“ A Brooklyn Sunday-school teacher once had occasion to catechise a new pupil whose ignorance of his Testament would have been amusing had it not been so appalling. One Sunday she asked the little fellow how many commandments there were.
To her surprise, the lad answered, glibly enough: “Ten, ma’am.”
“And now, Sammy,” pleasantly asked the teacher, “what would the result be if you should break one of them?”
“Then there’d be nine!” triumphantly answered the youngster. ”

“ Mrs. Prattle looked at her visitor with reproach in her wide blue eyes. “Talk,” she said eagerly, “our baby talk? Well, I guess he can. He’s three months younger than my cousin’s boy and he’s a year ahead of him in language. You know often people tell you their children can say things, and when you hear them you have to work hard with your imagination to tell what they’re saying.
“Now, there’s my cousin’s baby—the one I spoke of. They declare that child has a vocabulary of fifteen words, but, my dear, if you could hear him. ”

“ Perish the thought that the novelist or playwright should be tied down to historical accuracy! Lady Dorothy Neville quotes an amusing correspondence between Bulwer Lytton and her brother, Horace Walpole.
“My dear Walpole: Here I am at Bath—bored to death. I am thinking of writing a play about your great ancestor Sir Robert. Had he not a sister Lucy, and did she not marry a Jacobite?”
Walpole promptly replied:
“My dear Lytton: I care little for my family, and less still for Sir Robert, but I know that he never had a sister Lucy, so she could not have married a Jacobite.” ”

“ Miss Frances Keller, of the Woman’s Municipal League of New York, illustrated admirably at a recent dinner party a point which she wished to make in reply to a man who had said, “Women are vainer than men.”
“Of course,” Miss Keller answered, “I admit that women are vain and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his collar.” ”

“ I told him, when he suggested your name to me, that it was a relief to call on a man who did not expect to be praised and flattered to his face all the time. I tell you, Mr. Grump, this city has mighty few men such as you. Nine men out of ten are simply dying to have some one tell them how great they are, but you are above such weakness. ”

“ Unfortunately between the time that Sunday-school was called to order and the visiting superintendent took the floor, the first pupil was taken sick and obliged to go home. The teacher did not have the opportunity to readjust her forces, and when the first question was asked, the second boy thought it a good opportunity for him to get in his answer and have it off his mind; so to the question, “Who made you?” he answered, “Of the dust of the earth.”
“Oh, no,” said the visitor. “God made you.”
“No, sir; He did not,” said the youngster. ”

“ The artist was in Paris at the time of the coronation of King Edward, and at a reception one evening a duchess said to him: “I believe you know King Edward, Mr. Whistler.”
“No, madame,” replied Whistler.
“Why, that’s odd,” she murmured; “I met the King at a dinner-party last year, and he said that he knew you.”
“Oh,” said the painter, “that was just his brag.”
A London friend who was a member of the same club as Mr. Whistler writes me this, which I have not seen before in print. It seems that the gentle artist in making enemies had not paid his dues and was dunned for them in vain. ”

“ In going through a millionaire’s stables, where the floors and walls were of white tiles, drinking fountains of marble, mahogany mangers, silver trimmings, and so forth and so on, “Well,” said the millionaire proudly, “is there anything lacking?” “I can think of nothing,” said Clark, “except a sofa for each horse.”
Oliver Herford, equally famous as poet, illustrator, and brilliant wit, was entertaining four magazine editors at luncheon when the bell rang, and a maid entered with the mail. ”

“ He bought a bill of goods, and the salesman offered him the coupons that the amount of the purchase called for. Mr. Goodwin shook his head. “I don’t want ’em,” he said.
“You had better take them, sir,” persisted the clerk; “we redeem them with very handsome prizes. If you can save up a thousand coupons we give a grand piano.”
“Say, look here,” replied Mr. Goodwin, “if I ever drank enough of your whisky or smoked enough of your cigars to get a thousand of those coupons I wouldn’t want a piano. I’d want a harp.” ”

“ An absent-minded scientist, in the employ of the government at Washington, recently met his physician in the street.
“I don’t know what’s the matter with me, Doctor,” said the man of science. “I am limping badly to-day. Do you think it’s locomotor ataxia?”
“Scarcely that,” replied the physician. “You are walking with one foot on the curb and the other in the gutter.”
One Sunday John Wanamaker visited the Sunday-school classes in which he was greatly interested, and after talking the lesson over told the pupils he would try to answer any questions the boys or girls wanted to ask him. ”

“ Any one who has traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can easily appreciate the following:
A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. ”

“ A curate who had left his parish on account of the attentions of his lady parishioners, meeting his successor one day in the street asked him how he got on in his new position. “Very well indeed,” returned the other. “But are not the ladies rather pressing in their attentions?” “Oh, my dear fellow, I manage that all right, I find safety in Numbers.” “I see,” returned his companion, “well, I found safety in Exodus.”
“I want some collars for my husband,” said a lady in a department store, “but I am afraid I have forgotten the size.”
“Thirteen and a half, ma’am?” suggested the clerk. ”

“ A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a dog of doubtful pedigree.
“What are you doing, my little men?” he asked with fatherly interest.
“Swappin’ lies,” volunteered one of the boys. “The feller that tells the biggest one gets the purp.”
[Pg 22]
“Shocking!” exclaimed the minister. “Why, when I was your age I never even thought of telling an untruth.”
“Youse win,” chorused the urchins. “The dog’s yours, mister.” ”

