“ Teacher—Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in?
Tommy (after a moment's reflection) —I think it was his last.
Johnnie—"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland—County Cork. Ever been to Cork?"
Soubrette—"No—but I've seen a good many drawings of it."
"What is love?"
"A fresh egg."
"Marriage?"
"Hard boiled eggs."
"Divorce?"
"Scrambled eggs."
How by the statesman insincere
Man's weary soul is vexed. ”

“ Tommy—Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day."
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning." ”

“ A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress.
Adversity is not without comfort—your enemy may be in harder luck than you.
When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted. ”

“ Teacher of Drawing Class—"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross."
Willie—"Step on his tail, mum."
Guest—"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."
Waiter—"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!"
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
[91] A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a "regular beat" for a bosom friend. ”

“ Dick—"That's what I said."
[42] "Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Yes, they do."
"How so?"
"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right."
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes.
"How's that?"
"Marriage is always a tie."
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's lying?" ”

“ Slopay—"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily."
Doctor—"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."
[69] If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?
To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military honors?" ”

“ Applicant—"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"
"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."
"Was there."
"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."
"It must have been a put-up job!"
As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife, must be beside himself.
"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?"
"Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a tape-measure!" ”

“ Didn't he start the races?
[5] "Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs.
"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?"
"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make."
"Oh! are you in this line, too?"
"No. We make gunpowder."
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."
"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes back to Ireland and dies. ”

“ Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"
"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."
"That proves what I have contended right along."
"What's that?"
"That prohibition does not prohibit."
Alas, for all their ecstasy,
They knew not what was best:
The young man reached the front door,
The old man did the rest.
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"
"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything." ”

“ Which one did the clock strike?"
[18] "I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills."
"And you got——"
"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths.
"I have," exclaimed one.
"Where?" asked the teacher.
"On the elephant," replied the boy.
"Curious, isn't it?"
"What?"
"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check."
"That cook would make a good baseball player." ”

“ A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked up a hub and spoke.
The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count.
There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.
"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"
"She gave me a turndown."
"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the school teacher. ”

“ When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"
"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."
An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning, and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. ”

“ When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.
She (approvingly) —You won her hand, then?
He (rather glumly) —Humph—I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing?"
"Don't know. What?"
"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."
"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries." ”

“ He wrung his hands.
[33] "Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
"Why?"
"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
Askit-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
Tellit-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that we know about death."
"And that is, sir?" queried the student.
"It is always fatal."
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"
"No. What's up?"
"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel." ”

“ The Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious, but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"
[95] "Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."
Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light. ”

“ What do you think, I let my watch drop in the water and it never stopped running.
"Well, maybe it is used to being in soak?" "No, I think the mainspring was dry."
"Do you use each of those four mallets in the course of your work?" asked a wag of a cooper.
"Yes sir, I do."
"Then it can be remarked that while your occupation is not conducted strictly according to etiquette, there is much four-mallet-y about it."
"A coal stove is a cast-iron paradox. It won't burn unless you put it up; then it won't burn unless you shake it down." ”

“ Swellery—What is the matter with my husband, doctor?
Physician—Appendicitis, madam.
Mrs. S.—I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something unfashionable.
A man who drives away customers—the cabman.
[55] Cleverton—Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion.
Dashaway—I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of malaria.
Maud—How do you define love?
Marie—Love is the life of illusion.
"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them." ”

“ Woman with satchel enters car, sits down.
Enters conductor, asks fare.
Woman opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, takes out dime, shuts purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, shuts satchel.
Offers dime, receives nickel.
Opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, puts in nickel, closes purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, closes satchel.
Stop the car, please.
A baby is good stock on hand, but it makes bills payable and figures largely in the profit and loss account.
Don't pick a quarrel before it is ripe.
Hardy—Why do they call that Pullman porter doctor? ”

“ Smith—There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts.
Jones—What's that?
Smith—The Easter bonnet.
[30] "In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."
"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but how?"
"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."
"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil. ”

“ Whether tall men, or short men are best,
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All the fair are in favor of Hy-men.
An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:
"I want to have a pichtur taken av meself an' me bruther. How much?"
The proprietor named the figure.
"All right," said Pat. "Will you take it now?"
"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in Ireland," was the reply. ”

“ Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
Mrs. Powell—"I have such an indulgent husband!"
Mrs. Cameron (spitefully) —"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
"How?"
"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
"You own your own house, don't you?" ”

“ Tommy—Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.
"Here lies poor Sam: and what is strange,
Grim death has worked in him a change——
He always lied and always will,
He once lied loud and now lies still."
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"
"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."
[135] Brown—I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.
Jones—True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.
"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,"
"Not crossed," cried Pat. ”

“ Tommy (also tearfully) —Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"
"Refused again?"
"No; accepted."
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"
"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pig's feet."
"They say corporations have no soul." ”

“ But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard—
Will continue to work though it strikes!
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist."
"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know."
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"
The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf. ”

“ Smith—They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.
Jones—The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!
"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"
"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers." ”

“ Wise—Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.
There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.
Gotabug—I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength than a hundred pounds of beef. ”

“ They cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.
[58] Teacher—Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is?
Johnny—The conductor of a sleeping-car.
Personal—"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, widowhood.'"
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section." ”

“ The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
Mrs. B.—Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"
Mr. B.—No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
"You should sleep on your right side, madam."
"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear." ”