Sir John Falstaffe

“ Sir Walter Raleigh has very wisely observ'd in his History of the World, that the acting of a private Combat, for a private Respect, and most commonly a frivolous One, is not an Action of Virtue, because it is contrary to the Law of God, and of all Christian Kings: neither is it difficult, because even and equal in Persons and Arms: neither for a publick Good, but tending to the contrary, because the Loss or Mutilation of an able Man, is also a Loss to the Commonweal. ”

“ The Ladies seem to have laid it up as a Maxim on their Side, that their Beauty is to be the greatest Merit; for which Reason no Art, or Industry, is wanting to cultivate that Jewel; and there is so great an Adoration paid to it by all Mankind, that 'tis no Wonder they should neglect the Qualifications of the Mind, Things merely speculative, for those Graces and Ornaments which command Respect, and whose Dominion is owned as soon as seen. ”

“ Consider, Sir, how many bright Qualifications must go to the finishing one of us; we require Parts as elegant, generous, and manly, as any Profession whatsoever; therefore, I hope, that some publick Spirit in the House of Commons, who is a Lover of his Country, and a Friend to Arts and Sciences, will start up and distinguish himself against this Bill. You know that our Profession is justly call'd the Noble Science of Defence, and makes a considerable Branch of the Mathematicks; if the Ignorant should gain this Point against us, they won't stop here ”

“ I account for Things which some lose, and no other finds; of this Nature are the Maidenheads of Women, and the Honour of Great Men. They, who are short-sighted in the Sciences, cannot see they fly up to the Moon, from whence they never return, as the learned Ariosta discovered before me: And therefore it is an Absurdity in our Language, and ought to be corrected, when we say of Things which we cannot account for, I know no more than the Man in the Moon. ”

“ We are grown Epicureans in our Principles, and force our selves to believe, that it is Fear, Superstition, or Ignorance, to fancy that Providence sends the World a Warning in extraordinary Appearances: We buoy our selves up, that we only want such a Portion of Philosophy to account for what startles the Grossness of Sense, and to know that such Appearances must have their Cause in Nature, tho' we cannot readily determine where to fix it. ”

“ The gay Part of the World are every Day retreating from the Field of Business; and going with their Families into Summer Quarters. I look upon my self in the State of a Roman General, who has made a vigorous and successful Campaign, and is now returning Home to take his Triumph. I am retiring to the Village, in which my Family for some Ages have made no inconsiderable Figure, and know I shall be received not with the single Respect due to my Name and Quality, but as the Person who ingaged the late memorable Sir John Edgar. ”

“ The Trust of Friendship is so often betrayed, and the Duty of the Office postponed to private Interest, that it is a Question whether we are not safer, while we give a Loose to our own extravagant Excursions. The Institution of Douegnas, or Governesses in Spain, we do not doubt, was a Design well befitting the Caution of that wise and reserved Nation; but the Corruption of the Persons intrusted, soon brought them into so much Disreputation, that they became the Objects of hatred and Scandal. ”

“ It is very odd to consider, yet very frequently to be remark'd, that tho' we have all so many Passions and Appetites pushing for the Government of us, and every one of us has a Portion of Reason, that, if permitted, would regulate our Conduct: yet we are obstinate not to be directed by that Reason, and give the Rein and Regulation of our Actions over to the Passions and Appetites of other People. ”

“ Men, that like myself, set up for being Wits, and dictating to the World in a censorial Way, should like Oracles endeavour to be barely heard, but never have it distinguish'd from whence the Voice comes. Faith and Reputation have ever been built on Doubt and Mystery, and sometimes the Art of being unintelligible does not a little advance the Credit of a Writer. ”

“ The late Sir John Edgar, of obscure Memory, pretended to define a Sort of Men whom he called wrong-headed, and has told two or three Stories by Way of Examples, from whence he wou'd have you think, that a Slip of Memory, is an Error in Judgment; as you may see in his Instance of the Foot Soldier, who robbed the Gentleman, and forgetting that he had put the Things into his own Pockets, afterwards changed Coats with the Gentleman, and by that Means put him again in Possession of whatever he before had robbed him. ”

