George Farquhar

“ You mistake me, sister—It happens with us as among the men, the greatest talkers are the greatest cowards; and there's a reason for it; those spirits evaporate in prattle, which might do more mischief if they took another course——Though, to confess the truth, I do love that fellow;—and if I met him dressed as he should be,——Lookye, sister, I have no supernatural gifts;——I can't swear I could resist the temptation——though I can safely promise to avoid it; and that's as much as the best of us can do. ”

“ Enter Scrub.
Scrub. Martin, brother Martin!
Arch. O brother Scrub, I beg your pardon, I was not a-going: here's a guinea my master ordered you.
Scrub. A guinea! hi, hi, hi, a guinea! eh——by this light it is a guinea; but I suppose you expect one and twenty shillings in change.
Arch. Not at all; I have another for Gipsey.
Scrub. A guinea for her! Fire and faggot for the witch.——Sir, give me that guinea, and I'll discover a plot.
Arch. A plot? ”

“ But there's a form of law at Doctors' Commons; and I swear, sister Sullen, rather than see you thus continually discontented, I would advise you to apply to that: for besides the part that I bear in your vexatious broils, as being sister to the husband, and friend to the wife, your examples give me such an impression of matrimony, that I shall be apt to condemn my person to a long vacation all its life—But supposing, madam, that you brought it to a case of separation, what can you urge against your husband? my brother is, first, the most constant man alive. ”

“ Yes, sir, she has a daughter by Sir Charles, the finest woman in all our country, and the greatest fortune: she has a son too by her first husband, 'Squire Sullen, who married a fine lady from London t'other day; if you please, sir, we'll drink his health.
Aim. What sort of a man is he?
Bon. Why, sir, the man's well enough; says little, thinks less, and does—nothing at all, 'faith: but he's a man of great estate, and values nobody.
Aim. A sportsman, I suppose?
Bon. Yes, sir, he's a man of pleasure; he plays at whist, and smokes his pipe eight-and-forty hours together sometimes. ”

“ Scrub!
Scrub. Sir!
Sul. Get things ready to shave my head. [Exit.
Mrs. Sul. Have a care of coming near his temples, Scrub, for fear you meet something there that may turn the edge of your razor. [Exit Scrub.] Inveterate stupidity! did you ever know so hard, so obstinate a spleen as his? O sister, sister! I shall never have good of the beast till I get him to town; London, dear London, is the place for managing and breaking a husband.
Dor. And has not a husband the same opportunities there for humbling a wife? ”

“ Well, sister, since the truth must out, it may do as well now as hereafter; I think, one way to rouse my lethargic, sottish, husband, is to give him a rival; security begets negligence in all people, and men must be alarmed to make them alert in their duty; women are like pictures, of no value in the hands of a fool, till he hears men of sense bid high for the purchase. ”

“ Mrs. Sul. O brave sister! o'my conscience, you understand the mathematics already—'Tis the best plot in the world;—your mother, you know, will be gone to church, my spouse will be got to the alehouse, with his scoundrels, and the house will be our own—so we drop in by accident, and ask the fellow some questions ourselves. In the country, you know, any stranger is company, and we are glad to take up with the butler in a country dance, and happy if he'll do us the favour.
Scrub. Oh, madam! you wrong me: I never refused your ladyship the favour in my life.
Enter Gipsey. ”

“ Bon. Young! why, you jade, as the saying is, can any woman wheedle that is not young? Your mother was useless at five and twenty! Would you make your mother a whore, and me a cuckold, as the saying is? I tell you, silence confesses it, and his master spends his money so freely, and is so much a gentleman every manner of way, that he must be a highwayman.
Enter Gibbet, in a Cloak.
Gib. Landlord! Landlord! is the coast clear?
Bon. O, Mr. Gibbet, what's the news?
Gib. No matter; ask no questions; all fair and honourable. Here, my dear Cherry. [Gives her a Bag.] ”

“ That's my good child, kiss me.——What must a lover do to obtain his mistress?
Cher. He must adore the person that disdains him, he must bribe the chambermaid that betrays him, and court the footman that laughs at him!——He must, he must——
Arch. Nay, child, I must whip you if you don't mind your lesson; he must treat his——
Cher. O! ay, he must treat his enemies with respect, his friends with indifference, and all the world with contempt; he must suffer much, and fear more; he must desire much, and hope little; in short, he must embrace his ruin, and throw himself away. ”

“ Bon. Coming, coming—a coach and six foaming horses at this time o'night! some great man, as the saying is, for he scorns to travel with other people.
Enter Sir Charles Freeman.
Sir C. What, fellow! a public house, and abed when other people sleep?
Bon. Sir, I an't abed, as the saying is.
Sir C. I see that, as the saying is! ”

