Carl J. Mittler

“ The circus proper began and the crowds left for the main show, but still the old man stood before the cage in stunned silence, appraising every detail of the misshapen legs, the cloven hoofs, the pendulous upper lip, and the curiously moulded back of the sleepy-eyed beast. Fifteen minutes passed. Then the farmer turned away and spat disgustedly.
Hell! There ain’t no such animal!
They were playing poker in a Western town. One of the players was a stranger, and was getting a nice trimming. Finally the sucker saw one of the players give himself three aces from the bottom of the pack. ”

“ We recently heard of a man who attended a grand ball with his wife and had a grand time. While dancing a quadrille he noticed that his pants were ripping, and hurriedly retired to a room with his wife, who procured a needle and thread and began sewing up the rip. While the man was sitting there without any pants on he heard the rustling of skirts and it occurred to him that he had taken refuge in the ladies’ dressing-room. He appealed to his wife, and she shoved him to a door which opened, as she thought, into a closet. ”

“ All of the foregoing is set down to emphasize the simple truth that I shall regard my labor as well rewarded, if a bit of new joy, a ray of new brightness, may enter the life of some one who needs it today. ”

“ Well, said Pat, in Ireland we start a house in the morning and the landlord is evicting the tenant for back rent before evening.
Strange as it may seem, there is a public man in this city who is blessed or cursed with a tender conscience that worries him in small matters as well as in great. Among the things that he cannot justify to himself is the bidding a servant to say he is not at home when, in reality, he is inside his house. ”

“ A certain minister in a certain flock took permanent leave of his congregation in the following manner:
Brothers and Sisters: I come to say good-bye. I don’t think God loves this church, because none of you ever die. I don’t think you love each other, because I never marry any of you. I don’t think you love me, because you have not paid my salary. Your donations are moldy fruit and wormy apples, and by their fruits ye shall know them. Brothers, I am going to a better place. I have been called to be chaplain of a penitentiary. ”

“ An advertisement in a newspaper calling for a “first-class bookkeeper at $3 a week” drew forth the following answer, the only one attracted by the munificent salary.
I am a young man, thirty-seven years of age, having had a business experience of twenty-three years, being connected with the United States Embassy at Madagascar, and feel confident if you will give me a trial I can prove my worth to you. I am not only an expert bookkeeper, proficient stenographer and typewriter, excellent operator and erudite college graduate, but have several other accomplishments which might make me desirable. ”

“ The defendant’s lawyer, an able fellow, secured an adjournment for three weeks.
[44]
On the announcement of this adjournment, the junior partner gave a loud groan. He leaped to his feet, and rushed out like one demented, shouting as he went:
Merciful heavens, then the sacrifice must still go on!
I don’t need to tell you how much business that firm did in the next three weeks.
Man, born of woman, is of a few days and no teeth. And, indeed, it would be money in his pocket sometimes if he had less of either. ”

“ Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?
Here is Jimmie’s essay on pants: Pants are made for men and not for women. Women are made for men and not for pants. When a man pants for a woman and a woman pants for a man they are a pair of pants. Such pants don’t last. Pants are like molasses—they are thinner in hot weather and thicker in cold. Men are often mistaken in pants; such mistakes are breaches of promise. There has been much discussion whether pants is singular or plural. Seems to me when men wear pants it is plural, and when they don’t wear pants it is singular. ”

“ The rare gift of originality is denied most of us, but a measure of compensation rests in the gift of appreciation which has been so freely bestowed, in some degree at least, upon nearly every one of the human race. ”

“ But one day Miss Nan
Eloped with a man,
And as for the cash, why Nan tuck it!
There was an old man who said, Hush,
I perceive a young bird in this bush!
When they said, Is it small?
He replied, Not at all,
It is four times as big as the bush!
Every fighter in khaki or blue
Has a job he simply must do—
He must stand by the flag,
He must fight the red rag,
The Legion will see the job through!
There was a cowpuncher in Butte
Who immediately started to shutte,
When a girl who was brave
Said, Your pants need a shave,
Otherwise you look awfully cutte! ”

