Anonymous

“ The tragic-comic scene being ended, continued Sable, this worthy member of Comus’s court, repaired to the rendezvous of the Choice Spirits, where he was heartily received, and recounting to them his day’s exploit, set them in a roar of laughter, at the expence of Mr. Feastlove, who little dreamt, I believe, of taking a dose of physic on the feast-day of the society, though ’tis probable this Choice Spirit conferred a benefit on him instead of a punishment; in the morning this frolicksome spark conducted me to my old lodgings. ”

“ The fame of your great [Pg 155] knowledge in the mysteries of fate, says this antiquated lady, hath made me resolve to wait upon you in an affair that concerns me very nearly: The doctor assured her, that as far as his knowledge extended, he would answer any thing she was desirous of knowing: Sir, says the lady, I have a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, and am yet a virgin; but, adds she, I have thoroughly considered the design and end of marriage, and am now convinced that it is an institution calculated for the mutual benefit of both sexes. ”

“ During this recess from business continued Sable, I past much time in contemplating on the various modes of happiness which mankind sought after, and the different means they pursued to attain their adopted wishes; the labours of my fellow adventurers in their diurnal expeditions, which were always communicated to the society together with my own experience, affording me variety of instances. ”

“ Is it not, says the sage adventurer to his gay companion, greatly to be lamented, that men of such excellent talents, should prostitute them to such hurtful purposes to the community, and reversing morality, industriously pursue evil, that they may boast of blemishes they should rather blush for; as he amongst these pillagers of society, is esteemed the most worthy who is the most wicked. But I will not, continued Sable, spend the precarious minutes [Pg 74] in making reflections which your own perspicuity will furnish you with, but proceed in the detail of my next adventure. ”

“ I indulged myself in reflecting on the days adventure, which led me naturally to contemplate [Pg 34] on the many young people who quit a life of industry and competence, and pursue the phantom of hope, through the various mazes of misery she wantonly leads them; stimulated at first perhaps by choice, but at length are forced to persevere through necessity, and how oft does she lead these unhappy men to total destruction ”

“ Why, madam, replies the doctor, you will enjoy your husband’s company, at bed and board by Proxy, bear children by Proxy: Don’t tell me, Sir, interrupted this ancient virgin, of bearing children by Proxy, I look upon myself as capable of bearing Children as any young girl whatever, and assure you, Sir, I shall not desire any one to bear them for me, and so, Sir, your servant, and immediately hobbled down stairs repeating frequently as she went, the word Proxy. ”

“ This close way of doing business, says Sable, I found disconcerted my martial conductor, who evaded closing with the proposal, saying such a thing as marriage, required a little more consideration than a bet at a cock-match or a [Pg 91] horse-race.—Why look you, Sir, says Mr. Sirloin, this is my way of doing business; if I see a bullock in the market, which I think is for my purpose, I go and examine him, and if I find that he’ll do, I enquire his price, and if its about the mark, I bid money for him, and if my money is accepted, I have the beast ”

“ The next who came to consult the keeper of the book of knowledge, continued Sable, was a young lady of a most engaging countenance, her natural air and the taste of her dress, seemed to vie with each other, in rendering her an object of love,—if it was possible for envy to have fixed upon any thing that seemed imperfect, it must have been rather too much levity, which her eyes expressed. This young lady having informed the doctor, what [Pg 150] he required to know, she told him she had three lovers, who made their addresses to her ”

“ But, continued the sage, I fear I am rather troublesome, than entertaining to you. I beg returned the gay spark, you will make no apology, [Pg 35] for I am very far from thinking your observations will be the least entertaining part of your narration—Sable replied, young gentleman, I believe you speak ingenuously, and am pleased I have an opportunity, before I leave this miserable state, of communicating any thing that may hereafter be of service to one who appears so deserving of it.—White politely thanked him for the compliment, and Sable thus proceeded in the relation of his adventures. ”

“ During my abode, continued Sable, with Mr. Stanza in this repository of vice and folly, the bard had contracted an acquaintance with a certain quack, who from [Pg 178] the length of time he had been here, and the visible decay of his drapery, was become worthy observation, as ancient coins become valuable by rust and antiquity. The bills of mortality too had long mourned his absence, the number of deaths being sensibly diminished during the doctor’s seclusion from the world. ”

“ Upon looking at the chain, the spark pretended it was not the same he had shewn him before, the landlord told him it was possible he might mistake by candle-light, and offered to go and change it—but the sharper said he would go himself, as he had some suspicion the quaker had a mind to impose upon him, and saying the watch he supposed would be safe upon the shelf, went out of the room, and the landlord shutting the door, told him he would take care no body should come in during his absence. ”

“ The dealer in left-off cloaths, resumed Sable, having deposited the consideration which was exchanged for me, shifted me into his green bag, and marched with me again to my old neighbourhood of St. Giles; where I was no sooner arrived, than I began to experience the torment of the brushes, and remained twenty-four hours, stretched upon the rack, and then was delivered over to a botcher, to repair the fractured fibres which the [Pg 165] press had forced asunder. My old preservative the nap, having like a faithless friend, abandoned me, when I stood most in need of assistance. ”

“ But here, reader, lest thou should imagine this digression from the chain of adventures as related by our Black Hero, is an artifice calculated to extend this work, and that no such interruption ever happened, but [Pg 60] what was made by ourselves, on purpose to eke out this part of our performance, we do assure thee, that nothing but sacred truth obliged us to relate it, and which we shall at all times think ourselves bound in justice to do ”