“ The coast's clear, I see—Now, my dear Archer, welcome to Litchfield!
Arch. I thank thee, my dear brother in iniquity.
Aim. Iniquity! pr'ythee, leave canting; you need not change your style with your dress.
Arch. Don't mistake me, Aimwell, for 'tis still my maxim, that there's no scandal like rags, nor any crimes so shameful as poverty. Men must not be poor; idleness is the root of all evil; the world's wide enough, let them bustle; fortune has taken the weak under her protection, but men of sense are left to their industry. ”

“ In plate, jewels, and money, as the saying is, you may.
Gib. Why, then, Tyburn, I defy thee: I'll get up to town, sell off my horse and arms, buy myself some pretty employment in the law, and be as snug and as honest as e'er a long gown of them all.
Bon. And what think you, then, of my daughter Cherry for a wife?
Gib. Lookye, my dear Bonny, Cherry is the goddess I adore, as the song goes; but it is a maxim, that man and wife should never have it in their power to hang one another; for, if they should, the Lord have mercy upon them both. ”

“ Scrub. Ay, sir, a plot, a horrid plot—First, it must be a plot, because there's a woman in't: secondly, it must be a plot, because there's a priest in't: thirdly, it must be a plot, because there's French gold in't: and fourthly, it must be a plot, because I don't know what to make on't. ”

“ I am no lord, but a poor, needy man, come with a mean, a scandalous design, to prey upon your fortune:—But the beauties of your mind and person, have so won me from myself, that, like a trusty servant, I prefer the interest of my mistress to my own. ”

“ My Lady Bountiful is one of the best of women: her last husband, Sir Charles Bountiful, left her worth a thousand pounds a year; and I believe she lays out one half on't in charitable uses, for the good of her neighbours: she cures all disorders incidental to men, women and children; in short, she has cured more people in and about Litchfield within ten years, than the doctors have killed in twenty, and that's a bold word. ”

“ Exeunt Hounslow and Bagshot.
Gib. Well, my dear Bonny, you assure me that Scrub is a coward.
Bon. A chicken, as the saying is—you'll have no creature to deal with but the ladies.
Gib. And I can assure you, friend, there's a great deal of address and good manners in robbing a lady: I am the most a gentleman that way that ever travelled the road.—But, my dear Bonny, this prize will be a galleon, a Vigo business——I warrant you, we shall bring off three or four thousand pounds. ”

“ If I go a step beyond the bounds of honour, leave me; till then, I expect you should go along with me in every thing; while I trust my honour in your hands, you may trust your brother's in mine—The Count is to dine here to-day.
Dor. 'Tis a strange thing, sister, that I can't like that man.
Mrs. Sul. You like nothing; your time is not come; love and death have their fatalities, and strike home one time or other:—You'll pay for all one day, I warrant ye—But come, my lady's tea is ready, and 'tis almost church time. ”

“ Bon. As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my children: I'll show you such ale——Here, tapster, broach number 1792, as the saying is:——Sir, you shall taste my Anno Domini——I have lived in Litchfield, man and boy, above eight and fifty years, and I believe have not consumed eight and fifty ounces of meat.
Aim. At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your sense by your bulk. ”

“ I can play with a girl, as an angler does with his fish; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and down the stream, till at last, he brings it to hand, tickles the trout, and so whips it into his basket.
Enter Boniface.
Bon. Mr. Martin, as the saying is—yonder's an honest fellow below, my Lady Bountiful's butler, who begs the honour, that you would go home with him, and see his cellar.
Arch. Do my baissemains to the gentleman, and tell him, I will do myself the honour to wait on him immediately, as the saying is. ”

“ Foig. I was educated in France, but I was borned at Brussels; I am a subject of the King of Spain, joy.
Gib. What King of Spain, sir? speak.
Foig. Upon my shoul, joy, I cannot tell you as yet.
Aim. Nay, captain, that was too hard upon the doctor; he's a stranger.
Foig. O, let him alone, dear joy, I am of a nation that is not easily put out of countenance.
Aim. Come, gentlemen, I'll end the dispute——Here, landlord, is dinner ready?
Bon. Upon the table, as the saying is.
Aim. Gentlemen—pray—that door——
Foig. No, no, fait, the captain must lead.
Aim. No, doctor, the church is our guide. ”

