Oliver Goldsmith

“ As the faltering gentleman, with looks on the ground, that speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loud confident creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old Miss Biddy Buckskin, till three in the morning? Ha! ha! ha! MARLOW.
O, curse on my noisy head. I never attempted to be impudent yet, that I was not taken down. I must be gone. HARDCASTLE.
By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it was all a mistake, and I am rejoiced to find it. You shall not, sir, I tell you. I know she'll forgive you. Won't you forgive him, Kate? We'll all forgive you. Take courage, man. ”

“ HASTINGS.
I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so cool a lover. MARLOW.
To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down was to be instrumental in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss Neville loves you, the family don't know you; as my friend you are sure of a reception, and let honour do the rest. HASTINGS.
My dear Marlow! But I'll suppress the emotion. Were I a wretch, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the last man in the world I would apply to for assistance. ”

“ My life has been chiefly spent in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the creation that chiefly teach men confidence. I don't know that I was ever familiarly acquainted with a single modest woman—except my mother—But among females of another class, you know—— HASTINGS.
Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. MARLOW.
They are of US, you know. HASTINGS.
But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such an idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wanted an opportunity of stealing out of the room. ”

“ Hem! HASTINGS.
[To him.] You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep it up, and I'll insure you the victory. MISS HARDCASTLE.
I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen so much of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure corner of the country. MARLOW.
[Gathering courage.] I have lived, indeed, in the world, madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but an observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it. MISS NEVILLE.
But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last. HASTINGS.
[To him.] Cicero never spoke better. ”

“ MARLOW.
Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman. I'm doom'd to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of it I despise. This stammer in my address, and this awkward prepossessing visage of mine, can never permit me to soar above the reach of a milliner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane. Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. [Enter HARDCASTLE.]
HARDCASTLE.
Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is Mr. Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, to receive my friends with my back to the fire. ”

“ HARDCASTLE.
He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch! MISS HARDCASTLE.
One of us must certainly be mistaken. HARDCASTLE.
If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined he shall never have my consent. ”

“ HARDCASTLE.
Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It's more than an even wager he may not have you. MISS HARDCASTLE.
My dear papa, why will you mortify one so?—Well, if he refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I'll only break my glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, and look out for some less difficult admirer. HARDCASTLE.
Bravely resolved! In the mean time I'll go prepare the servants for his reception: as we seldom see company, they want as much training as a company of recruits the first day's muster. ”

“ MRS. HARDCASTLE.
Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night at least. TONY.
As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but I can't abide to disappoint myself. MRS. HARDCASTLE.
[detaining him.] You shan't go. TONY.
I will, I tell you. MRS. HARDCASTLE.
I say you shan't. TONY.
We'll see which is strongest, you or I. [Exit, hauling her out.] HARDCASTLE.
[solus.] Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each other. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and discretion out of doors? There's my pretty darling Kate! the fashions of the times have almost infected her too. ”

“ An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty; but I'll be hanged if a modest man can ever counterfeit impudence. HASTINGS.
If you could but say half the fine things to them that I have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed-maker—— MARLOW.
Why, George, I can't say fine things to them; they freeze, they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but, to me, a modest woman, drest out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. ”

“ MISS NEVILLE.
I have just come from one of our agreeable tete-a-tetes. She has been saying a hundred tender things, and setting off her pretty monster as the very pink of perfection. MISS HARDCASTLE.
And her partiality is such, that she actually thinks him so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she has the sole management of it, I'm not surprised to see her unwilling to let it go out of the family. MISS NEVILLE.
A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, is no such mighty temptation. ”

“ Yes, your honour. MARLOW.
She said she'd keep it safe, did she? SERVANT.
Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how I came by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me give an account of myself. [Exit Servant.] MARLOW.
Ha! ha! ha! They're safe, however. What an unaccountable set of beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid though runs in my head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of the family. She's mine, she must be mine, or I'm greatly mistaken. [Enter HASTINGS.]
HASTINGS.
Bless me! ”