“ Behind him came a severe valet carrying bags and a gun-case, and on a wagon at the door were two prosperous trunks. In an armchair behind the hotel counter sat a spare old man placidly chewing tobacco and reading the “Weekly Recorder.”
“Ah-h-h! Hm!” the tall young man began. “Is this Mr. Silas P. Meacham, proprietor of this hotel?”
“Yaas,” replied the old one, glancing up over his paper.
“I am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of the Metropolis Club, of New York,” said the visitor, impressively. “My friend, Mr. Vandergilt, told me you would take excellent care of me here.” ”

“ A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his hand. “He is a man, sir,” he replied, “who brings you a basin.”
A teacher giving a lecture on the rhinoceros found his class was not giving him all the attention it should. “Now, gentlemen,” he said, “if you want to realize the true hideous nature of this animal you must keep your eyes fixed on me.”
A negro had made several ineffectual efforts to propose to the object of his affections, but on each occasion his courage failed him at the last moment. ”

“ Little Alice is old for her years. One evening after she had gone to bed she heard mama and papa laughing in much enjoyment over a game of flinch; she longed to get up and join them, but knew she must not. The next morning at breakfast she was very quiet. Presently she drew a deep sigh, and said, “What a good time you and papa had last night. Oh, I feel the need of a husband, mama, I do feel it!”
A teacher in one of the primary schools of New York recently read to her pupils “The Old Oaken Bucket.” ”

“ Fifer was a dog of friendly and social habits, but when he wandered into the lecture-tent at a well-known New Thought summer school and went to sleep between the chairs, he did a very foolish thing. A woman coming in poked him in the ribs with her parasol, startling him from his peaceful dreams, and he sprang upon her with a savage bite. A man grabbed him and he grabbed the man. The excitement was intense when an earnest little woman standing on a chair cried, “Some one hold the Thought!” ”

“ Whereat the old man smiled wisely and said:
“My son, yonder are a hundred chickens and here a fine team of horses. Do you place the feathered tribe on this wagon, hitch up the team, and start out. Wherever you find a man and his wife living together, make diligent investigation to find out who the commanding officer is, and where it is the woman give her a chicken. If you find a man running a house give him one of the horses.” ”

“ One of them was asked by a friend, on her return, where she and her husband had been. “In the slums of New York for a day and a night,” she answered, enthusiastically. “My dear, it was hell upon earth. We had a splendid time!”
On one occasion a schoolmaster was very much annoyed by the conduct of a certain boy in his class. At last, finding the culprit giggling for no apparent reason, he cried indignantly, “Now, then, W., what are you laughing at? Are you laughing at me?” “No, sir,” replied the astonished boy. ”

“ A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his presence.
The officer, familiar with the soldier’s ways, replied:
“I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get drunk, and mistreat her shamefully.” ”

“ When the Rev. Dr. Henson, then of Chicago, came to the New York Chautauqua to lecture on “Fools,” Bishop Vincent introduced him thus:
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are now to have a lecture on ‘Fools’ by one of the most distinguished——”
Here there was a long pause, the Bishop’s inflection [Pg 80] indicating that he had finished. The audience roared with delight, and roared again, so that it was some time before the sentence was concluded—“men of Chicago.” ”

“ At the foot I was met by an angel, who pressed a piece of chalk into my hand and said, ‘If you climb long enough you will reach Heaven, but for every sin you are conscious of having committed you must mark a rung of the ladder with the chalk as you go up.’ I took the chalk and started. ”

“ Fee?”
“Nothing!” exclaimed the doctor. “Most sensible woman I ever met!”
Visitor—“Well, Harold, what are you going to be when you grow up?”
Harold—“Oh, I’m going to be a sailor; but baby’s only going to be just an ordinary father.” ”

“ In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the window, followed by the wrathful injunction: “Scat, you gray-headed wretch!”
There is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar. “Just one poisons me,” says the youthful doctor.
Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When the women had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men except the physician. [Pg 262] Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host in astonishment exclaimed:
“What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!” ”

“ It may be perhaps that there are among you some too young to grasp the meaning of the word ‘epitome.’
“‘Epitome,’ children, is in its signification synonymous with synopsis.”
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season’s hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.
“Law, no, honey!” exclaimed the woman. “I could nevah wear that. I’d look jes’ like a blueberry in a pan of milk.”
A few years ago the celebrated Potter family, of which Bishop Potter was a member, held a reunion the chief feature of which was a banquet. ”

“ A Congressman once declared in an address to the House:
“As Daniel Webster says in his great dictionary—”
“It was Noah who wrote the dictionary,” whispered a colleague, who sat at the next desk.
“Noah, nothing,” replied the speaker. “Noah built the ark.”
Father (who has been called upon in the city and asked for his daughter’s hand) —“Louise, do you know what a solemn thing it is to be married?” ”

“ A minister of a fashionable church had always left the greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers until he read some newspaper articles in reference to the matter.
“Suppose a representative should visit our church,” said his wife. “Wouldn’t it be awful?”
“It would,” the minister admitted.
The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her at the door. ”

“ Rogers, happy in the belief that her maid was comfortable, slept soundly. In the morning she visited the kitchen.
“Well, Huldah, how did you get along with the flatiron?”
Huldah breathed a deep sigh of recollection.
“Vell, ma’am, I got it ’most warm before morning.”
Many children are so crammed with everything that they really know nothing.
In proof of this, read these veritable specimens of definitions, written by public-school children:
“Stability is taking care of a stable.”
“A mosquito is the child of black and white parents.”
“Monastery is the place for monsters.” ”