“ Arch. 'Tis ungenerous in you, madam, not to reward them.
Mrs. Sul. How! at the expense of my honour!
Arch. Honour! Can honour consist with ingratitude? If you would deal like a woman of honour, do like a man of honour: d'ye think I would deny you in such a case?
Enter Gipsey.
Gip. Madam, my lady ordered me to tell you, that your brother is below at the gate.
Mrs. Sul. My brother! Heavens be praised:—Sir, he shall thank you for your services; he has it in his power.
Arch. Who is your brother, madam?
Mrs. Sul. Sir Charles Freeman:——You'll excuse me, sir; I must go and receive him. ”

“ No, no, child; 'tis a standing maxim in conjugal discipline, that when a man would enslave his wife, he hurries her into the country; and when a lady would be arbitrary with her husband, she wheedles her booby up to town——A man dare not play the tyrant in London, because there are so many examples to encourage the subject to rebel, O Dorinda, Dorinda! a fine woman may do any thing in London: On my conscience, she may raise an army of forty thousand men.
Dor. I fancy, sister, you have a mind to be trying your power that way here in Litchfield ”

“ I am credibly informed, that there are highwaymen upon this quarter—not, sir, that I could suspect a gentleman of your figure—But, truly, sir, I have got such a way of evasion upon the road, that I don't care for speaking truth to any man. ”

“ A black! ten to one the man upon the black mare: and since he don't belong to our fraternity, we may betray him with a safe conscience: I don't think it lawful to harbour any rogues but my own. Lookye, child, as the saying is, we must go cunningly to work; proofs we must have; the gentleman's servant loves drink; I'll ply him that way, and ten to one he loves a wench; you must work him t'other way.
Cher. Father, would you have me give my secret for his? ”

“ Sir C. Truth, sir, is a profound sea, and few there be that dare wade deep enough to find out the bottom on't. Besides, sir, I am afraid the line of your understanding mayn't be long enough.
Sul. Lookye, sir, I have nothing to say to your sea of truth; but if a good parcel of land can entitle a man to a little truth, I have as much as any he in the county.
Bon. I never heard your worship, as the saying is, talk so much before.
Sul. Because I never met with a man that I liked before.
Bon. Pray, sir, as the saying is, let me ask you one question: are not man and wife one flesh? ”

“ Then 'tis plain that we are two.
Sir C. Why don't you part with her, sir?
Sul. Will you take her, sir?
Sir C. With all my heart.
Sul. You shall have her to-morrow morning, and a venison pasty into the bargain.
Sir C. You'll let me have her fortune too?
Sul. Fortune! why, sir, I have no quarrel to her fortune——I only hate the woman, sir, and none but the woman shall go.
Sir C. But her fortune, sir——
Sul. Can you play at whist, sir?
Sir C. No, truly, sir.
Sul. Not at all-fours?
Sir C. Neither.
Sul. Oons! where was this man bred? [Aside.] Burn me, sir, I can't go home; 'tis but two o'clock. ”

“ O sister, sister! if ever you marry, beware of a sullen, silent sot, one that's always musing, but never thinks—There's some diversion in a talking blockhead; and since a woman must wear chains, I would have the pleasure of hearing 'em rattle a little.—Now you shall see ”

“ Enter Gipsey.
Gip. How now, impudence! How dare you talk so saucily to the doctor? Pray, sir, don't take it ill; for the common people of England are not so civil to strangers, as——
Scrub. You lie, you lie:—'tis the common people, such as you are, that are civilest to strangers. ”

“ Arch. There's the finest bed in that room, madam; I suppose 'tis your ladyship's bedchamber?
Mrs. Sul. And what then, sir?
Arch. I think the quilt is the richest that ever I saw——I can't at this distance, madam, distinguish the figures of the embroidery: will you give me leave, madam?
Mrs. Sul. The devil take his impudence—Sure, if I gave him an opportunity, he durst not offer it—I have a great mind to try.— [Going.—Returns.] 'Sdeath, what am I doing?—And alone too;——Sister, sister! ”

“ Is Mr. Sullen's family abed, think ye?
Bon. All but the 'squire himself, sir, as the saying is; he's in the house.
Sir C. What company has he?
Bon. Why, sir, there's the constable, Mr. Gage, the exciseman, the hunch-backed barber, and two or three other gentlemen.
Sir C. I find my sister's letters gave me the true picture of her spouse.
Enter Sullen, drunk.
Bon. Sir, here's the 'squire.
Sul. The puppies left me asleep——sir.
Sir C. Well, sir.
Sul. Sir, I am an unfortunate man—I have three thousand pounds a year, and I can't get a man to drink a cup of ale with me.
Sir C. That's very hard. ”