“ MISS NEVILLE.
And his name— MISS HARDCASTLE.
Is Marlow. MISS NEVILLE.
Indeed! MISS HARDCASTLE.
The son of Sir Charles Marlow. MISS NEVILLE.
As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him when we lived in town. MISS HARDCASTLE.
Never. MISS NEVILLE.
He's a very singular character, I assure you. Among women of reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of another stamp: you understand me. ”

“ MRS. HARDCASTLE.
Yes, I shall remember the horse-pond as long as I live; I have caught my death in it. [To TONY.] And it is to you, you graceless varlet, I owe all this? I'll teach you to abuse your mother, I will. TONY.
Ecod, mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so you may take the fruits on't. MRS. HARDCASTLE.
I'll spoil you, I will. [Follows him off the stage. Exit.] HARDCASTLE.
There's morality, however, in his reply. [Exit.] [Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE.]
HASTINGS.
My dear Constance, why will you deliberate thus? If we delay a moment, all is lost for ever. ”

“ HASTINGS.
We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you mention. TONY.
The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole; the son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fond of. MARLOW.
Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be well-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up and spoiled at his mother's apron-string. TONY.
He-he-hem!—Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you won't reach Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I believe. ”

“ Hardcastle, you're very particular. Is there a creature in the whole country but ourselves, that does not take a trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There's the two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month's polishing every winter. HARDCASTLE.
Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them the whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! In my time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they travel faster than a stage-coach. Its fopperies come down not only as inside passengers, but in the very basket. ”

“ I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son, sir. I hope you think so? MARLOW.
I do from my soul, sir. I don't want much entreaty. I generally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes. HARDCASTLE.
I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I say nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I assure you. MARLOW.
I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine. If they don't drink as they ought, they are to blame. ”

“ MARLOW.
Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar before you were born. How old are you? MISS HARDCASTLE.
O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and music should never be dated. MARLOW.
To guess at this distance, you can't be much above forty [approaching] . Yet, nearer, I don't think so much [approaching] . By coming close to some women they look younger still; but when we come very close indeed— [attempting to kiss her] . MISS HARDCASTLE.
Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted to know one's age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth. ”

“ The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I'd rather ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment. HASTINGS.
Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience. TONY.
Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found them? HASTINGS.
This is a riddle. TONY.
Riddle me this then. What's that goes round the house, and round the house, and never touches the house? HASTINGS.
I'm still astray. TONY.
Why, that's it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, there's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the taste of. HASTINGS.
Ha! ”

“ He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private. TONY.
That's a damned confounded—crack. MRS. HARDCASTLE.
Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they are like each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings may see you. Come, Tony. TONY.
You had as good not make me, I tell you. [Measuring.] MISS NEVILLE.
O lud! he has almost cracked my head. MRS. HARDCASTLE.
O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave so! TONY.
If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made a fool of no longer. ”

“ If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks.] HARDCASTLE.
Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear. MARLOW.
Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper? HARDCASTLE.
For supper, sir! [Aside.] Was ever such a request to a man in his own house? ”

“ Sir, my service to you. [Drinks.] HASTINGS.
[Aside.] I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has learned to be a gentleman. MARLOW.
From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, now and then, at elections, I suppose. HARDCASTLE.
No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is no business "for us that sell ale." HASTINGS.
So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find. ”

“ Your laugh makes you so becoming. MISS NEVILLE.
Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that natural humour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless [patting his cheek] —ah! it's a bold face. MRS. HARDCASTLE.
Pretty innocence! TONY.
I'm sure I always loved cousin Con.'s hazle eyes, and her pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the haspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins. MRS. HARDCASTLE.
Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree. I was never so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr. Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con., shall be yours incontinently. ”

“ MRS. HARDCASTLE.
And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. HASTINGS.
Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should presume? MRS. HARDCASTLE.
My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. [To them.] Well, Tony, child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? TONY.
I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be followed about so. Ecod! ”

“ Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have been telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old rumbling mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we never see company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the curate's wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all our entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of Marlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery. HARDCASTLE.
And I love it. I love everything that's old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine ”