the sarcastic and angry would-be passenger.
“Why,” explained the genial Irish station-master, “if it weren’t for them figures we’d have no way of findin’ out how late the trains are.”
[36]
Tom Callahan got a job on the section working for a railroad. ”

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“ Mike—“Pat, kin yez tell me what kapes them bricks together?”
Pat—“Sure, Mike; it’s the mortar.”
Mike—“Not by a dom sight; that keeps them apart.”
“The noight was that dark, Moike,” said Pat, while relating a past experience; “that no matther how far oi looked oi couldn’t see a step ahead of me.”
An Irishman came home from work one day and said to his wife: “Mary, we had an awful accident on the job to-day!”
“Was annyone hurt?” she asked.
“Well,” he said, “there was twenty-one Eyetalians and one Irishman killed!”
“Well,” said she, “isn’t it too bad about the poor fellow!” ”

“ One warm afternoon, while walking along the line, he found one of his men placidly sleeping on the embankment. The “boss” looked disgustedly at the delinquent for a full minute, and then remarked:
“Slape on, ye lazy spalpeen, slape on, fur as long as you slape you’ve got a job, but when you wake up you ain’t got none.”
[44]
WOULDN’T NEED TO.
Pat walked into the Post Office. After getting into the telephone box he called a wrong number. As there was no such number the switch attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer. ”

“ Pat—“An’ what did your ould woman say whin ye come in at three o’clock this mornin’?”
Mike—“Sure, the darlin’ soul never said a worrud. An I was goin’ to have thim two front teeth pulled out anyway.”
Pat (going to battle) : Why are you carrying that comb?
Mike: Sur’in fate, ’tis the easiest one to part with.
Mrs. Murphy:—“Did yez hear of the awful fright Harry got on his weddin’ day?”
Her Husband:—“Shure, and don’t Oi know it, wasn’t Oi there—and didn’t Oi see her.” ”

“ Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in room 97 who says the rain came through the skylight last night and wet him to the skin.”
“Wet him to th’ skin; charge him 25 cents extra fer th’ bath. G’wan out av here!”
Caller—“Your master’s not at home, eh, Pat?”
Pat—“No, sor; he do be in the ould country these t’ree wakes, sor.”
Caller—“Excuse me, Pat, but how is it when your mistress is on this side of the water master’s on the other, and vice versa? Is there trouble between them?”
Pat—“None at all, sor; only they have agrade bechune ’em that they can live together better when they’re apart.” ”

“ The Irishman was frank. “It’s loike this,” he said. “Oi put up a pole in the back yard, with the monkey on the top. Ten or twelve trains of cars loaded with coal go by here every evenin’. There’s men on every car. Every man takes a heave at the monk. Divil a wan has hit him, but Oi have sivin tons of coal.”
PRETTY LOUD.
An Irishman came to a doctor complaining that he had noises in his head.
“Oi have them all the time,” he said, “an’ sometimes Oi can hear thim fifty feet away.”
[8]
“Phwat koind av a room would yez loike to hov, sor? ”

“ Oi wint out to this Fort Hamilton th’ other day wid Biddy boi me soide, for Oi got to thinkin’ thot it wur th’ dooty av ivry citizen to make himself acquainted wid all thot phwich makes his counthry great. An’ it’s barely in the grounds we are befoor wan av thim sentries sez, sez he, ‘Who goes there?’”
“‘Phwere?’ I asks, turnin’ round.
“Who goes there!” he yells wance agin wid a thrifle higher infliction.
“‘Oi asked yez phwere?’ sez Oi wid some slight asper-ritty in me tones. ”

“ Mrs. Murphy—“Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad off.”
Mrs. Casey—“Shure, he’s good for a year yit.”
Mrs. Murphy—“As long as that?”
Mrs. Casey—“Yes; he’s had four different doctors, and each one uv thim gave him three months to live.”
A Dundee shopkeeper asked an Irishman who was standing at a street corner if he wanted a job.
“Yes, sor,” replied the Irishman.
“Well, now, what would you take to clear the snow away from my premises?”
“A shovel, sor!” was the sharp reply of the Irishman.
He got the job.
A SAVING, ANYWAY.
O’Brien—“So the landlord lowered the rint for yez. ”

“ Oi can giv’ yez another lovely room in th’ middle av the front av th’ hotel, sor—it’s a lovely place; there do be carpet on th’ floor; air cushion sofys an’ bir-rds-eye maple chif’niers an’ runnin’ hot an’ cold wather passin’ th’ door, whoile th’ bath-tubs are always supplied wid gold fish ”