George Farquhar

“ PROLOGUE In ancient times when Helen's fatal charms Roused the contending universe to arms, The Grecian council happily deputes The sly Ulysses forth—to raise recruits. The artful captain found, without delay, Where great Achilles, a deserter, lay. Him fate had warn'd to shun the Trojan blows: Him Greece required—against their Trojan foes. All the recruiting arts were needful here, To raise this great, this timorous volunteer. Ulysses well could talk: he stirs, he warms The warlike youth.—He listens to the charms Of plunder, fine laced coats, and glittering arms. ”

“ Kite. Captain, captain! a word in your ear.
Plume. You may speak out, here are none but friends.
Kite. You know, sir, that you sent me to comfort the good woman in the straw, Mrs. Molly—my wife, Mr. Worthy.
Wor. O ho! very well. I wish you joy, Mr. Kite.
Kite. Your worship very well may—for I have got both a wife and a child in half an hour—But as I was saying—you sent me to comfort Mrs. Molly—my wife, I mean—but what d'ye think, sir? she was better comforted before I came.
Plume. As how?
Kite. Why, sir, a footman in a blue livery had brought her ten guineas to buy her baby-clothes. ”

“ Plume. Lookye, young spark, say but one word more, and I'll build a horse for you as high as the cieling, and make you ride the most tiresome journey that ever you made in your life.
Syl. You have made a fine speech, good Captain Huff-cap! but you had better be quiet; I shall find a way to cool your courage.
Plume. Pray, gentlemen, don't mind him, he's distracted.
Syl. 'Tis false! I am descended of as good a family as any in your county; my father is as good a man as any upon your bench, and I am heir to twelve hundred pounds a-year. ”

“ If any gentleman soldiers, or others, have a mind to serve her majesty and pull down the French king; if any prentices have severe masters, any children have undutiful parents; if any servants have too little wages, or any husband too much wife: let them repair to the noble Serjeant Kite, at the sign of the Raven, in this good town of Shrewsbury, and they shall receive present relief and entertainment. - Gentlemen, I don't beat my drums here to insnare or inveigle any man ; for you must know, gentlemen, that I am a man of honour. ”

“ My father! then I am discovered——Oh, sir! [Kneeling.] I expect no pardon.
Bal. Pardon! no, no, child; your crime shall be your punishment: here, captain, I deliver her over to the conjugal power, for her chastisement. Since she will be a wife, be you a husband, a very husband—When she tells you of her love, upbraid her with her folly; be modishly ungrateful, because she has been unfashionably kind; and use her worse than you would any body else, because you can't use her so well as she deserves.
Plume. And are you, Sylvia, in good earnest? ”

“ But how goes your affair with Melinda?
Wor. Very slowly. My mistress has got a captain too, but such a captain!—as I live, yonder he comes!
Bal. Who, that bluff fellow in the sash? I don't know him.
Wor. But I engage he knows you and every body at first sight: his impudence were a prodigy, were not his ignorance proportionable; he has the most universal acquaintance of any man living, for he won't be alone, and nobody will keep him company twice: then he's a Cæsar among the women, veni, vidi, vici, that's all. ”

“ The wildness of her anger is a certain sign that she loves you to madness. That rogue, Kite, began the battle with abundance of conduct, and will bring you off victorious, my life on't: he plays his part admirably.
Wor. But what could be the meaning of Brazen's familiarity with her?
Plume. You are no logician, if you pretend to draw consequences from the actions of fools—Whim, unaccountable whim, hurries them on, like a man drunk with brandy before ten o'clock in the morning——But we lose our sport; Kite has opened above an hour ago: let's away. ”

“ The captain has dishonourable designs upon my cousin Sylvia. Evils of this nature are more easily prevented than amended; and that you would immediately send my cousin into the country, is the advice of,
Sir, your humble servant,
Melinda.
Why, the devil's in the young fellows of this age; they are ten times worse than they were in my time: had he made my daughter a whore, and forswore it, like a gentleman, I could almost have pardoned it; but to tell tales beforehand is monstrous.—Hang it! I can fetch down a woodcock or a snipe, and why not a hat and cockade? ”

“ Plume. Come, my lads, one thing more I'll tell you: you're both young tight fellows, and the army is the place to make you men for ever: every man has his lot, and you have yours: what think you of a purse of French gold out of a monsieur's pocket, after you have dashed out his brains with the but end of your firelock, eh?
Cost. Wauns! I'll have it. Captain—give me a shilling; I'll follow you to the end of the world.
Tho. Nay, dear Costar! do'na: be advis'd.
Plume. Here, my hero, here are two guineas for thee, as earnest of what I'll do farther for thee. ”