“ Whenever a Sunday school teacher comes to Louisville invariably a good story is in order. Last night one of them was at a local hotel, and he brought along his story. Morrison R. Kendrick is his name, and Chicago is his town. ”

“ An old farmer of Arkansas, whose sons had all grown up and left him, hired a young man by the name of Esau Buck to help him on his farm. On the evening of the first day they hauled up a small load of poles for wood, and unloaded them. The next morning the old man said to the hired man—
Esau, I’m going to town today, and while I am gone you may saw wood and keep the old ram out of the garden.
[96]
When the old man had gone, Esau went out to saw the wood, but when he saw the saw he wouldn’t saw. When Esau saw the saw he couldn’t saw with that saw. ”

“ Snobbishness penetrates everywhere, he said. It even penetrates our churches.
I know of an old darky who got religion last month and decided to join the church. He selected, of course, the richest and handsomest church in town, the church with the finest music and the best preaching. Then he called on the pastor and stated his design.
But the pastor hemmed and hawed. He felt that his fashionable flock wouldn’t welcome such an addition as the old darky. He didn’t want to hurt the old fellow’s feelings, however, and finally he said—
Go home, Uncle Rooster. Go home and pray over it. ”

“ Hullo, Yank! hailed one of a number of Confederate soldiers lolling about on the grass in front of a tent, that’s a right smart horse you all got there.
Think so? returned the Yank.
Yes; what’ll you take for him?
Oh, I don’t know.
Well, I’ll give you $7,000 for him, bantered the Confederate.
You go to blazes! indignantly returned the Yank; I’ve just paid $10,000 of your money to have him curried.
[20]
Two brothers were discussing which smelled the strongest, a goat or a tramp. ”

“ Another society woman in New York presented a check for payment at the bank, and the teller told her that it was not signed. Oh, do they have to be signed? she replied. What an awful lot of red tape there is about a banking business.
I know of a lady whose husband made a deposit for her in a bank and gave her a check book so that she could pay her bills without annoying him. One day she received a notice from the bank that her account was overdrawn. She went to the bank and told the teller that there must be some mistake about it, because she still had a lot of checks left in her book. ”

“ Why, that fellow dealt himself three aces from the bottom of the deck, said the sucker.
Well, what about it? asked the man. It was his deal, wasn’t it?
At a dinner given by a political club in New York recently, a man who is unusually young for one who has attained to such prominence in his profession was for the first time in his life set down for a response to one of the toasts. ”

“ Now, I think a woman’s hat should conform to her head the same as a man’s.
Oh, tittered the merry milliner, there are no fits connected with spring hats. They generally develop in the men when the bill comes home. ”

“ A man “butted in” at a waiting line before the railroad ticket window at New York, and the men who were in a hurry glowered.
I want a ticket for Boston, said the man and put 50 cents under the wicket.
You can’t go to Boston for 50 cents, returned the ticket seller.
Well, then, asked the man, where can I go for 50 cents?
And each of the fourteen men in that waiting room told him where he could go.
[12]
But, observed the fool man who had permitted his wife to take him along on her search for a spring bonnet, the hat doesn’t seem to fit. ”

“ At the luncheon to Nahum Sokolow, the Jewish journalist, attended by New York editors, Adolph Ochs, of the Times, told of a Jew who came to Bishop Potter, stating that he desired to embrace Christianity. The Bishop arranged for him to have a talk with one of the curates, but the applicant was insistent and said he wanted to join right away.
Why are you in such a hurry? inquired the Bishop.
Well, my family done me dirt and I want to disgrace them.
A dying man once sent for an Arkansas editor, who hastened to the death-bed with more alacrity, as he had no heirs. ”

“ Old Smith was busy in his back yard with saw and hatchet while his wife nursed a bad cold in the house, when a neighbor came to the fence.
Good mornin’, Mr. Smith, he said. How is Mrs. Smith this mornin’?
Just about the same, old Smith replied. She didn’t sleep very well last night.
That’s too bad, the neighbor sympathized, and then, as a raucous sound came from the house, he added solicitously:
I s’pose that’s her coughin’, ain’t it?
No, old Smith answered absent-mindedly, his eyes still on his work, it ain’t her coffin, it’s a new hen house. ”