“ In Domestick Affairs, our Writers are somewhat more bold in their Intelligence; and relate Things with a greater Air of Certainty, when they lie most under the Suspition of delivering false History. Thus it happens, that I have seen a great Fortune married in the Evening Post two Years after her Death; and a Man of Quality has had an Heir laid to him, before he himself, or the Town, ever knew that he was married. Thus they kill and marry whom they please, knowing well, that every Circumstance, whether true, or false, serves to fill up a Paragraph. ”

“ We have a Species of Governantes among us in England, who being admitted into a Familiarity in Families, by Policy improve it into Friendship: this Friendship lets them into a Degree of Trust, which they are diligent to turn into the best Advantage; and having always little servile Ends of their own to obtain, their surest Step is to sow Dissention, and strengthen their own Interest, by alienating the Affections of the Wife from her Husband; whose Bread they are eating at the same Time, that they are undermining his Quiet in the nearest Concerns of Life. ”

“ There is another Order of fine Gentlemen among Us, who study other Accomplishments than That of Dress, by which they labour to recommend themselves to Company. The prevailing Artifice of their Conduct is, in every Stage of Action, to appear Great, and insinuate themselves to be thought the Favourites only of the Great. ”

“ My first Entertainment in a Morning is to throw my Eyes over the Papers of the Day, by which I am informed, with very little Trouble, how Things are carried in the great World. I look upon the printed News to be the Histories of the Times, in which the candid and ingenious Authors, out of a strict Regard to Truth, deliver Facts in such ambiguous Terms, that when you read of a Battle betwixt Count Mercy, and the Marquis De Lede, you may give the Victory to that Side, which your private Inclination most favours. I have seen in one Paragraph the precise number of the kill'd and wounded adjusted ”

“ Every good Subject has a right of dissenting to any Bill propos'd, either by petition, or Pamphlet, before it passes into a Law; and this concerns the Honour of all Orders of Men from the Prince to the private Gentleman. ”

“ There is a certain veteran Beau of my Acquaintance, who is highly caressed upon the Credit of his Intimacy with Persons of Quality whom he never spoke to; he has a Knot of vain young Fellows attendant upon him, whom he is to introduce into great Company; and he has dropt some Hints, as if he would use his Interest to recommend some of them to Employments at Court. These are, for the most part, young Men stept into suddain great Fortunes, whose Rank and Conversation being at a such a Distance from Title, they fancy that Men of Quality are not made of the same Materials with other Men. ”

“ Were Reasons as plenty as Blackberries, as my worthy Ancestor was wont to say, I would not give a Reason upon Compulsion.
I have confess'd to the World I am a Knight (nor am I asham'd to own it, tho' 'tis a Condescension as Knighthood goes;) and my Name is John Falstaffe; must they have too a Tree of my Pedigree, and a Direction to my Lodgings? 'Tis ill-Manners to pluck the Masque off, when we would not be known: besides that, Curiosity has lost Men many a Blessing, and plung'd the Discoverers into signal Calamities ”

“ Plato, I remember, offers at a Reason in Nature for such Conversations. He tells us, that at first Mankind were made with Two Heads, Four Arms, Four Legs, and so every Way double: that of these, there were three Sorts; some, double Men; some, double Women; and some Hermaphrodites. Jupiter, upon an Offence committed, split them all into Two's; from whence arises in Mankind that Desire of a Companion, as his other half to perfect his Being. ”

“ It is for this Reason that I appear in his Dress, that I assume his Habit de Guerre, for Sir John chose me, from among all Men living, to be his sole Executor. The Printer had no black Letter by him, otherwise this Paper (as in Decency it ought) should have appear'd in Mourning: however I shall use as much Ceremony as the Time will allow; and, as Hob did in the Farce by the Man that hang'd himself, I take up his Cloak, and am chief Mourner.
We never can do the Memory of a Great Man more Justice, than by being particular in his Conduct and Behaviour at the Point of Death. ”

“ The Incident of a late Prize fought at one of our Theatres, has given me some Occasion to amuse myself with the Rise, and Antiquity of Duelling; and to enquire what Considerations have given it such Credit, as to make it practicable as well in all Countries, as in all Times. Religion and Civil Policy have ever declar'd against the Custom of receiving Challenges, and deny that any Man has a Right, by a Tryal at Sharps, to destroy his Fellow-Creature. ”

“ The interest aroused by the essays is perhaps inseparable from our historical interest in the life and manners of the time, but it is none the less genuine. Perhaps nowhere more than in the personal essays about subjects of contemporary importance—of which these are examples—is there a more pleasing record of the social and intellectual life of a period. ”