“ Lookye, captain, if you won't resign, I'll go list with Captain Brazen this minute.
Plume. Will you list with me if I give up my title?
Syl. I will.
Plume. Take her; I'll change a woman for a man at any time.
Rose. I have heard before, indeed, that you captains used to sell your men.
Bul. Pray, captain, do not send Rouse to the Western Indies.
Plume. Ha! ha! ha! West Indies! No, no, my honest lad, give me thy hand; nor you nor she shall move a step farther than I do. This gentleman is one of us, and will be kind to you, Mrs. Rose.
Rose. But will you be so kind to me, sir, as the captain would? ”

“ Plume. The battle, sir, was a very pretty battle as any one should desire to see; but we were all so intent upon victory, that we never minded the battle: all that I know of the matter is, our general commanded us to beat the French, and we did so; and, if he pleases but to say the word, we'll do it again. But pray, sir, how does Mrs. Sylvia?
Bal. Still upon Sylvia! for shame, captain! you are engaged already—wedded to the war: victory is your mistress, and 'tis below a soldier to think of any other. ”

“ You have often commended the gentleman, sir.
Bal. And I do so still; he's a very pretty fellow; but though I liked him well enough for a bare son-in-law, I don't approve of him for an heir to my estate and family; five thousand pounds indeed I might trust in his hands, and it might do the young fellow a kindness; but—od's my life! three thousand pounds a year would ruin him, quite turn his brain—A captain of foot worth three thousand pounds a year! 'tis a prodigy in nature! ”

“ Enter Brazen.
Brazen. Mr. Worthy, I'm your servant, and so forth—Harkye, my dear!
Wor. Whispering, sir, before company, is not manners, and when nobody's by 'tis foolish.
Brazen. Company! mort de ma vie! I beg the gentleman's pardon—who is he?
Wor. Ask him.
Brazen. So I will. My dear! I am your servant, and so forth—Your name, my dear?
Bal. Very laconic, sir.
Brazen. Laconic! a very good name truly. I have known several of the Laconics abroad. Poor Jack Laconic! he was killed at the battle of Landen. ”

“ No, madam; the affairs of women are so irregular, that nothing less than the devil can give any account of them. Now to convince you of your incredulity, I'll show you a trial of my skill. Here, you Cacodemo del Plumo, exert your power, draw me this lady's name, the word Melinda, in proper letters and characters of her own hand-writing—do it at three motions—one—two—three—'tis done—Now, madam, will you please to send your maid to fetch it?
Lucy. I fetch it! the devil fetch me if I do.
Mel. My name, in my own hand-writing! that would be convincing indeed!
Kite. Seeing is believing. ”

“ Bul. Ah, Rouse, Rouse! I fear somebody will look big sooner than folk think of. Here has been Cartwheel, your sweetheart; what will become of him?
Rose. Lookye, I'm a great woman, and will provide for my relations: I told the captain how finely he played upon the tabor and pipe, so he sat him down for drum-major.
Bul. Nay, sister, why did not you keep that place for me? you know I have always loved to be a drumming, if it were but on a table, or on a quart pot.
Enter Sylvia. ”

“ I should not like a man with confined thoughts; it shows a narrowness of soul. In short, Melinda, I think a petticoat a mighty simple thing, and I am heartily tired of my sex.
Mel. That is, you are tired of an appendix to our sex, that you can't so handsomely get rid of in petticoats as if you were in breeches.—O'my conscience, Sylvia, hadst thou been a man, thou hadst been the greatest rake in Christendom. ”

“ Kite. Yes, yes, sir; and my fame's all about the country for the most faithful fortune-teller that ever told a lie—I was obliged to let my landlord into the secret, for the convenience of keeping it so; but he is an honest fellow, and will be faithful to any roguery that is trusted to him. This device, sir, will get you men, and me, money, which, I think, is all we want at present—But yonder comes your friend, Mr. Worthy—Has your honour any further commands?
Plume. None at present. [Exit Kite.] 'Tis indeed, the picture of Worthy, but the life is departed. ”