“ Ay, ay, says the manager; you shall have it again, take [Pg 78] it away with you in God’s name— (looking among a parcel of papers) I don’t mean, Sir, returned the author, to take it from you unless you should reject it, after you have read it.—Why, Sir, says the manager, did not you this moment ask me to return it? If you had no intention to peruse it, says the author. Peruse it! replies the manager—why, Sir, do you think I have nothing else to do than as soon as ever people of your way of living have wrote a thing, to play it immediately? ”

“ To mix pleasure with instruction, is certainly the most efficacious method a writer can take, to render his labours agreeable to his readers. All I shall say of the following petit performance is, that I have endeavoured to make the Author less conspicuous than the moral. ”

“ And now, my son, says Sable, to his youthful companion, I think, I have performed.—Here Sable, was unluckily prevented from concluding his adventures by the entrance of a person, who took away White, the companion and auditor of the sage narrator; but ’tis presumed, he had only a few words [Pg 188] more to have entirely ended; and as truth has presided over our pen, throughout the relation of these uncommon adventures, we are not at liberty to set down words that were really never uttered ”

“ The retailer of the events of fortune, resumed Sable, having exhausted all his stock of knowledge, and the limited time of his continuance in this metropolis being expired, he disposed of the utensils belonging to his profession, such as a beard of a most reverend length, a pair of globes, magic wand, &c. &c. &c. to the manager of a strolling company, to equip serjeant Kite for an Ægyptian astrologer; [Pg 164] but I was disposed of to an old cloaths-man, the manager refusing me, saying he had already in his wardrobe, a Black Coat for an Undertaker, Apothecary or Parson. ”

“ The old gentleman said, that he had for many years been saving every thing he could, scarce allowing himself the necessaries of life, that he might leave a fortune to his son, sufficient to raise a name ”

“ The power of reasoning, and of assimilating their ideas, with which men are indued, to enable them to distinguish the true road to happiness, I found was of little or no service to them in their [Pg 125] pursuit, the present gratification of the passions and senses, seems to be the chief consideration and stimulater in all their actions ”

“ Your sentiments, madam, says the doctor, are certainly right, and I have chosen, says this wrinkled old lady a proper young Gentleman to partake of conjugal felicity with me, and by whom I may fulfil the divine command: Undoubtedly, madam, says the doctor, a young man is more proper [Pg 157] for such cases than a man of your own years: I think so indeed, Sir, says the lady, though I believe I should have children by almost any man ”

“ This second unwilling departure, created much mirth in the company, and gave birth to many jokes at the expence of the ill-fated champion. It was not long before he returned, and fixing his eyes upon my companion, swore he believed he had given him a dose of physic in the gingerbread, and with a stern countenance declared, if it really was so, he would resent it severely. ”

“ Having passed the other door, he very leisurely walk’d across the court, and so into Fleet-street, and from thence, without stopping, he conducted me to the piazza’s, Covent Garden. This extraordinary absence of thought in leaving the coachman to wait for him, when it appeared evident he did not intend to return to him, created some reflections in me that did not end greatly in his favour ”

“ The first who came to search the register of fate, continued Sable, were two ladies, one tall and the other short, the tall lady desired to know, as a specimen of the doctor’s art, (for so he stiled himself) where she was on such a day, a considerable time past; the doctor having been informed of the day of her nativity, and looking over his book told her she was on the day she mentioned, in Newgate ”

“ Stanza. In the morning, continued Sable, the lady came to her appointment; and the doctor after having taken leave of his fellow [Pg 184] prisoners, handed the lady into a hackney coach, and immediately drove to the temple of Hymen, and from thence they went a few miles out of town to celebrate the nuptials, and in the evening came to the lady’s house in Southwark, where the marriage, was consummated. The facility with which this marriage was conducted, continued Sable, did not, however, outstrip the eager wishes of the parties to have it concluded ”

“ The captain replied, that it was true, he had a great regard for Miss Sirloin, and that his fortune was about a thousand pound; but that as he was of one of the best families in Dorsetshire, it wou’d be a disgrace to it to marry into Mr. Sirloin’s family, unless it was made up by a fortune; and that he had been told Miss Sirloin wou’d be worth a thousand pound, and which by her dress, and the company she kept, he thought could be no less. Mr. Sirloin declared, that whoever said he cou’d give his daughter a thousand pound was a scandalous person ”

“ We landed at Putney, where we [Pg 109] staid only to get a fresh cargo of wine, and them returned to the general rendezvous, where being arrived, and the champion come within sight of the table, that was by this time prepared ready for the guests, he said he believed he should make a very hearty dinner, for that though he had eat a large quantity of some excellent gingerbread nuts, yet he felt a kind of a gnawing in his stomach. ”

“ Our [Pg 55] successful sharper now bent his course to Cheapside with all speed, leaving the shagreen box to pay the vintner his reckoning, and the quaker for his watch chain.
The luxuriancy of my ingenious conductor’s invention in the progress of this adventure astonished me greatly, but I’ll forbear to trouble you with my reflections now, and hasten with him to the play-house. ”

“ At length the doors flew open, and the minister’s [Pg 28] coming was announced.—The peer entered, and with great dignity bowed to his dependants, who returned the salute with humble reverence. His lordship spoke to each with a mild affability, as they stood in rotation, and procrastinating the desires of his dependants, seemed to be the general benefit conferred upon the company. ”

“ Giles’s, and with genteel deportment he conducted me towards the court-end of the town, each, if I may be allowed to [Pg 26] say so much in my own praise, lending grace to the other.
Being arrived near St. James’s (after traversing the park once or twice, during which I could discover great anxiety of mind in my conductor; and feel his heart throb with great force) he stopt at a house that bespoke the owner to be a man of distinction, and being entered the hall, he enquired if his lordship was to be spoke with ”