“ We use our Country like our Step-Mother, we have no natural Affection for her, we are Foreigners to her Blood, and when we have sucked her dry, we make no Returns of Gratitude in her Necessities, but turn her loose to shift for her self; I think this the Case, if you consider the Condition of a rising Project, which every Man that's concerned in, intends to get out of, and declares he will not trust too long. ”

“ Tho' the Vulgar, whose Eyes are shut against these Mysteries, may endeavour to explode all Divination; yet when the Prophecy comes to be fulfilled, they will confess their own Ignorance, and give an implicit Belief to such Revelations, as are delivered to the Publick by those wise Men, who by their Art pry into the Cabinet of Futurity, and make to themselves Spectacles of the Planets, by which they are enabled to read the darkest Page in the Book of Doomesday. ”

“ There is another Passage in his Book of singular Mystery: he is pleased to observe that Things are sometimes foretold by smelling, and That by Persons who are endued with a Second-Sight. This smelling of Futurity would be of notable Use to Statesmen: which brings to my Mind, that somewhere in an Old Play, the Politician cries, I smell a Plot. The Vulgar too have an Expression, when they speak of a Man they don't like, of smelling the Rogue, and smelling him out. ”

“ Because it would not do Honour to certain Persons, by whose Interest it is expected, that Charters are to be obtain'd. As to the Great Bubble, which as open'd a Subscription, where every Man is to pay five Times the Value of what he purchases, a Gentleman, who is very conversant in Trade, informs me, that the Foreigners, who have Original Stocks to a very great Value, have already sent Commissions to have it all sold, when it comes to this extravagant Price. ”

“ It is plain from such Instances, and many more of equal Demonstration, had I Leisure to collect them, that the Stars dispose of us as they please, and have an Influence on every Action of our Lives. They are particularly busy in the Affairs of Women, and She that, by a too great Love of Society, has been kind to others besides her own Husband, might have been an Example of Discretion and Modesty, had she been born a Minute sooner, or later, and had a more continent Planet for her Ascendent. ”

“ Man's Life is so short, it has been the settled Opinion of the Wise, that this Prosecution of any single Subject would be sufficient to take up all his Time. For this Reason, and especially in the Summer Season, when I make shift to retire from this Metropolis of Noise and Business, I contract my Speculations and Studies under one Head. ”

“ There are many Reasons why we, who take upon Us the Task of Diurnal or Weekly Lucubrations, should be like the River Nilus, sending abroad fertile Streams to every Quarter, and still keeping our Heads undiscover'd. ”

“ The Athenians made it penal by a Law so much as to call a Man a Murtherer: and the Detestation of Antiquity is so plain to this inhuman Kind of Proceeding, that when Eteocles and Polynices had kill'd each other upon the important Quarrel of disputed Empire, the Government order'd the Challenger's Body to be thrown out as a Prey to the Dogs and Birds, and made it Death for any one to sprinkle Dust over it, or give it the least honorary Marks of Interment. ”

“ The rational, as well as risible, Faculties are to be exercised; and if I think fit to be too precisely serious to Day, my good-natur'd Customers will give me an Indulgence, and believe that I will make it up to them with Mirth on Tuesday.
As I devoted the spare Hours of yesterday to Meditation, I could not help reflecting, what little Notion we have at this Time of Prodigies and Phenomena, that are not in the common Course of Nature. ”

“ The most beneficial Things to a Commonwealth will have some of its Members who will think them a Grievance. I have just now receiv'd the following Letter from a Fencing-Master, who is very apprehensive of Business falling off, if the Act against Duelling should take place.
"Sir,
"As you are both a Knight and a Gentleman (which now-a-days don't always meet in one Man) I will make bold to Expostulate with you upon a Bill depending in the House of Commons, I mean that against Duelling. ”

“ Upon the Foot of this Observation, some of our Sex, who are of the Order of the Beau Garcons, being equal to the Ladies in their Understandings, employ all their Care and Capacity in decorating the Outside; and have a Notion that he's the most ingenious Man, who makes the cleanest Figure, and is best dress'd for the Assembly or Drawing-Room. Among these pretty Triflers, a good Embroidery on their Clothes, or a Sword Knot of a new Invention, raises more Emulation than a Piece of new Wit does among the bad Poets; in their View of Things, a Man of Sense is a very insignificant Creature ”