“ Rose. No, no; though your worship be a handsome man, there be others as fine as you. My brother is engaged to Captain Plume.
Syl. Plume! do you know Captain Plume?
Rose. Yes, I do, and he knows me. He took the ribbands out of his shirt sleeves, and put them into my shoes: see there—I can assure you that I can do any thing with the captain.
Bul. That is, in a modest way, sir. Have a care what you say, Rouse; don't shame your parentage.
Rose. Nay, for that matter, I am not so simple as to say that I can do any thing with the captain but what I may do with any body else. ”

“ Sir, I don't care a farthing for you, nor your bench neither.
Scrup. Lookye, gentlemen, that's enough; he's a very impudent fellow, and fit for a soldier.
Scale. A notorious rogue, I say, and very fit for a soldier.
Const. A whoremaster, I say, and therefore fit to go.
Bal. What think you, captain?
Plume. I think he's a very pretty fellow, and therefore fit to serve.
Syl. Me for a soldier! send your own lazy lubberly sons at home; fellows that hazard their necks every day, in the pursuit of a fox, yet dare not peep abroad to look an enemy in the face. ”

“ Now, serjeant, I shall see who is your captain, by your knocking down the other.
Kite. My captain scorns assistance, sir.
Brazen. How dare you contend for any thing, and not dare to draw your sword? But you are a young fellow, and have not been much abroad; I excuse that; but pr'ythee, resign the man, pr'ythee do: you are a very honest fellow.
Plume. You lie; and you are a son of a whore. ”

“ Thou poor romantic Quixote!—hast thou the vanity to imagine that a young sprightly officer, that rambles o'er half the globe in half a year, can confine his thoughts to the little daughter of a country justice, in an obscure part of the world? ”

“ Mel. But you don't consider, Sylvia, how long I have lived in it; for I can assure you that to a lady the least nice in her constitution—no air can be good above half a year. Change of air I take to be the most agreeable of any variety in life.
Syl. As you say, cousin Melinda, there are several sorts of airs.
Mel. Psha! I talk only of the air we breathe, or more properly of that we taste—Have not you, Sylvia, found a vast difference in the taste of airs?
Syl. Pray, cousin, are not vapours a sort of air? Taste air! you might as well tell me I may feed upon air! but pr'ythee, my dear Melinda! ”

“ Besides, I don't beat up for common soldiers; no, I list only grenadiers, grenadiers, gentlemen. — Pray, gentlemen, observe this cap — This is the cap of honour; it dubs a man a gentleman in the drawing of a tricker: and he that has the good fortune to be born six foot high was born to be a great man. — Sir, will you give me leave to try this cap upon your head? ”

“ To Sylvia.
Syl. Captain Pinch: I cock my hat with a pinch, I take snuff with a pinch, pay my whores with a pinch; in short, I can do any thing at a pinch but fight.
Bal. And pray, sir, what brought you into Shropshire?
Syl. A pinch, sir: I know you country gentlemen want wit, and you know that we town gentlemen want money, and so——
Bal. I understand you, sir—Here, constable——
Enter Constable.
Take this gentleman into custody, till further orders.
Rose. Pray, your worship, don't be uncivil to him, for he did me no hurt; he's the most harmless man in the world, for all he talks so. ”

“ Plume. Your pardon, sir, I'll marry upon no condition at all—If I should, I am resolved never to bind myself down to a woman for my whole life, till I know whether I shall like her company for half an hour. Suppose I married a woman without a leg—such a thing might be, unless I examined the goods before-hand.—If people would but try one another's constitutions before they engaged, it would prevent all these elopements, divorces, and the devil knows what. ”

“ You lie, sirrah, you lie; an please your worship, he's the best natured pains-taking'st man in the parish, witness my five poor children.
Scrup. A wife and five children? you constable, you rogue, how durst you impress a man that has a wife and five children?
Scale. Discharge him, discharge him.
Bal. Hold, gentlemen. Harkye, friend, how do you maintain your wife and five children?
Plume. They live upon wild-fowl and venison, sir; the husband keeps a gun, and kills all the hares and partridges within five miles round.
Bal. A gun! nay if he be so good at gunning, he shall have enough on't. ”

“ I am no kindred to you that I know of yet.—Lookye, serjeant, no coaxing, no wheedling, d'ye see—If I have a mind to list, why so—if not, why 'tis not so—therefore take your cap and your brothership back again, for I am not disposed at this present writing.—No coaxing, no brothering me, 'faith.
Kite. I coax! I wheedle! I'm above it, sir: I have served twenty campaigns——but, sir, you talk well, and I must own that you are a man, every inch of you; a pretty, young, sprightly fellow!—I love a fellow with a spirit ”