“ Under the evening lamp, the family circle may have many a hearty laugh together; in the office or train, the tired business man may ease the strain of concentration; in the hospitals, weary convalescents may cheer the hours of waiting ”

“ A traffic law in a New England city forbids the parking of cars on the principal business street. A citizen who understood this, was sure he could stop his car, deliver a message and be back in his seat all in a moment. But he was detained. Also he forgot. When he came out a policeman stood by his automobile. Did the man go to his car? He did not. He hurried to his office: He telephoned to police headquarters: My car (giving a detailed description) has been stolen. In a half hour this reply: An officer has found your car. ”

“ What is the difference between a rooster, a soldier, and a vamp?
The rooster says, Cock a doodle do.
The soldier says, Yankee doodle do.
And the vamp says, Any dude’ll do.
The prodigal son wrote the old man as follows—
I got religion at camp meeting the other day. Send me ten dollars.
But the old man replied—
Religion is free. You got the wrong kind. ”

“ Patience—Is your preacher sensational?
Patrice—I should say so! Why, he preached a sermon last Sunday and he took for his subject, It’s hard to keep a good man down. Well? Oh, it was all about Jonah and the whale.
A series of revival services were being held recently in a Missouri city, and placards giving notice of the services were posted in conspicuous places. One day the following notice was posted:
Hell, Its Location and Absolute Certainty. Thomas Jones, barytone soloist, will sing, Tell Mother I’ll Be There.
There was once a clergyman’s son, who was educated for the ministry. ”

“ When the laughter that greeted this sally had subsided, Mark Twain drawled out—Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?
As a prisoner was brought before the judge for sentence the clerk happened to be absent. The judge asked the officer in charge of the prisoner what the offence was with which he was charged.
Bigotry, your honor. He’s been married to three women. ”

“ A clergyman preached a rather long sermon from the text, Thou art weighed in the balance and found wanting. After the congregation had listened about an hour, some began to get weary and went out; others soon followed, greatly to the annoyance of the minister. Another person started, whereupon the preacher stopped his sermon and said: That is right gentlemen; as fast as you are weighed, pass out! He continued his sermon some time after that, but no one disturbed him by leaving. ”

“ The Morning Star announced the death of William B. Jones when he was not dead, writes Simeon Strunsky in the New York Evening Post.
The next day it printed the following notice:
Yesterday we were the first newspaper to publish the news of the death of William B. Jones. Today we are the first to deny the report. The Morning Star is always in the lead. ”

“ A drummer approached a girl in charge of a soda fountain and before giving his order asked—How is the milkmaid to-night?
Milk isn’t made; it comes from cows, you fool, was the retort. He was glad to close his mouth with some of it.
No man is as well known as he thinks he is, says Caruso. I was motoring on Long Island recently. My car broke down and I entered a farmhouse to get warm. The farmer and I chatted, and when he asked my name I told him modestly that it was Caruso. ”

“ Aw, go long, nigger, that horse ain’t blind. He just don’t give a damn.
One morning, while visiting in Richmond, a New York lady overheard the following conversation between the hostess and the cook—
Please, Mis’ Gawdon, may I git off nex’ Sunday to go to the fun’ral of a friend of mine?
Next Sunday? Why, Eliza, this is only Monday! They wouldn’t put a funeral off for a week.
Yas’m, respectfully; but dey has to, ’cause he ain’t dead yit.
Not dead! I am positively ashamed of you. How can you be so heartless as to arrange to attend the funeral of a man who is still living? ”

“ I wish to give the check anonymously. And he bowed the ladies out with great dignity.
In a banking office in New Orleans is an aged bookkeeper who began his connection with the business the day it was established. As the years went by, the proprietor, who had started with little, but was extremely close, amassed an enormous fortune. The bookkeeper piled up but a small amount of savings.
At last the twenty-fifth anniversary of the firm and of the bookkeeper’s services came along. ”

“ We have already done enough for the flood sufferers.
A prominent lawyer of New York says that many years ago he went West, but as he got no clients, and stood a good chance of starving, he decided to come East again. Without any money he boarded a train for Nashville, Tenn., intending to seek employment as reporter on one of the daily newspapers, says the New York Telegraph. ”